"This life may prove to be too much for me..."

[Truthbearer]

I swear I am at at the brink of something big...I've been here for a while. I am not sure how much more I can take, it's just too damn much. Not bad stuff, in general, but existance itself. I swear I am just not made for this world. I focus too much on things that others choose to ignore(and for a good reason) and they are driving me nuts. I am driving me nuts. I can't take another 10 minutes alone with my thoughts...it is just too intense the way I deal with every single thing. Everything keeps adding up and every new truth is just another step I take towards ledge. But I have no choice...I know there is no other way for me to deal, think or act. I know that I just can't go against it, no matter how hard I try. I just want to live a normal life...one in complete oblivion...like everyone else. Why did I have to bring this upon myself? I sometimes kind of wish I would have stopped myself before I was too late. That I would have drifted into the opinion and wish of the masses, of this society. It ilooks just so appealing to be confortably oblivious and numb. Anyway, I have dug my grave and I fear that it is time I lie in it. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way suicidal. There is so much left to feel, suffer and enjoy, to take the easy way out. I love/hate my life and myself too much to do that. I am more frustrated now that I have ever been, and I can just feel every single second of my existance taunting me. I've already lived about 1/4 of my life, and if I were to die tomorrow I would be really really disappointed with everything. I can see my end, whenever it is, and it is asfixiating me. I understand many things now that I didn't a month ago and they have lead me to a complete emotional overload. I feel like I could just explode at any minute. I love to feel...everything, it really makes me feel alive. But I can't handle THIS much of an overflow of everything. I guess I am writing this more for myself than I am for you guys, but I truly just need to get this off my chest. Hopefully you will have some good advices, as you always do. I don't see a solution for this however, and I know that things are only going to get worse. I can't decieve myself by trying to live a normal life, and that is my only way out. I have tried too many times but I just can't allow myself to do that. I am holding myself back from everything, from all of life's most rewarding experiences. I stay back and just analyse it all. Always an observer and never a participant. I wish I would let myself live, but I guess I was never really meant to do much of that anyway. I feel the next few weeks will be critical...something big is going to happen. It is due. My reasoning deems it so...I won't be the same for long... Sorry about the rant guys...it will be my last. I promise.

[Placebo]

*pats Truthbearers back, while he listens to the choking and sobbing* I've always felt myself an observer, and digging in things that nobody else does. But I'm clueless as to what truth you've delved into thats overloading you If you want a good chat on MSN, I'm there (in my timezone anyway)

[Xisdence]

Truthbearer, not only are your posts appreciated, but this one i thought was extremely sincere and jenerous, it's an insight that i havn't heard from many, if any people. Everything you mention about existense, knowing about it, questioning everything, why does it exist, you want to know everything, yet after every question, you feel a blur of so many thoughts and associations, well at least i do. Watching people everywhere, how they continue to be a part of the flow, yet we are always trying to comprehend life, when it really is above our capability to understand it. I don't know if you were saying if you want to just live the situations, and not continually be plagued by thoughts of how the exist/function/work, and enjoy the moments, but i hope im feeling the same way, that you want to be oblivious to those thoughts, and feel the essence, of pure life. Does the thought of , what is all this, life and why/where is it going? Enter your mind, accompanied by a deep sense of loss and depression? Those nights, where you delve deep into the questions that drive your head insane, looking into the deepest parts of your conscience and asking, will this end, whats beyond my life? When are things going to flow, and not always be interrupted by thought patterns that constantly itch you inside. You could think, wouldn't it be better just to not exist sometimes, so that fear of the unknown wouldn't exist, then you wouldn't be sad if anything you had were lost, as it wouldn't have been in the first place. With every emotional fibre in my body, please, listen to a favourite song, and think of everything in your life that has made you happy, wake up early and savour a sunrise, buy a pair of shoes for a homeless person, go raging at a bar with friends you havn't seen in years. I really can't describe in words what i really wan't to say in response to your post, it's something that i hope we might be sharing so that you and i both, perhaps many more readers can invest value in, and learn from. Not feel grief from all the feelings, and help each other is what i mean. Why is this what it is, you want to understand everything, but how. And if everything is understood then what will the feeling be, once everything is known, how will life exist. Fuk it, sorry i can't get it out yet. Im sorry if im not assisting, you have done a great job of describing your thoughts, i don't think im doing good in trying to associate mine, or help for that matter. I am holding myself back from everything, from all of life's most rewarding experiences. I stay back and just analyse it all. Always an observer and never a participant.[/b] Does it feel like sitting on a chair inside a quiet house, while everything quickly happens and passes outside, every moment a capsule of lost possibilities? What is life anyway, a feeling? I wish I would let myself live, but I guess I was never really meant to do much of that anyway. I feel the next few weeks will be critical...something big is going to happen. It is due. My reasoning deems it so...I won't be the same for long... [/b] Truthbearer, man you are going to live. There are so many parts of life yet to open up the joys inside you. I hope that you will feel a sense of accomplishment, relief if something happens in the next few weeks. I know i don't have any clue as to what you are feeling emotionally, as really i could be off track to what you are saying, but from the depths of my heart, there is life to live for, the love that people around you feel for the fact that you are alive. In this game of life, as you may feel like an observer, you are so much more, and there is so much more time to explore. In hindsight, i know almost nothing, you are older so alot wiser, i learnt alot from your post. Hang in there man, things will eventually smooth out, i really hope they go well. The older members here might be able to give you an insightful post, regarding the complexeties of life, and hopefully they should be able to describe some of the intangable things, like love and fear. Sitting on this post for about half an hour now, i went between watching tv and writing, trying to sit on thoughts to write about. I watched a thunderstorm, and thought is that beautiful, is it god looking at me, or simple effects of science, precipitation and hot/cold drafts creating storm clouds? Why is that experience split into the watching, and questioning, why? The mind then wanders of to what is self? The truth behind reality, it's perception, you want answers and what are they going to be? Cheer up ey, this wasn't ranting by any means, imo, an excellent post, that assured me on aspects in life.

[Seeker]

Originally posted by Truthbearer+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Truthbearer)</div> I swear I am at at the brink of something big...I've been here for a while. I am not sure how much more I can take, it's just too damn much. Not bad stuff, in general, but existance itself. I swear I am just not made for this world. [/b] Sounds to me like you are leaving youth behind. There are a few transitional years that occur for most people in their mid-20's. It is kind of like a mid-life crisis, only in reverse. I understand your feeling of being overwhelmed. You are now seeing the endless possibilities that are open to you. Every question you find the answer for creates five new ones. Originally posted by Truthbearer+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Truthbearer)</div> I just want to live a normal life...one in complete oblivion...like everyone else. Why did I have to bring this upon myself? I sometimes kind of wish I would have stopped myself before I was too late. That I would have drifted into the opinion and wish of the masses, of this society. It ilooks just so appealing to be confortably oblivious and numb.[/b] A normal life..complete oblivion..like everyone else. No, trust me, you don't want this. That is not a life, it is just an existance. It sounds to me like you have been given an intellect and a sense of clarity that is rare in individuals. Cherish the gift, it is given to very few people in this world. The people with this gift are the ones that go on to greater things. They make the difference. <!--QuoteBegin-Truthbearer@ Anyway, I have dug my grave and I fear that it is time I lie in it. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way suicidal. There is so much left to feel, suffer and enjoy, to take the easy way out. I love/hate my life and myself too much to do that. I am more frustrated now that I have ever been, and I can just feel every single second of my existance taunting me. I've already lived about 1/4 of my life, and if I were to die tomorrow I would be really really disappointed with everything. I can see my end, whenever it is, and it is asfixiating me. I understand many things now that I didn't a month ago and they have lead me to a complete emotional overload. I feel like I could just explode at any minute. I love to feel...everything, it really makes me feel alive. But I can't handle THIS much of an overflow of everything. One word, adrenalin, it sounds to me like your body is producing tons of the stuff in reaction to your turmoin. When you get this feeling of overload, do something. Get out and just run, bike, whatever. When you have exhausted yourself, you will be able to think with better clarity. What was overwhelming with an adrenalin overload will often fall into place later. <!--QuoteBegin-Truthbearer I guess I am writing this more for myself than I am for you guys, but I truly just need to get this off my chest. Hopefully you will have some good advices, as you always do. I don't see a solution for this however, and I know that things are only going to get worse. I can't decieve myself by trying to live a normal life, and that is my only way out. I have tried too many times but I just can't allow myself to do that. I am holding myself back from everything, from all of life's most rewarding experiences. I stay back and just analyse it all. Always an observer and never a participant. I wish I would let myself live, but I guess I was never really meant to do much of that anyway. I feel the next few weeks will be critical...something big is going to happen. It is due. My reasoning deems it so...I won't be the same for long... It sounds to me a little bit like you need some kind of activity or purpose in life to funnel your creative energies into. Are there any local civic groups you can volunteer your time to? Boys club, habitat for humanity? I see in this last paragraph a serious source of conflict in you. Your soul is screaming out for purpose and to belong to something, but your mind is holding you back. I hope this helps a little bit. If you would like to talk in more offline, you can PM me.

[Lucius]

Life, no, existance itself is endlessly deep and no matter how much you dig you will always find out new stuff. This might be overwhelming if you just keep digging, and digging and digging. I know you like the matrix and the rabbit hole indeed goes very friggin deep!(actually, it has no end really) You will continously be learning and learning as you dig, and at some points you might not even know what the hell you are learning anymore, this happens to most people(if not all). And somebody peole just dig faster and they dont seem to take any breaks to enjoy your newly found knowlege/truth. I gues you are in state where you were digging too fast for yourself to keep up and took too little time. However, there is nothing wrong with that, as you indicate it seems you learned a great lot from it, the only thing you have to is reorder everything you've learned. And especially, take it easy..be natural. I learned alot from nature..just going with the flow will greatly help you. Dont go towards the wisdom, but let the wisdom come to you.. Lets say life/existance is a road. And as you learn and absorb knowledge and learn about your own truths, that would be considered moving along the path towards the end, the goal, enlightment, heaven, whatever. There are several ways of reaching the end of the road. You can run and run and run your lungs out and get there as quickly as possible and have it and be happy. But woulnt your soul be exausted by the time it got there? What if it instead walked in a relaxed way, stopping every now and then smelling the roses of the beautiful surroundings, and even straying away from your path to instead help out others walk along their path, and later return to your own..your soul would arrive in perfect condition, even better then it was before! Now Im not saying you are consiously running, and Im not even staying the above story makes any kind of sense because I dont know your eact situation..but, it might Dont think Im criticizing you or anything, you should also realize that its a good think that you are different from others. I know you might wish sometimes that you were not(I did aswell in the past) but ultimately you'll see that should be grateful. You see many things others never see! And yes, this might be hard from time to time because the things you see are not always as easy to deal with. Believe me I know..but in the end, you'll see that you learned alot from it, and you have a much firmer position in life, in existance even, then alot of others do. You will even look and say, hey..Im so glad I experienced what I did, I cant believe I actually wished at that point it was different.. I dont know..I could be wrong, Im not really the "observer" type but Im different from most people in many ways, and never do I wanna wish again to be "normal" I hope you'll find some roses along your road that can help you, whatever you believe in be with you Your DV presence is apreciated

[Awaken]

Bearer of Truth, I often feel the same way. My emotions and thoughts are getting more and more intense as time goes on, and I too feel on the brink of something. Not me personally, but humanity. Everything is speeding up at an alarming rate. It's that moment in a movie right before the big climax. It's the top of the rollercoaster. It's been a chain of events leading up to the final answer of certainty, and we're a part of it. What holds me back from giving up on life is the desire to know more, and I'm sure you feel the same way. Imagine if the world wasn't changing. Imagine if one day was no different than the next. What a boring pile of shit that would be It would be 1930 all over again. No wonder old people are crazy We're at the stage where we are constantly in a state of change. The collective consciousness is waking up and becoming aware of itself. The next few months and years will prove to be an intense shift in our ideas about reality. Just hold on! We are co-authors of this masterpiece, no matter how passive you feel. As shitty as the outlook for the world appears, this stage is absolutely necessary. Creation comes from imperfection. We will see the creation of something beautiful (provided we don't choke and die on the noxious fossil fuel fumes ) From http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~gte484v/wakin...television.html : Most of us spend our lives as if we're waiting for something to happen. We need to realize that something is happening; We are alive now! [or at least we think we are] To quote Dave Matthews, \"Let the rain come pouring in and wash out this tired notion that the best is yet to come. [from one of the most inspirational songs I've ever heard, \"Pig\"]\" Cherish the moments, the thoughts, the sensations, while you still can! [/b]

[LucidApple]

Truth, isnt it that you just need a purpose in your live? A form of satisfaction you miss at the moment in relation towards yourself. Because then u live more and analyse less! sorry to hear this all Hope u feel soon a bit better! Jeff

[Kaniaz]

I think the solution is to get a tea cosy and use it as a hedgehog drier.

[Amethyst Star]

Truthbearer, I've felt those days, believe me. I'm 19 and life has become rather overwhelming. Memories of things I don't want to recall pop up, and time and sleep have become a thing of the past. Originally posted by Truthbearer I just want to live a normal life...one in complete oblivion...like everyone else. Why did I have to bring this upon myself? I sometimes kind of wish I would have stopped myself before I was too late. That I would have drifted into the opinion and wish of the masses, of this society. It ilooks just so appealing to be confortably oblivious and numb. A normal life does not include oblivion. Kind of what you're talking about is the life of a vegetable and that is no life. It's our individual thoughts and memories and actions that makes this world the place it is. We can see the world as a place where we can live and learn and grow and enjoy ourselves, but it is a choice we must make. I went through that point where you feel like everything may be pitted against you. It took me about 4 years to realize that it's not. Life is great, and there are good things to come, and we have to remember that. Even this week I fell back into a "why me?" stage, but then I remembered my past and realized I didn't have to ask that question. I believe God put us all here on this earth for a purpose. I don't know what's going to happen or who I'm going to come across along the way, but in my heart I know that everything will turn out for the good. If I'm rambling I apologize. Keep in mind that if you ever want to rant, I'm here and I'll listen to whatever you need to get off of your chest. Anyway, I hope your day goes better. I know you'll be alright. You're a great guy and have been a friend to me while I've been here and I'm sure that's true with a lot of other ppl here. See you later! -Amé EDIT: I just read Seeker's post. Listen to that guy!

[LucidApple]

Yes Seekers post is good, but yours also Amethyst!

[sensi]

Hey Truthbearer, Although we have not met personally when I read your posts I can connect. I too am a person who thinks and feels more than the average person. I feel for you when you say you are on the edge. I too have been on the edge a few times even to the point of potentially not returning. I am more than happy to talk with you. Feel free to PM me any time. I can only share my experiences in the hope to help you deal with your own and to make you realize you are not alone. There are many people out there whom are different. "For in much wisdom is much vexation, and the more a man knows, the more he has to suffer" - Colin McCahon I use to feel the way in which that quote refers to. Now I feel blessed to have had the experiences I have had. They have led me to find an insight and compassion that I never thought was humanly possible. If we never delve deep into ourselves and our surroundings how would we ever see the truth. "Ignorance is bliss" - would you really want to be that way, I think not. Take comfort in the fact that you are aware; to me this can only be a positive thing. Take Care Peace Sensi.

[tryagain]

you know what? That reminds me of something. The way you fell so desperate and anxious of everything... kinda sounds like infatuation. Maybe not. You know what an infatuation is, right? It's when chemicals react and you start to like that person so badly and you feel like you can't live without that person, but the chemical dries up after a while and you start to slowly not get as desperate or something..... look it up.in google or something When I had this, I wanted to burn out all this bubbling in my stomach too. Doesn't sound too much like infatuation when I read the rest of the article. So did this "thing" happen suddenly, or did you do something?

[MSG]

Ah, yes... I feel this way too. Its like everybody is so used to the lifestyle that humans have designed for themselves. Go to work, pay taxes, go to sleep when it gets dark, wake up when it gets light, eat three meals a day. I say fəck it I believe that all of this could go away if i could fly... but i cant fly, but im working on it... if you can fly then PM me Well its only overwhelming if you let it be... when things get outta hand i draw stuff like that guy that you see to the left over there, and only SOMETIMES do i show it to people. The emotions that went into the reporter are now unleashed upon you all!! haha!!! But in all seroiusness, truthbearer, even if you suck at drawing and writing stories and such (which i dont know if you do or not...?) but it gets all that crap out of your system. Sorta like a landfill. If you post it on deviantart then people may interpret stuff from the drawings that you may have never indended but they see them. Well yeah i have a notebook of stories and drawings and its all secret and if anybody goes into it they will be overcome with anger and madness inverted from the drawings that it will probably make them like traumatized.. well you get the point. Just draw and make up stories...

[Truthbearer]

I would like to thank you guys very much for your responses, they have been truly inspiring and they made me feel much better. I am off from work in like 5 minutes, but I am working on a rather large response to a bit of what everyone say, perhaps further explaining a couple of the things I mentioned and clearing some stuff up. But I just wanted to thank you truly for your responses as I can see they are truly well thought out and you took a great deal of time to help someone in need.