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My whole highschool career I've never been in a relationship. Ever. Not even a petty one. I did in eighth grade once, but that was when I was like 12 or 13...
Is that wierd? I don't want to just go screw the nearest girl, but what can Id o to make myself, I don't know, more available?
Become proactive.
Is there anything you enjoy doing off the net? Do you go to church, play sports, play cards etc.
If you're still in school (college) are there any after school clubs that interest you? Or gatherings from work you could attend?
I made a bunch of sticky notes with my name and number on them, and I was at a collage (For a boyscout merit badge) And I stuck them on the backs, and back packs of all the hot girls
(no one has called yet lol)
Yeah, becoming more social will help a lot. Maybe become more active in your school (student council), start hanging out with people at sporting events. To become more available you have to make yourself more available to others, if that makes any sense at all.Quote:
Originally Posted by Zhaylin
Believe it or not, because you care too much about getting one.Quote:
Originally Posted by spockman
They aren't that great. At all. The sex can good, but they are never meaningful in the slightest. Awkward breakups after senior year, and they're just bothersome and trivial. Get girls, not girlfriends.Quote:
Originally Posted by spockman
Not true.Quote:
Originally Posted by Grod
You've just had bad experience.
Quote:
Originally Posted by spockman
I think screwing the nearest girl is a start
and telling girls you're available is also a way to become more available. actually, just looking at girls gets the job done.
agreed. my last relationship ended bitterly, and even I don't support that mindsetQuote:
Originally Posted by Carôusoul
I know a guy who says the same stuff, saying that sex is all that matters. he has no heart for a relationship right now. why? because he's only had one girlfriend (not necessarily your case), and she cheated on him (not necessarily your case, either). I don't blame him, though.
I don't think sex is all that matters. High-school break-ups are inevitable, and they don't end well. They're fun for a while, I guess.Quote:
Originally Posted by AirRick101
But don't listen to me. I'm just a negative person.
not true.Quote:
Originally Posted by Grod
again.
;_;
Enjoy it while it lasts
Doing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Grod
have been~ Started dating my gf junior year and we are still dating junior year of college~~Quote:
Originally Posted by Grod
I didn't date in high school.
Then I moved to college and BAM. :P
So just relax. It'll happen.
Yeah I'm 19 and I know why I havn't, I don't talk for the sake of just talking, and girls certainly arn't the type to go after some quite guy who doesn't make much noise, unless their a rare type. Not that I really trust myself to be a good boyfriend, I'd probably do a crap job at this point in my life.
All I know is that once you begin to be more out-going some of the stress comes off and you find it easier and much more enjoyable to talk because it is less stressful to do and it comes more naturally, it doesn't feel like you have to pressure yourself all the time. (trust me I know how it feels to feel pressured to talk to people in order to improve yourself) You just have to say what you are thinking and not keep it in your head and trust in yourself.
You may not think you have much to say, but you'll be suprised when you pay attention to your thoughts and all the things you feel like saying.
Also Catching girls eyes often makes them think your into them, so maybe they will try and hang near you, as long as you act open and seem welcoming.
Sometimes it's good to be alone. If you've been single that long, honey, God has not found the right one for you yet.
Me too. My last relationship ended harsly, fucked me up. First time I found out what love really was. And it was my fault it got taken away. But, anyway, I'm not ready for another relationship soon.Quote:
Originally Posted by Grod
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant
Bullshit. This is why girls should not give girl advice.Quote:
Originally Posted by aaliyah822
In our society the onus is on the male to initiate contact and to advance a relationship. If you are already actively trying to meet girls then I need more information.
Feel free to PM me.
My advice about relaxing is bullshit?
This is the last time I take an interest in your petty high school drama talk.
Peace out.
Well good thing I'm not a "girl" I'm a woman. I saw some people actually trying to help out here and ones that should have never been allowed to carry penises -
Examples would be:
"Bullshit. This is why girls should not give girl advice." - Who let you graduate from the 3rd grade? Shame on them.
"I think screwing the nearest girl is a start"- Only if you think catching an STD is cool and like having your junk fall off.
If someone gives you advise like this run like hell and don't look back-
It is not weird to not want to go and impregnate everything that walks that would be immature and stupid- your actually ahead of most guys your age on that one. Don't digress just for the sake of trying to be one of those idiots. A guy who is into you for the sake of liking you and not just to get down your pants is sexy, if I know you have done it with a lot of other girls I'm going to wonder if there is something emotionally, mentally or physically wrong with you - face who knows what you could have at that point -gross. I won't let you get near me. Maybe it's not so weird that you don't have a girlfriend maybe no one has been genuinely interesting there is more to finding a girlfriend than just liking her rack. Whats the point in being with a bunch of failed attempts? Nothing it will just give you a complex, so why not wait until you feel that someone in truly interesting and captivating and worthy of your time and attention. Getting out and being involved in things is sexy, getting an education is definitely sexy and if you do these things you are also increasing your chances of meeting someone else who is interesting and has goals and dreams and brains and hey maybe even a great rack. Being focused on the things that you love and that you are passionate about will eventually lead you to a person who not only will you be able to have a relationship with, have sex with but also be best friends with . That is the truth.
Sort of half right.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ward
Sort of.
Because relaxing and not bothering is required.
But at the same time pro active-ness is needed.
Compromise.
Yes. What you said pretty much amounts to "do not improve yourself or change anything, just wait for something to happen."Quote:
Originally Posted by Mes Tarrant
Relaxation is key, but that only comes with experience. Telling a guy who is nervous around girls (may not be the case here, which is why I asked for more information) to just relax is meaningless. It is the same kind of generic relationship advice a mother would give.
The fact is an average guy with girl problems who is approaching a girl for the first time is not going to be able to relax. What they must do is force themselves out of their comfort zone and approach anyway. Eventually they will see that girls are not scary and that rejection is not very painful. With this realization comes confidence and relaxation.
First of all... I wouldn't say women shouldn't give advice, but it should be advice. No comfort-talk.
About all those people going 'well you just haven't found the right one yet'
I'm always a bit put off by that (and I mean that in a respecting way, of course). If you say it like that, it has no real essence. It's just talk to comfort you. It's basically the stuff your mom says to you to make you stop crying :P
Because really: what does it even mean? 'the right one for you'? (I am going to come back to this)
There is no 'right one for you'. There is no 'perfect woman'. Everybody has flaws. And if they don't have them now, then be assured: sometime in the future they will. Why? Because everybody changes. Both you, as well as the girl. So what was perfect for you once, might change. What was 'right for you' once, WILL change.
And if there WERE a 'right one for you'. Then you'd first have to find and attract her anyways.
So... On to the meat of the question. I'm gonna have you do all the work here. Why have you never been in a significant relationship?
1) Have you been looking? Even if there is no 'perfect one for you', have you at least identified what you want in a relationship? Do you know who you are and what you want in life and in a woman? You say you don't just want to jump any passing woman. So what do you want? Search your soul a bit. Write down a few traits that a woman must have and why. she. should. have. them. (<- important! Makes you look at things in a deeper way... not just 'skin deep')
-->Get to the bottom of your desire. Identify who you are. Identify what you want in a woman. Go REALLY DEEP, and choose a few select traits.
2) When you've identified your wishes, then just go look for the woman that has them. People are people. They don't come in wrapped present-format. They're just out there, going about their business, minding their own life. They don't know you, they don't know you have a wish for this stuff. So you've gotta look for them
--> MEET PEOPLE.
3) Ask yourself: do you have an attractive personality? If you interact with that woman that you'd like to have a relationship with (i.e. who's got her act together, who's got the traits that complement you, etc.), is she going to think 'hey, this could be a worthy supplement to my friends' or 'wow, this guy's amazing, I want to get into a relationship with him'?
Be BRUTALLY honest with yourself here. Don't go for the gratifying answer, and don't just blurt out the thing that you want to hear. BE HONEST:
ARE YOU BOYFRIEND MATERIAL OR ARE YOU NOT? Step out of yourself and your subjectivity for a moment: would you want to be the boyfriend of you? ->If you've answered 'yes': good for you. Go meet women. Attract them. Job all done. Though you should remember: you are NOT perfect. ALWAYS continue to grow. Always continue to get better. Even though you might have an attractive personality, there's always stuff that you can perfect.
->If you've answered 'no' or 'maybe', then we have some work to do... Cultivate an attractive personality.
--> Do some soul-searching, be honest, and admit the truth
4) If you don't have an attractive personality, then we're gonna do some work. We're going to cultivate an attractive personality.
What components should we cultivate?
1) A relaxed, laid-back, confident attitude. There's no need to stress about stuff. Just surf the waves of life. It's fun. And above all: accept everything that happens. It is as it is. Just RELAAAAXXX
2) Have fun! Life is fun, so have fun!
3) Be flirty. Physically touch people, tease people, imply that she likes you and that you're on to her, interpret things she says sexually, whatever. Do the whole shebang.
4) Have your shit together. Don't just do sex, drugs and rock and roll. Don't go through life aimlessly like some sort of vagrant does on the streets. Have a serious attitude also. Have a goal in life. Have a dream. Work towards achieving that. Aside from that, know yourself, know your situation, know your environment, and ACCEPT it all. It is as it is.
(Do note that point 1, 2, and 4 are about life in general, thought they do apply to having an attractive personality also. So you'd do good to do this stuff either way).
-->Cultivate an attractive personality
5) Flirt!
If you just have an attractive personality, but you don't flirt, then she won't see you as boyfriend material. You'll just behave like all her other friends. So attract her already! FLIRT!
--> FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT!!!
I'll just end with my usual closing: good luck, and if you need any help, just contact me or any one of us in here. We're here to help you, mmkay? ^^
Right-o! ... Bye!
-CD
have you made any moves on a girl you like? maybe you could do that...
Great advice CryoDragoon. I feel like I have been owned by the depth of your post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ward
I would agree with that if I were giving advice to an adult.
I was simply trying to alert the OP to the big picture.
Life isn't about high school, and if you realize that and take it easy, then the pressure will be off to find a girl, you'll start naturally acting more confident, and then things will go up from there.
Yeesh.
Dumb question, but how long has it been since you asked a girl out? Can't get a gf if you don't ask.
My advice is to randomly go up to women that you don't know and try to strike up a conversation, it'll make you smoother and more confident.
well i wil tel you this, relationships are easy to find, but significant relationships, are not. you probably don't have you're eyes set on anyone, because you would have prolly made a move, but ninja does make a great point. test the waters a bit and although you might not get a significant relationship right off the bat, you could still mature in your dating ways, and figure out exactly what and who you want in life. that would then essentially make you better at searching for the right type of girl.
(tip: don't reserve yourself for only one person or one type, explore all and you'll really know what you want.)
Thanks for the replies. Sorry I didn't respond earlier, I've just gotten on. Well, I've gotten alot of posts in this thread and another thread to be chiller and more relaxed. I'll try that. Oh, and as far as the sex thing, I don't really intend on that for a while. I'm doing my best to stay away from it for a while. I'd like my first to be with whomever I marry.
I've been trying to improve myself in some areas. Ex. I've been catching myself lately whenever I feel I am being antagonistic. But Cryo is right about how I should look at myself and ways to make my personality attractive.
The other comments are helpful as well. Ninja and Orozco might have the right idea. (Asking a girl out? Crap, it's been what... 5 months?) And the multiple posts to be more social in general. Posts like Mes's and Carousel's and Grod's and Ward's and aaliyah822's and stuff, with the idea being not to pressure myself into getting a relationship now, are good as well and I'll take that into serious consideration.
I also appreciate posts with girl advice and insight like Catbus's, Rick's, LCD's, and shannyball's.
Thanks guys.
y yu do dis? >:UQuote:
Originally Posted by spockman
Well, a few reasons. I don't want to cheapen it, (not to say that other people have cheapened sex.) but I'd rather not have images of other women whilst having sex with whoever will turn out to be my wife.
Though I doubt I would adhere to that if I wasn't a religous person.
I see.Quote:
Originally Posted by spockman
>:V
Edit; wait wat? Why would you have images of other women in your head when having sex with your wife just cus you had sex before?
If you loved her I doubt you'd think of someone else
wat is this bullshit
>:U
Quote:
wat is this bullshit
To be honest, you don't seem really that enthusiastic about the whole "no sex before marriage" thing, spockman. It sounds like you're just repeating parrot-fashion what the good Bible has taught you. Make your own decisions.Quote:
a religous person.
The more you desire a girlfriend, the less likely you will be to find one; at least one who is worth it. Desire has a strong ability in clouding the mind of the original intent. Eventually, you may find yourself just looking for sex or just dating any girl that's willing just because your desire hasn't been met.
I agree with a few of the comments suggest; to relax and just let things flow.
Ever wonder why an aged wine tastes better ? (aside from the scientific phenomena)
I can respect this viewpoint, but I don't think it has to be true. It doesn't apply to me. If I like a girl, and she likes me, sex is gonna happen sooner or later.Quote:
Originally Posted by spockman
You are STILL capable of fantasizing about other women while having sex with a wife you saved yourself for.
But it's ok....I had the exact same mindset before I lost my virginity, hehehehe.
Awesome man, no doubt about it.Quote:
Originally Posted by magical mike
you know i am all about the waiting, but spockman, it will be very hard if you are planning to be married b4 sex. temptation will either get to you, or you will get married really young. right now it seems easy for you to not have sex, but when you have some one there, that you hold, and make-out with everyday, it will get very hard, so just take that into consideration....
I have no problem with getting married young.
oh. cool then. i guess you'd be set
i personally wouldn't marry untill after the age of at least23-24...
i know some people who can do it, good luck spockman...
I think that this choice is a good choice, an honorable choice and the right choice. Maybe it is his decision to fallow through with what the Bible says. Just because you choose to use the Bible as a way to establish guidelines for your life doesn't mean that you are weak. It means that you are looking for deep and meaningful structure. I think that people who just go out and have sex because their friends are doing it, because the media says it is what's important or because their hormones are pushing them into it are more like parrots than those who look for a reason not to be like everyone else. There are too many babies born to kids, too many STDs, too many people who are not ready for a sexual relationship and what harm has waiting ever done to anyone? If I could take losing my virginity to a total dipshit back I would. If I could have had some respect for myself and some respect for what a healthy sexual relationship is I would take back every person I ever gave myself to to be able to share it completely with my husband. People need to stop being part of the problem by making young people who feel it is smart to wait feel like losers. Spockman I say do it the right way and if not screwing everything that walks hasn't killed you yet waiting a while longer won't either. Being with someone and loving them doesn't mean you HAVE to be having sex with them. It is much easier to turn a friendship into love than love into a friendship- and when you sleep with someone often you will feel the pressure to "be in love" with them even if you aren't. When you finally feel you have met the right person parts of you do get taken away by the other partners you have had in the past - that is a fact. You will have more to give to that person if you don't give it all away before you meet them. I think a huge problem is the Media making it out like sex is nothing. well that is a lie, that is why most people have baggage by the time they meet there spouses.Quote:
Originally Posted by Goldney
If you are with a girl or boy.Quote:
Originally Posted by shannyball
Not married, still quite young, lets say 19.
You're both in love.
You both understand the consequences of sex.
You both understand contraception.
You both have thought about it and feel you want to have sex.
Why shouldn't you have sex?
You're implying that this is black and white. That either you have sex after marriage and all is well, or if you have sex before marriage you get STDs or you're "screwing everything that moves". How the hell can you see the world in such a dumb simple way?
Why are you so obsessed with sex anyway? You apply all these weird social stigmas and restrictions to it, nothing else, but sex seems to be this supersignificant ultimate thing. Why? Seriously, with appropriate contraception, and responsible adults, what the hell is wrong with sex? There is such a weird taboo in culture that has grown around it which is entirely undeserved, and is pretty much totally backward and medieval.
You were complaining about the media somehow putting sex on a pedestal, but thats exactly the same thing as what you are doing now with your odd views on the matter.
I thought we moved beyond the primitive laws and ideals of ancient middle eastern men, 2000 years ago. Clearly not.
I am basically telling him how I see things as someone who has been through this already. If he would like to wait there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. That your implying I see the world in Black and White is BS because I do not. I have been through this already. I had sex when I was a teenager and even though I had sex with people those relationships did not last and they did take a part of me when they ended. It would have been more beneficial to me and to my self esteem and my future relationship with my husband if I had never slept with those people. What is dumb about simple? Why the hell do people have to go around trying to complicate things? If you want to have sex do it, if you don't don't. Do what is best for you, but what is best for you may be doing the thing that isn't the easiest - we live in a world that is all about the "now" instant gratification, screwing around and hoping that because you used a condom their will be no consequences.
Carasoul I have noticed that you enjoy tearing apart my posts- why are you so focused on me? I am not in anyway obsessed with sex. I have a great sex life, and a healthy one in a committed relationship and really I believe that is where a sex belongs. I have been on both sides of this fence. I am allowed to have that point of view. Just as you are allowed to have your point of view. We don't have to agree about anything. This isn't about how I feel about your personal choices or your ideas or vice versa. This isn't about either one of us at all -this is about Spockman's needs. he asked a question and I supported him in waiting. I did not support the idea that just because you are around the opposite sex you have to have sex with them or will end up doing so. It is simply a matter of priorities. If not having sex and waiting is your priority then you will find ways to make that part of your lifestyle choices. If your priorities are to be like "everyone else" and fit in and have sex then you will make choices that leads to having sex. BTW not everyone is having sex. You just have to decide what your priorities are. If you want to post why don't you respond to what you think will help his problem? Why do you feel the need to tell me how stupid you think I am and how wrong and midevil and blah blah blah you think I am. I don't care. You aren't going to change my mind.
Just because you regret it because you were a dumb teenager, it doesn't mean that the same applies to everyone.Quote:
Originally Posted by shannyball
Why do you assume people who have sex before marriage do it to "be like everyone else"? Just because you did? Most people aren't that dumb, and I think you shouldn't treat Spockman as that stupid.
also, i've never spoken to you before. Not that I remember :/
Oh...
: (
Umm...
I appreciate both of your posts. I'm glad of shannyball saying why he supports my opinion and I'm glad of Carosaul for taking his time to respond and give me his opinion on the subject.
Uhh...
Being a teenager doesn't make you dumb, it does make you somewhat inexperienced. I'm done arguing with you. You have proved a point to me- that you don't actually have a point and you just like to argue and start fights. You one of those people who enjoy hearing themselves talk even if you don't have anything to say. I'd be willing to bet your very young as well. While not all young people act inexperienced, many do because they have not had the life experience to formulate educated opinions on subjects such as sex. You exude inexperience, all of your retorts are based on being angry about something. I won't be continuing this discussion, it's getting boring.
Sorry for getting off on a tangent Spockman. I do support your choice to wait. Nothing bad will come of it. I was neither a smart teenager nor a dumb one I was a teenager like all other teenagers- just trying to get through each day intact. Sometimes the best action when you aren't sure about doing something is no action at all. I am speaking from my own voice of experience. Also I am not that old, it's not like I was a teenager in the 1950's or something, I still remember very much how this subject effected my life. A lot of why I did it was to fit in and out of curiosity - I am being honest when I say I don't think it was worth it and I wish I had saved it for someone more meaningful.Quote:
Originally Posted by spockman
Thanks. I appreciate it.
In the long run High School is not an important or long part of your life.
People in schools seem to be full of angst and hate.. find love after school... Because it's mostly lust in school.
Hmm, very mature attitude there. Espescially for one as 'experienced' as you.Quote:
Originally Posted by shannyball
Where does this vitriol come from? As far as I can tell, Carousoul has (on the whole) given considered counter-points, without getting agitated or resorting to childish tactics. That's how a good internet-debate works; argument, counter-argument etc.Quote:
You have proved a point to me- that you don't actually have a point and you just like to argue and start fights. You one of those people who enjoy hearing themselves talk even if you don't have anything to say.
To be honest, all you've done is come across as both ageist and sexist in this thread:Quote:
I'd be willing to bet your very young as well. While not all young people act inexperienced, many do because they have not had the life experience to formulate educated opinions on subjects such as sex. You exude inexperience, all of your retorts are based on being angry about something. I won't be continuing this discussion, it's getting boring.
Look at that. It's frankly rude what you've said there. Claiming that male teenagers are essentially emotionless, hormone-driven robots who will only feign niceties in order to trick some unsuspecting girl into bed. It's like you're saying that they, as an entire social group, are incapable of love.Quote:
Originally Posted by shannyball
Also, refusing to recognise anyone else's valid points; claiming that they are inexperienced and therefore have to be wrong.
And this is ignoring the fact that you obviously have some problems with losing your virginity "to a total dipshit" and refuse to acknowledge this as just your experience. Instead urging spockman to make "a good choice, an honorable choice and the right choice". By saying this, all you've done is put sex on a pedestal where it doesn't belong.
Furthermore your views are black and white:
On the one hand sex before marriage will give you an STD, impregnate your partner, make you fail school and cause "your junk to fall off." Whereas sex with a married partner is a-okay.
In the end, I respect that spockman can do whatever he likes and can live with the consequences. I would just appreciate it if the opinions he received were more considered and less biased.
True... I think all around, the extremes should be avoided.
There are examples of sex before marriage that aren't disasterous, as well as excellent examples of people who waited until after marriage.
Folks, let's try to keep this as an advice giving thread. Nothing wrong with disagreeing with eachother, but oversimplifying by insulting a general demographic is uncool, as is singling out members and ganging up on them and picking apart their posts, just because you don't like being disagreed with.
^^Woot.
Come on people this was a good thread.
I'm going to apologize, I don't know EVERYTHING all I I know is what I have been through. Not all teenagers are inexperienced in life, I get to feeling a little angry when people have to go and tear apart my posts when I am trying to genuinely help someone. When I am trying to share what experience I do have. I'm only 29 and so I don't know everything, but I may know something that a 15yr old doesn't and it may help if they listen - I listen to my parents and other adult that are older to me now. I didn't when I was younger but I suddenly found after college that these people actually have experience and knowledge and are very wise. My life has become somewhat less complicated when I fallow their wise advice. I have gotten over the "I know everything" part of my life. When someone jumps on me saying that I am black and white I feel irritated. I have found that when you get to my age that life does get a little more black and white. Expls- you have a job - you can pay your bills, have a house and eat. You don't have a job - you don't have a house, food and you can't pay the bills. You stay in school you get a good paying job with bennies and you can advance higher and higher, you drop out of college your choices are limited, you may be slinging burgers or waiting tables for the rest of your life you most likely won't own a house or a good car, your kids will struggle too. You do drugs you lose ambition and your morals start to decay, eventually you lose your job, your relationships and your life. You decide that you don't need to get high and other things become bigger priorities. You sleep around you end up with unwanted pregnancies, STD's and low self esteem. You are careful who you share your sexuality with and you have less of a tendency to have these types of problems. Things that seemed innocent and easy to get away with when you are a teenager catch up with you and start having consequences even as a young adult. Which leads me to see life in a more black and white way. No not every sexual experience out of marriage is a bad experience that is true- I have gotten to this opinion however by the fact that I haven't seen what the real point is of sleeping with someone you won't be having a lasting relationship with. When the short term relationship ends after you have slept together you are often left with feelings of failure and cheapening yourself. If they give you an STD or an unwanted pregnancy they aren't sticking around and that is bad for you and the baby. I don't see anything wrong with avoiding this scenario all together. I even support sex inside the realm of a long term , monogamous relationship even if that is not marriage. I don't support sleeping around or casual sex because there is too much at stake anymore.