Thread: How to feel more at ease around people?

The reasons you are uncomfortable around people are based on your beliefs. Your thoughts are also based on your beliefs.

So, identify what thoughts you have when you are around people. Prove to yourself that these thoughts are irrational so that you can change your beliefs so that you can be comfortable around people.

Thank you for ur post Dolphin. I hope others who might have something to say feel apprehensive about posting I am very open-minded

Well, like I said I think of the exit pre-emptively. Today I walked into a group of people finding easter eggs in the forest. And I was feeling perfectly fine until a guy turned his head to me. And I stared in front of me, ignoring him. I thought/belief in the corner of my eye I could see him make a slight move such as to talk to me. And I felt slightly guilty for ignoring the poor guy. So that's one. Then I saw a girl bend over and I tried to repress the urge to move closer and well jk. U get the point. Eventually moved the corner out into a boy my age or older walking his dog. We both walked next to each other and I kept my distance as usual. So we both felt awkward I could see it in his face. And I decided to turn around. And started walking after he was 3 feet in front of me. To give each other some space. Which is fine. But all this happened in the course of 15 seconds and it was a big turn-around for my emotional state as I was feeling fine bordering on slight euphoria beforehand. Into paranoid and self-conscious/upset. Right after this happened I started talking myself down. I saw this guy with his dog run into a couple with another dog. Share a laugh and some small talk and I felt really upset: "I can not do this. I tell myself. Why can they do this' a small hint of envy.

To be honest I am still not recovered. Fear sets in quite heavily for no reason. I feel perfectly content in social situations but the apprehension to it is dreadful and painful. /rant (Any analysations or outside perspective based on the event just described from a person who is more naturally inclined to sociability maybe? would be nice)

I am familiar with this apprehension you speak of.

I have felt the same anxiety of not wanting to talk to somebody who clearly wants to talk to me. I find that this small talk, especially with someone I don't know real well, can be very uncomfortable due to the anxiety of not knowing what to say, not articulating well, making the person anxious by not talking, or of the possibility of the person wanting to know something about me that I find embarrassing. Also, the feeling of being trapped in discussion ball and chain style can cause anxiety for me as well. Like you, I look for an exit.

I have dealt with these fears effectively by forming the following beliefs.

• If I don't know what to say, I don't know what to say. If my speed of coming up of stuff to say is too slow for them, that is their problem.
• If I screw up my pronunciation, I screw up my pronunciation. Screwing up pronunciation does not mean I'm stupid. If they think I am stupid, they are allowed to think that. I can't control what they think.
• If nobody is talking, nobody is talking. If the other person feels anxious when nobody is talking, that is their problem.
• If I reveal something stupid about myself, I reveal something stupid about myself. Everybody has their quirks. If they think I am stupid, they are allowed to think that. I can't control what they think.
• This ball and chain feeling will not last forever. Eventually, the other person will either lose interest or I will have to go.

Also, sometimes I can find an exit from a conversation by only talking to them when they ask me a question. To answer a question, I give them honest answers. Eventually, they lose interest being an interrogator.

Yes yes. Very good description of what is happening. Ty

I will read and think of ur beliefs. Some of them I have already obtained.

And the apprehansion is there because you just can not calculate what to do in these situations. You only learn to behave socially by experience. And that is just something I have not. Experience.

Part of my problem is I just don't know how to exit or get away from a conversation I don't want to be in. So my fear is being stuck so to stay and then not finding a good closure. If I start feeling ill and can not focus on the converation at hand I would not know how to speak out my discomfort in a way that does not seem rude or hurt another person for wanting to exit the conversation.. So because I do not have an exit I choose not to enter entirely

Something I am learning to find the right balance in.

Anyway thanks.. !

Do you ever go up to someone you don't know and make friends or just socialize? If so, how do you do this usually? I'd like to know how to do this from someone who does this more naturally. usually ime people come up to me. and i haven't made lasting friendships this way. I don't plan on making friends soon. But perhaps it could be a nice experience.

This isn't going to be a pleasant answer, but the answer to everything concerning anxiety is always exposure therapy. Gaining experience in these situations is how you get more comfortable in them. Think about the times you've started anything new and how much concentration and effort they required, and how uncertain you were in your ability to perform. After doing that activity regularly, it becomes something you can do almost like it's second nature. You know what to expect, and you have already constructed the conscious and unconscious forms and techniques you use to perform that activity. You develop intuition and get a feel for what's going on and what you should and shouldn't do, etc. So, the only way to really do this is to throw yourself out there and put in the time. It's a really uncomfortable prospect, I know from personal experience. That unease comes from your lack of experience though. Eventually you learn that a lot of what you would previously feel embarrassed about isn't something that's embarrassing and you learn how to effectively deal/cope with any embarrassment you do feel in those situations.

I was pretty gregarious as a child but once I suffered a concussion in 8th grade I developed severe social anxiety that lasted for a good 5 or so years until I joined the military. I wound up being forced into a situation where I had to communicate and socialize constantly and now I'm completely over it. I'm still not a very social person, but it's not difficult for me to make small talk, be in large groups, or have to mingle in public at all. I don't feel uneasy almost at all in social situations any more.

It sounds dreadful to be in the military. Young males are the most scary. Being in a life or death situation is fine. But being bored in a group together makes me anxious. Even though on second glance it might not be bad at all. I like guns, I like to play sports. The anxiety simply prevents me from doing it. But perhaps I sometimes need to have more time alone. More than average persons.

Part of me just doesn't care. I don't care about having fun with age-lings. Who needs small talk anyway? I want to talk about what we do when we are alone with the curtains closed. I want to talk about whose making money while part of the world is hungry. And I wish people would stop pressuring me into conforming to their 'ideal' of how I should be as a person. But I'm still insecure about my lack of social experience/skills/intuitive because it either is a huge problem or partly because other people express negativity towards that aspect of me.

I wonder if they are not being quite selfish for doing so?

I don't mingle well. Which is a shame. I could potentially miss out on a lot of friendships. But I make jokes only to ease uncomfort of other's around me. Not because I like to joke. It's weird.

Anyway, thanks so much. Nice to be able to talk on DV. Gregarious is such a good word !