Thread: Expressing Your Depression

Originally Posted by HaRd_WiReD

I'm depressed because you guys are depressed.

Seriously cheer up! You still have good health. You could have Gillian's Burea or something. Then life would REALLY suck.

Especially for Gillian. He needs his bureau.
(Guillain-Barré)

I know I'm depressed because I've been taking Lexapro for about a year now. Well, maybe two years, I'm not sure. I'm much better than I used to be, but it's not like I'm back to normal again. I don't feel much excitement. There's nobody exciting here and nothing exciting to do. It's gotten to the point where I've got my heart set on trying marijuana or LSD, because I am SO SICK of trying to assure myself that my meds are doing a little something, or that if I keep practicing lucid dreaming, I might have a great, life-changing experience. I finally want some REAL RESULTS, IMMEDIATELY.

I'm sick of everyone around me fighting and being stressed 24/7. There must be no happiness in this world. I am tired of being so alone, I have one friend, but even he dislikes me now. I'm sick of every day being the same. I wish something would happen soon.

(((((hugs everyone here)))))

I'm sick of being wishy-washy and unable to commit. I either need to stop smoking and get back with my Congregation or stop dreading doing so already. I need to either clean WITH my kids or let the State take them. I can't do it on my own and they apparently will never be motivated to do it without me holding the figurative whip in one hand the whole time.
I need to accept my marriage as it is or divorce my hubby and go live out on the streets.
Instead, I hate the things I have, refuse to commit to another path and hate myself for not doing more. So, I hide in my "room" and sleep more often than not.
Dreams are so much better than reality.

Stories like http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/articl...MNR41ACRGU.DTL also depress the hell out of me. Places like that still exist in the freagin US? What's wrong with those people?!

I've stopped taking all my meds for temporary "clarity" of mind. I seem to be doing better but as soon as the cataplexia sets in I'll realize I screwed up and start taking them again. Again, I can't commit. My psychiatrist prescribed Abilify in addition to Celexa and Strattera but it costs $124. a month so I told the pharmacist to forget it.
And brain dead me reasons: If I can't take them all, then I just wont take anything. Grow a brain already, self! Something is better than nothing, idiot!

My life suxorz.

God decided to make me one night out of shit from his trashcan during a long good-old fashioned clambake. I was born in an old, shitty hospital after having been deined access to a more modern hospital under construction that was being saved for "real emergencies" like ninety-year old hypochondriacs who come to the ER to have a $70 blood pressure check. I was a rather fat baby. When I popped out, I hit the ground so hard that a local seismograph registered a small earthquake. When the doctor saw me for the first time, he promptly slapped both my parents in the face so hard, their scars are visible today. At that years thanksgiving, I spent five minutes in the oven after having been mistaken for the large turkey my family had purchased.

Natch, in elementary school, I was never an ordinary child. I was short, fat, and ass-ugly. Today, at least I'm no longer short. Because I never fit through the school bus door, I was often greased up and layed sideways in front of the bus to be rolled all the way to school. At school, I never proved to be poular. Fortunately for me, I discovered I had the superpower of invisibility. This proved to be a significant impediment for finding friends. Kids ignored me, family ignored me, hell...I had to repeat first grade because the teacher never noticed me when taking roll in the morning.

Being the fat insignificant thing I was, when people actually did see me, I never was treated too well. Kids left me out of their games almost every day. The extent of my sports experience as a child was getting called over to fetch the ball out of old Mrs. Henderson's yard...the same old Mrs. Henderson who liked to throw mushy old tomatoes at kids who walked through her yard. I was also asked to be scorekeeper for certain games, but even then I would later find out that they set me up and would pick someone who was less of a nerd than I was to keep score, which proved to be a difficult task wherever I stood. Physical bullying was prevalent as well. A popular stunt for the little league players was to hit me with baseball bats. When I yelled for the teachers, they ran over and joined in. If I came across a bully in the hallway, I made their life easier by walking into the nearest locker and closing the door. About ten years ago, an ear condition resulting in long-term damage from frequent wet willies was named after me.

High school was no different. I was still bullied by the popular kids, but I grew used to it. A familiar sight was me walking nonchalantly down the hall as I recieved numerous punches from popular jocks that I built an immunity to. I tried to enter the dating scene but was often burned mercillesly. When girls gave me their phone numbers, it was usually "911" accompanied with a footnote telling me to call the ugly police. When I tried to lower my standards, I realized that even that old man who circled the school in his old Dodge van about three times a day didn't even want anything to do with me. At one point, every girl in the school filed a restraining order against me for asking so much, and I could no longer attend that school. I did have a girlfriend briefly in sophomore year, but she left me for the kid who spat in his hand to check for blood after he was done eating. When I sought therapy, I was just told to give up and was handed Internet printouts of ways to commit painless suicides. I grew even more depressed when I realized I couldn't even succeed at the suicides.

Now I'm in college. Some things never really change even when you get to college. When I drive by old Mrs. Henderson's house, her kids throw tomatoes at my car. The only thing that changes is you realize you suck at college math, and now you really do have no redeeming qualities that you thought you had. And everyone is getting laid but you.

Hmm, I'm suprised I haven't seen this thread before..

First:

Jake, we have to talk some time. We need a proper serious convo without too much fucking around and awkward statements developed by lack of contact.

Second:

I don't expect anyone to read this. I hardly read anyone elses posts simply because I couldn't give a shit how other people feel - though I did read Jake's post and my heart did sink.

I'm not depressed anymore, at least compared to the state I was in a year or so ago. However, I'm not happy and I don't think I ever will be. I shall explain.

My life doesn't suck. I'm clever; I do well at school/college if I work - and sometimes even if I don't -. I'm intelligent and creative. I have friends, I'm likable and funny, I can be sociable if I'm with the right people. I have an idea of what I want for the near future and I see no reason why I can't accomplish that. I'm in love with the girl I've wanted for years and she (as far as I know) loves me too and we've been together for 15 months this coming weekend.

But my mind sees otherwise.

I hate myself. I hate myself physically and I hate the way I think. I hate being negative about everything. I hate being insecure. I hate being cynical. I hate not being able to trust anyone.

I hate the fact that any positive thought is dissmissable or must immediately be replaced by something negative. I hate the fact that I can't accept that good things can happen to me. I'm afraid to believe that things will go well. I find it repulsive to compliment myself. I find it impossible that anyone could love me unconditionaly.

I feel comfortable being surrounded by negativity. It's a safe place to be.

I'm sick of being indecisive and my lack of motivation.

I love my girlfriend more than anything, and she means the world to me.. but I'm constantly thinking that she doesn't love me, that she will or has cheated on me, that she's only using me, that she is just with me because she doesn't want to be alone.

Why would she want to be with me? What the hell does she see in me?

She's one of two of the only reasons I have to be alive. But I don't see what the point is in having such strong feelings for her... it's only going to end. And then I'll just be alone.. empty.. no more reason to live but with no more reason to die.. nothing left to think about...

I find myself transforming these worries into hate towards her all the time - though I would never let this show. I'm sick of being indecisive around her. I'm sick of not being able to do the right things. I'm sick of not being able to know what she wants or how she feels. I'm tired as fuck of the silences that come between us when we're out. And on a personal note, I'm fed up of my lack of sex drive when it's needed most, and the sudden gain of it when it's not.

I still wish I would just die in my sleep, but I no longer do this with much feeling. I couldn't really care less anymore. It still hurts to be alive.. but it's a dull throb now and it makes no difference.


Being depressed is natural to me. The way I view myself and everything is part of me and it won't change.

If you've read this then meh, if you haven't then meh. I'm invisible anyway, just like everyone else is.

Right now what's dragging down my emotions is my inability to talk to anyone. I mean, I can still ask questions like "Did you remember to bring your wallet?" or something like it, but I'm down right terrible at general conversation.

If I try to make it, I freeze. I just simply freeze. My throat tightens, my body 'locks' into the position I'm in. So I could stand over someone and just stay like that long enough for them to think "WTF is wrong with you?".

There are things I just want to say to people but if I try to, I get what was explained above. I haven't the faintest idea what causes it (Introversion, social anxiety, frontal lobe damage, etc.), but I feel awful after it.

Sorry for the bump from the bottom of the board to the top. I just needed to get that out of my head.