Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I have wronged so many people and you know there is something I fear more than anything else....It's losing the people I hold dear.

The burden of guilt is so heavy on my shoulder.A weight so heavy I could collapse.I don't want to lose people due to my dicking...
I'm ashamed of myself and I would never forgive myself if those people were just gone,because of me.

This should be "National Brass Monkey Week"
Please bring in any brass monkeys you may have left out in the cold, They have feelings too you know

Omgomgomgomgomgomg you guys! Some DavidsTea arrived! Jasmine black pearls and three free samples! Much Joy! Very Happy!

heh, that used to be me too, Anju
Now I try to stick to just 2 things- something big like a blanket or throw and something small like a lanyard.

Astaroth, thanks a lot man. Now I have this song stuck in my head.

ColdCrisis

My rant is that I'm freezing and my right calf is still killing me. My step-daughter lives on the third floor of her apartment complex and I walked up and down a total of 8 times And this is from the other day when we went out to eat lol. It feels like I have a constant, minor charlie horse in that calf. Gosh, I'm out of shape.
I'm frrezing because I went out for pizza and tacos and I still don't own a proper pair of winter shoes. Wearing socks with my sandals usually does the trick but I don't know if the socks were thinner than usual or something but my toes were beet red by the time I got back home.

I slept all day today, in part, because my room was so cold. I kept waking but told myself it was too miserable to get out from under the covers
I had my heat on low and the temps dropped.

A minor rave is that Minecraft is working tolerably on my PC (laptop's still dead). I turned off light smoothing and I reduced rendering to 7 from 15 or so. I noticed I do something silly while I play the game. If an Enderman pops up, your character shouldn't look at it directly because it will attack you if you do. So while my character looks toward the floor, I myself actually lower my head and look downward as well. WTH I keep telling myself to knock it off and I do when I catch myself, but I automatically look down when one shows up.

Another rant is that I failed to save the life of a bird this morning. I kept hearing a faint chirp but I thought either my room was making noise, I was hearing things, or the bird was outside. I eventually heard a mewing cry and I ran out of my room, thinking something was wrong with one of the kittens. I saw our male, Paulie, carrying something. I called for him and saw it was a bird. then I followed him to see if there was any hope for it and not only was it a bird......... it was a Cardinal I had never seen one up close before and its colors were breath taking. But it was obviously dead, so I told Paulie he better eat it. He did. I hate it when the cats hunt critters but don't eat them. It's such a pointless waste.

What in the living fuck have I gotten myself in to????

Went to my first Maths lecture today.... I've pretty much failed already. I looked through the things we're going to learn and I have never even heard of them.
And also some of the things we are supposed to already know I have never done once.

University also sucks so far. I have not talked to one single person, at all. Well, I asked a girl if the lecture in the hall went for 2 hours, and she said yeah, which class are sposed to be in? etc. I'd written down the wrong day.... Just wasted so much time the first two days. Also got up late and didn't make it to two lectures.

I'm stressing pretty bad right now. And I don't even have the girl from work to help me out with the maths. Ugh....

^ go find some girl at the university to help you out with math.

Maybe you'll become friends

A minor rave is that Minecraft is working tolerably on my PC (laptop's still dead). I turned off light smoothing and I reduced rendering to 7 from 15 or so. I noticed I do something silly while I play the game. If an Enderman pops up, your character shouldn't look at it directly because it will attack you if you do. So while my character looks toward the floor, I myself actually lower my head and look downward as well. WTH I keep telling myself to knock it off and I do when I catch myself, but I automatically look down when one shows up.

Good Ol' Minecraft habits..

I have this bizarre feeling right now like I want to start off this post with both "Has it already been a whole week?" and "It's only been a fucking week?" and they would each accurately describe how I feel at the moment.

I really don't know what I get myself into sometimes.... Do you ever get that feeling like everything in life is becoming so intense and suffocating that you just need to run away and start again somewhere new? And I'm not even in the thick of it, I feel like such a cunt.... It's just really hard to watch someone else go through so much suffering knowing that literally nothing you've done to overcome those feelings for yourself can be used to help them....

I'm still trying to wrap my head around that trip too. I'm completely serious when I say that that trip revolutionized my life.... I'm never going to be the same again. Even up to just before this post I feel like I'm still piecing back together the pieces of my shattered consciousness. The shattering was a good thing... but the recovery process is slow. I feel like each shard I pick up is just yet another aspect of myself which had become lost among the rest, so now that they're in individual pieces again I'm just taking them one by one and saying "Oh, would you look at this?"

There's no such thing as an easy answer. The only way to go is to continue down the rabbit hole... but this isn't some game I'm playing... it's my life. When am I going to understand that? Does it even matter? There's only one way to find out....

Life is the real trip. Drugs and dreams got nothing on reality.

Now, to bed with you madam....

Originally Posted by tommo

What in the living fuck have I gotten myself in to????
And also some of the things we are supposed to already know I have never done once.....

Facing too many problems at once is like trying to herd cat's...... Prioritize, If you need one thing to get another, There is a given order to things...Go to the book shelf, Get the first one first...(forget the computer) The rest will fall into place,
Like your'e up for a pilot written test planning a cross country flight from Detroit to Tucumcari but you did not get the time,speed and distance right at first so it don't matter how you do the rest, You fail because you ran out of gas and crashed in Missouri, Just saying

My boss has suddenly quit the job. I don't want her to go. I feel so lost. I think I'm going to cry.

I've been having these panic attack all day and I'm really tired. So I called my boss and told her that I couldn't go to work experience tomorrow.
Because I had to go to a family meeting in Brussels. And she was like: 'Well, I really was expecting you to come but I don't want you to miss out on the meeting.'
She basically made it seem like if I didn't go to work, I would get bad grades for it. So I told her that I would come to tomorrow.
It's stressing me out so much omg.

My dreams have been so random lately.
This morning I had a dream where Anju, Zhaylin, Alyzarin and myself met at tommo's house.
And we all took the bus from melbourne to sydney. Where we ended up going for a swim at bondi beach and then I woke up.

Tommo I enter university without any maths/algebra knowledge as well as physics (ok, VERY little. Had a course which was 6 lessons). And pretty much 4/6th of my grading covers classes that have intense math or physics in it. I was scared I would fail and I remember getting a 3 for my first math test and I thought fuck this shit, I will fail this study and suck at life. But you know what? I'm doing fucking great to my amazement because of hard work. Well, I'll probaly fail my math test tomorrow though LOL. Fuck I didn't do shit on my week off. Still I made my navigation (damn that math) retest today and it went awesome! Fuck yeah.

So Alyzarin, are you ok? I hope you are. Redesicovering yourself can be great for your self-awareness though. And yes, you don't need drugs (not that I'm one to talk. I still smoke weed regularly about once a week down from everyday).


Also yes! This girl mailed me back, and she seems very interested. Huehuehue! *excited* Got to focus on school this week first though.

Originally Posted by Crashyy

I still don't know why I've gotten sick? Maybe because mixing vodka with beer isn't such a good idea?

Here's why;

Originally Posted by Crashyy

I had about 16 pints of beer and about 4 pints vodka mixed with coke.

That would put you at roughly the equivalent of 24 standard drinks. This happens to be an interesting figure because the lethal dose for 50% of the population who weigh 100kg is exactly 20-24 standard drinks over the course of 4 hours.
I've seen pictures of you and you are definitely not 100kg, I'd be willing to wager that your roughly 65kg. What you did was extremely dangerous and if it wasn't for the fact that you probably spaced your drinking out throughout the night you could have been in for much worse than puking in your dad's car.

Quickly summing up some figures in my head, you drank more than a pint of pure alcohol. Try to imagine that, what your body has to cope with. That is 1/10 of the amount of blood in your body.

I hope you can understand the severity of the situation, you should be thankful that all you had to do was clean your dads car. I have seen people in coma's for far less than what you drank..

Originally Posted by Crashyy

This morning I had a dream where Anju, Zhaylin, Alyzarin and myself met at tommo's house.
And we all took the bus from melbourne to sydney. Where we ended up going for a swim at bondi beach and then I woke up.

Oh wow that would be fun! Why do you all live so far away?

Originally Posted by tommo

Went to my first Maths lecture today.... I've pretty much failed already. I looked through the things we're going to learn and I have never even heard of them.
And also some of the things we are supposed to already know I have never done once.

Did you understand what was being said in the lecture you went to? Just study what you need to between lectures until you understand it. Math builds on itself slowly. I think you've mentioned you use Khan Academy. I actually use that guy's tutorials regularly if I don't understand something and find they're really helpful. I think it's best to take it one lecture at a time, making sure you know what was taught in the last lecture before the next. Don't get intimidated by what's in the middle of the syllabus. You aren't supposed to know about that stuff yet. And if you just can't understand something then I guess seek help. Or seek help right away if that's how you learn best. Do you have TAs and stuff where you live? Office hours of the teacher or TAs can be helpful.

---------

Oh and everyone who is drinking a lot and also tends to be depressed. It's common knowledge that drinking can make you depressed but quitting drinking would probably help your depression even more than you think. I drank a lot a couple years ago, as anyone who was around here at that time might remember. And I used life events as a reason to drink. I felt I was so depressed I couldn't deal with it sober, and it seemed everything, even having to deal with feeling like shit about being labelled an alcoholic, made me want to drink more. But now, I think, it was actually a well-disguised excuse. I wanted to drink because I was addicted to alcohol, but I almost romanticized it, fully believing I was only drinking because I was too miserable to deal with all this shit going on in my life without it. And of course the alcohol made the depression worse and continued the cycle.

Now I've been drinking an average of once a week or so, and only about 1/3 of those times do I get drunk. Well I definitely notice now, even when I don't get drunk, if I drink a decent amount, even over a short period of time, I don't really feel right the next day. It's not really that noticeable unless you know what to look for, but my mind doesn't work quite as well and I'm more susceptible to depression and other thought patterns that aren't fun. After a few days without any alcohol I feel relatively good.

Drinking (for me) has turned to something I only want to do occasionally, for fun. It really isn't something you want to get in the habit of doing. Maybe just force yourself to stop for a few days and see if you feel better. If you're addicted, you'll notice yourself making excuses to drink before the date you've set, and those excuses will even seem reasonable. If you find yourself drinking every night, please stop. Replace it with 'something else' if you have to. Life will probably get better.

Originally Posted by dutchraptor

Here's why;


That would put you at roughly the equivalent of 24 standard drinks. This happens to be an interesting figure because the lethal dose for 50% of the population who weigh 100kg is exactly 20-24 standard drinks over the course of 4 hours.
I've seen pictures of you and you are definitely not 100kg, I'd be willing to wager that your roughly 65kg. What you did was extremely dangerous and if it wasn't for the fact that you probably spaced your drinking out throughout the night you could have been in for much worse than puking in your dad's car.

Quickly summing up some figures in my head, you drank more than a pint of pure alcohol. Try to imagine that, what your body has to cope with. That is 1/10 of the amount of blood in your body.

I hope you can understand the severity of the situation, you should be thankful that all you had to do was clean your dads car. I have seen people in coma's for far less than what you drank..

Yeah, I'm about 65kg.
Whenever I go to a party, I usually drink about 15 pints of beer. I just shouldn't have drank the vodka and actually consider myself lucky

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Did you understand what was being said in the lecture you went to? Just study what you need to between lectures until you understand it. Math builds on itself slowly. I think you've mentioned you use Khan Academy. I actually use that guy's tutorials regularly if I don't understand something and find they're really helpful. I think it's best to take it one lecture at a time, making sure you know what was taught in the last lecture before the next. Don't get intimidated by what's in the middle of the syllabus. You aren't supposed to know about that stuff yet. And if you just can't understand something then I guess seek help. Or seek help right away if that's how you learn best. Do you have TAs and stuff where you live? Office hours of the teacher or TAs can be helpful.

Ya that's definitely the way. Also actually trying the math examples help a lot. People often forget how helpful TA's can be.

It's best to try clear your mind and as dianeva said focus purely on what is relevant, math is built in increments.

Aly, Anju, Tommo.

My rant is that my e-cigs are already dying They're supposed to be good for over 300 charges, so if I charged them once a day, they should have lasted a year. Right? Nope. I got about 3 months out of them. Which is still better than cigarettes in the long run but gah!
Also, I took my daughter and her roommate shopping earlier this afternoon and they took 2 friggin hours *RAWR* They go shopping for a month then pick up littler purchases every week. It's never taken them that long before though. I'm only running on 4 hours of poor sleep so I'm even more impatient than usual.

Awesome dream, Crashy! I could've used to good dream like that. Instead, I dreamed a cat was getting chopped up by my engine and after I turned the car off I stood outside with my hands covering my ears and wailing loudly to try to cover its death wails. Wth? I dreamed that because when I went to the store yesterday, there were animal tracks going under my car and I was afraid it was in my engine
Then I dreamed I was a ghost or something saying the words a warrior was saying when he was trying to make peace with Celtics. A couple of battles were of him hitting a female warrior in the head with a baseball That doesn't even make sense, brain

Other than that, it's starting to warm up again so, hopefully, the shower is thawed and I can take a shower. My calf hurts a little less today so that's good too
I'm loving my new Minecraft town. I played the hard way (but on easy difficulty lol) for a couple of days. I spent most of my time making tools and trying to find coal, so I finally broke down and cheated. I've yet to find any sheep though There's tons of horses and donkeys near me and I finally found some pigs. I prefer playing without cheats but I enable them whenever I'm putting a roof on my house. It's not that I *can't* build one without cheats, it's just so friggin tedious.
I also put 4 villagers in my town. All of them are blacksmiths. wth. There's usually more variety than that
Time to get back to the game.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

---------

Oh and everyone who is drinking a lot and also tends to be depressed. It's common knowledge that drinking can make you depressed but quitting drinking would probably help your depression even more than you think. I drank a lot a couple years ago, as anyone who was around here at that time might remember. And I used life events as a reason to drink. I felt I was so depressed I couldn't deal with it sober, and it seemed everything, even having to deal with feeling like shit about being labelled an alcoholic, made me want to drink more. But now, I think, it was actually a well-disguised excuse. I wanted to drink because I was addicted to alcohol, but I almost romanticized it, fully believing I was only drinking because I was too miserable to deal with all this shit going on in my life without it. And of course the alcohol made the depression worse and continued the cycle.

Now I've been drinking an average of once a week or so, and only about 1/3 of those times do I get drunk. Well I definitely notice now, even when I don't get drunk, if I drink a decent amount, even over a short period of time, I don't really feel right the next day. It's not really that noticeable unless you know what to look for, but my mind doesn't work quite as well and I'm more susceptible to depression and other thought patterns that aren't fun. After a few days without any alcohol I feel relatively good.

Drinking (for me) has turned to something I only want to do occasionally, for fun. It really isn't something you want to get in the habit of doing. Maybe just force yourself to stop for a few days and see if you feel better. If you're addicted, you'll notice yourself making excuses to drink before the date you've set, and those excuses will even seem reasonable. If you find yourself drinking every night, please stop. Replace it with 'something else' if you have to. Life will probably get better.

I was like that too back in the day and now I have not smelled a cork in 25 years, Needless to say the last 25 years were the most prosperous and rewarding..Now while all the other old farts are sitting in the VFW rotting their livers I'm out catching catfish.

Originally Posted by Crashyy

My dreams have been so random lately.
This morning I had a dream where Anju, Zhaylin, Alyzarin and myself met at tommo's house.
And we all took the bus from melbourne to sydney. Where we ended up going for a swim at bondi beach and then I woke up.

I definitely expected that to go in a different direction lol.

Sounds fun, we should make this happen.

Originally Posted by Athylus

So Alyzarin, are you ok? I hope you are. Redesicovering yourself can be great for your self-awareness though. And yes, you don't need drugs (not that I'm one to talk. I still smoke weed regularly about once a week down from everyday).

Yeah, I'm doing alright.... I was really scatterbrained when I wrote that last post. I'm feeling better now though. Thanks, Athylus. A lot of things about life are just... very difficult right now. It's a very complicated situation. (It took like a good eight or nine hours to explain it in great detail to a friend while drunk... and that was when it was simpler than it is now.) But, life goes on....

Oh, the trip was wonderful... and it really has been so helpful in that way. The thing is that during the trip, as I was just starting to piece myself back together, my extremely euphoric mood and mystical state of mind was causing me to only piece together the good aspects of my self-concept, and since that trip truly did just obliterate all of the issues I was dealing with, it left me in this state where literally everything felt perfect, like my cognitive slate was wiped completely clean.... Now that there's actually been some time since the experience, I've been coming across the bad aspects that were lost in the haze as well. Overcoming one set of issues opens up paths so many new corners of life, but on those paths new issues bubble to the surface, so you're just back where you started... sort of like a fractal. Of course, that's putting it simply.... An enormous amount of progress was made, and now I just have fodder for round two.

Hehe, well I was merely observing that life is already insane on its own.... That doesn't mean I don't want the drugs too. Congrats on not smoking as much though.... I have been meaning to cut back on that a little bit still but failing. I think this was day two. Was....

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Aly, Anju, Tommo.

Zhay. :3

Sorry about your e-cigs. Do you get some kind of warranty on those things?

-----

Rant: Erm... uhhhh.... Nothing really....

I think I need to get some selegiline. I have... well, let's just say some grand plans in mind....

Aly my week was much of the same. without the mind blowing, life shattering trip. but I've never needed that to be confused, or ambivalent or anything else of the sort...

I do this thing where I take responsibility for other peoples emotional well-being all the time. Such pressure, much bad for your own emotional well-being. not to mention the fact that people don't care anyway. blahhhh. You will always wake up from a dream. But you will never wake up from reality. It is not a rabbit hole, it is a black hole. One can only hope that whatever is on the other side is worth it. I'm usually pretty positive, but its easy to get comfortable on the dark side when you simply don't want to see what's going on anymore. That's right. I'm going to get my Hellen Keller on for a while. Rant over.

Zhaylin what brand do you use? I've had my eGo Ce4s for about 6 months now and couldn't recommend them highly enough!

Rave: I've had 2 extremely vivid LD's this past week, I woke up thinking I was in a different place entirely. and I'm super thankful I was already a world class daydreamer, I feel like my dream control is exceptional as a result. in other news, my doc bumped me up to Dexedrine, which is basically more potent Adderall. I was worried that it would suppress my REM sleep cycles significantly, but it either hasn't or the lack of REM sleep is increasing the intensity of my dreams when I actually get the chance. Also explains why I'm up at 4:30 haha

Thanks Aly
No warranty, unfortunately.

Zacsby, I use one Tripl3 eGo and one TastyPuff. They've been leaking a little so I've wondered if that's killing the battery. When I unscrew the tank to recharge them, there's often e-juice between the battery and tank
I've not seen the Tripl3 at my tobacco store for a couple of months. Perhaps they were faulty.

My rant is that I've been feeling like an insecure teen about my step-daughter. I hadn't heard from her so I thought, "Wow, I really did make her uncomfortable." I wanted to make her feel better, not worse, so I thought about emailing her again... but that would've been "desperate" and would have made the email about me instead of her. I haven't been dwelling on it, but the thoughts did run through my mind yesterday.
When I went to sleep, I dreamed I was at an opera. But I couldn't stay awake in the dream I kept rolling about on the floor and singing along (quietly or lip-syncing) to my favorite songs (Phantom of the Opera). There was a lot more drama to the dream that I've since forgotten (something about a missing kid named Riley). Then the dream flashed to me opening a package at home. It was from my step-daughter. She wrote me a letter saying she was angry at me for making a fool of myself at the Opera. But she also sent an Everquest game which was just confusing.

I woke and checked my email. I had a message from her *whew* All is well. She had just forgotten the password to the account I mailed and had been using a different account instead. She might have never gotten my message if she hadn't remembered the password

Another rant is that I slept like crud last night. I only got 4 hours day before yesterday so I crashed hard last night and got 9 1/2 hours in. But I was overheated. I tossed and turned to an extreme. I was drenched in sweat. I kept waking up, sitting up or changing direction then I'd fall asleep again
And the shower wasn't working yesterday and still isn't this morning. Gah! I desperately need one.

Omg Alyzarin now I understand why you wanted to go back to that world full of vibrating colors and fractals and holy fuck DMT. Can't even imagine how hyperspace is.