 Originally Posted by Oneironaut
Whoa, where the fuck was my head at?? 
actually when I was little the number "52" was drilled into my head. and into my sisters heads as well. and they did a little thing on what people know and a lot of people say "52" as well
for the life of me, I don't know why I was taught "52" states, puerto rico was never a state 
anyways, back on topic
have any of you, ever had a moment? Its hard for me to describe this moment.
its happened to me only twice in my childhood, provoked by nothing.
the first time I was ten and playing in my bedroom. then, all of a sudden, it was like time stopped. but it didn't stop. just it was a moment that seemed endless.
in this moment, I no longer knew who I was. I no longer knew where I was. I looked into the mirror *we had a vanity in the room* and I could no longer recognize myself
and I started to ask myself questions
"who am I?" the first response in my head was my name "but I am not a name? who am I really?"
so I started to think. am I, me, because of the things I like? so I looked at my times, but all attachment to them was gone. so I thought "if I stop liking all the things I like, do I stop being me?"
so then I thought of the people I knew. am I who I am because of the people I know? "do I stop being me if I forget everyone I know?"
then I looked in the mirror and recognized it was a girls face "do I stop being me if I stop being a girl?"
again this was all in an INSTANT.
and in that instant I completely let go of every outer attachment that I had perceived as being me. my name. my age. my nationality. the things I like. the people I loved. all of the things 'left me'
my heartbeat rose, I started to panic. it felt like any moment the room would collapse if I stopped believing I was in a room.
I didn't know who I was if I wasn't any of these things. but I recognized too in that moment when I stopped being a ten year old girl, that I still was. that I still thought, that I was still conscious. I wasn't my name! I wasn't my age! I wasn't my gender! I wasn't the things I say or do! I just..was!
"I am!" that was the only answer I could get in the end and in the moment when I got that answer there was a dread, a fear that took over me. because I felt like if I stayed in this moment of just being I would die - because nothing around me really was real, except me. I was the only real thing in this bedroom.
and I felt, that if this moment continued, I would become God - and lose all sense of human identity, and simply be.
I shake my head and I let go of the moment. And my sense of reality changed. the room became stable. I identified myself with my name, my gender, my age, my family, and I went back to playing my game with my toys.
I never wanted to experience that again, at least in my youth - because it made me feel everything I thought I was, everything I do in life, wasn't real. It was all some grand play. and some how, I, 'I' was something else. I come from a catholic background, I was not aware of the belief of the Christ consciousness or God consciousness.
that happened again a second time only about two years later, completely unprovoked. that time, after the moment of just 'being'. it took longer for me to recover from it. I had to go to the mirror to even remember if I was a boy or a girl. because I had no recollection at that moment what a girl or boy was supposed to mentally feel like. all I knew was that 'I am' 'I am me', and nothing else. again I felt like the room would collapse if I stopped believing I was in a room. all that was real, was me.
this would shape my understanding of God as the years passed by. though as an adult I have never had this experience again. I think its because as an adult, I have real responsibilities and goals for my life, where as when I was a child I lived day by day. moment to moment.
(im not athiest, obviously, but I wanted to post my personal experience on a different understanding of God not presented in the churches)
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