Thread: Tell me if my friend will ever pick me over her boyfriend

You've failed to make a move for all this time. What did you think would happen?

Continue to be nice and supportive.

It is easy to feel hurt as she is not being there as much as you would for her perhaps. However, do not get angry and upset as it will only ruin things.

Find solace in the idea that if you are supportive and nice enough, she will eventually realize it and why you have done so and the feelings will be reciprocated on a grand scale.

It won't ware off - you care for her. You don't want to stop caring for her, so the only way to do so is to try and hate her. This is what motivates you to be angry.

Learn this and control this.

You're better than that.

Be there for her whenever she asks, but don't be desperate. Be normal, act yourself, keep your feelings, but stay true to yourself as well. If you two can work out, it will happen once the right circumstances come.

Be diligent.

~

Originally Posted by Maroon_Sweater

We were best friends our whole lives, and she starts dating this guy about two years ago. Now she never calls me, hardly engages in any intimate conversation, rarely asks me to hang out, and has ultimately stopped caring in general. She notices it, she just doesn't take it seriously.

She's been asking me why I've been such an ass for two years, and It makes me wonder if she honestly can't tell. She's everything to me, and suddenly I`m not the most important person in her life.

I realize I`m jealous- I know that already. But will this thing "wear-off"? Will she start treating me the same again?

Sounds like she's rearranged her priorities.

Before: You and Her -> guys

Now: Her and guys -> other stuff -> nails -> shopping -> you (now you're at the "What's your name again?" level)

Taking my facetious hat off now, I'd have to say if I were you...I'd tell her how I felt. I'd tell her I feel we're drifting apart and would like to rekindle that relationship she and I once had. Maintaining relationships is easy, rekindling them is the hard part. Trust me on that. I tried rekindling two relationships with guys I considered brothers to me in the past...but alas -sigh- it was all for naught. =/ If you all's friendship is truly worth maintaining...then don't let it get to that point. Initiate an intervention.

Originally Posted by Jeff777

Sounds like she's rearranged her priorities.

Before: You and Her -> guys

Now: Her and guys -> other stuff -> nails -> shopping -> you (now you're at the "What's your name again?" level)

Taking my facetious hat off now, I'd have to say if I were you...I'd tell her how I felt. I'd tell her I feel we're drifting apart and would like to rekindle that relationship she and I once had. Maintaining relationships is easy, rekindling them is the hard part. Trust me on that. I tried rekindling two relationships with guys I considered brothers to me in the past...but alas -sigh- it was all for naught. =/ If you all's friendship is truly worth maintaining...then don't let it get to that point. Initiate an intervention.

He speaks the truth.

Based on the information you're giving you should start dating lots of other girls and work on your self-esteem. If you have romantic interest in her, then forget her. If you do not have romantic interest but just want to rebuild the friendship, try and be more active. The way you write, it sounds like you are extremely passive in terms of organizing stuff. You can't expect people to call you a million times to meet up but never call back yourself. Especially women, especially especially women with boyfriends.

Do you or do you not have a sexual-romantic interest in her?

"She's everything to me."
This would imply to me that you either are in the hormonally unstable state of limerence or she has donated a vital organ to you. What would be one profound reason for your remark, other than a certain presumed beauty and general sexual interest? How would you feel, were she a man.

Also, two years is a long time. What the fuck have you been doing?

AND FOR GODS SAKE, DO NOT BE THERE WHENEVER SHE ASKS. In the case that you do have a life, this is not a viable option and out of your chronological capacity. In the case that you do not have a life, acquiring one such life would be of grand priority, compared to the sympathy of a mere girl.

Originally Posted by Serkat

AND FOR GODS SAKE, DO NOT BE THERE WHENEVER SHE ASKS. In the case that you do have a life, this is not a viable option and out of your chronological capacity. In the case that you do not have a life, acquiring one such life would be of grand priority, compared to the sympathy of a mere girl.

Obviously an allusion to what I said.

My point was that you ought to be willing and supportive for your friends. Not to be desperate, obviously..

~

Originally Posted by O'nus

Obviously an allusion to what I said.

Very much so. I did not intend to offend, however.

My point was that you ought to be willing and supportive for your friends. Not to be desperate, obviously..

Yes, I agree.

I also believe that one vital step would be for him to realize that he is not involved in a competitive mushroom race. Thinking in terms of other people's priorities and aiming to be "the most important person in her life" is not only a sure way to fail but also one that is pressuring for the affected person. It is a concept of no relevance whatsoever for the actual human relationship. It is something private too, not a list that people hand out at dinner parties. Also it is something that needs to be accepted in the state that it is in, not in a wished-for state.

You take what you get, and you give what you can. No expectations, no priorities. Surely there shall be a distinction between dependence and what was once friendship. A loss of a friend is not a loss of self.

Let her go. It's one of the hardest things to do, but just... do it. Life is like that, you know. Sometimes it just happens that way. Don't expect to get over her right away, or at all, but let her go anyway. Don't use your continual feelings for her as justification to cling.

Originally Posted by Serkat

Based on the information you're giving you should start dating lots of other girls and work on your self-esteem. If you have romantic interest in her, then forget her. If you do not have romantic interest but just want to rebuild the friendship, try and be more active. The way you write, it sounds like you are extremely passive in terms of organizing stuff. You can't expect people to call you a million times to meet up but never call back yourself. Especially women, especially especially women with boyfriends.

Do you or do you not have a sexual-romantic interest in her?

"She's everything to me."
This would imply to me that you either are in the hormonally unstable state of limerence or she has donated a vital organ to you. What would be one profound reason for your remark, other than a certain presumed beauty and general sexual interest? How would you feel, were she a man.

Also, two years is a long time. What the fuck have you been doing?

AND FOR GODS SAKE, DO NOT BE THERE WHENEVER SHE ASKS. In the case that you do have a life, this is not a viable option and out of your chronological capacity. In the case that you do not have a life, acquiring one such life would be of grand priority, compared to the sympathy of a mere girl.

Woah, slow down here. I am NOT in any way sexually attracted to her. I say she's everything to me because we've been Best Friends since we were three years old. I do not exaggerate.

I want you to pick a memory from kindergarden, daycare, something like that. Now imagine someone being with you through your whole life from then on. Place the thought of that person in every memory you've had up until yesterday. That's why she's everything to me. We love each other in a completely platonic way. There isn't even a word to describe how we care (or cared) for each other.

So it's not that easy for me to just blow it off. It would be like a completely different lifestyle.

As for the two years of my life- it's been a gradual thing. I figured I couldn't force her to want to be with me, so I would let her be with who she wanted, trying to stay in her life at the same time.

It's hard, and it's not working.

Ah, I see. I think up until you posted that, everyone thought you were in love with her or something.

Question, how old are you? And how old is she?

edit - umm...love your av btw, it's hilarious. Where did you get it??

Originally Posted by kichu

Ah, I see. I think up until you posted that, everyone thought you were in love with her or something.

Yea.

Originally Posted by Maroon_Sweater

pick me over her boyfriend

How does his boyfriend even have any relevance? Please expand on this point. Whether or not there is a person more important to her than you is irrelevant to whether or not you have a fulfilling platonic relationship with her. So you need to get that out of your system, as I said in my previous post.

Originally Posted by Maroon_Sweater

I want you to pick a memory from kindergarden, daycare, something like that. Now imagine someone being with you through your whole life from then on. Place the thought of that person in every memory you've had up until yesterday.

OK, this just means that you need to work on your social skills. Spending your entirely life with close friendship to mostly just one person is a terrible way of living. You seem to be quire obsessed. Even without such obsession, only an absolute minority of people like being the focal point of a single person's life.

It's just annoying to carry the burden of two people's lives. Most people are more than busy with their own lives. I guarantee you that she as a girl can smell from miles away that you are lost without her. Women hate that in men, and in friendships as well.

If she is "everything" to you then there is something wrong with your life. Sure, intense friendships are nice but they are neither a purpose nor a goal in life. It is entirely pointless to base your entire life on just one person. Instead you should find something that gives your life a direction and find a range of supporting friends.

I feel that this prolonged state of restricted social interaction has been detrimental to your self-esteem which is why I suggested previously you do something about that. Judging yourself in the mirror of how another person judges you certainly is unhealthy. Nobody with a healthy self-images aims to be the most important person in another person's life. People aim to have fulfilling human relationships.
The more people you know the more important you will be, even though I still consider that irrelevant.

Whom you should be the most important person in life to is yourself.

So it's not that easy for me to just blow it off. It would be like a completely different lifestyle.

That doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do. You don't need to "blow it off", but you do need to acquire a completely different lifestyle either way. You do need to make more friends and you do need to stop worrying about how important or unimportant you are to her. It's irrelevant. What counts is that you are not in a state of mental dependence on a single person.

^ That's all good advice, but I get the feeling that he is quite young, and knowing all of that stuff is something that will come with age and maturity. I almost think that kind of advice isn't the right approach to this situation, although it's obviously thoughtful and meaningful. I think knowing OP's age will help clarify things.

Yes, very true. OP lives with his parents which in combination with his style of writing would lead me to conclude he is somewhere between 16 and 18, implying that his friend's boyfriend is in fact her first boyfriend, acquired somewhere around the ages of 14-15 which would be average and would further support my theory.

yeah...I`m 15. She's 16. I understand how crazy I`m sounding, but thank you so much for all your advice. Her boyfriend used to be a good friend of mine also, you see, we were a trio kind of thing, so now that they're dating I've become the odd one out. He seems to think I`m really annoying now, so I feel as if I`m losing two friends, not just one.

I do have other friends, none of them are as close, but I should probably spend more time with them...

Again, you guys are really helpful, thank you for trying to understand me rather than telling me to just give up.

Make out with her, put it on video, then on the internet, and see where it goes from there.

Ah, there you go. 15 is so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. This will pass. You'll create other meaningful relationships, trust me. You'll get married one day! It's all good.

As for now though, I would suggest baby steps. I totally understand the relationship you guys created and how hard this must be. And yeah, it sucks. That's life though.

Two things.

1) Yes, spend more time with other friends. That's it. Simple. Get out there and start experiencing things that don't have anything to do with her. Relationships will form and grow. Adventures will happen. Your life will continue on and you'll be happy.

2) I don't know if this is a good or bad thing to bring up, but it's likely she's not spending her life with this guy. They WILL break up at some point. And she probably will come back to you. Just something to keep in mind to help you prepare yourself for that moment. I wouldn't suggest waiting for that moment. I would suggest, as I said, to get out there and start forming a life separate from her. If you guys do resume your close friendship one day, you will have more to contribute to the relationship if you have your own fun, interesting life. And hopefully that will make it harder for her to do the same thing to you all over again when she meets her next man.

One thing that many really close friends don't seem to realize is that friendships (real friendships) are not threatened by time apart. They change and they grow, but if you and her are as close as you say, her dating - even though it may put you to the wayside for a while - is not going to ruin your friendship. If it does, you were more her friend than she was yours, to begin with.

If you are not in this with the goal of being romantically involved with her, let her do her own thing. Be there when she needs you to be (contrary to if you were looking toward a romance with her), and just keep touching base. You are two different people, and your lives aren't going to always be as tightly intertwined as they were in your childhood. That's just a part of individuals growing up. You have to give her her space. Though it may seem so to you, I seriously doubt that she has any intention of "dumping you" for a prospect, but she probably has to find a level of attention that she feels she has to give to him, being that their relationship is so much different than yours.

In short; don't make too much of it. Being the closest of friends is one thing. Being up the other friend's ass 24/7 is something entirely different. Just make sure you keep in touch with her, and occasionally let her know how much she still means to you - without doing so in a way that implies you're trying to take her (intimately) away from her boyfriend.

Now, this is all said while believing that you are not interested in taking your relationship with her further than friendship...if that is actually your ulterior motive, it's a different situation entirely.

Exactly. You have to face the reality that as you grow up, things change, life goes back and forth and up and down. Like I said, a better understanding of all of this will come with age. You'll get there.

Thank you.