Horrible lucid "nightmares". Losing control...
I have been reading about and practicing lucid dreaming ever since I was 12 or 13. Because before then every once in awhile I'd have these dreams that seemed like a movie, and I couldn't describe them. I wanted them to happen more often, and upon asking an uncle randomly one day, he said it was called "lucid dreaming" and gave me a book about it.
The trouble is that more often than not, my dreams touch on the more negative aspects of humanity, or almost like a parallel backwards messed up world.
But recently, I have been lucid dreaming, and all of a sudden I lose total control. Last night in the middle of my perfectly fine dream about laying in my room with a new kitten id gotten, everything went cold. Someone knocked on my door and I decided to answer it. That was the last decision I made. It was my abusive ex boyfriend who for the first time made an appearance in my dreams. We broke up about a year ago this month.
He had this stare, this static about him, and I could feel this black fog with tendrils come from behind him and envelope me. This part of the dream went in slow motion, and in real life I felt myself sweating and my stomach cramping. Then, I was gone. I followed him like a dog to a treat.
All of a sudden, my brand new husband and the father of my soon to be baby was a joke, and was like something I had done all while waiting for my ex to come back in this very fashion. He took me in my room and for the first time I cheated on my husband...but I didn't want to. That was part of his abusive nature.
So now I'm 6 months pregnant and I'm having a lucid rape dream I have lost control of.
After awhile he takes me out of the house, past all these cops yelling at a kid for something dumb like spray painting, and for some reason there was dog poop all over the grass, and my ex boyfriend was driving a cop car but it was super tall for some reason. Hard to explain.
I kept saying I wanted to go back home, I kept trying to run away, but he lifted me up into the truck and there were no door handles and when I started banging on the window because I saw my new husband getting out of his car coming home from work, he throttled me and hit my stomach hard. He started making fun of me for being pregnant and being verbally abusive, saying all the things I never thought I'd have to hear again. Then he injected me with drugs and I couldn't escape. I woke up vomiting and inconsolable.
I have never had a figure come into my dream and TAKE IT AWAY. I have had lucid nightmares, bad situations, etc, but I could always work my way out or through them. But this was a negative, evil, manifestation who came out of nowhere and raped and kidnaped me away from everything I loved and the healthy life I had built.
I CANNOT have this happen again. He has never been in a single dream of mine, even when we were still together.
It was really scary. I am never scared. My foundation was totally shook. The thing that keeps on repeating in my recall of the dream is my hands getting bloodier and bloodier, my voice getting hoarse, from me screaming trying to get out of the car. And the feeling of my soul being sucked from me when he injected me with some type of drug, and realizing my life was over and I was his play thing again. And the worst realization that I had never escaped. I thought I had started my life over and moved on from him, but he would always take away my happiness.
This has really ruined my day, and honestly I don't ever want to go to sleep again. It may not sound like the worst nightmare ever, but I can't shake that feeling of my soul dropping out, and everything I love going away. And the realization that some people really are evil, and how lucky I am to have gotten away after 4 or 5 years.
It's just brought up so many feelings. I've lived most of my life since then numb, and I never cried about what happened or felt sad. But that dream was comprised of nothing but the fear and terror of everytime i was choked out, or every time if get beaten in front of his friends and begging someone to make him stop but nobody would. Just total helplessness and terror.
He is like the one representation of something I can't control - bad things happening.
I'm petrified he's going to barge into another one of my dreams. But how can I sleep without lucid dreaming!?!! Help???? I'm too pregnant to be this stressed out.
