My experiences with finding love of God

Hello,

I wanna share some experiences I had when I was trying to find some love of God, I was in the Hare Krishna movement since the summer of 2006 and one day, when we were out in the streets, it was a Ratha Yatra, we were singing the names of God, Krishna, and we were with a 100 devotees out in the streets of Rotterdam, and we were singing the names of Krishna, and it was a parade with the Deities of Lord Jaganath, Subradha and Baladev, and we were in the city centre, and suddenly, as I was singing the names of Krishna, I was experiencing a wave of love, I was feeling like every man and woman was my brother and sister and i was feeling like I had found universal love, it lasted a 10 seconds or so, but i still cherish this experience.

It was in the summer of 2008.

But before that, in the months of October, November and December 2007, I had a terrible time, I locked myself up in the room of my house, my brother was still living in the living room downstairs and I was living in the room upstairs, and I was fried by the voices in my mind, I had to undergo severe punishment from the things i had done in previous lives, I think, and one day, on December 24th 2007 I was taking a shower and I heard the voices in my mind saying:

¨If you chant 32 rounds you will attain the love of God¨

But it was not very clear if I had to chant 32 or 64 rounds of Hare Krishna.

I somewhat went along with it, because I learned in Radhadesh that the highest obtainable was Madurya Rasa, that was the sweetest experience of Love of God, so I went along with it, I didn´t understand the whole package, but it is the love that Radha has for Krishna, so a bit femine, but I didn´t care, it was the highest form of love of God.

So I went to sit down on my meditation bolster which I still have now and I chanted, out loud and was very firm in my dedication to chant the necessary rounds, whether it be 32 or 64 rounds and it was going ok, but then.........I started to smoke cigarettes again a few weeks before, not much, just a cigarette every few days, very little, and one way or another, in the 14th round on December 24th 2007, I got suddenly a irresistable craving of going to smoke a cigarette, it was suddenly and an overwhelming desire, the desire was that strong that I stopped my chanting and went to my brother´s department downstairs to get a sigarette and smoked that cigarette, it was a very strong desire and I couldn´t resist it and I knew that I would fail the quest of getting love of God.

But in didn´t mind, I took my loss and i was thinking:

¨Fuck it, I will not be the father of Diane (which I thought i would the father of her)

So this was my first encounter with getting love of God, a complete failure, and it was desitined to be.

Not long after that, in 2012, I was having some real interactions with Weris, a village not far from Radhadesh and I even collected some stones I found there which I had in my house and placed them as dolmen and megalithic stones in my house,and one day, in my search for love of God, I placed ,my hands on these stones and asked the stones if they would guide me and they did! As I was placing my hands on the stones I got this realisation:

¨I was getting the vision of me going to a girly caste and I was symoblised by Hell Boy, the movie character, I was standing in front of the girly caste and I was breaking through the fences of that caste and I was getting acces to that, I was in the castle and I was a winner!¨

So this brought me to the desire to go to Weris in the summer of 2012, so I went there, with just a yoga mat to sleep on on the floor of the forest and nothing else, I went to the forest and choose a place where I could sleep and meditate, and I did, and it was a very rough night, there was thunder and lightning and there was rain, so i kept my clothes in a bag and put it underneath a stone. I was just sleeping in my boxershorts. When the rain and storm faded away in the next morning I went to the meditation stone in the forest and i decided to do some uyyaya pranayama and moolha banda and after I did that for half an hour, I finished my mystic meditation and walked back to the stone where I was sleeping and where ,my stuff was and while i was walking, I had the urge to feel my breasts, and I am a guy, but i felt an ecstatic feeling on my breasts, it felt like i was a woman, it was so ecstatic, you wouldn´t believe it, so because of this Hare Krishna experience I had in 2007, and the realisation of the girly castel, I thought that it was all good, and don´t get me wrong, I am not gay or so, but having the feeling of these breasts, I was still under the impression that I was doing well.

Anyway, I was ok with all of this and i walked to my camping spot in the forest and went to sleep, it was raining again and again there was thunder and lightning, but I persevered to stay there.

When I woke up the next day, I had a dream that i would be going back to Rotterdam and i couldn´t believe this dream since I had these cool realisations, so i wrote down my dream and went to the medtitation stone in the forest and as soon as I sat down on the stone, I heard a voice in my head, saying: ¨Om Narayan Namaha, Om Narayan Namaha¨ and I didn´t understood all of this, but I had good memories of the day before when I was doing this mystic pranayama (breathing exercises) and went on doing them, but after a few seconds i got thje feeling that I was doing it wrong, I had the feeling that I had to chant this mantra instead and skip the pranayama, suddenly I felt lost and forgotten and everything came to an end, I suddenly had the feeling that i failed everything and I had the desire to go home, back to Rotterdam.

So I did.

Mission failed.

But not too long after that, when I was in Rotterdam, I had the desire to go to Weris again to try to realise the girly caste and I did, I went back and i put my stuff again at the stone where i was previously sleeping and did my meditation on the meditation stone and nothing happened, so I was thinking that it would take a while, and the next day, when I took a shower, and that was washing myself with a bottle of water in the forest, I suddenly saw that there was a tick on my penis, I freaked out because i had to go back to Rotterdam to the doctor to get this tick out of my penis, so the mission failed again. And I aborted my mission and went back to Rotterdam, all my hopes were destroyed.

I am still trying to find love of God, but it is so freakin difficult, it is so difficult!

Cheers.

just take yesterday, I woke up with a dream telling me that a guy from Radhadesh (a hare Krishnma community) was working in a studio, he was doing some contruction work and I was very happy to see a Hare Krishna devotee putting his time and energy in this construction, later in the dream I found out that a Moroccan guy i know from my time in Rotterdam when I was growing up and the singer of my band, Lilith Moon, were als active in the construction of the Lilith Moon studio, so when i woke up I was having the impression that I could be getting love of God because that is intertwined with the succes of my band, I would make it to the world stage if I get famous with my band.

Anyway, later that day I was meditating and I got voices in my head saying that I should chant 32 rounds and maybe 64 rounds this week every day to get love of God, but I am so tired of all these commands, lately it is every day that I have to do this, I even have to fast for 7 days on water to make up the bad karma from the murders I commited in past lives, it is very tiresome, but I managed to make up for 4 murders and sexual abuses in past lives by fasting so that is good.

But I was under the impression.......seeing is believing......so first give me love and then I will delete songs from YouTube and Facebook because that is what the voices were asking from me and I am not stupid. I got pounded by voices telling me to delete stuff from Facebook and I was very rebelious against those voices but when I got out of my house and bought some beer and left the night shop, there was a guy behind me speaking to his telephone and he said:

¨Where are you now?¨

And I was under the impression that he was talking to me in his own way and I thought:

¨I am at the Pleinweg¨

and he said again to his telephone:

¨Are you going to make the change?¨

and I thought:

¨Screw you, I am not going to make the change¨

which I understood was a change of gender, from man to woman, because love of God seems to be feminine.

But then I got home and thought about all of this and the voices kept on pounding me saying I had to delete some photo albums of Celtic and Norse Gods and Goddesses, namely Thor, Odin, Freya, Brigid and Cernunnos from my Facebook albums, and at one time i thought, you know what, I will do that, maybe I will get love of God and get famous with my band, Lilith Moon.

So I deleted all of the photo albums, I had to delete also the photo´s I had on my back up flashdrive and the screenshots i took from a forum which doesn´t exist right now anymore, Mysticboard, and I did that too. I was under the impression I would get famous with my band. Anyway, I also had to delete all the songs I recorded on my Facebook page: ¨Cranial Orbitz¨ witch is a page I post all of my songs, and I cannot sing, but these songs are idea´s for the band. And I deleted all the songs from my Facebook page: ¨Lilith Moon - band¨ only the voices said i could leave Free as a Bird om the page, which is a song we recorded in June 2013.

I alslo had to delete a lot of stuff from my YouTube channel, and I did, and when I had done all of this, I sat down and began to chant Hare Krishna, and I was under the impression that now I did all of this I would recieve the love of God. Instead I heard a voice saying that it was not enough and I had to delete all the videos of the concerts I have been going to from 2016, and then I broke down, I thought:

¨Screw you, I am not going to do that¨

and I felt like I had been tricked, all these post on Facebook I had been deleting, all these videos and it was not enough!

I heard a voice in my head later saying:

¨you didn´t go all the way¨

but that was after i heard voices in my mind saying that I had to delete my YouTube channel (again) and that all, everything on internet, so also my Facebook, had to be deleted.

I got flashbacks to the time when I was also trying to get love of God and that they said in my head that I had to give up all online activity and that i even had to give up the internet connection from my provider at homke and even that I had to give up my social benefits and to give up my house and dissapear to another country to never be found again by my familyt and that I also had to leave my family and city.

This is how far they, the voices, want me to go and deleting things from Facebook and YouTube was just a beginning of a relentless play.

Well, if that is what it takes to get love of God, screw you, I think it will never happen, I think love of God is far out of my reach and that I will be staying a man forever, not that I think that is bad, I don´t want to be a girl.

So welcome to my daily life, my miserable life, this is going on for years now and it didn´t take me any step further except for the fact that I have now knowledge of how the world works.

Cheers.

Needless to say that I have uploaded all of the songs of my band, Lilith Moon, back on YouTube and some on my Facebook page and that I have uploaded all of the songs I wrote on my Facebook page, Cranial Orbitz. And that I have posted back some photo´s of Morrigan on my Facebook profile again, srew all this shit what has happened to me with no results!

Seeing is believing is my credo nowadays!

Oh, and I wrote in the story of Weris ¨girly caste" but it should be ¨girly castle¨

Sorry, English is not my mother language.

I was just lying in my bed and remembered two more experiences about all of this, the first experience is that I was living in Radhadesh, a Hare Krishna community in the Belgian Ardennes and I went to the morning program each and every day for months this was in 2006 - 2007 and one day, it was when I attended Guru Puja, the devotees are then singing a wonderful song, and I was suddenly having some weird symptons, I got goosebumbs on my arms, my voice choked so I couldn´t sing the song properly and tears were flowing from my eyes, this lasted a few minutes and it was every day!

i didn´t know what to think of it.

Then, on February 14th 2024 I was meditating from 18.34 to 19.04 and in this session I had inner visions of this:

¨I saw a very handsome girl in my third eye, but she was also complete, it is diificult to explain, I had the feeling that she belonged to me, that she was part of me. I felt how feminine she moved and I really liked this feeling. I was under the impression that she wanted to seperate herself from me, like she wanted to have a seperate existance outside of me. But she wanted to stay with me, I also had a strong feeling that we were one.

After a while she dissapeared and then I got to see a girl with a skin color as white a milk and black, long hair, she was lying on a stone, a stone bench. She looked at me and she had blood on her face, especially around her mouth. She looked at me and slowly opened up her mouth, wide open, with all this blood and she wanted to give me, with this, the message that she didn´t agree with what happened before with that girl.¨

I think there is some battle going on for my soul!

Oh, and I forgot to write that this last girl with all of this blood on het face, was very appealing to me and I found her, in her strange way, very attractive.,

I also remember that in the summer of 1999 I took the bus to Devprayag. The two head rivers that merge to form the river Ganga are Alaknanda and Bhagirathi. Alaknanda originates from the glacier of Satopanth and Bhagirathi originates from the glacier of Gangotri. The confluence of these two rivers is at Devprayag in Uttarakhand. I remember that I was walking back from that town to the road and that I was climbing the hills not to far from the bus station, I don´t know why I just didn´t took a bus back to Rishikesh, but ok, so I climbed a hill, it was at just becoming evening and the sun was setting and I climbed a hill and lied down on that hill, I lied my head down on a stone, and suddenly I got this feeling that I had no family anymore, I had no friends anymore, I was totally free, it was a wonderful feeling and it lasted about 30 seconds, but I felt very happy, you just won´t believe how happy I was, no attachments anymore, nothing!
Luckily after this experience I stopped a truck driver and he had to go to the direction I wanted to go, he would pass Rishikesh, so I could travel with this truck back to Rishikesh, and it costed me only 50 rupees, but I will never forget this experience.

When I just posted this on my Facebook profile, I did get emotional and some tears were about to flow from my eyes, but I stopped all of this.

Oh, and I have to say that with the no more family and no more friends thing, I also felt like I had no possessions anymore, I was totally free of all of this!

Oh, and to come back to the cigarette story, the desire to smoke a cigarette was so strong, I never, ever, had such a strong desire to smoke a cigarette, I guess it was so strong to deliberately make me fall of the path to God Consciousness, and when I meditated on all the times that I would reach the love of the universe, or God, I heard a voice in my mind, saying, not too long ago, on Tuesday March 11th at 22.42:

¨it wasn´t the right time yet¨

So when I heard that: ¨It wasn´t the right time yet¨I didn´t have any feeling because of it at that time, but now I understand that I have been going through all this hardship............for absolutely nothing!!!

So I was tricked in my quest of finding love of God!

And yesterday, I was doing my meditation and I suddenly heard, at 23.02:

¨The deal is still valid, two weeks of not watching television and going to bed before 00.00¨

And:

¨Don´t let yourself be fooled this time¨

But i know better now, it is again a trick to make a girl out of me, I think, and, although love of God might be something cool, I don´t wanna become a girl because love of God is so feminine.

This is what I have to endure each and every time, commands, assignements to do something and then see the results. So I am not follwing the voice in my head.