Thread: Share a favorite joke! ;-)

How do you make a baby cry twice?

Wipe your bloody penis on his teddy bear.

.. Ok.. no more jokes involving babies and penises.

In fact, and I know this may lessen the joke pool, but no more jokes involving any sexual genitalia!

A baby seal walked into a club

Three Drunk Men

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"


Who is Marylou?!?

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

Before I tell you the joke, I must warn you that it is very lame but I'm in love with it.


Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Doorbell repair man.

OK, this is one I made up, and it's a bit esoteric, but I do believe it is a contender for shortest joke in the world, so here it is:

Mork: Nanu nanu*!
Japanese Person: Nani** nani?

*an Orkian greeting
**means "what?" or sometimes "huh?"

...

And if your brain hurts, here's a regular joke; a variant on a real goodie --

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God almighty!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our lord and savior," but, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" Shouted Mary and the teacher said, "very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.

"What did eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The teacher fainted.

What do you call a soldier that laughs to himself?

Private Joke



What do you call a farmer that dislikes his vehicles?


An ex-tractor fan




Doctor, Doctor I feel like a snooker ball!
Get to the end of the cue

What do you call 10 rabbits in a row, walking backwards?

A receeding hare-line

Originally posted by Fetish
A baby seal walked into a club

LOL

Apple man saved an apple.
orange man saved an orange.

lemon man was to bitter to save anyone.

potatoe man yelled you save tomaatoe and I save potatoee.
tomarto man got confused and saved the potatoe.

potatoe man did not save the tomatoe. and a car ran over it.

funny if you really think about it deeply......


now can I have a prize for the dumbest joke?

8)

not really funny but... heard chandler say it on friends once... and bleh:

"Isn't it interesting how donald duck doesn't wear any pants, yet he still wears a towel around the waste?"-Chandler

Originally posted by Fetish
A baby seal walked into a club

LOL .

TB

ok so there's this beer

Yearly Physical.

An old man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Originally posted by A Lonely Soul
So there are these two guys locked away for all eternity, and they are sentenced to say, Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock... Forever and ever right?

And the one guy starts just saying, Tick tick tick tick

And the jailor comes up to him, and says....

We have ways of making you tock!

Bwahaha

There was a Swedish guy named Sven, and Sven had many hardships in his life. For example, his family was very poor; his father had one eye, and webbed feet. His mother was deaf, mute, and was missing a couple fingers, he had several siblings but 2 or 3 had died from miscarriages, and 2 from diseases. As I said, Sven was very used to hardships.
So after considering all of these hardships Sven decided to go to America to find a job, and fewer hardships, but as I said earlier, his family was very, very poor, and couldn’t afford a boat ticket over to America from Sweden. So Sven, motivated to make money for his family, offered to clean the boat, and take the night watch on this boat to earn his way to America, but this was OK for him, because Sven was used to hardships. The ships captain agreed, and said he can only eat minimal amounts of food per day, but this was also ok because Sven was used to hardships.

The first night, when Sven is cleaning the deck and going about his business, 12 AM comes by and Sven takes a small break and looks way out into the horizon to see all the glittering water lit up by the moon, and all the stars in the sky, it is SO beautiful that he just can resist himself and jumps into the cold water, but its OK that the water is freezing, cause Sven is used to hardships. As he is swimming out into the ocean, he does the front stroke, the backstroke, the breaststroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. Well he is about 2 miles away from the boat, but that’s ok because Sven is used to hardships, but he decides to go back, on the way back he does the front stroke, the back stroke, the breast stroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. When he gets back to the boat it is roughly 2 AM, and the captain is waiting for him. Well Sven is in trouble, but that’s ok, because Sven is used to hardships. The captain says, “Sven, because you took a swim and skipped work, you will be but in the boats brig all tomorrow, and you will do 2 more hours of work, tomorrow night.” But this is ok, because Sven is used to hardships.

The second night, when Sven is cleaning the deck and going about his business, 12 AM comes by and Sven takes a small break and looks way out into the horizon to see all the glittering water lit up by the moon, and all the stars in the sky, it is SO beautiful that he just can resist himself and jumps into the cold water, but its OK that the water is freezing, cause Sven is used to hardships. As he is swimming out into the ocean, he does the front stroke, the backstroke, the breaststroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. Well he is about 4 miles away from the boat, but that’s ok because Sven is used to hardships, but he decides to go back, on the way back he does the front stroke, the back stroke, the breast stroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. When he gets back to the boat it is roughly 4 AM, and the captain is waiting for him. Well Sven is in trouble, but that’s ok, because Sven is used to hardships. The captain says, “Sven, because you took a swim and skipped work, you will do 4 more hours of work tomorrow night, and if I ever catch you again, and you get whipped for skipping work, and if I ever catch you skipping work again, I will consider throwing you overboard to the sharks.” But this is ok, because Sven is used to hardships.


The THIRD night, when Sven is cleaning the deck and going about his business, 12 AM comes by and Sven takes a small break and looks way out into the horizon to see all the glittering water lit up by the moon, and all the stars in the sky, it is SO beautiful that he just can resist himself and jumps into the cold water, but its OK that the water is freezing, cause Sven is used to hardships. As he is swimming out into the ocean, he does the front stroke, the backstroke, the breaststroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. Well he is about 6 miles away from the boat, but that’s ok because Sven is used to hardships, but he decides to go back, on the way back he does the front stroke, the back stroke, the breast stroke, the butterfly stroke, the doggy pattle, and every other stroke there is, and some Swedish ones too. When he gets back to the boat it is roughly 6 AM, and the captain is waiting for him. Well Sven is in trouble, but that’s ok, because Sven is used to hardships. The captain says, “SVEN I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!.” Sven runs as fast as he can to avoid the captains grasp, and runs up the crows nest, and the captain says, COME DOWN OR I WILL SHOOT YOU!, well Sven stays up there, and the captain takes a shot at him,

But Sven dodges the bullet, and looses his balance and falls to the extremely hard deck of the boat, but this is ok because Sven is used to hardships.

Originally posted by Eric Estrada
But Sven dodges the bullet, and looses his balance and falls to the extremely hard deck of the boat, but this is ok because Sven is used to hardships.

OMG! {groan} I wondered what the final punchline was going to be! LOL!!

Some of my favorite POLICE jokes:

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A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

-----------------------------------------------

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says 'It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.' The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says 'My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to bring her back'. The cop replied, 'Have a nice day' and walked back to his car.

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A dirtbag breaks into a house and hears a voice say 'Jesus is watching you'. He freezes up for a second, takes a look around and when he didn't see anybody, reaches for the VCR and hears the voice again say 'Jesus is watching you'.
He looks around again and notices a parrot over in the corner of the room. He reaches for the VCR again and the parrot says 'Jesus is watching you'.
He walks over to the parrot and asks it its name. The parrot told him 'Moses'. The criminal asked the parrot what kind of idiot named a parrot Moses.
The parrot replied, 'The same kind of idiot that would name a Doberman 'Jesus'.

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Cop. Being a typical lawyer, he thinks he is smarter than the Cop so he decides to have some fun at the Cop’s expense.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "Why?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "Exactly! License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is the law says you have to come to a full and complete stop. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "I’ll make you a deal. If you can show me the legal difference between slowdown and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says, "Certainly. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The Lawyer exits his vehical and, at this point, the Cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer! All the while, the Cop kept saying...

"SO DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

Originally posted by Eric Estrada
But Sven dodges the bullet, and looses his balance and falls to the extremely hard deck of the boat, but this is ok because Sven is used to hardships.

you so stole that from lowercase

Originally posted by kid robot


you so stole that from lowercase

Yes, I went in my "favorite topics" page to find it too.

An old Irish couple, Pat and Darby, are in their bedchamber. Darby lies on her deathbed, for sure, and Pat sits beside her faithfully. Then Darby speaks up.

"Pat?"
"Yes, love?" he replies.
"Pat, if I die ... do you think you'll be remarryin'?"
"Oh, Darby," he says, "don't be talkin' of such things."
"I'd realy like to know, love," she insists.
"Well, I have thought about it," he admits reluctantly "and I suppose that after being with you for so long, that I've grown used to having someone near me. I ... I suppose that ... yes. I think I'd marry again."
"That's good," she assures him, "you should. Your type needs a wife around."

He smiled and patted her hand gently. They sat in silence for a minute, but then Darby Speaks up again.

"Pat?"
"Yes, Love?"
"Pat, if I die, and if you do remarry," she hesitated "do you think you'd be teachin' your new wife to play golf?"
"Oh, darby, I don't know." He thought for a moment. "I suppose, that if you do die, and I do remarry ... well, I've enjoyed your company on the links so, I think I likely would bring her out for a game or two, I suppose."
"That's good," says Darby, "you should. I wouldn't want you to ever be lonely."

He smiled lovingly again, and kissed her forehead tenderly. Silence stretched.

"Pat?"
"Yes love?"
"If I die, and you do remarry, and you do teach your new wife to play golf ... do you think you'd be givin' her me golf clubs?"
"Oh, no. Of course not!" He didn't hesitate, "Those clubs were made custom just for you. I could never give those to anyone else. ... Besides, she's left-handed."

I heard this a few years ago i dont know if im saing it right

Theres was an hindu guy, a japaneese guy,and a American guy on a plane and the plane was gona crash if they dont trow some stuff out.So the hindu guy threw out Rice,The Japaneese guy threw out Technology and the american threw out a crate of grendades.But the plane was still too heavy and they crashed in the deser. They were walking along trying to find some help when they arived at a house and the person there was sad. The american asked why are you sad. the man replied "Some asshole threw down rice all over my house"
they didint have a phone or anything. Than they went to another house and the woman was also sad again they asked why are you sad? she replied " Some idiot threw down electronics all over my houseve electrisity. So they went to the 3rd house and a woman was cracking up! and theres was a burning house behind her. They asked whats so funny and she replied
"I farted and my house exploded!"

[quote]Share a favorite joke! Below is one of my favorites!

Joe and Dave are out in the woods hunting when Dave suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Frantic, Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,
"I think Dave is dead! What should I do?!"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence....and then a shot is heard.

Joe comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

A recent study in the UK concluded that this is in fact the funniest joke ever told. I like it.

1944
an englishman, a scottman and a welshman are escaping from the nazi's in the desert, the nazi's catch them and esemble a firing squad to kill them.
they stand the englishman up ready to shoot when he points behind the nazi's and screams"SAND STORRRM!!"..... The germans turn round too see, when they look back the english man had ran away.
they get ready to shoot the scottsman,they line up ready when the scottsman point an shouts"TIDAL WAVE!!". THE NAZI'S turn around to look and the scottsman escapes.
they get ready to shoot the welshman, they line up ready and the welsh man points behind them and shouts out "FIRE!!"

bang