Thread: Another writing attempt.

OKAY. the computer I'm having to use now isn't worth a sack of dog vomit, and I'm pretty pissed about it, but my head is still clearer than yesterday somehow so alright! :'D

Originally Posted by Tyler

Jacob Draven sat with his face propped on his hand, staring at the meaningless symbols on the whiteboard at the front of the room. Ms. Stantler stood there writing equations, explaining to the class how to find "x". Around him, other students scrambled copy what she wrote because the bitch wrote to fast. Other students were lying with their faces in their hands, asleep.

this could be condensed, for sure. and 'Ms. Stantler stood there' doesn't sound good at all...not professional. let's see, maybe something like

Ms. Stantler wrote (or maybe "scribbled" would fit better with the story? sounds more hasty) equations on the board and explained how to find "x" to the portion of the class not bored to sleep. The more studious classmates scrambled to copy what she wrote - the bitch wrote too fast.

I feel like that could still be better, but you see what I mean? also, try to avoid over-using 'because', maybe use a hyphen sometimes or find a way around it. actually it's good not to over-use any word, so try to stay wary of it.

There was a blonde girl in the back of the room with her cell phone hidden behind her book, texting. No doubt spreading around the latest gossip. He turned and looked to her. She was definitely hot. She had long legs, today she was wearing an extra short skirt to showcase them. A nice tight fitting short sleeve shirt that her D-cup breasts threatened to break though.

hmmmm. first, I think 'there was' is unnecessary, crude. and the first two sentences should be combined, the second is a fragment. something like

A blonde girl in the back of the room sent text messages sneakily (or slyly? actually I just noticed you use sly further down. maybe 'craftily' or 'cunningly', idk) from behind her book, no doubt spreading the latest gossip.

'around' doesn't seem necessary, I'd drop it. next two lines I think might be alright, except I'd say he looked at her and not to her...I'm not sure why, it just seems right? I guess because when you look to someone it's usually when you're in need of/expecting something...yeah. (oh, and it might seem lame but I think 'texting' is kindof slang...so 'sent text messages' would be more proper, probably.) following lines can be combined, like

Today she wore (better than 'was wearing' but not sure why) an extra short skirt showcasing her long legs, and a nice, tight fitting short-sleeved shirt that her D-cup breasts threatened to break though.

the last part I think could be worded better. it just makes me think of something from a cheesy erotic novel or something XD besides, I'm sure I've heard it before...I hate saying that because I actually can't think of a better example for you (:x) but I definitely think you could come up with a better, more creative way of describing her big boobs XD

[quote]She bit her bottom lip as she focused on her phone, probably even unaware that Jacob was looking at her. Then, as Ms. Stantler yelled particularly loud, demanding that the class wake up, the blonde looked up and caught Jacob staring. Now you might think that she would be angry or creeped out that she was being stared at. But no, she was used to that. She merely nodded in his direction and slipped him a sly wink.[quote]

I'd drop the 'even' from the first line, it's crude and unnecessary. and I'd never eeeever use 'then,' when starting a sentence, ever :[
def rudimentary. I'd change it to something like

Ms. Stantler shouted, demanding that the class wake up; the startled blonde looked up and caught Jacob staring.

er, something like that anyway. the next part sounds more like someone speaking, and I think can be combined into one sentence, like

Accustomed to being stared at, she was not angry or creeped out; instead, she nodded in his direction and slipped him a sly wink.

I'm using too many semi-colons, damn :[
a hyphen may work, or it could be two sentences, even.

A few months ago, Jacob probably would have experienced a boner so intense that it hurt. But now he felt nothing. He merely looked away from her and looked back at the meaningless symbols on the whiteboard. They seemed to jumble together. They didn't make any sense. They had no purpose. He felt that he was one with them. They had no purpose, he had no purpose.

oh, I love this part. I particularly like the line, He felt he was one with them. reminds me of my school days u_u
anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about the use of slang, such as 'boner' instead of 'erection', and all that...like, calling the teacher a 'bitch' when it's not a character actually stating their opinion. the story focuses on Jacob, sure, but it's not written in first-person, you know what I mean? I don't think it matters, and it seems like I've read other stories - like, published books - where the author does that. but, I'm not sure. I will definitely have to look more into it, it's giving me a headache D:

I think there should be a comma after 'now' in the second sentence, and in the third, you've said 'merely' again already, too soon. gotta stay aware of word over-use! I'd change it to

His attention returned to the meaningless symbols on the whiteboard.

or something like it. and I think I'd insert an ellipses after whiteboard, personally, although I'm not sure if that's really 'professional' or not. I dunno, seems like it'd fit. I like the rest, the short sentences - whether or not it's 'proper', I think it works well to express how the character feels, and wouldn't change it regardless.

He closed his eyes and tried to block out the teacher's voice. But of course, he was almost asleep when he heard Ms. Stantler's shrill voice louder, closer.
"Jacob!" it said next to him, almost in his ear. "Jacob, wake up and tell me how to find "x!"
He sighed, stood up, and faced his teacher. He was nearly twice as tall as Ms. Stantler. Grinning madly, he reached out with his right hand and grabbed he by the hair on the top of her head. To poor Ms. Stantler's dismay, he proceeded to drag her up the row of desks to the whiteboard.
"You want me to find "x"? Jacob asked her calmly, her screams nearly blocking out his voice. He gave her hair a good yank that turned her to face the board. "Oh look, it's over here!" He said as he placed his left hand at the back of her head before ramming her face into the whiteboard. "Here's "x" Ms. Stantler, here it is! Are you happy? Are you fucking happy we found "x"?

ohhh, this part needs work u_u
I love the idea, like I said I have a character with similar fantasies. but the writing could be much better. second line, I'd drop 'but of course.' not necessary, etc etc. I think you repeat names too much - when you could say 'he/she' or something else altogether. second line, you have already said he was blocking out 'the teacher's' voice, so you could use 'she' and it would still be clear who you're referring to. never refer to a character as 'it' unless it's a herm! D:
I realize you're referring to her voice, but it just doesn't sound right. 'it' didn't say anything; we all know it was her. I'd say

"Jacob!" she cried, almost in his ear.

I don't think it's necessary to say 'next to him', we know she was getting closer, and saying 'almost in his ear' tells us she must be next to him, which I think is sufficient.

[side note - quotes. when you do a quote within a quote, you use apostrophes: "Jacob, wake up and tell me how to find 'x'!" like so :3]

just after that you have: He was nearly twice as tall as Ms. Stantler.

you could instead say, He was nearly twice her height. (or something to that effect.)

"You want me to find "x"? Jacob asked her calmly, could be 'he'

He gave her hair a good yank that turned her to face the board.

I'd say ...good yank, turning her to face... because otherwise it seems like it was the yank itself that decided to turn her, not Jacob o_o

I think the rest of that part is fine, aside from the quote thing.

"Jacob!" The shrill voice said again. Jacob opened his eyes and looked at Ms. Stantler standing next to him. "Get up and walk up to that board and show me how to find "x"!" she ordered. He stood up and looked at her a moment. His right hand twitched, for a second reaching out toward her, but he quickly directed it to his face, scratching an imaginary itch.
Ms. Stantler waved at him impatiently, directing him to the board. He turned an approached the whiteboard with the meaningless symbols. "What do you do first?" she asked him.

first line, same thing, wouldn't say a 'voice said'. in fact, the quote doesn't always have to be followed by (anyone) said. I think you know that though, from reading your later posts...anyway - could say (something like) The shriek abruptly ended his fantasy. then He opened his eyes...

I wouldn't say 'for a second reaching out...' doesn't seem proper. perhaps His right hand twitched, started to reach toward her ('out' isn't necessary), but quickly redirected to his face to scratch an imaginary itch.

I think you can drop the 'him' at the end, it's clear she's talking to Jacob.

He stared at the numbers and letters, trying to somehow piece them together into something coherent. But they refused. They wouldn't be arranged into any pattern that made any kind of sense. They sat there on the whiteboard, mocking him.
"This doesn't make any sense." Jacob stated plainly without looking away from the board.
Ms. Stantler rolled her eyes. "If you would just pay attention in class, you would know what to do first." she said.

seems fine to me

Suddenly, Jacob was furious. "Maybe if you wrote something up here that was legible, I could solve your stupid little problem. All you have is incoherent characters drawn all over this board. You've created meaningless symbols and placed them up here and asked us to solve it like it's an algebra problem. Maybe you should pay more attention." With that Jacob turned around and went back to his seat. Every one of his classmates were staring at him. Ms. Stantler did the same. She just looked at him. Finally her eyes left him and she called another student.
"Chris, please come to the board and show us how to solve this problem." A boy at the front of the class stood up and walked to the board. He picked up a marker and started writing. What he wrote was similar to what Ms. Stantler already had on the board. Nonsense.

you can drop the 'suddenly'
put a comma after 'with that'
then, The whole classroom stared, including the teacher. works, more concise, etc, then
Finally, she turned her attention to another student. you don't have to say she calls him as she does so in the next line :D
you could say 'approached' instead of 'walked to'

also, NEVER! say 'started' unless someone starts to do something but is interrupted. learned that from a great book on writing called The truth that tells a lie. learned a lot from it actually. so

He picked up a marker and made a few marks. What he put down...(to avoid using 'wrote' too many times)

EDIT: Ugh, I hate how the indentions aren't kept when I paste into the forum

god I know :(
that sucks. cos there was at least one word I saw that could use italics.
anyway, I sincerely hope I have helped. I am definitely not an english professor although I kindof wish I was :(
I just love love love critiquing stories and I think I paid enough attention in writing class to pick up some good information/tips.

my critique isn't perfect, I know, but I hope it still helps you some. I sure love giving it, and your story's actually better than a lot of amateur stuff I've read. makes me want to study more and do some writing myself, I barely write at all...or critique, this is the first real critique I've done on a story in forever. I'm rambling now :\

I can't believe the time. I'm sorry I got kinda 'short' at the end, it's been like 3 hours now and I'm getting tired ;;
seriously, let me know if I've done any good, if you got any comments or whatever, and um...I'll get to your other posts later I'm so tired after this one lol ;;

[edit] ok what...in god's name is all these '"'s
fuck
I think it's this computer. :\

[edit again] HAHA btw your story reminded me of this: lmao :D