So... I was meditating recently, and, being relatively new to the practice, I had generally just been content to focus on my breathing. Today, however, I decided to attempt to focus my mind on the idea of transience (which, in hindsight, seems paradoxical, but I assure you that the logic was there in the moment ). However, to my shock I was suddenly blasted with a wall of negative emotion which, to me at any rate, should have had no connection with what I was thinking about. It was this profound, bottomless despair, the sort I would only imagine feeling if a family member had died or if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I felt like crying out, but in contrast with my usual emotions, I had no perception of where it came from. It literally seemed to be there for no reason, without any cause, or base, or begginning.

Now, I have several theories as to what it might be:

1. Since last year I have been striving not so much to repress all negative emotions but to let them go- that is, even if I feel a flash of annoyance, I simply concentrate on the divine nature which, I beleive, resides within that person and indeed in all of us. So far, this has always made the anger and sadness evaporate, and I have been feeling far happier, healthier, and more holy than any other time in my life. In regards to what I felt while meditating, though; could it be that I am not truly transcending my negative emotions, but am only repressing them? I am reluctant to beleive this because for the past year I have felt so convincingly blissful that it seemed unlikely that my happiness was an illusion. Am I deluding myself about this?

2. I do not generally take a 'mystical' view on affairs such as this, but could be subconciousness be "testing" my resolve to remain happy? Is this sorrow which seemingly has no base simply something which I must learn to confront if I wish to acheive some degree of self-actualization?

Any theories, opinions, or pieces of friendly advice I would be extremely grateful for. Thank-you.


Benjamin