Thread: Cletus

Originally Posted by grasshoppa

You don't say...

The coincidence is not accidental. Cletus is a pawn of ERIS!

Lies! Why is it that both posts you have ever made on DV are about disrespecting my religious beliefs? Can't we all get along? If you want to be an inferior human being and spend eternity in the Hazzard County Jail, that's your business. I'm not saying anything insulting. Why do you have too?

Originally Posted by Universal Mind

Ah, but you also have to consider the book of Boss Hog 14:22...
FEAR NOT THE LORD CLETUS - OR I SHALL NOT SENDETH FORTH THE RABBIT SHADOW PUPPET OF DEATH TO SMITE THEE

Don't be a fundamentalist and interpret stuff literally: Boss Hog and Cletus are one and the same.

Originally Posted by evildoctor

Hmmmm. Sorry PhilosopherStoned. Grasshoppa does make an excellent point.

Eris is HOT and a very very very very bad girl. My kind of goddess.

And the law of fives is indeed everywhere.

I may have to convert.

You're going to hell.

Originally Posted by Fableflame

How can I find Cletus?
I want to allow Cletus into my life but I don't know where to find him

First you have to send me a check. Then Cletus (Or a carefully chosen representative) will show up and penetrate you with their holy spirit.

Originally Posted by grasshoppa

There is no going back. It's okay to worship Cletus so long as you know he's second to the all mighty goddess Eris. By worshiping Cletus you are inadvertently worshiping Eris.

LIES! LIES! There is none but Cletus! Quit being so intolerant of my ideas.

Originally Posted by PhilosopherStoned

First you have to send me a check. Then Cletus (Or a carefully chosen representative) will show up and penetrate you with their holy spirit.

How much money and where do I send it?
My life is a wreck and I definitely am in need of Cletus's intervention.

Originally Posted by PhilosopherStoned

Lies! Why is it that both posts you have ever made on DV are about disrespecting my religious beliefs? Can't we all get along? If you want to be an inferior human being and spend eternity in the Hazzard County Jail, that's your business. I'm not saying anything insulting. Why do you have too?

LIES! LIES! There is none but Cletus! Quit being so intolerant of my ideas.

I'm not disrespecting you. You said yourself that Cletus farted everything out 23 years ago! Eris operates via the law of fives, the number 23 is apart of this law THEREFORE Cletus is a pawn of ERIS! I think we need to add an Erisian segment to the holy text of Cletus.

The bible has a new testament does it not?

He he
This thread is just great.

Time to start a devotional.

I will start with one of my favorite passages from the Revelations Of Crazy Cooter. I picked these verses as these troubled times, and its comforting to remember that CLETUS has promised the righteous entry into the Boars Nest when we die. It also reminds us of the bounty and abundance of Daisy Dukes breasts, and the comfort that may be found therein.

And Bo said, Brother! I ask you not to stare directly upon the glory of our sisters jugs. For in Cletus’s wisdom no mortal man may gaze upon the wonder of the holy tits lest they bursteth into flame and their pants explodeth.
Cooter 2:2
And Luke was saddened and stricken with remorse. Why therefore dideth the lord Cletus bless us with such splendor and temptation?
Cooter 2:3
And So Bo said. Take heart my brother and be strong .Yea, If thou must look then gaze furtively out of the corner of thy eye. The Lord Cletus knows it is hard and forgives us of this. Then thou must depart to the wilderness or outhouse until thy bulge hath subsided.
Cooter 2:4
Know also brother that in the Boars Nest ,the house of our lord Cletus, the holy may dwell forever in the bounty of his paradise. The Miller Lite is free and runneth cold and Daisy be forever topless. Know also that upon arriving at our fathers house thou will be received into the midst of the chest of our sister, therein thou shalt place thy face, wiggle it about, and make the BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLB noise.
Cooter 2:5
And Verily Luke was much cheered, he knew it was truth and good, and yea gave thanks to Cletus, yea praise be to Cletus.
Cooter 2:6

I'm afraid I've not seen any historical records catalouging the existence of cletus.

Nor have I seen a five thousand year old book catalouging all his works.

I haven't heard about fifty thousand testimonies from real life people today, and from hundreds of years ago telling me of his amazing grace.

I'm afraid "cletus" is the worst analogy I've ever heard in my life.

Originally Posted by Noogah

I'm afraid I've not seen any historical records catalouging the existence of cletus.

Nor have I seen a five thousand year old book catalouging all his works.

I haven't heard about fifty thousand testimonies from real life people today, and from hundreds of years ago telling me of his amazing grace.

I'm afraid "cletus" is the worst analogy I've ever heard in my life.

BLASPHEMY!!!!

Stone the heathen, Burn him! Both at the same time!!

And his family and his entire town!

Originally Posted by Noogah

I haven't heard about fifty thousand testimonies from real life people today, and from hundreds of years ago telling me of his amazing grace.

Thats a serious amount of listening Noog - no wonder you are so busy and need to leave threads!

Why arent you hanging your TV or even better replying to O'nus?

Originally Posted by Noogah

I'm afraid I've not seen any historical records catalouging the existence of cletus.

Are there historical records cataloging the existence of Jesus?

Originally Posted by Noogah

Nor have I seen a five thousand year old book catalouging all his works.

Wait for five thousand years. Time is meaningless when it comes to religions. All it does is increase the probable "stupidity" of a belief. I won't expect a stone age belief to include advanced philosophical concepts and scientific facts, it's much more likely that the belief will be unrealistic and simplistic, from out current, relatively more advanced point of view.

Originally Posted by Noogah

I haven't heard about fifty thousand testimonies from real life people today, and from hundreds of years ago telling me of his amazing grace.

I'm afraid "cletus" is the worst analogy I've ever heard in my life.

Why do you need fifty thousand people telling you something? Can't you think for yourself... I don't care if fifty thousand people believe that eating shit gets you to heaven. I can find you fifty thousand people telling you of an X entities amazing grace without a problem. Will you believe what they believe then? If not, then why does the fact that the Cletus religion only has one believer bother you?

Cletus is as good as any other analogy. Right next to The Invisible Pink Unicorn, The FSM, Odin, Thor, the celestial teapot etc.

Originally Posted by Noogah

I'm afraid I've not seen any historical records catalouging the existence of cletus.

Nor have I seen a five thousand year old book catalouging all his works.

I haven't heard about fifty thousand testimonies from real life people today, and from hundreds of years ago telling me of his amazing grace.

I'm afraid "cletus" is the worst analogy I've ever heard in my life.

You don't need historical records or fifty thousand testimonies for an analogy.

Originally Posted by grasshoppa

I'm not disrespecting you. You said yourself that Cletus farted everything out 23 years ago! Eris operates via the law of fives, the number 23 is apart of this law THEREFORE Cletus is a pawn of ERIS! I think we need to add an Erisian segment to the holy text of Cletus.

The bible has a new testament does it not?

That's right. The universe is twenty 23 years old. In a year, it will be 24 years old. You've finally stretched too far. The Hazzard County Jail is waiting for you.

And for the record, not believing in Cletus, or saying that Cletus is anything other than the one true lord of the universe is insulting me. When you question by beliefs, you insult me!

Originally Posted by Noogah

I'm afraid I've not seen any historical records catalouging the existence of cletus.

Nor have I seen a five thousand year old book catalouging all his works.

It's those arrogant fucking historians and their broken-ass dating techniques. Fucking scientists: They understand radioactive decay well enough to safely store tons of uranium but they can't work out a simple differential equation to determine how old a sample of Carbon-14 is. Pathetic. The reason that you don't see a five thousand year old book is that the universe is only twenty three years old! Are you daft?!

Originally Posted by Noogah

I haven't heard about fifty thousand testimonies from real life people today, and from hundreds of years ago telling me of his amazing grace.

I'm throwing a huge acid party in San Francisco next month. There will be tons of people getting penetrated by Cletus's Holy Spirit^TM. I'll have lot's of testimonies after that.

Originally Posted by evildoctor

Stone the heathen...

He doesn't deserve the honor of partaking in Cletus's most beloved of ceremonies.

Originally Posted by Bonsay

Are there historical records cataloging the existence of Jesus?

Sure are.

Originally Posted by Fableflame

You don't need historical records or fifty thousand testimonies for an analogy.

Your analogy is rediculous since you mad it up off the top of your head.

Don't you get it? Nobody believes in Cletus because of the reasons I posted, which is why you can't compare the two.

Originally Posted by Noogah

I'm afraid I've not seen any historical records catalouging the existence of cletus.

What? You haven't read this thread? Then why did you post in it?

Originally Posted by Noogah

Nor have I seen a five thousand year old book catalouging all his works.

You have seen a half a day old thread about His works. Half a day is ten trillion years to Cletus.

Originally Posted by Noogah

I haven't heard about fifty thousand testimonies from real life people today, and from hundreds of years ago telling me of his amazing grace.

Stop denying His love and choosing to go to the Hazzard County Jail. Personal knowledge of the wonders of Cletus is expressed by several in this holy thread about Him. I don't appreciate the way you wrote "his" with a lower case h, and neither do Bo and Luke.

Originally Posted by Noogah

I'm afraid "cletus" is the worst analogy I've ever heard in my life.

Cletus loves you so very much. He will torture you big time.

Wait...maybe Eris is the anti-cletus! WTF IM GOING TO HCJ! Help me pastor Philosopherstoned!

And Bo said, Brother! I ask you not to stare directly upon the glory of our sisters jugs.

Daisy was their cousin not sister hahahaha

Bo and Luke were cousins as well.

Originally Posted by davej

Daisy was their cousin not sister hahahaha

Bo and Luke were cousins as well.

Brother Dave,

We are all brothers and sisters in the eye's of Cletus.

Mention not the name of the anti-Cletus. To invoke his name is peril!

Originally Posted by davej

Just one question..

where does



come into play?

He is the anticletus! Rosco and Cletus used to work for the same sheriff's department, but Rosco is a fallen sheriff.

Originally Posted by davej

Daisy was their cousin not sister hahahaha

Bo and Luke were cousins as well.

They are also all the same prophet, except different prophets.

Originally Posted by Universal Mind

but Rosco is a fallen sheriff.

Indeed,

The anti-cletus was cast down from the Boars Nest when he dared arrogantly to critisize our Lord. He will languish in the darkest depths of the Hazzard County jail for all times.

Apart of course that Cletus keeps him on retainer to tempt us mortals and test our faith from time to time. Cletus could of course stop his evil deeds if he wanted, Cletus is all powerful and everywhere, but decides not to for some reason. We dont question this as "ours is not to wonder why, and he moves in mysterious ways".