Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Sorry to hear about people's problems. I keep wanting to quote and say something but I don't really have anything to say besides I'm sorry, so a 'like' will have to do.

I don't know what I'm posting lol. Just typed stuff and deleted it. Extremely tired.

It seems like I'm always regretting everything I do. Ever since I was 12 or so, I've noticed that I'm constantly maturing. But I've always had a problem with it. Like I can't stand to think that in the future I'll look back on what I am now and think I was a fucking moron. So I try to think as properly as I can in the present. To not delude myself and be irrational and stuff like that. I've had that fear since I was about 12 though. I remember thinking, when I was that age, I need to think properly now. I don't want to look back on myself in a couple years and realize I was young and stupid. That just annoyed me too much. But there was really no way to fight it. My brain was simply not developed enough. I remember I'd often hear adults, especially old people, talking about kids and how they're young and stupid. Like when I was 14, my grandmother indirectly accusing me of arrogance by saying things like "when I was your age I thought I knew everything," implying she thinks I think I know everything. But I'd think to myself, she's wrong, she has no idea how intelligent I really am for my age. I know that I know nothing. If she thinks I think I know everything she's completely wrong.

I still don't know whether I was even mature for my age.. maybe I was just paranoid and trying my best to be conscientious and thoughtful but I was still an idiot because my brain just couldn't handle developing at the rate I was trying to make it develop. Like reading a diary once from that time, I was a fucking idiot. I'd be self-conscious though. After about every thought I had, I'd write "If anyone is reading this in the future ...." followed by an explanation as to why I'm not being stupid. I was trying to make any readers or myself in the future understand that I wasn't being stupid and naive and what I was thinking really made sense. But it was stupid. Or it wasn't always stupid, some of it was just due to not having enough experience, not understanding the world, and there's no way to gain that experience without living it for years and years.

Anyway, where the hell am I going with this? From the ages of 12-18 or so I noticed I was rapidly understanding more, mentally growing. But it wasn't a good thing to me. I only viewed it like, what's the point of thinking and trying to be rational now? When I know that in only a few days or weeks I'm going to look back on this and realize I was an idiot and pretty much all my thoughts were flawed? This kept happening, at a few points I thought that maybe I am at the peak, but was always proven wrong.

And it still happens, but in a way it's worse. I'm still progressing but it's.... slower. And it's like I'm going backwards in a way, or I'll go through periods of going backwards. I'll say something and completely feel that it's the right and intelligent and conscientious thing to say. But only a few hours or even minutes later I'll realize it was stupid (that's where deleting posts comes from). It's like a very short-term fluctuating version of the teenage mental growth. And I still worry, very much, that I'm still extremely immature and stupid and don't even realize it. That maybe other people realize it and can see right when they read something I say, that my thoughts are completely flawed in a certain way. Like I have a feeling that someone is going to respond to this saying I'm just being too paranoid and shouldn't worry about it and need to accept that people change. Well maybe they won't say it now since I just said it. Ugh fuck lol, I'm so tired. I've not paid attention to typing this at all. Usually I'll go back on my sentences, since when I just type without thinking I have no grammatical ability. I do have a really keen sense of grammar but as with everything I'm really slow to apply it, so I have to carefully think about a sentence before I can figure out the best way to phrase it so it makes grammatical sense. Okay Im gonna stop typing right now.

Originally Posted by tommo

Didn't get the job.... I was actually expecting as much when I began recounting what I said at a few points.
Oh well, at least I volunteered to speak and put myself out there, even if what I said was redundant and stupid.
Fuck this sucks. Back to handing out resumes.... or self-loathing and wanting to just leave this shitty society.

So.... apparently my experience is good but other people's matched better.
Mhmmm, okay.... so.... WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN INTERVIEW ME!?!?!!?!
FUCK YOU!!!!

This happened to me too much. I definitely feel for you.

Right now, I am looking for a second, remote part time job because my primary job pays decent but leaves nothing for savings. That's what I tell others and myself. The real reason is I was laid off last April for no fault of my own. Now, I am so paranoid I am terrified with only one source of income. The downside of being a writer is that my career is very freelance heavy, and I get scared every day that the manager comes in.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Spoiler for Dianeva's rant:

Sorry to hear about people's problems. I keep wanting to quote and say something but I don't really have anything to say besides I'm sorry, so a 'like' will have to do.

I don't know what I'm posting lol. Just typed stuff and deleted it. Extremely tired.

It seems like I'm always regretting everything I do. Ever since I was 12 or so, I've noticed that I'm constantly maturing. But I've always had a problem with it. Like I can't stand to think that in the future I'll look back on what I am now and think I was a fucking moron. So I try to think as properly as I can in the present. To not delude myself and be irrational and stuff like that. I've had that fear since I was about 12 though. I remember thinking, when I was that age, I need to think properly now. I don't want to look back on myself in a couple years and realize I was young and stupid. That just annoyed me too much. But there was really no way to fight it. My brain was simply not developed enough. I remember I'd often hear adults, especially old people, talking about kids and how they're young and stupid. Like when I was 14, my grandmother indirectly accusing me of arrogance by saying things like "when I was your age I thought I knew everything," implying she thinks I think I know everything. But I'd think to myself, she's wrong, she has no idea how intelligent I really am for my age. I know that I know nothing. If she thinks I think I know everything she's completely wrong.

I still don't know whether I was even mature for my age.. maybe I was just paranoid and trying my best to be conscientious and thoughtful but I was still an idiot because my brain just couldn't handle developing at the rate I was trying to make it develop. Like reading a diary once from that time, I was a fucking idiot. I'd be self-conscious though. After about every thought I had, I'd write "If anyone is reading this in the future ...." followed by an explanation as to why I'm not being stupid. I was trying to make any readers or myself in the future understand that I wasn't being stupid and naive and what I was thinking really made sense. But it was stupid. Or it wasn't always stupid, some of it was just due to not having enough experience, not understanding the world, and there's no way to gain that experience without living it for years and years.

Anyway, where the hell am I going with this? From the ages of 12-18 or so I noticed I was rapidly understanding more, mentally growing. But it wasn't a good thing to me. I only viewed it like, what's the point of thinking and trying to be rational now? When I know that in only a few days or weeks I'm going to look back on this and realize I was an idiot and pretty much all my thoughts were flawed? This kept happening, at a few points I thought that maybe I am at the peak, but was always proven wrong.

And it still happens, but in a way it's worse. I'm still progressing but it's.... slower. And it's like I'm going backwards in a way, or I'll go through periods of going backwards. I'll say something and completely feel that it's the right and intelligent and conscientious thing to say. But only a few hours or even minutes later I'll realize it was stupid (that's where deleting posts comes from). It's like a very short-term fluctuating version of the teenage mental growth. And I still worry, very much, that I'm still extremely immature and stupid and don't even realize it. That maybe other people realize it and can see right when they read something I say, that my thoughts are completely flawed in a certain way. Like I have a feeling that someone is going to respond to this saying I'm just being too paranoid and shouldn't worry about it and need to accept that people change. Well maybe they won't say it now since I just said it. Ugh fuck lol, I'm so tired. I've not paid attention to typing this at all. Usually I'll go back on my sentences, since when I just type without thinking I have no grammatical ability. I do have a really keen sense of grammar but as with everything I'm really slow to apply it, so I have to carefully think about a sentence before I can figure out the best way to phrase it so it makes grammatical sense. Okay Im gonna stop typing right now.

You know Dianeva, not going to try and tell you that people change, but you are sort of a perfectionist based on what you just typed. Not that's a bad thing (if you don't let it define your self-worth), but I think you're horribly mistaken thinking that you're "stupid," or not "capable" of keeping up with the growing maturity.

Whether you're just thinking the posts are "stupid" when you post in this thread, I doubt perfectionism would make any kind of rant/rave/cry/complain post any better. You're obviously aware of your emotions, and then you go back to them and feel insecure or just not willing enough to express that to other people.

And the words your grandma stated about how she said "you know everything," old timers are not perfect themselves, and you should know that trying to learn about yourself and life as you grew as a child (even more than the average child who would think about Call of Duty or *insert hard stereotype here for females*) doesn't mean you were trying to know everything. All older people are going to think we know everything when we live in a world that demands you take action, be active, make something for yourself, and all that ambition shit. So it's kind of hypocritical for the same people that should be a role model to us suddenly become condescending pricks don't you think?

And as for the letter trying to show others some modicum of decency in competence in yourself, that was the past, and you're always going to learn something, no matter what you do (I know that's so cheesy and obvious). You can't let what you knew when you were 12-16 affect you that much.


I remember the assignments I did when I was maybe 8-12 years of age, and although I was embarrassed of it...I was just a kid. Maybe you had the ability to think more and analyze things more, but just couldn't get your thoughts out (because how people kept giving you negative treatment that you think you know everything, which is just arrogance from them if you were just curious).

It's really a complex from the parents' side, having some kind of condition into thinking their children aren't suppose to eventually learn and surpass them in the future, and yet go to such lengths and would go to the ends of the earth just to make sure their child is successful.

Horrible paradox, and I'm sorry you had to get that kind of treatment from older people, especially with how your parents are at a "neutral" state of not admitting they were wrong or being apologetic about their mistakes they had of you.

I always thought that if a person just wanted to have ONE thing to prepare for being a parent, is to just know that if their child starts advancing and reaches abilities like empathy, critical thinking, etc. faster than what they did, or knew how to use it better and less arrogantly, that they would just have to accept they're just looking a reflection of themselves branching off into something potentially better or worse.

So if your parents are not as opening to flaws themselves (rarely being apologetic, at least based on that "What you Learned Thread" post you had about parents' arrogance with being right and wrong), chances are you're a reflection of that too.

I will tell you though, I wouldn't say you're paranoid, it's just when you want to know a person more and have so little information about their behavior, you do tend to extend the presumptions a lot; especially when you thought I was some chess-master/strategist that cleverly put on different persona to be a likable person to as many people as possible in order to ultimately manipulate them at my will.


But again, no one is going to be perfect, and honestly, having a rational post all the time in a thread like this seems to defeat the purpose of the general mood of the thread: emotions conflicting with logic.


It's only a concern when people who don't rant as much or just bottle things up make fun of others who rant, and they themselves assume they're some kind of saint or a person with no emotional hangups/conflicts themselves. At least you're aware of how you're progressing, because I know my very few good friends are still in a mental trap of not taking the time to go back and question themselves, even if it seemed to be too many questions.

To be honest, despite of your presumptions of others, your mood, personality, etc., it's good that you're aware of yourself rather than to be trapped and repeat the same mistakes your parents made. You couldn't possibly think anyone could sustain a mix of "rational" and "overemotional" without some kind of flaw in it.

The fact that you can go back to yourself in the past, pass some judgment on it, and compare it to now is a good thing to have, though, you shouldn't let how you learned degrade the potential you have for the future.


Basically, you have good empathy and critical thinking, but because you're being slightly perfectionist-driven in how that thinking is expressed, you still think it's flawed and that you're not "good enough."

I know intelligence is a very subjective thing, but if you're conscientious and can use retrospect, just know how you learn from it isn't going to be perfect. You're only reaching "stagnant" development because you keep thinking your intelligence is equivalent to a shovel or something ( you keep trying to dig things out that could've been good in their own unique way).

Don't be so distraught of that kind of skill being so readily available to you.

I see you as a woman who tries her best to consider other options, even if there's not much data to go around with; someone who at least tries to find ways to get what she wants, and still tries to be stable when dealing with negativity from the people she interacts with.

“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.”
― Anne Wilson Schaef

"Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life."

-Dr. David M. Burns

Facebook's latest update is ridiculously shitty. You can't even add bands that don't have fan pages to your favorite music category. I'm trying to add Wingnut Dishwashers Union and it won't let me cause it doesn't recognize it. The fuck is that?

I'm stress-eating. Which is bad because I'm going to be stressed for the next two months. And at this rate I will put on 3-4 entire STONE by the time exams have finished. Which will make me stress and eat even more.

I also can't be bothered to exercise/don't actually have the time with school, revision, hockey and riding so looks like I'm just gonna have to get fat. Both good and bad because stress eating means -

Originally Posted by Original Poster

Facebook's latest update is ridiculously shitty. You can't even add bands that don't have fan pages to your favorite music category. I'm trying to add Wingnut Dishwashers Union and it won't let me cause it doesn't recognize it. The fuck is that?

I'm really looking into moving everything to Google+. Most of Facebook is talking to people I talk to on weekends anyway. Most of my family ties have abandoned it. Plus, I like how much easier Google+ is with the privacy.

I want to install a urinal in our main bathroom but my wife says no! Grrrr. How can she deny me this?

I think I've just about fixed my computer. I updated my video accelerator driver so hopefully it won't crash anymore. Hopefully now it just needs a new battery.

But now my phone will need to be repaired or replaced. Thankfully I have insurance on it. The other thing that sucks about it is I have to go to a couple or few towns/cities over just to get this issue fixed.

@ Xanous: Lol

Originally Posted by Xanous

I want to install a urinal in our main bathroom but my wife says no! Grrrr. How can she deny me this?

Maybe start leaving the toilet seat up all the time, if you don't do it often already, and make sure 'not to aim very well '. Then if she ever complains, point out that a urinal would completely fix the problem. Most a joke, kind of mean, but may actually work? lol

What is going on? How has no one posted in RRC&C since my last post? That was 30 hours ago. I didn't know this thread could possibly go for that long without being posted in. Even unpopular threads won't usually go for that long, and this thread I thought was like.. crack for a few people. Almost wondering if I'm missing a DV hacking or there's something wrong with the servers and posts aren't showing up for me.

Spoiler for Depressed rant:

I feel kind of depressed. Firstly I'm lonely. Secondly I'm gaining weight and eating too much again. I said I'd start counting calories again earlier today, and did, and was doing fine, until at like 1 am when I suddenly decided to eat 3 pieces of leftover Domino's pizza which suddenly seemed like ecstacy. When my bf was here I was able to summon more willpower and not give into those desires, since we were losing weight together. If one of us wanted to overeat something, the other would talk the person out of it, and it was even kind of fun. Now it's just me and it's far too easy to give in to eating a lot when I get depressed. I start out every day eating fine. I'll eat very little until night, when everyone else has gone to bed. Then I get binge cravings and just don't care anymore. I'm afraid to even weigh myself in case I gained all the weight I lost back - I have a feeling I did.

And tomorrow is my bf's birthday, as well as a Friday, so I'm sure he'll be drinking and I'll be too. Meaning more weight gain, so I'll have to wait until Saturday to really try to lose weight. That's if I don't end up drinking Saturday too.

My courses are another problem. I only have about 40 days until the course end date, and I'm afraid I won't get it done in time. I'm trying pretty much as hard as I can. I've been reading the right amount of my textbook per day but I'm afraid I'm not comprehending and remembering the material enough, so I'll fail the exam.

Everything's going so terribly lately, I just feel like everything is going to keep going that way. It feels like it's all my fault, like I've become bad luck or something now. Even things I have no control over, like my parents need to rent a new house very soon - within the next couple weeks. But they didn't get a couple they applied for and were hoping to get. It's actually the cat's fault, none of them are allowing cats, but I feel like it's mine. I honestly couldn't imagine us ever getting one of the decent houses, simply because everything is shit and nothing good can happen if I have anything to do with it.

I just feel like a complete loser lately. I'm 23 years old, more than half way to 24. I don't have a degree, I haven't been accepted into a University. I started trying to learn violin over a year ago and have pretty much neglected to play it for months at a time, even though I plan to start like every other day, and am no better now than I was after the first 2 months of playing. I'm getting the feeling I'm too stupid to be in this degree anyway. There's just way too much to memorize. I have a 'knack' for coding but not for any of the other things involved in CS. In the game a few guys started with computer talk about brands of processors and I had almost no idea what they were talking about because, although I`m studying the technical terms and common things among hardware and operating systems, I don`t know the current jargon and actual names of the brands and wée. I'm trying anyway but I have this huge fear if I admit it that the whole thing's going to blow up in my face somehow, that I'll just never get my degree, and I'll finally be forced to accept the fact that I'm too stupid someday with some huge embarrassing event that's going to make me ruin my life and literally want to kill myself, or something.

And even things that I`m good at, I can`t do anything. I feel old and worn out already. Like I used to have all this potential and willingness to do new things, I used to want to prove myself and have so much energy. But I feel like it`s all gone, like I`ve already lived and am completely out of energy. It`s hard to describe the feeling. Like everyone goes through a stage in which they want money and power and strive to do things. Then they someday realize that it`s all stupid, and they just want to be happy and feel no need to be driven anymore, but they have a good career now resulting form the fact that they used to be driven, and so they can lay back and be happy. I feel like I`ve already arrived at the stage, but I haven`t accomplished anything yet, so I`m forced to be pushed back. I`d be happy just living on a fucking farm somewhere tbh. I care very little about money and success. But I have no choice but to pursue that. Especially because of this border thing, because I have to financially establish myself if I ever wnat to go to the US again. So I face it, I`m able to get my motivation back somewhat, but it feels wrong somehow. Like I`m never going to be as motivated as I was before to do anything, like I`m just too tired to keep playing this game of trying to achieve things. I mean it is important to me, I want to achieve certain things, at least my bachelor`s degree and to get a decent job and wée. I just feel like I should have done it already and am tired, stuck in this education loop in which I`ll constantly be in school.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

What is going on? How has no one posted in RRC&C since my last post? That was 30 hours ago. I didn't know this thread could possibly go for that long without being posted in. Even unpopular threads won't usually go for that long, and this thread I thought was like.. crack for a few people. Almost wondering if I'm missing a DV hacking or there's something wrong with the servers and posts aren't showing up for me.

Spoiler for Depressed rant:

I feel kind of depressed. Firstly I'm lonely. Secondly I'm gaining weight and eating too much again. I said I'd start counting calories again earlier today, and did, and was doing fine, until at like 1 am when I suddenly decided to eat 3 pieces of leftover Domino's pizza which suddenly seemed like ecstacy. When my bf was here I was able to summon more willpower and not give into those desires, since we were losing weight together. If one of us wanted to overeat something, the other would talk the person out of it, and it was even kind of fun. Now it's just me and it's far too easy to give in to eating a lot when I get depressed. I start out every day eating fine. I'll eat very little until night, when everyone else has gone to bed. Then I get binge cravings and just don't care anymore. I'm afraid to even weigh myself in case I gained all the weight I lost back - I have a feeling I did.

And tomorrow is my bf's birthday, as well as a Friday, so I'm sure he'll be drinking and I'll be too. Meaning more weight gain, so I'll have to wait until Saturday to really try to lose weight. That's if I don't end up drinking Saturday too.

My courses are another problem. I only have about 40 days until the course end date, and I'm afraid I won't get it done in time. I'm trying pretty much as hard as I can. I've been reading the right amount of my textbook per day but I'm afraid I'm not comprehending and remembering the material enough, so I'll fail the exam.

Everything's going so terribly lately, I just feel like everything is going to keep going that way. It feels like it's all my fault, like I've become bad luck or something now. Even things I have no control over, like my parents need to rent a new house very soon - within the next couple weeks. But they didn't get a couple they applied for and were hoping to get. It's actually the cat's fault, none of them are allowing cats, but I feel like it's mine. I honestly couldn't imagine us ever getting one of the decent houses, simply because everything is shit and nothing good can happen if I have anything to do with it.

I just feel like a complete loser lately. I'm 23 years old, more than half way to 24. I don't have a degree, I haven't been accepted into a University. I started trying to learn violin over a year ago and have pretty much neglected to play it for months at a time, even though I plan to start like every other day, and am no better now than I was after the first 2 months of playing. I'm getting the feeling I'm too stupid to be in this degree anyway. There's just way too much to memorize. I have a 'knack' for coding but not for any of the other things involved in CS. In the game a few guys started with computer talk about brands of processors and I had almost no idea what they were talking about because, although I`m studying the technical terms and common things among hardware and operating systems, I don`t know the current jargon and actual names of the brands and wée. I'm trying anyway but I have this huge fear if I admit it that the whole thing's going to blow up in my face somehow, that I'll just never get my degree, and I'll finally be forced to accept the fact that I'm too stupid someday with some huge embarrassing event that's going to make me ruin my life and literally want to kill myself, or something.

And even things that I`m good at, I can`t do anything. I feel old and worn out already. Like I used to have all this potential and willingness to do new things, I used to want to prove myself and have so much energy. But I feel like it`s all gone, like I`ve already lived and am completely out of energy. It`s hard to describe the feeling. Like everyone goes through a stage in which they want money and power and strive to do things. Then they someday realize that it`s all stupid, and they just want to be happy and feel no need to be driven anymore, but they have a good career now resulting form the fact that they used to be driven, and so they can lay back and be happy. I feel like I`ve already arrived at the stage, but I haven`t accomplished anything yet, so I`m forced to be pushed back. I`d be happy just living on a fucking farm somewhere tbh. I care very little about money and success. But I have no choice but to pursue that. Especially because of this border thing, because I have to financially establish myself if I ever wnat to go to the US again. So I face it, I`m able to get my motivation back somewhat, but it feels wrong somehow. Like I`m never going to be as motivated as I was before to do anything, like I`m just too tired to keep playing this game of trying to achieve things. I mean it is important to me, I want to achieve certain things, at least my bachelor`s degree and to get a decent job and wée. I just feel like I should have done it already and am tired, stuck in this education loop in which I`ll constantly be in school.

I don't have the energy to read all this right now, but this is the first time I've been on DV for, fuck, three weeks? and I would be pissed if we're getting hacked again.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

What is going on? How has no one posted in RRC&C since my last post? That was 30 hours ago. I didn't know this thread could possibly go for that long without being posted in. Even unpopular threads won't usually go for that long, and this thread I thought was like.. crack for a few people. Almost wondering if I'm missing a DV hacking or there's something wrong with the servers and posts aren't showing up for me.

Spoiler for Depressed rant:

I feel kind of depressed. Firstly I'm lonely. Secondly I'm gaining weight and eating too much again. I said I'd start counting calories again earlier today, and did, and was doing fine, until at like 1 am when I suddenly decided to eat 3 pieces of leftover Domino's pizza which suddenly seemed like ecstacy. When my bf was here I was able to summon more willpower and not give into those desires, since we were losing weight together. If one of us wanted to overeat something, the other would talk the person out of it, and it was even kind of fun. Now it's just me and it's far too easy to give in to eating a lot when I get depressed. I start out every day eating fine. I'll eat very little until night, when everyone else has gone to bed. Then I get binge cravings and just don't care anymore. I'm afraid to even weigh myself in case I gained all the weight I lost back - I have a feeling I did.

And tomorrow is my bf's birthday, as well as a Friday, so I'm sure he'll be drinking and I'll be too. Meaning more weight gain, so I'll have to wait until Saturday to really try to lose weight. That's if I don't end up drinking Saturday too.

My courses are another problem. I only have about 40 days until the course end date, and I'm afraid I won't get it done in time. I'm trying pretty much as hard as I can. I've been reading the right amount of my textbook per day but I'm afraid I'm not comprehending and remembering the material enough, so I'll fail the exam.

Everything's going so terribly lately, I just feel like everything is going to keep going that way. It feels like it's all my fault, like I've become bad luck or something now. Even things I have no control over, like my parents need to rent a new house very soon - within the next couple weeks. But they didn't get a couple they applied for and were hoping to get. It's actually the cat's fault, none of them are allowing cats, but I feel like it's mine. I honestly couldn't imagine us ever getting one of the decent houses, simply because everything is shit and nothing good can happen if I have anything to do with it.

I just feel like a complete loser lately. I'm 23 years old, more than half way to 24. I don't have a degree, I haven't been accepted into a University. I started trying to learn violin over a year ago and have pretty much neglected to play it for months at a time, even though I plan to start like every other day, and am no better now than I was after the first 2 months of playing. I'm getting the feeling I'm too stupid to be in this degree anyway. There's just way too much to memorize. I have a 'knack' for coding but not for any of the other things involved in CS. In the game a few guys started with computer talk about brands of processors and I had almost no idea what they were talking about because, although I`m studying the technical terms and common things among hardware and operating systems, I don`t know the current jargon and actual names of the brands and wée. I'm trying anyway but I have this huge fear if I admit it that the whole thing's going to blow up in my face somehow, that I'll just never get my degree, and I'll finally be forced to accept the fact that I'm too stupid someday with some huge embarrassing event that's going to make me ruin my life and literally want to kill myself, or something.

And even things that I`m good at, I can`t do anything. I feel old and worn out already. Like I used to have all this potential and willingness to do new things, I used to want to prove myself and have so much energy. But I feel like it`s all gone, like I`ve already lived and am completely out of energy. It`s hard to describe the feeling. Like everyone goes through a stage in which they want money and power and strive to do things. Then they someday realize that it`s all stupid, and they just want to be happy and feel no need to be driven anymore, but they have a good career now resulting form the fact that they used to be driven, and so they can lay back and be happy. I feel like I`ve already arrived at the stage, but I haven`t accomplished anything yet, so I`m forced to be pushed back. I`d be happy just living on a fucking farm somewhere tbh. I care very little about money and success. But I have no choice but to pursue that. Especially because of this border thing, because I have to financially establish myself if I ever wnat to go to the US again. So I face it, I`m able to get my motivation back somewhat, but it feels wrong somehow. Like I`m never going to be as motivated as I was before to do anything, like I`m just too tired to keep playing this game of trying to achieve things. I mean it is important to me, I want to achieve certain things, at least my bachelor`s degree and to get a decent job and wée. I just feel like I should have done it already and am tired, stuck in this education loop in which I`ll constantly be in school.

ya i see it

Originally Posted by Dianeva

What is going on? How has no one posted in RRC&C since my last post? That was 30 hours ago. I didn't know this thread could possibly go for that long without being posted in. Even unpopular threads won't usually go for that long, and this thread I thought was like.. crack for a few people. Almost wondering if I'm missing a DV hacking or there's something wrong with the servers and posts aren't showing up for me.

Spoiler for Depressed rant:

I feel kind of depressed. Firstly I'm lonely. Secondly I'm gaining weight and eating too much again. I said I'd start counting calories again earlier today, and did, and was doing fine, until at like 1 am when I suddenly decided to eat 3 pieces of leftover Domino's pizza which suddenly seemed like ecstacy. When my bf was here I was able to summon more willpower and not give into those desires, since we were losing weight together. If one of us wanted to overeat something, the other would talk the person out of it, and it was even kind of fun. Now it's just me and it's far too easy to give in to eating a lot when I get depressed. I start out every day eating fine. I'll eat very little until night, when everyone else has gone to bed. Then I get binge cravings and just don't care anymore. I'm afraid to even weigh myself in case I gained all the weight I lost back - I have a feeling I did.

And tomorrow is my bf's birthday, as well as a Friday, so I'm sure he'll be drinking and I'll be too. Meaning more weight gain, so I'll have to wait until Saturday to really try to lose weight. That's if I don't end up drinking Saturday too.

My courses are another problem. I only have about 40 days until the course end date, and I'm afraid I won't get it done in time. I'm trying pretty much as hard as I can. I've been reading the right amount of my textbook per day but I'm afraid I'm not comprehending and remembering the material enough, so I'll fail the exam.

Everything's going so terribly lately, I just feel like everything is going to keep going that way. It feels like it's all my fault, like I've become bad luck or something now. Even things I have no control over, like my parents need to rent a new house very soon - within the next couple weeks. But they didn't get a couple they applied for and were hoping to get. It's actually the cat's fault, none of them are allowing cats, but I feel like it's mine. I honestly couldn't imagine us ever getting one of the decent houses, simply because everything is shit and nothing good can happen if I have anything to do with it.

I just feel like a complete loser lately. I'm 23 years old, more than half way to 24. I don't have a degree, I haven't been accepted into a University. I started trying to learn violin over a year ago and have pretty much neglected to play it for months at a time, even though I plan to start like every other day, and am no better now than I was after the first 2 months of playing. I'm getting the feeling I'm too stupid to be in this degree anyway. There's just way too much to memorize. I have a 'knack' for coding but not for any of the other things involved in CS. In the game a few guys started with computer talk about brands of processors and I had almost no idea what they were talking about because, although I`m studying the technical terms and common things among hardware and operating systems, I don`t know the current jargon and actual names of the brands and wée. I'm trying anyway but I have this huge fear if I admit it that the whole thing's going to blow up in my face somehow, that I'll just never get my degree, and I'll finally be forced to accept the fact that I'm too stupid someday with some huge embarrassing event that's going to make me ruin my life and literally want to kill myself, or something.

And even things that I`m good at, I can`t do anything. I feel old and worn out already. Like I used to have all this potential and willingness to do new things, I used to want to prove myself and have so much energy. But I feel like it`s all gone, like I`ve already lived and am completely out of energy. It`s hard to describe the feeling. Like everyone goes through a stage in which they want money and power and strive to do things. Then they someday realize that it`s all stupid, and they just want to be happy and feel no need to be driven anymore, but they have a good career now resulting form the fact that they used to be driven, and so they can lay back and be happy. I feel like I`ve already arrived at the stage, but I haven`t accomplished anything yet, so I`m forced to be pushed back. I`d be happy just living on a fucking farm somewhere tbh. I care very little about money and success. But I have no choice but to pursue that. Especially because of this border thing, because I have to financially establish myself if I ever wnat to go to the US again. So I face it, I`m able to get my motivation back somewhat, but it feels wrong somehow. Like I`m never going to be as motivated as I was before to do anything, like I`m just too tired to keep playing this game of trying to achieve things. I mean it is important to me, I want to achieve certain things, at least my bachelor`s degree and to get a decent job and wée. I just feel like I should have done it already and am tired, stuck in this education loop in which I`ll constantly be in school.

If you aren't interested in all that other stuff in the course, why not just do programming? If you worked on a few open-source projects on GitHub, you can put a link to your GitHub profile on your resume and then send it to every place that needs programmers. Assuming you're good enough to write proper programs. If not, learn more, there are heaps of great online courses now for free. Coursera is a good one.

I just don't think anyone can really do well in a course if they aren't interested in it. And if you were interested, you would have been looking at the processors (that those guys were talking about) every day, you'd be learning about the new Cisco network adapters coming out, or whatever. So just do something you are interested in, not something that you wish you were.

You could help me write a bot to auto-trade bitcoins I'm working on one but I don't have the knowledge and it's taking ages and I don't know if my brother is ever going to do it.

I've had a headache for a week. It was gone most of today and then I took a nap and when I woke up it was back again. Considering the other symptoms I thought my back/neck might be out of alignment, so I went to see a chiropractor. He cracked my back somethin' fierce and then told me to come back Monday after he's had some time to look over my x-rays.
So I'm ridiculously bored and my head hurts. Excuse me while I sob melodramatically in the corner. -.-

I want to learn 2 things karate and writing but the class times conflict with each other. The classes are the same days and basically same times. I want to learn karate or some kind of self-defense, but I also really want to take a creative writing class. I guess I'll have to see if my community college has karate or self-defense rather than taking it somewhere else.

That awkward moment when you're making out with a girl and it's going on and on and on and you're like, "hmmm... well she seems content with this but maybe I should move things forward..." so you start to fondle her ass a little and she seems okay with that and you think, "hmmmm, well... her ass feels kinda good but... I want to have sex with her so what's the next move?" and then it strikes you, start playing with her boobies. So you begin to stroke around her belly, she knows what you're going for. She knows what you have in mind. And you pause, with a thumb raised up to just a few inches below her breast. And you wait to see, and sure enough she says, "I'm not comfortable with that right now." And so you just go back to making out, your dick hard as the Voynich manuscript, part of you wondering what the point of it is now. But you keep doing it anyway, and you try to enjoy it for what it is. After all, it's nice. But you're a horny fucker, and to you it's all a prelude to your eventual goal. You want it, you need it. Her job is to resist it, and you get that. Good for her. Good for her.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

And so you just go back to making out, your dick hard as the Voynich manuscript...

lol! 'Voynich Manuscript'. I can totally relate. Except I've been engaged for like 1.6 years. So... totally get where yo' comin' from. It genuinely weirds me out that I can wake up so turned on and my fiance can be so totally oblivous/disinterested in any sort of erotic contact. Such is life, I suppose.

I find attraction to be kind of strange for me. My emotions regarding attraction are incredibly intense, and as long as a girl can continue eluding me then I usually continue to want her. But something happens, something I'm learning from each time it happens. When I kiss them, it's still nice. But when I start to make out with them, and they let me make out with them, and we begin to move toward sex, suddenly I don't care as much. Like, it's nice, my penis enlarges and my hormones flare, but I become rather disinterested in them as a person. I don't know, maybe I'm just waiting for someone I feel a real connection to. I can't understand it right now. I'm still processing what makes me tick. I don't understand them yet. I don't understand why they change, why they're dependent on certain factors and beliefs. Why is it I get bored and unappreciative and feel like I'm just going through the motions with someone just seconds ago I really wanted? Why do I fail to connect with people when it comes to intimacy? What is wrong with me?

Originally Posted by Original Poster

I find attraction to be kind of strange for me. My emotions regarding attraction are incredibly intense, and as long as a girl can continue eluding me then I usually continue to want her. But something happens, something I'm learning from each time it happens. When I kiss them, it's still nice. But when I start to make out with them, and they let me make out with them, and we begin to move toward sex, suddenly I don't care as much. Like, it's nice, my penis enlarges and my hormones flare, but I become rather disinterested in them as a person. I don't know, maybe I'm just waiting for someone I feel a real connection to. I can't understand it right now. I'm still processing what makes me tick. I don't understand them yet. I don't understand why they change, why they're dependent on certain factors and beliefs. Why is it I get bored and unappreciative and feel like I'm just going through the motions with someone just seconds ago I really wanted? Why do I fail to connect with people when it comes to intimacy? What is wrong with me?

It sounds like maybe you just like the chase? Then when you have them you don't want them anymore. A lot of people seem to get like that. I mean it's pretty much always like that on some level. The first stages of a relationship, in which both people are unsure whether the other person really wants them, can be exciting and filled with intense lust. Then when they give themselves to you there's no mystery anymore. That's the obvious answer anyway.

F. U. Winsor Newton and your stupid child safety caps. I had to take a hammer and beat the shit out of my linseed oil to just to make the lid pop - then I lost half the oil. I HATE YOU WINSOR NEWTON AND YOUR HATE FOR PETITE HANDS! I want my money back too btw

Originally Posted by Dianeva

It sounds like maybe you just like the chase? Then when you have them you don't want them anymore. A lot of people seem to get like that. I mean it's pretty much always like that on some level. The first stages of a relationship, in which both people are unsure whether the other person really wants them, can be exciting and filled with intense lust. Then when they give themselves to you there's no mystery anymore. That's the obvious answer anyway.

Yeah but it doesn't really feel like I just like the chase, it feels like I like them. I was into one girl not too long ago and she drove me into writing all sorts of sad romantic poetry. That very night I remember writing one particular poem where I decided that she had to at least know how beautiful I thought she was. Then after we started making out, I could have gone forward and fucked her but I stopped because I just wasn't driven enough to keep going. I didn't want her that bad anymore. But I still had a deep connection, and we spent the night talking with our faces inches from each other. And I assumed I'd get a chance to fuck her eventually, but I never did. Then she cuddled with some other guy at a party and it was fucking devastating. I forgot completely about the momentary disinterest I got when the moment to fuck her was available. She was everything to me. It's not like I just like the chase, my entire personality is hijacked by the chase, I am tortured by the chase.

Originally Posted by Original Poster

Yeah but it doesn't really feel like I just like the chase, it feels like I like them. I was into one girl not too long ago and she drove me into writing all sorts of sad romantic poetry. That very night I remember writing one particular poem where I decided that she had to at least know how beautiful I thought she was. Then after we started making out, I could have gone forward and fucked her but I stopped because I just wasn't driven enough to keep going. I didn't want her that bad anymore. But I still had a deep connection, and we spent the night talking with our faces inches from each other. And I assumed I'd get a chance to fuck her eventually, but I never did. Then she cuddled with some other guy at a party and it was fucking devastating. I forgot completely about the momentary disinterest I got when the moment to fuck her was available. She was everything to me. It's not like I just like the chase, my entire personality is hijacked by the chase, I am tortured by the chase.

I'm going to stop guessing after this, but it's pretty interesting and I've never heard of anything like it. Lust for the person is supposed to increase when you're so close to sex, not decrease. But you say your sex drive doesn't actually go down, just your interest in that particular person.

Could it be that your sex drive is becoming so strong that it leaves no room for the more complex desire for the person? Before you're close to being physical, you're focused on her personality and how beautiful she is, and even the thought of ravishing her makes you want her more. But perhaps when it's actually happening, when your libido turns on fully, you forget all that, and then it's just like 'Tits and pussy =)'. And then whatever part of your mind is above that realizes you aren't feeling that same intricate desire you used to for her, so you feel like something's wrong.

Or it could just be the chase. Even though it isn't exactly comfortable, it can still be an exciting and addicting feeling, like watching a horror movie or something. :/

I'm beginning to think it's more like I confuse purely sexual attraction in women and my aversion to being alone with genuine interest in them. And once I realize I can attain sex, or at the very least that I don't have to be alone, then I realize it's not the person I'm truly interested in, but the confidence that I have someone. Once they remove my fear of being alone, all that remains is desire to have sex. I no longer feel like she's anyone special. I no longer want "her," and though I still want her pussy my sex drive doesn't really control me. I've always pursued women in search of an authentic, spiritual connection. For the deepest intimacy and greatest vulnerability. Maybe I'm just deluding myself. Maybe in reality I just need to find someone exorbitantly attractive (personality being a major part of what I find attractive in women) as well as sane enough to work with long term, and count myself lucky.

I'm slowly becoming, my inner true self, now is the time to step up and dgaf. Those who know what i mean, will see exactly. The dark side is slowly showing. Sorry people, it's just me coming out in a new shell.

My problems are back. They started in February just before my birthday but with some counselling I could deal with them. But now they're back really really badly and I keep crying myself to sleep wishing I won't wake up the next morning and I'm desperately fighting the urge to start self harming again. Also my boyfriend and I have gone on a break. It's killing me. I am a really needy person and knowing we're just acting as friends feels like someone is physically ripping my chest open. This doesn't help with the first issue and I spent nearly every moment I was walking around school today in floods of tears. My counselling's restarted again but everything looks bleak. The artery in my neck sounds like a good option right now.