The "Fake Your Own Death" Maneuver

[Lewcidius]

The "Fake Your Own Death" Maneuver: 1. Take your family camping deep in the woods. Make certain it’s a time of year amenable to outdoor activities. To go camping in the dead of winter will only cause warning bells to go off in the minds of your so-called loved ones. Curb your impatience and play the waiting game. Or online poker. 2. The flowers are in bloom, the birds are singing, and your weary spirit, burdened for so long by familial pressures and responsibilities you had never imagined, is ready to soar again. As you’re making camp with the wife and kids, remark on the beauty of nature, the timelessness of the earth itself, and the ever-present danger of ravenous bears. Especially the part about the bears. (This will be important later.) 3. Take everyone on a hike during which you happen to notice curious tracks in the dirt. Feign interest long enough for one of your family members to ask what kind of animal it was. “A bear,” you say, looking pensively into the woods. “A ravenous bear.” Your previous hunting trips will grant you authority in this situation, even though you spent all your time in the cabin getting drunk. 4. Take your family fishing at a nearby stream. Catch several fish (salmon, if possible), cook them for supper, and casually mention that bears can scent a fish for up to eight miles. As darkness falls, proceed to tell tales around the campfire. Each and every tale should prominently feature a bear. 5. As your children retire to their separate tent, tell your wife you’ll join her in your own tent after a quick trip to water the bushes. Take off your sweatshirt, quietly rip it to shreds, and deposit it where you’re certain it will be found in the morning. It wouldn’t hurt to leave your hat as well, and possibly a shoe. Resist the urge to create a commotion. Don’t shake the bushes, don’t scream bloody murder, and above all do not make growling sounds. 6. Escape into the woods and attempt to find your way back to civilization. This will be extremely difficult in the dark, with little or no food and water, and only one shoe. There’s also the very real possibility that you’ll encounter a ravenous bear. 7. When you eventually reach some dust-filled hamlet, you may consider yourself liberated at last. It was a long journey, both literally and figuratively, but it was worth it. You may want to stop at the only gas station in town and inquire on the availability of a job and a room to rent out back. 8. If you’re still hopelessly lost in the woods at this point, might as well make the best of it and become a mountain man. It’s better than being back home, and you know the food will be better.

[tommo]

Lol funny shit man. Shouldn't be in senseless banter IMO. Also I'd love to actually try this someday. Just need to get a family first....

[Man of Steel]

Thought I'd give you a brief review, since I suddenly have a lot of time on my hands hand. It went great up until step five, when just as I was starting to rip up my shirt (it's summer here) a bear stepped out of the trees and onto me. Now I have no family (they all got eaten by the bear), no legs (they got eaten by the bear) and no left hand (it got eaten by the bear). So thanks a lot for the foolproof method. I think I would have been better off with the drowning at sea package. At least then my family would still be alive, and I wouldn't be in a hospital and facing criminal charges (apparently I set the bear on fire in defense, and it in turn stared a forest fire; I don't remember anything after my legs). 2/10 Would not recommend to a friend. If you try this, I would advise carrying bearspray, it might help (mine got eaten by the bear).