Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I've just realized that the following happens to me a lot. I'm confronted with something, whether a particular image, song, object, smell, video, place, person, thought or some other type of situation. I know that this thing is supposed to make me feel a certain way, because I always have in the past or I have some investment in having that reaction. But often, I realize I can't feel what I expect to feel, and then feel a sense of loss while I try to feel it and don't succeed. I don't usually consciously notice any of this. I'm so dedicated to the reaction I'm supposed to have, I sometimes trick myself into thinking I'm having that reaction, by simply forming the appropriate thoughts without any feeling to back them up, because the fact that I'm not really feeling anything doesn't fit with my view of myself.

For example, a few years ago while in a bad depression I used to look at the stars a lot and felt this sense of profoundness. I'd take in the beauty and try to comprehend how far away the stars were and how small it made me feel, how insignificant everything that happened really was. I told myself then that I'd feel that again whenever I look at the stars, even after my depression was gone. But now, whenever I look at the stars, I don't feel a thing. Yet I almost always convince myself that I do. I purposely slow down my thoughts, mimicking being lost in awe. But I'm really not. The stars just look like a bunch of uninteresting dots in the sky.

This example took a long time, but there are many others. I expect an unexpected specific memory of being with my ex to bring me pain so I think I'm feeling that pain, since that used to be what my reaction was, but if I were to really concentrate I'd realize it barely made me feel anything anymore. A song might once have made me feel a certain way which I want so badly to feel again in the moment, so I listen to it, but I don't feel anything no matter how hard I try. A lot of the time, I want to feel something because if I don't I feel heartless, like there must be something wrong with me. For example, what made me think of this topic originally was GrannyPigms' post above mine, which expresses discontent with the fact that anyone might not share his appreciation of space. It happens a lot with things like that, that I know are supposed to be beautiful, like if I look at a sunset, I expect to find it beautiful, but to be honest, I often don't. Or the opposite, when I hear about intense suffering, I expect myself to be devastated, and if I were to admit that I'm not I'd feel cold hearted.

And what might be the worst part is, even when I do feel something genuinely, I'm so happy about the fact that I'm feeling something so strongly, that I begin to exaggerate it until it isn't even sincere anymore. It's like I start observing myself feeling whatever I am from the outside, imagining whatever is going on like it's a story and I'm just a character I'm reading about. And of course at that point, I'm not even feeling what I was, but I still imagine that I am. Can anyone relate to this?

That might be mostly just due to age. I know when I passed into adulthood there was a sort of dulling of intensity of feelings, Example, certain songs that used to really get me all fired up just didn't do it anymore. Don't beat yourself up over it, it's just a fact of life - youth and hormones make feeling extra intense and as you get older that fades a bit. About the things like looking at the stars and not feeling anything - that's the kind of thing that sometimes you'll feel profound and excited, and sometimes not, I think it depends on your mood at the time and how you're thinking about the stars.

I don't mean to imply that all feeling is just gone or severely dulled. But the intensity of it does diminish overall. You said you recently went through 'the time change', where your sense of time passing sped up. I think the two are probably related.

Originally Posted by GrannyPigms

1. Why the HELL can't night come any faster?!

2. Why the HELL don't people get why space is beautiful?!

3. Why the HELL are people like me ruining the Earth?!

4. Why the HELL are people complete jackasses to each other for no reason?!

I'm done now.

Why the HELL did you say HELL so many times?

It's 3:30 in the morning, and the birds are chirping, and it is so hot that I have to sleep with the window open. I can read a book by the light coming through my curtains. I know it's midsummer and far north and all that, but SHUT! THE FUCK! UP!!! And turn off the light!

This is highly unusual for me, but I'm a little drunk. Now I'm all weepy and tired, and STILL I somehow have the presence of mind to keep myself from over-sharing. And to correct my typos. Aren't you glad?

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Can anyone relate to this?

yep

Still being name called over and over again by my closest friend....my hubby. When will this ever end? I think never and he will never change his ways. I just want him to leave already so i can find peace with myself again. I know once my daughter goes to school i will be the one taking her there often, for he has no interest in going out and his self esteem is low and he puts it on me which i don't want or need!

Originally Posted by hathor28

Still being name called over and over again by my closest friend....my hubby. When will this ever end? I think never and he will never change his ways. I just want him to leave already so i can find peace with myself again. I know once my daughter goes to school i will be the one taking her there often, for he has no interest in going out and his self esteem is low and he puts it on me which i don't want or need!

Tell him that. .-.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

Tell him that. .-.

I do.....but he acts like i'm joking like he don't believe what i say.

Set him on fire? .-.

Originally Posted by Amurehna

This is highly unusual for me, but I'm a little drunk. Now I'm all weepy and tired, and STILL I somehow have the presence of mind to keep myself from over-sharing. And to correct my typos. Aren't you glad?

I'm glad you're drunk, but I'm not too sure about that over-sharing. Hey, how about I pour you another? Here, take it.

Hathor, your husband sounds like he isn't ready to handle this kind of life yet. I think I've seen you complaining about it before. I really don't want to put my nose in someone's else relationship, so good luck figuring things out.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

Set him on fire? .-.

LOL i wish.

How people react to mentally-handicapped children and teenagers pisses me off so much. There's this one individual who falls under that spectrum, and the adults applaud him for being able to hum to the tune of a song. Although I understand that in the perspective of that kid, it seems nice that others are being glad he's progressing a bit more, but ultimately, with the situation he's in, he most likely will never have a decent life with a family.

It's as if they're entrusting so much expectations that this kid will get through, even though he's been like this for all his life. I guess I won't know how it is to truly love a child unconditionally until I have one myself, but even if I were to try and empathize for these particular parents, it's almost impossible to find any good in their actions. They always end up telling the child to avoid everyone and either go to me so I have to deal with him, or that he gets scolded for no reason. The thing is, the scolding itself clearly doesn't phase the child, but of course his father can easily make the child calm down and not act sporadically, but when he's gone, back to the same person he usually is.

So when they want to have fun and have a good time, the child is nothing but a distraction to them, but if the child comes in when they're drunk with less inhibitions, they'll accept him when they hear him hum tunes. It's almost disheartening and depressing that a mentally-handicapped child humming to the tune of a song, and their less inhibited state of being, they are somehow to alleviate themselves of their contradicting logic towards him. It's so amazing how a liquid can do that to you, to temporarily make yourself think things are better only to go back to treating the child like shit when you're sober.

It's like to them, they're so horrible even in laughter and joy around this kid.

Sometimes I wonder:

If the drinking makes you so happy with your child, then why the fuck are you so sad, angry, threatening, after it? Especially when someone like that kid who can barely even conceive simple speech is going to live a life of being in a trapped shell of incompetence. It reminds me a lot of this song,





I understand that people need their ways of just relaxing and having a good time, you have a short life, might as well do your best to be happy, but when it's like this....it's disgusting.

Truly, truly disgusting.

I guess I don't like alcohol or drugs because of how I observe others with them. It's not that I have hatred for the substances and/or liquids, it's just how seeing people for who they really are is what makes me feel a bit depressed at times. At least act like you're happy rather than showing so many slips that you're really not. Seriously.

I admit I have my own problems with the child, but that's when he used to be around me too much before finally being able to go with the adults. And he's usually more quiet and reasonable around me as well.

But what am I to worry about in the first place? He's not my kid, I'm not responsible for his competence or building it up, it's their responsibility, but again, I could never avoid something like this. It's almost as if I care too much about the conditions of people like this, but don't we all need some grip on reality, even if it's something bitter like this? *rubs head*

Originally Posted by Athylus

I'm glad you're drunk, but I'm not too sure about that over-sharing. Hey, how about I pour you another? Here, take it.

Hathor, your husband sounds like he isn't ready to handle this kind of life yet. I think I've seen you complaining about it before. I really don't want to put my nose in someone's else relationship, so good luck figuring things out.

Oh ya but he assumes he's ready for it, he sticks around just to prove it but it's all fail.

You know what scares me? The fear that my child may be born with some sort of mental or physical handicap. I'll love 'em all the same, but they're going to go through hell growing up, and I'm always going to feel like it's my fault.

I've had this fear since like 4th grade, where we had a disabled child in the class. That, and dying before I'm able to do something with my life and have a family of my own is what scares me the most.

@ hathor: Have him sit down and listen. List off the things that bother you, and why they bug you. If he plays it off as a joke, tell him to be serious. If need be, think about seeing a marriage counselor?

Originally Posted by GavinGill

@ hathor: Have him sit down and listen. List off the things that bother you, and why they bug you. If he plays it off as a joke, tell him to be serious. If need be, think about seeing a marriage counselor?

Sigh, i tried everything, i told him when last time we argued like months ago while he was drunk, because only when he's drunk his beans spills off. He always talks on top of me he has a bad habit of doing that which makes the marriage actually useless to even go to a counselor when one can't listen or even stop to listen it's useless.
I got so mad and i cried and told him straight up, that i'm going to write everything down about why he makes me feel in what way and how and for what. I wrote a brief note to him to read because he was keeping on and on with his stupid useless argument which had no end in sight to finish (this is why he drinks less now, but once he does God help me!) He literaly kills me with his egotistic arguments that goes on for an hour, and it would be about ANYTHING! While i gave him this note about how i feel, you know what he did/said? "I don't want to read that! and i don't care!" So he throws the paper far away.
This was the truth on my face, that he doesn't care of how i feel, he is a selfish egotistic nuthead! Cares all but himself, and soon i will treat him the same.
And if anything comes up about me doing bad, like cheating or what ever, if he tells me why did you do it? I will say back, I DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL AND I DON'T CARE! GO HOME!
And i be feeling proud because this prick is not human to me anymore.
ALL I KNOW IS HE IS WAITING FOR ME TO CHEAT SO HE CAN HAVE AN EXCUSE TO GO BACK HOME AND BAD MOUTH ME ON HOW A WHORE, SLUT BITCH I AM FOR CHEATING. IDC GO! HE DGAF HE RIDICULES ME EVERYDAY! I LOSE WEIGHT AND HE SAYS I STILL HAVEN'T CHANGED! AND I LOST 10POUNDS AND I AM LOOKING SEXY AS HELL AND HE IS DOWN GRADING ME FOR BEING THIS WAY! ARRRRRGH!
He ridicules me of everything i do, my clothes, what i wear, how i do things, my family, my own body, and how i do my hair when i style it.
He still wants me to lose more weight, and i say no i lost enough, like does he want me to be a stick? Hell no!
All i know about his ex gf, i know he probably LIED TO ME AND SAID A MADE UP STORY...ALL GUYS DO..TO COVER UP THEIR BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! He told me his ex gf took prozac and she was a very depressed person and would cut herself!!!and he said fuck this shit and he left her for that! PROZAC MY ASS! HE FUCKED HER BRAIN UP! HELL NO HE AINT FUCKIN WITH ME CUZ I AM A STRONG ASS WOMAN!
AND OTHER MESSED UP RELATIONSHIPS THAT ENDED UP WITH THE WOMAN TO CHEAT ON HIM AND OR SLEPT WITH HIS BFF GUY FROM CHILDHOOD AND HE SAID SHE DID THAT TO HURT HIM!
HE'S A MESSED UP GUY, MAKES WOMAN NUTS, HES THOSE TYPES OF EGOTISTICAL NUTHEAD SELF ABSORBED DRAMA QUEEN!
THERE! ITS ALL OUT NOW I CAN SEE THE TRUTH AND I'M LOVING IT! HE CAN'T SCREW WITH ME AND IDC IF HE WILL TELL ABOUT ME TO HIS OTHER GF HE WILL HAVE NEXT, 4 LOOONG YEARS AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I CHEATED EH? TRY AND COME UP WITH A STORY FOR THAT DIPSHIT!!!
NOW THAT'S A FUCKING RANT!!!

Maybe, when he's sober, talk about separating if you don't think it's gong to work out? If all he does is bring you down, then do you really wanna put up with it? =/

Originally Posted by GavinGill

Maybe, when he's sober, talk about separating if you don't think it's gong to work out? If all he does is bring you down, then do you really wanna put up with it? =/

I don't put up with anything! I certainly don't like mind games either which he does do! and oh, he does joke about getting a new wife, he repeatedly says so, but i know that's what he wants! He also jokes about divorce a lot...which shows many red flags! Oh and i saw his ex gf once, the one who cutted herself, she was skinny as a stick and i bet he had something to do with it, i asked him if she is fine currently he said "ya she's better now that she has a better bf now and shes off the meds"
OMFG WHAT A FUCKIN DOUCHBAG PRICK MOFO! HE MAKES WOMEN NUTS! NOT ME, UH UH NOPE! IM FINE AND DANDY STILL AND HES THE ONE GOING NUTS AND I LOVE IT WHEN HE DOES GO MAD WHEN HE DOESNT GET HIS WAY.

Originally Posted by hathor28

Sigh, i tried everything, i told him when last time we argued like months ago while he was drunk, because only when he's drunk his beans spills off. He always talks on top of me he has a bad habit of doing that which makes the marriage actually useless to even go to a counselor when one can't listen or even stop to listen it's useless.
I got so mad and i cried and told him straight up, that i'm going to write everything down about why he makes me feel in what way and how and for what. I wrote a brief note to him to read because he was keeping on and on with his stupid useless argument which had no end in sight to finish (this is why he drinks less now, but once he does God help me!) He literaly kills me with his egotistic arguments that goes on for an hour, and it would be about ANYTHING! While i gave him this note about how i feel, you know what he did/said? "I don't want to read that! and i don't care!" So he throws the paper far away.
This was the truth on my face, that he doesn't care of how i feel, he is a selfish egotistic nuthead! Cares all but himself, and soon i will treat him the same.
And if anything comes up about me doing bad, like cheating or what ever, if he tells me why did you do it? I will say back, I DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL AND I DON'T CARE! GO HOME!
And i be feeling proud because this prick is not human to me anymore.
ALL I KNOW IS HE IS WAITING FOR ME TO CHEAT SO HE CAN HAVE AN EXCUSE TO GO BACK HOME AND BAD MOUTH ME ON HOW A WHORE, SLUT BITCH I AM FOR CHEATING. IDC GO! HE DGAF HE RIDICULES ME EVERYDAY! I LOSE WEIGHT AND HE SAYS I STILL HAVEN'T CHANGED! AND I LOST 10POUNDS AND I AM LOOKING SEXY AS HELL AND HE IS DOWN GRADING ME FOR BEING THIS WAY! ARRRRRGH!
He ridicules me of everything i do, my clothes, what i wear, how i do things, my family, my own body, and how i do my hair when i style it.
He still wants me to lose more weight, and i say no i lost enough, like does he want me to be a stick? Hell no!
All i know about his ex gf, i know he probably LIED TO ME AND SAID A MADE UP STORY...ALL GUYS DO..TO COVER UP THEIR BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM! He told me his ex gf took prozac and she was a very depressed person and would cut herself!!!and he said fuck this shit and he left her for that! PROZAC MY ASS! HE FUCKED HER BRAIN UP! HELL NO HE AINT FUCKIN WITH ME CUZ I AM A STRONG ASS WOMAN!
AND OTHER MESSED UP RELATIONSHIPS THAT ENDED UP WITH THE WOMAN TO CHEAT ON HIM AND OR SLEPT WITH HIS BFF GUY FROM CHILDHOOD AND HE SAID SHE DID THAT TO HURT HIM!
HE'S A MESSED UP GUY, MAKES WOMAN NUTS, HES THOSE TYPES OF EGOTISTICAL NUTHEAD SELF ABSORBED DRAMA QUEEN!
THERE! ITS ALL OUT NOW I CAN SEE THE TRUTH AND I'M LOVING IT! HE CAN'T SCREW WITH ME AND IDC IF HE WILL TELL ABOUT ME TO HIS OTHER GF HE WILL HAVE NEXT, 4 LOOONG YEARS AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I CHEATED EH? TRY AND COME UP WITH A STORY FOR THAT DIPSHIT!!!
NOW THAT'S A FUCKING RANT!!!

This sounds pretty bad. Why do you stay with him? If neither of you feel good about one another at all, then why not get a divorce?

Originally Posted by Dianeva

A lot of the time, I want to feel something because if I don't I feel heartless, like there must be something wrong with me. For example, what made me think of this topic originally was GrannyPigms' post above mine, which expresses discontent with the fact that anyone might not share his appreciation of space. It happens a lot with things like that, that I know are supposed to be beautiful, like if I look at a sunset, I expect to find it beautiful, but to be honest, I often don't. Or the opposite, when I hear about intense suffering, I expect myself to be devastated, and if I were to admit that I'm not I'd feel cold hearted.

And what might be the worst part is, even when I do feel something genuinely, I'm so happy about the fact that I'm feeling something so strongly, that I begin to exaggerate it until it isn't even sincere anymore. It's like I start observing myself feeling whatever I am from the outside, imagining whatever is going on like it's a story and I'm just a character I'm reading about. And of course at that point, I'm not even feeling what I was, but I still imagine that I am. Can anyone relate to this?

I don't think anyone really responded to this part of your post. I feel this way and I don't think it has anything to do with getting older. I've always felt this way. But the thing is, I've realized that it's all bullshit. Not every sunset is going to blow your mind, and most people in the world won't even notice when a good one slips by. I know you just want to experience that level of greatness that you hear people talk about, but I think that's just like expecting every single new song you hear to be fantastic and then being disappointed when they aren't. The real beautiful sunsets are only special because they're such rare occurrences. But in the end, it doesn't matter anyway because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You're not required to like a sunset just because someone else does.

Hearing about suffering is a bit more emotional of an issue, I definitely get that, but even still it doesn't make you heartless just because you don't feel that way. Those of us who can look tragedy in the face and not flinch are the ones who are going to survive the zombie apocalypse. Again, just because you don't live up to your idea of the stereotypical maximum reaction, someone who just falls apart from the news in this case, doesn't mean that you're somehow lesser than they are. And I would bet money that would choose for the tragedies never to happen if you could, regardless of what level of emotional display you might show at hearing about them. Just because your emotions don't own you doesn't mean you don't care.

As for the last point, yeah. It sucks. Despite everything I've just said, I can understand the desperate desire to feel life at that high emotional level. But you can't change who you are, and you shouldn't have to anyway because there's nothing wrong with you. It's not at all different than feeling like you're "not good enough" because you're something like nerdy or fat and you're used to society and fiction, especially the latter, telling you that you don't fit in. You're just different from some other people, and nothing else. There's no inherently good or bad meaning behind it, there's no correct blueprint, we're all just test subjects to our own unique designs. You should just focus on being you and getting to know yourself well enough so you can feel at your absolute best, not living up to some impossible to define proper way to live.

-----

I had a rants, but they passed. They were really just my subconscious muddling up my thoughts with its reward-seeking needs. It's right though, some human contact would be wonderful right now.

Fuck, it's already 4:20 AM. Is this all because I drank like three sodas with caffeine in them tonight? I mean I don't think caffeine anymore so I guess it was sort of a lot comparatively, but still, geez....

Ah well, time to smoke a bowl and hit the sack.

It's 4:20am here too but it's actually 2 hours later because I'm 2 hours ahead. :/

Thank you for that post. I also need to go to bed, so although I have thoughts on it I'll reply later anything that seems important.

There's something really nice about playing Penumbra, which I just did for about 4-5 hours. There is some horror, it is a horror game. But truthfully most of it isn't spent in fear. You're usually walking around, with some fear, exploring, taking in the tragic stuff you see, dead things and gloomy hallways, knowing everyone's dead... So what I like about it is hard to explain. You'd think it would be bad, that no one would like to play games like that since the experience is negative. I have a few ideas about why I like playing it, and I'm guessing they're all reasons to some extent.
1) The same reason people like watching horror movies, but more intensely since it's interactive. That is, you get to feel the adrenalin rushes and other effects of being panicked that you would if your life was really in danger, but you know you're safe.
2) After playing it and returning to my own life, my life doesn't seem as bad.
3) The beauty of hopelessness. The character is in about the worst situation imaginable, and yet he continues. I don't know how to explain it but this feeling like, you've lost everything and somehow it's beautiful. I don't know whether that's because some small amount of light (like his will to keep living and trying) is being held on to, or there is no light left at all so nothing matters, and that's neither good nor bad.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

This sounds pretty bad. Why do you stay with him? If neither of you feel good about one another at all, then why not get a divorce?

Separation,.divorce has too much legal papers going on and lawyers fees etc.

Originally Posted by hathor28

Separation,.divorce has too much legal papers going on and lawyers fees etc.

And staying with him results in far too much emotional distress and mental trauma.

If you don't have any children, get the marriage annulled by claiming you two haven't consummated the marriage yet. If you have children, then see a marriage counselor and figure things out - either patch things up if possible, or ask them how to go about the separation process.

Or continue as is and grow more miserable as the days pass. In which case, good luck.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

And staying with him results in far too much emotional distress and mental trauma.

If you don't have any children, get the marriage annulled by claiming you two haven't consummated the marriage yet. If you have children, then see a marriage counselor and figure things out - either patch things up if possible, or ask them how to go about the separation process.

Or continue as is and grow more miserable as the days pass. In which case, good luck.

We have a daughter, she's 3 and i don't want her around him either, he's a bad influence on her, morally. Thanks for trying to help, but all i did was figure it out myself and know this won't last long like this and separation is soon to happen.