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Just express, it will at least be heard. You don't need to be positive.
Let it all out, logical or not, anger at the stupid man that did that or the clawing desperation that your life has become.
This thread to be a collage of the most painful memoirs.
Thank you for sharing.
Ok, so I might as well post, even though I told myself I wasn't going to for at least a while until the hopeful collage was going, but meh. Expression is what this thread is about, partially attention, mostly venting.
Fuck my life. :)
My parents are splitting up. They are moving around in planes quite frequently without notifying me of what's going on. Dad is running away, mum is running after, or some bullshit like that.
My sister is bitchy and not understanding of anything but herself, including her annoying boyfriend. She needs to buy her own hairspray, mine seems to be gone every few days, requiring more and more of my money spent that is sometimes not even being gained.
My brother blames me for our parents leaving, it makes me very angry, pissed off that he can find time to say shit to me to only justify his own position.
They all are leaving. I have choices that I don't want. I see whatever direction I got over my "suicidal phase" for being non-existent.
I am fighting with my mum. She swore at me and I told her to fuck off. She has been quite suicidal lately and it pains me and angers me at the same time. She said she would 'fuck off'. Two months ago she meant the world to me, as of four days ago she's more baggage I hope hurts when I die.
I am stuck in a place, between intangible and here/there/something.
Halfheartedly seeking something at the same time as being it. Watching.
I quit my job. It was shit and meaningless. I want to run out of money, out of my dwindling savings and I want to just starve until I die, or run away and kill myself by jumping in front of a car or off of the bridge down the road into the groggy green duck shit water and breathe it in. Something personally dramatic, just not spectacular enough to be so tragic that it would achieve newsworthiness.
Whatever.
I clench my teeth often, just to feel the ache and saliva build-up, somehow representing how I feel so tense.
I might try to get over myself, but that seems to have failed for the last two years. Progress in the making, not quite anywhere further yet but at least more circles of anaemic experience.
Thoughts and words, I don't even have the spirit to continue my nightly drinking streak. I eat packet noodles because my mother does not want to cook nor clean, nor give a fuck about anything except my father, even at the expense of our relationship. So much for meaning in loving her, unrequited. I'm not going to re-read what little I've written, it doesn't even scratch the surface.
Don't make this thread about me. Just continue the collage.
Perhaps it should be moved to Help to avoid sarcastic comments, and encourage expression and support for the posters.
Anyway, Sorry to hear about that cloud. Your brother sounds like a real ass, I would probably kick his ass if my brother said something like that to me. You're a better man than I.
Is that your son cloud?
I am out of work, and have been for a while. bills are piling up. my son lives 3500 miles away and I cannot afford to either visit him or fly them out here like I usually do.
I wanted them to come out for t-day, pretty sure that isnt going to happen.
Winter is always slower than the summer and it is just around the corner.
If I dont get a good chunk of work in pretty quick I am looking at a tough time come christmas.
Oh no-no, that's me, I'm 18 and my life is bottoms up. Alcoholic pun intended.
I'll be moderating this thread myself.
I'll try my problems i'm having today.
My mom keeps sending me letters in the mail, telling me of her updates. I am getting annoyed by this, i have ignored her the past 13 years of my life, get a hint already! she said to my dad on the phone that she will keep doing this as long as it takes...i am never talking to her or writing her ever again, i'm trying to make her out of my life, but she is making it so fuckin hard!
My sister seems to have stopped talking to me for the past year, and phoning me...but she is turning into my mom. But i did talk to her on facebook and say happy 28th birthday, but she said she will give me her address and stuff and she expects presants....she has not given me any in atleast 7 years....It's not about the gifts, know what i mean?
I'm tired of being single! it's been 25 years now that i have been single but it's my fault. I've had SOOOOO many chances from women into me, i just never do anything...i let it go, then start regretting i did, but the next time i will just do it all over again. I'm not desperate to get one online.
My life is taking me nowhere! i am not saying i choose a wrong direction in life but everyone else in my family is smart, even other generations down the list...i get the shaft. I know my role in life, but there is no future in it anywhere. I am pretty much a bum!
I have a good dad but he smoothers me. It's his house but i can't even fight with him and he threatens me he will kick me out, but i am so stupid i doubt i can even live on my own...i have no free will either, everything has been stripped from me, even my choices. It also seems like i am wanting him to deny what i wanna do, it's that bad.
My work...while i am always one to insult people as we all trash talk eachother, people are taking it way too far. Hell sometimes i even get physically abused and all i do is laugh loudly... I'm trying to say "life is short, let it slide", but at what point are you to do something about it. I'm no longer what i used to be, and i feel like i don't even wanna go down that path anymore. My respect for people is really at an all time low.
I donate to charity every year but it does not make me feel any different, it does not make me feel good or bad. I don't feel anything.
I wanna change who i am, but it's so fuckin hard! i am so lazy, and can't get motivated, and even when i am it barely lasts. I have way WAY too many issues in real life it's pointless even trying to start because giving up is what i am the best at. I'm not good at anything i ever do, so i give up and face facts knowing my whole life i am going to be a loser.
I'm still seeing my cat in my arms sometimes with his lifeless body when he was put down in June thinking "holy shit!". I'm not seeing much of my dog, but she is my desktop backround so i always see what she looks like. Atleast my dog got a full life of 15 and a half years, my cat was four....FOUR!
If you ever met me in real life, you will just say i am a normal guy who is always happy because i rarely ever let any of those other emotions out. But that is far from the truth.... I might keep editing this when more thoughts come to me, i know there is more but it's not always all at once.
I was depressed last week but I'm not anymore. But the things I was depressed about are still there. If I get depressed next week maybe I will come back in here! :)
same rules as jake
my sister's a bitch, just because she likes being controlling. fitting to pair that with my obsession with being a nosey bastard.
I think I'm starving myself. Using vegetarianism as a way to get myself to eat less. I'll get back to you when I figure out what the point of this is.
I'm either paranoid, or have trust issues. Or maybe I just don't have anything to trust anyone with.
I stopped my girlfriend from going all the way on Halloween. Felt pretty shitty hearing her crying later on.
pretty shitty indeed
so yeah, depression/blargh
blargh blargh blargh.
maybe the worst part is knowing that it's all just teenage mood swings and I'll feel better later on. sincerity at it's best.
faking emotions, at this point
bump
I'm writing a report on Suicides and Depression.
It's quite sad to hear the reasons why people kill themselves :(
Edit: Also, I'm depressed. I usually become very depressed when I feel like I have nothing to do, then I feel like I'm wasting my life away.
And one more thing, I think I'm going to ask this girl out to the movies sometime.
Edit 2: I didn't really contribute much to this thread...but if you see a depressed person! Say "Hi" to them every once and a while. They really like that. I would know :3
I'm just sad all the time
I fight and fight and fight, but I always fight on my side against myself. I am torn between feelings of immense compassion for those that are misfortune's legion and fantasies of being a sniper slaying mobsters from high places. I am fascinated at the prospect of hunting the most dangerous game and having it hunt me in return. The excitement and fear I would feel would be fill the void of what my life has lacked.
I am nowhere near being a psychopath, my only issue being but a symptom to actually being a psychopath. I've got the insatiable thirst for adventure that will consume me if I don't feed it something else. A clear sign of this being that my bus hit a car last week (not seriously, but scraped against it) and I felt excited at being able to watch two inflamed humans go at it. This is why I am feeling more and more stressed as time goes by and I don't find a hobby I feel emotionally connected to.
One of the problems is that I have trouble socializing and becoming engaged in regular exciting teenage male activities. Thus, I am deprived and left wanting more. Thinking is great, but living inside one's head day in day out makes the mind wander to dark depths.
I'm a scardy pants when it comes to talking to girls. I'm currently trying to ask a random girl out and I'm not doing to well...
Therefore, I am sad.
CONFIDENCE!
http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u...confidence.gif
Wait a second...
I apologise that I did not make it clearer, but this is not a help thread.
This thread is rather the opposite, if you would like to 'help' people out in regard to their problems, please PM them.
As for those responses towards my post, I will make my situation perhaps clearer in this post. My unnecessary justification for self pity.
I have very recently given up what money I have left to my mother. She will be using it for investment in Thailand, and I really do hope it gains some of her attention and love for what I anticipate to be the last months with her. I consider that I will either die in a number of senses or move to Korea by halfway next year.
I am trafficking illicit substances now to make enough money to survive, to pay the way for me to travel to Korea and start another emptiness or to crash and burn. Right now I don't care if I go to jail. I don't care if I die. I don't care if I succeed.
Thought about taking on the world. Killing anyone who tried to stop me and then dying with laughter. Permeated by gunfire. Would I do it? I'm not that far-gone yet. Maybe if it was forced upon me, I have such a low tolerance of authority.
Excited about further learning Korean language. Understanding almost all vowels and consonants okay now. Anxious, scared at the the thought of moving. Thoughts of not being accepted.
Choking in my throat with this music. I imagine tears streaming down, I refuse to let them come. What if someone walked in, I would not be able to go back.
Nice music. Piano.
I'm depressed because you guys are depressed.
Seriously cheer up! :D You still have good health. You could have Gillian's Burea or something. Then life would REALLY suck.
I am depressed because i haven't had sex in so long. Every woman i am attracted to has a bf or is married. I hate it when guys brag to me about their lovers. i don't fucking care about your orgies dude. FUCK OFF.
What depresses me more is that these women don't know what they are missing. I have so much repressed sexual energy building up, who ever takes me will have the fuck of their life.
I am sad my Pens lost tonight to the SanJose Sharks. 5-0! :(
Especially for Gillian. He needs his bureau.Quote:
Originally Posted by HaRd_WiReD
(Guillain-Barré)
I know I'm depressed because I've been taking Lexapro for about a year now. Well, maybe two years, I'm not sure. I'm much better than I used to be, but it's not like I'm back to normal again. I don't feel much excitement. There's nobody exciting here and nothing exciting to do. It's gotten to the point where I've got my heart set on trying marijuana or LSD, because I am SO SICK of trying to assure myself that my meds are doing a little something, or that if I keep practicing lucid dreaming, I might have a great, life-changing experience. I finally want some REAL RESULTS, IMMEDIATELY.
I'm sick of everyone around me fighting and being stressed 24/7. There must be no happiness in this world. I am tired of being so alone, I have one friend, but even he dislikes me now. I'm sick of every day being the same. I wish something would happen soon.
(((((hugs everyone here)))))
I'm sick of being wishy-washy and unable to commit. I either need to stop smoking and get back with my Congregation or stop dreading doing so already. I need to either clean WITH my kids or let the State take them. I can't do it on my own and they apparently will never be motivated to do it without me holding the figurative whip in one hand the whole time.
I need to accept my marriage as it is or divorce my hubby and go live out on the streets.
Instead, I hate the things I have, refuse to commit to another path and hate myself for not doing more. So, I hide in my "room" and sleep more often than not.
Dreams are so much better than reality.
Stories like http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/articl...MNR41ACRGU.DTL also depress the hell out of me. Places like that still exist in the freagin US? What's wrong with those people?!
I've stopped taking all my meds for temporary "clarity" of mind. I seem to be doing better but as soon as the cataplexia sets in I'll realize I screwed up and start taking them again. Again, I can't commit. My psychiatrist prescribed Abilify in addition to Celexa and Strattera but it costs $124. a month so I told the pharmacist to forget it.
And brain dead me reasons: If I can't take them all, then I just wont take anything. Grow a brain already, self! Something is better than nothing, idiot!
My life suxorz.
God decided to make me one night out of shit from his trashcan during a long good-old fashioned clambake. I was born in an old, shitty hospital after having been deined access to a more modern hospital under construction that was being saved for "real emergencies" like ninety-year old hypochondriacs who come to the ER to have a $70 blood pressure check. I was a rather fat baby. When I popped out, I hit the ground so hard that a local seismograph registered a small earthquake. When the doctor saw me for the first time, he promptly slapped both my parents in the face so hard, their scars are visible today. At that years thanksgiving, I spent five minutes in the oven after having been mistaken for the large turkey my family had purchased.
Natch, in elementary school, I was never an ordinary child. I was short, fat, and ass-ugly. Today, at least I'm no longer short. Because I never fit through the school bus door, I was often greased up and layed sideways in front of the bus to be rolled all the way to school. At school, I never proved to be poular. Fortunately for me, I discovered I had the superpower of invisibility. This proved to be a significant impediment for finding friends. Kids ignored me, family ignored me, hell...I had to repeat first grade because the teacher never noticed me when taking roll in the morning.
Being the fat insignificant thing I was, when people actually did see me, I never was treated too well. Kids left me out of their games almost every day. The extent of my sports experience as a child was getting called over to fetch the ball out of old Mrs. Henderson's yard...the same old Mrs. Henderson who liked to throw mushy old tomatoes at kids who walked through her yard. I was also asked to be scorekeeper for certain games, but even then I would later find out that they set me up and would pick someone who was less of a nerd than I was to keep score, which proved to be a difficult task wherever I stood. Physical bullying was prevalent as well. A popular stunt for the little league players was to hit me with baseball bats. When I yelled for the teachers, they ran over and joined in. If I came across a bully in the hallway, I made their life easier by walking into the nearest locker and closing the door. About ten years ago, an ear condition resulting in long-term damage from frequent wet willies was named after me.
High school was no different. I was still bullied by the popular kids, but I grew used to it. A familiar sight was me walking nonchalantly down the hall as I recieved numerous punches from popular jocks that I built an immunity to. I tried to enter the dating scene but was often burned mercillesly. When girls gave me their phone numbers, it was usually "911" accompanied with a footnote telling me to call the ugly police. When I tried to lower my standards, I realized that even that old man who circled the school in his old Dodge van about three times a day didn't even want anything to do with me. At one point, every girl in the school filed a restraining order against me for asking so much, and I could no longer attend that school. I did have a girlfriend briefly in sophomore year, but she left me for the kid who spat in his hand to check for blood after he was done eating. When I sought therapy, I was just told to give up and was handed Internet printouts of ways to commit painless suicides. I grew even more depressed when I realized I couldn't even succeed at the suicides.
Now I'm in college. Some things never really change even when you get to college. When I drive by old Mrs. Henderson's house, her kids throw tomatoes at my car. The only thing that changes is you realize you suck at college math, and now you really do have no redeeming qualities that you thought you had. And everyone is getting laid but you.
Hmm, I'm suprised I haven't seen this thread before..
First:
Jake, we have to talk some time. We need a proper serious convo without too much fucking around and awkward statements developed by lack of contact.
Second:
I don't expect anyone to read this. I hardly read anyone elses posts simply because I couldn't give a shit how other people feel - though I did read Jake's post and my heart did sink.
I'm not depressed anymore, at least compared to the state I was in a year or so ago. However, I'm not happy and I don't think I ever will be. I shall explain.
My life doesn't suck. I'm clever; I do well at school/college if I work - and sometimes even if I don't -. I'm intelligent and creative. I have friends, I'm likable and funny, I can be sociable if I'm with the right people. I have an idea of what I want for the near future and I see no reason why I can't accomplish that. I'm in love with the girl I've wanted for years and she (as far as I know) loves me too and we've been together for 15 months this coming weekend.
But my mind sees otherwise.
I hate myself. I hate myself physically and I hate the way I think. I hate being negative about everything. I hate being insecure. I hate being cynical. I hate not being able to trust anyone.
I hate the fact that any positive thought is dissmissable or must immediately be replaced by something negative. I hate the fact that I can't accept that good things can happen to me. I'm afraid to believe that things will go well. I find it repulsive to compliment myself. I find it impossible that anyone could love me unconditionaly.
I feel comfortable being surrounded by negativity. It's a safe place to be.
I'm sick of being indecisive and my lack of motivation.
I love my girlfriend more than anything, and she means the world to me.. but I'm constantly thinking that she doesn't love me, that she will or has cheated on me, that she's only using me, that she is just with me because she doesn't want to be alone.
Why would she want to be with me? What the hell does she see in me?
She's one of two of the only reasons I have to be alive. But I don't see what the point is in having such strong feelings for her... it's only going to end. And then I'll just be alone.. empty.. no more reason to live but with no more reason to die.. nothing left to think about...
I find myself transforming these worries into hate towards her all the time - though I would never let this show. I'm sick of being indecisive around her. I'm sick of not being able to do the right things. I'm sick of not being able to know what she wants or how she feels. I'm tired as fuck of the silences that come between us when we're out. And on a personal note, I'm fed up of my lack of sex drive when it's needed most, and the sudden gain of it when it's not.
I still wish I would just die in my sleep, but I no longer do this with much feeling. I couldn't really care less anymore. It still hurts to be alive.. but it's a dull throb now and it makes no difference.
Being depressed is natural to me. The way I view myself and everything is part of me and it won't change.
If you've read this then meh, if you haven't then meh. I'm invisible anyway, just like everyone else is.
Right now what's dragging down my emotions is my inability to talk to anyone. I mean, I can still ask questions like "Did you remember to bring your wallet?" or something like it, but I'm down right terrible at general conversation.
If I try to make it, I freeze. I just simply freeze. My throat tightens, my body 'locks' into the position I'm in. So I could stand over someone and just stay like that long enough for them to think "WTF is wrong with you?".
There are things I just want to say to people but if I try to, I get what was explained above. I haven't the faintest idea what causes it (Introversion, social anxiety, frontal lobe damage, etc.), but I feel awful after it.
Sorry for the bump from the bottom of the board to the top. I just needed to get that out of my head.
:hug:
I feel lousy because my 14 year old daughter snuck a boy over while I was sleeping and had sex with him while her sister slept in the bed right next to hers.
Now my family is up in arms, the State is NOT happy, my kids are NOT happy, and ALL of them may be removed from my care again.
At this point in time, I almost hope they are taken again.
I simply cannot stay awake 24/7 and if they want to sabbatoge my efforts THAT freagin badly.... well, there's nothing more I can do.
My hubby doesn't help at all with comments like: "If you let ONE of the kids go (and not all of them) then I'll stop supporting you." and "If you lie to me about it, I'll divorce you." and "My mom was right: If you play with dirt, you're going to get dirty." He says he made that comment in reference to my gossiping relatives, but I think it was meant for me and my kids.
I'm angry, hurt, confused and FRUSTRATED being belief.
*sigh*
*watches everyone go "Tl;Dr"*
-------------------------------------------------
I essentially am in bad condition.
I have no motivation to do anything in school
I have no clue why
My dad assumes its the internet when it really isnt. if he takes away my internet it doesnt motivate me to do homework, it just makes me angry.
I have almost no friends at all. I have a few sort of school friends but thats it.
Sometimes i feel so distant from people that its like they arent even similar to me
I tend to believe i am better than everyone around me intelligence wise. This causes me to get angry when teachers tell me to do things i dont want to do. i take it to offense because its kind of like your 8 year old brother ordering you to do something, its just bullshit.
I tend to not care in the least about other peoples feelings.
I fake emotions alot of the time just to keep up my image.
I sometimes have deep thoughts about life which egg me to do something like go on a killing spree or just go take 20 painkillers. I have no clue why this is. I am not depressed to the point of suicide. Suicide is just a dumb idea. But sometimes it is just lurking there. I could be in a perfectly good mood and have thoughts about doing things like stabbing my dog or running outside and busting my head through a glass window.
My dad is an alcoholic and smokes.
The alcohol is fucking with my life cause he has always had a beer.
My dad can never take me anywhere because of this.
I never get out of the house
My day consists of going to school, coming home, getting on the computer, sleeping, repeat.
Whenever i try to make a friend because we have something in common i tend to come on way too strong and talk way too much about dumb stuff. I believe this is because i have gone so long without friends that i dont really know how to talk to people.
My dad says this lucid dreaming "bullshit" is fucking weird and that i dont need to do that kind of weird shit. this angers me often.
He once told me that i wasnt allowed to write down my dreams anymore.
I hate going out somewhere(especially by myself) because i get very paranoid and anxious that people are staring at me or that i will do something to attract attention to myself like tripping or walking in to something.
When i talk to people i dont know i tend to talk very low and quiet. This causes them to tell me to speak up which sets me on edge with anxiety.
There is never any food at my house
I eat lunch at school and then i eat dinner at home
There is nothing for breakfast
nothing if i just get hungry
if we get something of that sorts, it is immediately eaten in its entirety by my dads girlfriends son and daughter who are 10 and 12(i believe).
I only see my mom once a year during the summer (if even that).
I have very low self esteem but i often attempt to fake confidence while in the presence of other people.
In the occasion that i receive money from someone on my moms side of the family it is 95% of the time "borrowed" by my dad or used for lunch money because my dad is "broke".
If hes so broke, why did he come home with a pack of cigarettes and a 6-pack?
If i ask to go somewhere/get something/do something i always just get "we will do it tomorrow" or "nah maybe later" or "nah youre good, you can just chill here". then when i wait till later, "nah its too late you should have asked me earlier". then im just like WELL WTF.
well thats all i can really think of as of now.
Whenever I get sad, I stop being sad and get awesome.
True story.
- Dad left again at 2am yesterday.
- Not sure about Korea anymore with lack of decent income.
- Need to find a real job, a good one, or start studying graphic design and print.
- Laptop charger is fucked.
- Need 700 dollars immediately to pay someone. Not happenin'.
- And it's fucking hot over here.
Missing your company and conversation.
People need to learn to say "F**k it" that will solve all of your so-called problems. If you have no health problems and you're not on your death bed then don't sweat the small stuff. If everyone on DV's were to stand in a circle and toss all of their problems and issues into one big pile in the middle of that circle and everyone saw everyone elses problems then everyone would be struggling to get their problems back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShadowNightWing
Quote:
Originally Posted by mini0991
LMAO! :chuckle:
Lol @ the Fuck It clip.
Ok my probs basically revolve around money. Ppl say that money can't buy happiness, well I beg to differ. That's about my main probs in a nutshell. CBFed to type out every detail ATM.
The weird thing is, new problems develop in the absence of more serious ones. I've been well off for years but money didn't buy me relief from my insecurities and lonliness. The work to overcome that was much more difficult.Quote:
Originally Posted by TamiDoll
Don't assume everything is going to be fine and dandy one you get finances under control; when one big problem is conquered, another takes its place. The reality of life.
The money thing applies with me. Since I know me and MY problems, I can assume what solution is best for them since I know the causes. You dunno my life, don't assume money won't fix 90% of my shit.Quote:
Originally Posted by mini0991
I'm here to vent, not to take assumptions from a bystander.
Not depression, but it does upset me.
I HATE maybes. Just gimme a yes or a no damnit. -.- IMO, maybes are usually NO. So why can't they just say no? :?