Recognising annoying traits in yourself

I have these personality traits of which I think it would be wonderful if everybody had them. And also traits that just piss me off and that almost everybody seems to have. When I recognise one of these negative traits in myself, I feel like I have discovered a rotten part of my soul. It's a very uncomfortable feeling.

How do you feel about this? Is it caused by an arrogantly held belief that "Other people do this, not me. I don't want to be somebody who ....."

I don't know why I placed this in philosophy or even in extended discussion. I'm sleepy and my thinking is impaired, so mods, I apologise if you feel that this is not the appropriate place for this thread. I know that none of you are nitpicky about this, or anything, but still..

Yeah it really annoys me if i discover i have a bad trait that annoyed me in other ppl. I would feel like "they made me feel terrible these ppl with these traits, and now i have one of them?? Nu uh b*tch, this aint stickin around"

My traits don't piss me off nor make me happy. The uncomfortable feeling arises when I think I'm wearing a mask and think that there is nothing under the mask. I have always thought I'm a pretty annoying human being to be around. (Also cold hearted, for sure :cackle:) But man, I love me!
:sunflower:

figurefly I don't know how to respond to you. Your response is like a completely wild and unexpected piece of data and it made me doubt my own views of the world. I will explain why I don't know how to respond, which, ironically, should make for a pretty good response. A disclaimer, I am more curious about you than worried for your well being and I hope you see this as curiosity and not a psychologist-like response. It may also be confusing.

*For people who are curious about how I formed this opinion, we've been PMing each other.* You seem like a person who doesn't take herself too seriously, doesn't care about others' opinion of her, but can enjoy the company of other people. But only if they are interesting people who live less like zombies that the majority of the population. *Please note that I say "less", and not "not at all like zombies"* You don't seem like the kind of person who would do others harm for your own sake. *At least not excessively, I often enjoy making jokes for the sake of laughs, mainly my own and especially when it hits people in their fragile places. But this sadism of mine doesn't go beyond this mild form, according to my memory.*

"nothing under the mask" Does that mean that you are pretending to care, that you are pretending to have emotions? What is the thing going on in your head that makes you think that you are wearing a mask and there is nothing inside?

And why do you call yourself cold hearted? Is this a reference to me calling you cold hearted because you never liked cuddling stuffed animals or humans? *click me to read it* Or are there other things? Not into romance + not into cuddling/any kind of touching = NOT cold hearted. Or is it? You see, this is where the problem is. Thanks to you, I don't even know what it means to be cold hearted. I mean, you can be a murdering psychopath but still feel warm and fuzzy when you give your daughter a hug, right? Does that make you warm hearted? If it does, does it mean that cold hearted is just a fairly irrelevant personality trait like "I enjoy both classical music and metal", or, "I like chocolate more than vanilla"?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by figurefly

But man, I love me!

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There it is! You are cold hearted but you enjoy yourself? Some people's definition of cold heartedness is to have no joy.

You see where I'm coming from? I hope that you, or anyone else reading this, will understand my confusion, join me in my curiosity and come up with something interesting. Instead of just being confused by this post.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ginsan

"nothing under the mask" Does that mean that you are pretending to care, that you are pretending to have emotions? What is the thing going on in your head that makes you think that you are wearing a mask and there is nothing inside?

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I'll try to do my best explaining, it's hard. Hard to think, harder to write. If I were to visit a psychiatrist, he/she would say, I'm thinking/acting the way I do because I'm experiencing "derealization/depersonalization" (I'm only mentioning mental disorders in order to make it easier for you to understand what's going inside my mind.) I do "feel", I do have "emotions" and I'm not always pretending to have them. But the fact that I can "feel" doesn't make me less confused about my own identity. My feelings are detached from me. I can easily change them, manipulate them or destroy them. Let's say a very bad thing has happened. I find myself literally looking forward to going to my room, turning off the lights and crying. What has happened is not important for more than a few seconds. All I care about is my emotional response. So I go to my room, turn off the lights (still excited to cry) but then it's gone. I can't. Trying to focus on what has happened, makes things worse. My chest fills up with an empty feeling and my eyes look blank. So I just sit and wait until I get very sleepy, doing nothing but listening to music and thinking about the uneasiness+emptiness I have.

I don't believe I could ever say and actually mean "figurefly is...figurefly likes...figurefly thinks...figurefly feels like..." How can one say that she thinks/feels like blah blah if she's able to think/feel/like/be anything, anytime.

I don't understand and I'm just watching, my confusion is growing. I don't want to sound like I'm suffering, I'm not. When I open my mouth and try to explain what's going on in my brain, people switch into giving advice mode because they think I'm calling for help, plus I sound like I enjoy self-pity. People tend to see black and white.

Calling myself cold hearted was a reference to our stuffed animal conversation. I don't know what "cold hearted truly means". And I don't know if language has ever been enough to get a point across. Also, "I love me!" (or literally any sentence I build including this one, don't mean much, they're just written, thought or said.)

My own words deceive me, my eyes do that too.
Here's one last sentence and it's the closest to true,
I'm tired, I must think through, I'm tired, I must think through...

"I don't understand and I'm just watching, my confusion is growing. I don't want to sound like I'm suffering, I'm not. When I open my mouth and try to explain what's going on in my brain, people switch into giving advice mode because they think I'm calling for help, plus I sound like I enjoy self-pity. People tend to see black and white."

I confess. I hope I remember this, so I don't automatically go into advice giving mode whenever somebody talks about things that MIGHT be unpleasant. I may be one of those people that see things as black and white. <-- That sentence may itself be a symptom, because maybe I see some things in detailed shades of many colors and only some things in black and white. I think I understand where you're coming from, though. It feels condescending when people try to help me, as if they think they know better, and they're trying to get me to their level of life-fulfullment. And it's liberating when people either say nothing, or say something interesting about it, without trying to help, but to use what I said to have an interesting conversation.

I'll think about what you said for a while. It's very interesting when people are clearly interested in what goes on in the depths of their personality and are trying to convey it. A response similiar to this wouldn't surprise me: "I don't know if I have a personality, I can change my thoughts/feelings/intentions any time I want."

You remind me of my trips on mushrooms. Words just fail... They are just not enough. I would write things down so my sober-self could learn something, but it's hard. Even explaining things to myself is hard, which is pretty easy compared to explaining things to others.

@figurefly Can you like summon happiness feelings, any kind of it, like now? Or any time? Does it change anything, or is it truly that it's the goals that keep us happy, not the end result of happiness??

That's a tricky question, Louia, given that philosophers for thousands of years have been trying to figure it out, I wouldn't expect a sensible answer from figurefly. Other than her opinion, which probably won't have much value for anyone else.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ginsan

That's a tricky question, Louia, given that philosophers for thousands of years have been trying to figure it out, I wouldn't expect a sensible answer from figurefly. Other than her opinion, which probably won't have much value for anyone else.

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errrrr you might be right :cheeky:

:lol:


edit: Oh no! Louia, I just realised I was being a bit silly. :silly: I still stand by what I said, when I shot down this sentence: "it's the goals that keep us happy, not the end result of happiness??", in a needlessly elaborate way. But I ignored the first half of your question! :nono: Can figurefly summon happiness whenever she feels like? I'm also curious about that, but my silliness made me forget that part of your post.

Spoiler for I deserve some of this.:

:bslap::voodoo::bslap::voodoo::takethatfoo:

Nope I can't summon happiness nor sadness when I want to. This kind of an attempt would do nothing but make me feel number and emptier. I can always control, change how I feel but it works more like "neutralizing". Like I'm watching myself from the 3rd perspective in a sad situation, the sadness is gone instantly (I'm sad for less than a milisecond probably) replaced with emptiness+confusement. It is not intended. Just happens and spoils everything so it can be bad. I don't even get angry. When I find myself in a situation in which anger/shouting is the normal response, I act. And most of the time, I end up laughing in the middle of my acting performance, laughing at myself. So this means I replace anger with joy? People might be thinking I'm crazy and dangerous. :cackle:

Louai, I wanted to give my opinion on your second question. But I can't. Because I'm having trouble understanding why happiness is either the destination or the road itself and why it is "good". Then I'll have to ask myself why "good" is, err you know, "good". Questions like this make me feel like throwing up because of the discomfort they cause.

"When I find myself in a situation in which anger/shouting is the normal response, I act. And most of the time, I end up laughing in the middle of my acting performance, laughing at myself. So this means I replace anger with joy? People might be thinking I'm crazy and dangerous.:cackle:"

That's really funny xD

Spoiler for RAMBLING ALERT:

"Normal"... I wish I could completely get rid of my tendency to be normal. Spending 700 euro's on the newest phone while your old one is still working, while you can buy an absolutely beautiful phone for 200 euro's, while people are starving and dying, getting sick and receiving poor nutrition and poor education all over the world by the millions, is considered completely normal. But when somebody does something impolite or inappropriate it's considered a bad thing to do. People will lower their brows and gossip about you, talk about what an inappropriate person you are, for the silliest things. It's considered not only normal but morally good to care much more about your own people (family/friends/country/whatever) than other people. When you go to school, listen to your parents like a good boy, finish a high education, get a job with a high salary, buy a big expensive house, get married, buy a fancy car, raise children, go on nice vacations, it's completely normal for you to think that you're leading the perfect life. Please note that this kind of life is completely worthless, if this really the best there is, I'd rather die right now. What's missing? Hmmm... Curiosity? Finding out what is true? Peace of mind? Warm-heartedness? Sense of humor? Friendship? Altruism? What does that mean? It means caring for people outside of your own tiny circle. What else? Enjoying life? All those things are considered secondary. Making money and being appropriate, fitting in, is what really matters. When people are full of shit, it's considered bad to confront their misunderstandings, even though they are full of shit. When you do drugs, people think that either your life has gone, or will go, to shit.

This is what I mean by recognising annoying traits in myself. I see everyone being so freakin' greedy, narrow-minded and self-interested, it disgusts me, and the sting happens when I realise that I am almost as greedy, narrow-minded and self-interested as anyone else.

figurefly, you seem to be describing exactly the skill I practice when meditating. When some thought or feeling comes up, usually you get caught up in it. For example when anger arises you keep strengthening it by repeating why you are angry and you only make it worse. But by looking at yourself objectively, you just observe the thing and watch it fade away. Somebody described it as looking a fire get weaker and weaker, instead of feeding it. This neutralizes unpleasant feelings, but also pleasure. I find this a pleasant way to be. You simply don't really care about what happens to you, it's all good, and your peace of mind never goes away. But only if I meditate properly. If I stop practicing, I will get caught up in whatever thought or feeling comes crashing into my consciousness.

""Normal"... I wish I could completely get rid of my tendency to be normal. Spending 700 euro's on the newest phone while your old one is still working, while you can buy an absolutely beautiful phone for 200 euro's, while people are starving and dying, getting sick and receiving poor nutrition and poor education all over the world by the millions, is considered completely normal. But when somebody does something impolite or inappropriate it's considered a bad thing to do. People will lower their brows and gossip about you, talk about what an inappropriate person you are, for the silliest things. It's considered not only normal but morally good to care much more about your own people (family/friends/country/whatever) than other people. When you go to school, listen to your parents like a good boy, finish a high education, get a job with a high salary, buy a big expensive house, get married, buy a fancy car, raise children, go on nice vacations, it's completely normal for you to think that you're leading the perfect life. Please note that this kind of life is completely worthless, if this really the best there is, I'd rather die right now. What's missing? Hmmm... Curiosity? Finding out what is true? Peace of mind? Warm-heartedness? Sense of humor? Friendship? Altruism? What does that mean? It means caring for people outside of your own tiny circle. What else? Enjoying life? All those things are considered secondary. Making money and being appropriate, fitting in, is what really matters. When people are full of shit, it's considered bad to confront their misunderstandings, even though they are full of shit. When you do drugs, people think that either your life has gone, or will go, to shit."

This is so true.Everyone just goes with the flow. I don't think it's cuz they're stupid, but rather bcz ppl like the idea that they have their lives figured out. It's nice to think you know how to be happy, and given HOW being happy isn't very spread, common ppl fear inside that if they truly realize this norm isn't a way of life, that they'll have no other alternative to follow, and they'll fall into a void.

We all go through this, even if only temporarily during our lives.
(hope i'm not full of shit here :chuckle:)


Also yeah, what figurefly described is kinda similar to mindfulness, were you observe non-judgmentally, neutrally.
I do mindfulness meditation too, and not just practice mindfulness in a meditation format, but also just give myself random moments of mindfulness during the day.

I recognize many traits in myself I don't like. I feel (to myself) like an unkind, uncaring, cruel and cold, hateful, violent, vicious, and arrogant person. The strange thing is, nobody that knows me would describe me that way, because people that have these qualities I usually (unsurprisingly) hate and feel disgust for. So, because I dislike these qualities, most people never know the many feelings and thoughts that go on below the surface, because I act nice and respectful toward pretty much everyone. My behavior is pretty much completely ruled by how I view these traits in my personality, because otherwise I'd be an evil dickweed asshole. I have no desire to be an evil dickweed asshole, because evil dickweed assholes are evil dickweed assholes. They piss me off. Thus, I change who I am after the fact and act nice and respectful.

I've been doing well not really doing any drugs anymore, but back when I used to, the core personality would shine through. Somehow, not on alcohol, but the few times I tried benzo's (god i hate benzo's) it was pretty bad. Apparently one time I called a friend when I was walking around a college campus (I don't remember this) and I was yelling at people passing by the entire time, telling them to go fuck themselves. Including campus police. He told me he said, "maybe you shouldn't yell at the cops man", to which I apparently responded, "no man, fuck them. fuck you, you fucking cunt faggot, yeah you're a fuckin bitch, you fuck [yelling at a campus cop]!". Man, I'm glad I hate benzo's, because I only learned of this call 3 years after the fact, and have no idea how I wasn't picked up in a squad car or something. <_<

snoop, do you think that those tendencies will ever get watered down sufficiently for you not to have to fake being a friendly guy? I said fake because the sentence would get too long, but "faking" is not actually the term I would use. It's like the friendly parts of you are slightly stronger than the evil dickweed asshole parts of you, preventing the evil dickweed asshole parts to control your behavior.

Warning, corniness ahead. We're all in a similar situation to you, snoop, I think. I mean... Everybody has things about them they wouldn't want to tell anyone about and wish that they didn't have. But from personal experience I feel like I can change, and I do change, little by little. My personality is quite fluid. I doubt that most people have a fixed personality, no matter what kind of a person she is and no matter what the age. I don't have any arguments for this, I say this just from personal experience, and my false conviction of the truth of this is caused by my gut feeling. Meaning, I may very well be full of shit.

With the changes I've been making in my life, like quitting drug abuse, seeking proper treatment with a psychiatrist, being open to trying new medication, and getting into a relationship (never been in a serious one before, the last time I went out with a girl was in 7th grade, and she asked me out and dumped me a week later because she thought i was using her to get other girls--im guessing i just really sucked at being a boyfriend then because i didn't have a clue what to do lol). Slowly these conscious decisions I've been making are actually starting to happen on their own. I still do not feel in my heart that it is genuine, and don't know if it ever will be. It still feels like I have either no emotions or just shells of emotions. However, I would be totally happy with having the good tendencies happening automatically on their own, even if I still have the blunted affect. It's been about 3 years of me trying to change my behavior so far, and at first it seemed like I'd be "faking" forever, but here in the last few months I feel I've actually made some legitimate head way. Again, it's coming slowly, but now I see that it is coming surely as well. That alone is enough to inspire some hope.

edit: For what it's worth, after getting an MRI and a reading of it about a year ago, it appears I have a lesion in my right cerebral hemisphere and also a 4mm tumor on the right aspect of my pituitary gland. The lesion is actually fairly common as far as lesions go and doesn't seem to be causing any problems. The tumor on the other hand might be. The tumor has a very little chance of being cancerous (if it were, it'd be some type of leukemia or a few others), but it is very likely that it could be secreting hormones, which, of course, would lead to hormonal imbalance. I have to get a certain blood test done to be able to see what hormone(s) it is secreting, as it could be a great number of them and they all carry with them a vast array of symptoms. However, about 3 different ones I've read about seemed to fit my issues alright. And then there's also the fact I got a concussion when I got hit in the head with a discus my 8th grade year. So there are a few things that even physically present a case for my ailments, on top of environmental and situational factors. All in all, it sounds treatable to me. Or, at least I am capable of progress. Only time will tell I suppose.