Thread: Deep, deep love and loss

I discovered my husband had been cheating on me with young, stripper type women and was back into using drugs. I told him it was over. I searched through his cell phone, bag, everywhere and kept finding women's photos, sex objects and drugs. He kept following me to stop me from finding all of it and I could never get the door locked on him fast enough. I broke his cell phone. Had the cops over who were mindless idiots and did nothing. I was in a jealous and angry rage. Even the girlfriends came over and were hanging out at our house like they had done nothing wrong. My mother did not back me up, she kept trying to talk to my husband and tell him he was ok. Then other friends of the girlfriends came over. A bunch of dim witted pot smoking ner do wells. I tried to get them out of the house. I threatened, I screamed, I broke things, I took my husbands money. Then one of the idiots launched a Rottweiler on my back and I froze. I finally came up with something clever to make them leave, some enticement of a better party across town. They peeled out on motorcycles and destroyed the neighbors beautiful lawn. My husband was trying to barricade my car as I was headed to the bank before he got there to secure the account. I woke up sweating all over with wet sheets. I have been very I'll for two weeks.

The dream was in perfect, horrid detail and moved slowly for hours...gut wrenching and horrible. I got up at 4:30 am and was very upset. I smoked a ciggy and went back to bed after taking an anxiety pill. I made sure I slept on the other side of the bed so I possibly would not have the dream again. It did not work. I was angry at God for making me have a dream like this.

From 4:30am to 12:30 pm I re-dreamed it all except this time I was crying throughout the dream. I was losing the man I loved. He said he had not gotten enough sex so he was hooking up with stripper dumbasses and he was into drugs. Everyone seemed to love him, though the people he was with we're all losers. Still, he was popular. I felt old and abandoned and devastated. We went to a church. I was crying from the depths of my ripped up heart. Why didn't he want to save the marriage, we could have gotten counselling? I woke up crying and it did not let up for an hour.

I realized how much I really love him. We almost...in true life...got divorced over this kind of thing in March. But I did not have these deep aching feelings of rejection and loss. He has sence gotten clean but I am still working on trust. He is his old self again and loves me very much now...but for a year I felt he didn't care about me. He was a workaholic and a bath salt isolater.

I was fine in real life when I threatened divorce and moved most of the money into my own account. I felt like I was going to have a happier life. I am in alanon and was given these suggestions by those who had gone before me.

The dream brought up so much pain, loss and grief. It uncovered my true feelings. If you have the ability to love with all your heart, to fall in love so deeply, it can be so beautiful and sublime if reciprocated. But if you have the ability to love this way and you are rejected or abandoned...it is the deepest pain you will ever experience.

I am still broken by this dream. I told my husband through wracking sobs all aout it. I told him I didn't realize how deeply I loved him. He said he knew that and he was gentle and kind and said none of that bad stuff was ever going to happen.

I cried all through the dream and then upon waking for an hour.

Now reality has set in and I am starting to become ok. I am very fragile, injured and unwell.

I think this dream uncovered my true feelings, the ones I run from by leaving men and moving away. My father basically abandoned me as a child and my mother was not supportive and strong. I am possibly afraid of the depths of my feelings as I tended to disassociate from them as a coping mechanism when I experienced the rages of my alcoholic father, my handicapped sister and my mother and three other siblings. I would go off into a make believe world and just stare out the window for hours. I am a poet. To this day when things get bad, I lose my feelings in young adult paranormal fantasy books. I read a book a day.

I know, for me, this dream, was a gift. It was a raw look into my heart and feelings.

If anyone can offer intuitive insight and not logical alanysis into what I have written here, I would like to learn from you. I just got out of the hospital and was suicidal but am just stomach sick with a fractured pubic bone from smashing into the corner of my bed. I have a colon infection. I am very thin and have been too sick to bathe or eat much. I feel old and ugly but I know that this too shall pass.

Thanks for those of you who read this.