Living Without Unconsciousness: My 25-Year Experience of Conscious Sleep

Hello everyone,

I want to share something that I've been grappling with for a long time. Over the years, I've tried to discuss this in real life, but I don't think anyone has truly understood what it means to me. I hope that by sharing it here, among others interested in lucid dreaming, I might find some understanding or insights.

So let's jump right in.

For almost 25 years now, I haven't really experienced what most people consider normal sleep. Let me explain: I'm 47 years old, and for the past 25+ years, I very rarely lose consciousness when I sleep. Instead, I remain in a state of awareness throughout the night.

I've come to distinguish between several states:

• Sleep: The complete loss of consciousness that most people experience.
• Resting with Consciousness: Being physically at rest while maintaining awareness.
• Dreaming: Experiencing dreams without control or awareness.
• Lucid Dreaming: Being aware that you're dreaming, with varying levels of control.

For me, normal sleep (the complete loss of consciousness) is extremely rare and only occurs when I'm very sick or utterly exhausted.

Most nights, I engage in what I call "resting with consciousness," which borders on lucid dreaming. I have developed an extremely vivid imagination, and each time I go to "sleep," I close my eyes and start to think without stopping. I visualize problems, run through scenarios, and create elaborate mental landscapes. Because of my ability to visualize so vividly, I can be "there" in these imagined scenarios.

However, I don't consider this true lucid dreaming. While it can be extremely vivid, my definition of lucid dreaming is an experience indistinguishable from reality, with total control and full awareness.

To clarify this very important distinction:

Such profound lucid dreams have happened to me rarely (about four times in my life) and they've been life-changing experiences.

The most notable was what I call the "Void Incident."

One night, I found myself in a desert town reminiscent of the Old West. Instinctively, I realized I was dreaming

- there was no doubt about it. I was engaged in a duel with one of my own "creations." Over the years, I've built a very consistent personal universe in my mind, and some of the characters I've created are not happy with how I use them (yes, I realize I might have some issues).

Anyway, a fight ensued, very much like something out of The Matrix. I vividly remember thinking how incredibly cool it was and even pushed the boundaries of control with great success.

However, this projection (this non-player character in my dream) was resisting my control, using my own mind against me. Bit by bit, I began to lose control and ultimately lost the fight. The lucid dream shifted into a lucid nightmare.

Over the years, I've developed a mental mechanism to banish unwanted thoughts or constructs that intrude upon my mind. I created a persona called The Slayer (inspired by Baldur's Gate II), which is essentially a slashing blade that obliterates unwanted mental constructs. This usually works.

But in this instance, I was losing the fight. Fully aware that I was dreaming, and with the dream as vivid as reality, I became very angry. I screamed that this was my universe, that this was just one of my creations, and that I would not be controlled. I forcefully tried to assert dominance and evoked the Slayer, attacking the protagonist with extreme force.

And then I ripped my dream (my reality) apart.

I found myself in the void: pure nothingness. There was no sensation of a body, no visuals, no sound (nothing). Just an overwhelming feeling of being dissolved. It was horrifying to the extreme, beyond any terror I've ever known.

I knew I was dreaming but couldn't wake up. So I did the only thing I could think of: I tried to visualize myself lying in my bed, focusing on remembering the feeling of my body. Bit by bit, with constant struggle, I managed to succeed and gradually woke up.

Since that night, my entire perspective on spirituality, religion, and the nature of reality has shifted. It changed me deeply.

And this is just one of many experiences I've had.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I've shared this with many people over the years, but very few, if any, truly understand. Most think I'm exaggerating or don't take it seriously. Some are vaguely interested since I'm quite the storyteller, but they don't grasp the depth of what I'm conveying.

This is my truth.

I'd love to hear your thoughts or if anyone has had similar experiences.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

I know of two people who seem to rest with consciousness as you do, however, not as much as you confess to.
One is a child who has FASD. He is a very light sleeper and seems to hear and understand what's going on around him even though he appears asleep. He can recount what he heard that went on around him once he gets up in the morning. What he can't remember are his dreams.
Another is a young lady who suffered severe abuse as a child. She believes she is locked in a perpetual state of high alert, even when sleeping, and doesn't often fall fully asleep. Even if she sleeps deeply enough to actually dream, her dreams are echoes of what is going on in the waking environment. She hates it and wishes for the fantastical dreams that others have. She used a fitbit to monitor her sleep stats and found she hardly ever went into deep sleep or rem. She was a co-worker. I haven't seen her since I moved on from that job. I wonder if she has found true dreams yet.
Also want to add, these two people are very wonderful, two of the sweetest people I have ever met.

I don't know if any of this helps, or if you even consider it similar to what you explained. I just thought I'd comment. Two people I know of who often rest with consciousness, (who also are fascinating to me) seem to have neurodevelopmental disorders. I am not saying that you do, just that the two I know have differently abled brains.