Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

My sleep schedule is fecked up.

I GOT A WISDOM TOOTH TAKEN OUT TODAY IT WAS HORRIBLE AND I WAS AWAKE.

I am in so much pain I am not going to attract any male species looking like the train wreck I do uGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE

Dave and Castles.

Feel better soon Castles!! Having teeth pulled or otherwise removed sucks ESPECIALLY if you're in any way aware or feel it happening!!
Avoid drinking through a straw and smoking (if you do) for a several days.

I am currently ranting in a humorous sort of way toward my hubby. That man can be a real Kook at times. He sent me 2 youtube videos:
ILLUMINATI HUMAN SACRIFICES AT THE LONDON 2012 OLYMPICS - THE RAMPAGE MERELY STARTS IN LONDON!!! - YouTube
Red Ice Radio - Various Guests - 2012 Olympics Special - YouTube

He's a conspiracy nut. But this stuff is especially over my head. All the symbolism? All the assumptions? (We all know how I feel about assumptions lol) If someone tries to find meaning in anything, if they look long enough they'll see it even if it's not real.
I'm 45 minutes into the second link. It's extremely interesting, I'll give it that... But it's also disturbing in that I may REALLY be more cut off from the world than I thought. Has the Vatican REALLY said there are aliens and that they're our "brothers in Christ"? According to these guys (in the videos) it's something that CNN and Fox ect have been reporting for some time now.
There have been frequent "UFO" sightings in London lately (the Youtubers acknowledge it could also be military aircraft etc)??
I read CNN every single day and I've not heard anything about any of this stuff.

Perhaps I should break down and fix my Cable lol.

I finally gave in and took a Nuvigil at midnight. It's my goal to stay up all night and all day tomorrow so I can get to bed at an early hour and be fresh for my time in the woods come Monday... But I'm still very sleepy lol
Blah...

All Aly thank you so much ^.^ I do not smoke =) my father does and he's dying from it so I kind grown up around it/seen the effects & deterioration of a person. And ahh your husband sounds just like me. I was looking at al the symbolism too

Sorry to hear about your father. I think I already knew that but it slipped my mind Curse my memory!

Which is one reason I can't get into symbolism lol I call my hubby a kook with greatest affection. It's who he is even if I think he's out there some times
I'm still watching that second video. The last guy sounded so high (maybe just nervous) that he spoke in circles to an extreme. Toward the end of his part of the interview, though, he started pulling it together.
Personally, I love numerology but I don't see it everywhere. I can add up anything and have it come out to a number I want.
I am extremely skeptical when it comes to such things.

Especially after I looked up the Vatican comment and learned it was back in 2008 and it was said aliens are "possible". The guys in the interview made it out to be a sort of factual and recent admission. (Or I just heard it that way)
Humorously enough, that lead to a link about the so-called recent UFO sightings. The people in the link are believers and think all this "false flag" talk is just people trying to poison their minds. One commentor said most people wont believe it even if real contact is made but they have to stay strong in their beliefs. While on the other side of the conspiracy, others say the supposed false flag attack will make people believe even though it will just be a hologram or somesuch

Zhaylin If he likes those Illuminati Videos tell him to watch Rik Clay Red Ice Interviews.


Here they are http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n64KRlWXyA4

Wow Feel like an Idiot, only watched the first video just got to the second... It mentions rik clay.... and has his work... hahaha.

Rant: I can't keep up with this thread o.o

Originally Posted by Abra

Oh god the arancini sounds so good.

Staying on topic, that's actually a complaint. I, er, can't think of a way to fry them (without a deep-fryer).

:U

You can bake them aswell with a similar result, both work great .

Rant: I had the worst headache yesterday, andn ow I have to read to pages of rants to find out whats goin on

hehe, Dutch and LittleZoe. Perhaps the thread should have been called "Rants and Rambles" We do seem to go off on a lot of tangents lol

Glad you're feeling better, DutchRaptor!

My rant is that I crashed fast and hard again this morning. I can only read what I wrote in my Log because I know what it's supposed to say "4AM Bed". I just woke up at 9:30
I crashed with only 15 minutes left for the video in the second link

lol, no worries, Zera. At least they're memorable enough for you to even mention
As far as symbolism goes, I always connect the Rainbow as a symbol of the gay pride movement or "embrace diversity" bumper stickers. I am unfamiliar with its connection as a means of transportation or communication.

My rant is fleas. The little bastards usually don't jump on me when I'm in my chair. Now they do. And now they're actually biting me, though it's still uncommon.
Also, the weather has changed and Intellicast is calling for Isolated Thuderstorms the entire time I'm to be in the woods SO be it. I'm not waiting on the weather.

Well, time for a massive post responding to people. You've been warned.

Originally Posted by Wolfwood

My rant: I spread my interest everywhere instead of focusing on one thing at a time.... hence I get nothing done. Is it all that bad? Naa, probably not, but it's all I've got.

Man, that's so me. I have so many interests and hobbies, and never enough time for them all. It's rare for me to even finish a video game. Those are BUILT to be addictive, but nope, distracted and on to the next thing.

Originally Posted by tommo

hehe, well uh, thanks man
I don't know, I guess I've been through quite a bit, but recently I was thinking about why I can relate to so many things people here talk about, and I figured out that I really mostly just think a lot about a lot of things and the things that people talk about here(I mean the whole forum, not this thread specifically) are things in their head. Make sense?
People's experiences don't differ that widely. The circumstances can, but the thought processes etc. are mostly very similar.

Anyway, you made me laugh
Young in body, old in head. Awesome

Actually, didn't you just say you were going to go to uni too? Or was that someone else....

More and more I find that age is a meaningless number on the internet. I keep getting surprised by the fact that very intelligent, mature people that I've met are actually younger than I am. Several of them under 18. It may seem age-ist, but I'm trying to break that stereotype in my head. You really can't find a better place for mature individuals (who are willing to let their hair down so to speak; they need both sides of that coin for me to really get along with them! ) than a lucid dreaming forum. You need the maturity, open-mindedness, and perseverance to pursue lucid dreams... and then you need that child-like sense of fun to do stuff with em. It's why I love this place.

I graduated from uni (college over here) in May. And the two months since have been ultra crazy. I moved, got a job, apartment and a car. It's almost like I'm an adult or something. But I'm still a kid at heart!

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

A bad habit is also annoying me. I don't know when I picked it up but it's been a good while. I just timed myself and I shake my legs up and down about 3 times a second. But while doing that, I also gently sway from side to side about 1 side per second.
First, WTH? Is it a self-soothing (the rocking) or a hyper (the shaking) activity. If it's self-soothing- wth? Am not any more stressed than usual. I'm alone in my room. I can understand the hyper part.
But the 2 don't usually go together do they lol. I'm even swaying now whenever I'm out in public. What the heck's wrong with me
The movement is making my nausea and dizziness much worse though. Yet I can't seem to stop it. I tell myself to knock it off, then seconds later, I catch myself doing it again.

Hehe. I do that shaking my leg up and down thing, maybe even faster than that. Not the swaying, though, and I usually only do that with 1 leg at a time. For me it's actually usually an expression that I'm happy, though sometimes it seems to happen at random or just because I'm bored. Around my friends that are furries, I call it the equivalent of wagging my tail.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

My rant is that I went to Sheetz and got 2 hotdogs with relish and Provalone cheese. I ate and the nausea and most of the dizziness went right away. The most logical reason is my blood sugar was low. Great. Now I need to spend money on strips so I can take my sugar.

I can't answer the rest of this stuff, but my mom suffers from bouts of low blood sugar. My suggestion is to keep some readily-available source of sugar with you. At one time she carried these tiny honey sticks in her purse everywhere. I think peanut butter is a good one, too. I think all that protein helps keep things from flying in the other direction and causing a sugar spike. But then, my mom used to have it worse than what you're describing, I think... she'd get all mentally fuzzy and would be slow to answer things, and would say she wasn't hungry even though she obviously was. Practically had to force-feed her. I don't think it's happened lately, thank god... but I don't live at home anymore, so I really don't know.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

It feels so weird knowing someone loves you, and you love them as well, but I start getting paranoid in what would happen if something bad were to happen to us. I don't think I could adjust to anyone else because it's going to be hard to find someone like her.

It's really hard thinking that there are more fish in the sea when you meet a person who wants to explore as much as I do when it comes to human psyche and more subjective aspects of dreaming.

This really sucks. I think I'm going to listen to sad music now.

Dude, screw everything you're thinking right now and just chase her! I've followed a lot of your posts here, and you've been looking for someone like this for how long? Months? Years? Now's not the time to get cold feet, man! If she's the right one, everything will work out just fine.


...okay, okay, I should throw a disclaimer in. I'm an asexual who's never been in a relationship, so I'm not really sure what the hell I know on the subject, but... come on, I wouldn't steer you wrong.

Wagging your tail? I LOVE that lol I cured my leg shaking by sitting them... which is what I usually do anyhow lol. When I sit with my feet on the ground, I always cross my legs twice (once, over my knee and then again behind my ankle) which has been my way since childhood. I bounce with whichever foot's on the ground. I think of shaking as a hyper activity- pent up energy etc. The swaying though, that's the confusing one. I see swaying the same way I see thumb-sucking: as a self soothing activity for when a person is distressed. When I'm sitting, I sway back and forth like that piece that hangs down from a grandfather clock (there I go forgetting words again ) But when I'm standing, it's a round about twisting of my hips. Thankfully. I'd look really silly if I went back and forth instead.

I'm paranoid about my sugar. Diabetes is VERY heavy in my family. Heavy as in EVERYONE except a couple people have it. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycemia. If I ate something with sugar in it, I would have the customary slight rise which is normal, but then my sugar would bottom out because my body would freak out and produce too much insulin. Reactive hypoglycemia is often a precursor to diabetes. About a couple times a year, I'll buy strips and monitor my sugar. My sugar is completely normal now. I mean, I have a slight reactive reaction but it's nothing note-worthy.

I'm glad your mother sounds like she's doing better!!

My current rant is that Mr.Cuddlebug (the bunny) has dug a hole into the outside wall of the bathroom. I saw some shredded wall paper yesterday but I didn't think anything about it. But now he's gotten to the insulation I put up a temporary wall to keep him from breaking out, but I NEED to find a better place for him to live. I'm also sick of having to sweep and mop every day. For a small bunny, he sure does mess a lot!
An anti-rant is that Caffeine is doing an amazing job for me today. I've taken minimum amounts of the stuff since I started Nuvigil this past Wednesday. And by drinking Creme Soda instead of Coke, I've further reduced my caffeine intake. It's amazing what difference just a few days makes!
My adrenaline surges are still constant however. My lips are still tingly (it feels like a slight electrical current is constantly being fed into them), and my brain is still foggy.
BUT, I've still not had a headache and my nausea has greatly reduced.

What does eating have to do with ones inner ear? Nothing. So why do I always feel less nauseous and less dizzy immediately after eating? Stupid body makes no sense lol
My ear is still draining but it's not at all sore.

Zhay and Dutch: Thanks. My son will be 2 in October and the baby will be here in December. I'm sure it will be fine, it has to be, right? I think I'm mostly worried about whether or not I'll be able to treat them fairly. I keep imagining trying to feed the newborn while my son is trying to jump up in my arms or something. I don't want to be mean, but yea, maybe I can get him to hold the bottle or something and show him he can help take care of him/her too.

Rant: An old friend from mine and my fiancee's past came over the other night to catch up and he brought his gf. I was too nervous to be myself. I hate that. I get social anxiety so bad. She's about five years older than me and I was just worried about how she was looking at my parenting skills. >.<

I know I'm not a bad mother, but still. I didn't know her and she seemed not to like me much, but whatever I guess. It's over. I just wish I could be myself. I've been cooped up too long to be comfortable around new people. Then again, I guess I've always been kind of shy.

Also, I've been reading about this 2012 awakening stuff. It's interesting, but theories are theories. I'm curious to know what others think here. I guess I need to visit the extended discussion forum.

I rant here too much. This is really the only thread I post in lately. My dreams have been crazy, but life's too complicated right now to focus on lucid dreaming. It happens when it wants to I guess. I can say that since I've joined I've had more lucid dreams and more frequently.

meh meh meh

Originally Posted by Castles

I GOT A WISDOM TOOTH TAKEN OUT TODAY IT WAS HORRIBLE AND I WAS AWAKE.

I am in so much pain I am not going to attract any male species looking like the train wreck I do uGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE

It's horrible, I know. 2 years ago I got all 4 of my wisdom teeth yanked. I was sedated when they did it and my mom drove me home, but I don't have any memory of it until I was home and blood was pouring out of my mouth as I came to. One of the worst experiences of my life, seems like it took forever to stop bleeding but the pain didn't go away for days. Then I ran out of Vicodin... All in all it was horrible, but now my teeth are fine and the holes left in my mouth are less annoying...

My rant: why am I talking about myself again? I really need to stop that. Plus I double posted.

Suena. I'm sure you'll do fine

lol Dave. I talk to myself too

I am now depressed, furious, and superstitious.
I NEED TO START LISTENING TO MY GUT!!!!!!! I went to the store a little while ago. As I approached and then sat in the car, I freagin told myself to check the tires and engines. But no. I started up my car, backed up, felt a thump, stopped the car, stepped out and there was Meg thrashing about in death-throes. I couldn't even properly comfort her as soon as I saw the blood. I knew she was dead and I didn't want to SEE it happening. I laid my hand on her chest and told her I was sorry and I felt her stop breathing. I then got an old, beat up curtain to wrap her in, then put her in a Wal-mart bag and set her in the trash (burials are just dug up).
I then went searching for her siblings.

I refused to open the hood of my car unless I still couldn't find them after a proper search. I saw TJ first, near the scene of the accident. He was shivering and ran from me. Paulie was on the tires of the RV. I called for Ossamah- my favorite. He finally appeared in front of my car. He must've been in my engine. None of the boys would come to me. They're still hiding.
Stupid freagin cats. Stupid freagin me for not checking!!!!!!!
And then the heartless cynic in me spoke up to say "At least it was the female" which only served to make me feel a million times worse.

And now I'm feeling superstitious about the start of my Vision Quest tomorrow. It's a bad way to start spiritual introspection. But am I going to listen to my gut and postpone my journey. Of course not. Because I'm freagin stupid.

When I got to Wal-mart my adrenaline surges were so fierce I felt more and more exhausted with each step I took. I could have laid on the floor and slept. I took my blood pressure and it was 148/92 and my pulse was 117.
When I got home, I took it again and it was 121/87 pulse 92. Either Wal-marts machine reads too high or mine too low, or being in public affects me a WHOLE lot worse than I've ever thought.

I reminded hubby that I was going to be at the Farm until Wednesday. I told him if I wasn't back by Thursday he could send the cavalry after me. He laughed, thinking I was referencing the neighbors he's having trouble with. He said it didn't make sense why I was going up there so long and I told him I was bringing Myles to get some cleaning done and I was likely going camping. He was distracted and hasn't yet processed my words lol.

I called a local tavern to see what time their "Poker Night Tournament" was. . . to only find out they do it during the day and I missed it. Well, why the fuck do you call it Poker Night if you have it during the day. Jesus Christ.

Why do all of my cousins who are actually near enough to my age (or at least not too young) to really feasibly hang out with who I can easily connect with on an emotional and intellectual level, like people who I would've loved to hang out with and bonded with even if they weren't family, live on the opposite side of the country and only come here for one weekend every few years? >.< A couple who live near here are cool, but most of the ones who are here are either little kids of part of a mostly-socially-awkward clique, which is fine and all but I'd really like to get to know the parts of my family I really connect with. :T

Think I'm going to try asking my doctor to talk to my Mom about the devil's cabbage (that's what my neighbour calls marijuana ). She won't believe me if I try to explain to her how harmless cannabis is but she'll listen to my doctor. I'm complaining here in advance though because that's the best I can hope for, he won't legally prescribe it.

I'm ranting because of further superstitious concern. I could not stay awake for anything earlier. I crashed at around 8:30PM and I was dead to the world until 11:30. My clothes- the ones I'm wearing tomorrow, are on the clothesline outside, soaking wet. I won't be able to leave tomorrow until almost noon, so I wont get to the Farm until almost 1PM which will give me MAYBE 6 hours to find a place and make camp before it gets dark.

Hey-hey... but I just noticed my surges have subsided

I dreamed of burial shrouds and death during my nap though and now it's going to be hard for me to fall back to sleep.
BUT, now that I'm getting a later start, I will be able to make some phone calls before I leave which I was kind of concerned about before.

Blah...

Oh my god... no AC in 110 degree weather really blows. Or doesn't blow... for that matter.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

But why listen to music Link and expect the worst? Listen, instead, to something upbeat or inspirational?

Thanks Zhaylin, I do listen to some positive music as well.

It's just that I imagine me and this person being the only two people in our own little world. Sitting in a bench, rolling in the grass, moving my hands through her long wavy and curly hair.....

Originally Posted by Singularity125

Dude, screw everything you're thinking right now and just chase her! I've followed a lot of your posts here, and you've been looking for someone like this for how long? Months? Years? Now's not the time to get cold feet, man! If she's the right one, everything will work out just fine.


...okay, okay, I should throw a disclaimer in. I'm an asexual who's never been in a relationship, so I'm not really sure what the hell I know on the subject, but... come on, I wouldn't steer you wrong.

Thanks man.

I know I've made the impression that I'm some kind of unstable 5 year old in an 18 year old's body, but meeting this person has changed me a lot mentally because she's doing her best to support me while I support her as well.

She's the only person in my life so far that I can just relax and know she really loves me, and not in a possessive way, genuinely. I am confident towards her, and she is as well, and meeting this kind of person with such complex personality is someone to make sure I can survive long enough to see and build a deeper relationship with.

I know that I don't have to worry about survival and all that, it's just the fear of adjusting to realizing that if this person were to be out of my life, it would mean getting into that sense that I'm back on the ocean, millions, billions of fish in the sea. She's also one of the few reasons I have to continue doing my best and living and learning as much as I can.

It's not confidence at all, I'm already comfortable around this person, it's just being exposed to several scenarios (even though I shouldn't base reality and predicted outcomes just by those alone) where I was close to death, or seeing someone just die, and suddenly becoming a corpse that has to be cleaned out of society.

I'm not directing this to you in anyway, it's just that I really like this person, someone who is actually confident for once and accepts me for who I am.

It's not my first lover, but I would say she's my first deep lover, if that makes any sense.

Almost every night before I go to bed, I would play any kind of love song that would remind me of her, and hope that I could live in that fantasy with her.

I think I'm just worried because I'm thinking more of biological desires to provide and support for this person someday. I don't really want to start partying in clubs, trying to seduce women and use them (even if I could, I would still fail somehow).

I just look forward to the day we both can meet, and actually believe that me and her can grow from there. I think love is determined by fate, but not completely. Like, I think that if someone has a certain alignment that has the potential to match with someone else, then fate plays a major role. Once you meet that person, I don't think fate needs to play a role anyway, and it's just up to you and your partner to just believe in each other and match their alignments to how the relationship can be sustained.

Anyway, sorry about that, thanks guys.

That random scar that I mentioned a while back seems to have gotten a little bigger. It's on my left side a little ways below my armpit so I forgot about it, and now it's got me worried. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning to get it checked out. I also think I'm skinnier than I was just last week. I just hope everything turns out ok, I should have gotten the scar/lesion checked out back in May.bbbsdmncvmcvmnccjk fjsd uwfe >?"L;'km =/

I went to play pool at my local pub but whatya know old drunk farmers love to hold poetry sessions around pool tables

110 degrees?! I would absolutely die!
Suena. Hang in there!!

Link. Such a nice feeling to read emotionally happy posts from you!

Gavi, scar? Growing? I hope it's nothing important. Maybe if you're losing/gaining/losing weight, it's just changing size because of that?

Dutch, I bet that was quite a sight

My rant is that I am not going anywhere today. I'm going to listen to my gut... but herein lies the problem with listening to my intuition. I second guess my motives. Am I actually avoiding the journey because of cold feet lol. To blame my meds... I feel I was a little hypomanic and not thinking clearly. Then I ask myself "so what?" I like myself better when I'm sleep deprived or hypomanic. I take more chances. I do things I WANT to do. I've been wanting to go on such a quest for as long as I can remember. If I need a little "liquid courage" (but in pill form lol) why not use it to my advantage?

I'm ranting because I don't know when the next opportunity will present itself. I see my daughters on Thursday and my hubby has a family reunion this weekend. I have a parent orientation thing to go to for my step-daughter next weekend. But at least now I have more time to prepare and to buy things I skipped yesterday because of a lack of funds.

This isn't a rant, but another curiosity presented itself to me yesterday. The baby birds at the clothesline are gone. Do Finches (or whatever they were) develop much faster than, say, Robins? It's been several days since I peeked in on them. They had just opened their eyes. They didn't have true feathers. But they're gone yesterday. I'm guessing something slithered or crawled into the bag and ate them.
Then I thought more about how it was perhaps a blessing if they were eaten. What was mamma bird thinking (and why did I not notice sooner)? There was no way for the babies to leave the nest lol The bag is tall. Don't fledglings usually jump from the nest? I don't see how they could have flown out of it.

And then my bird CeeCee started having severe seizures again last night.

I dreamed of death again last night, so I must not have slept soundly. I'm exhausted even after my Nuvigil.

Long reply post here too....

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

It feels so weird knowing someone loves you, and you love them as well, but I start getting paranoid in what would happen if something bad were to happen to us. I don't think I could adjust to anyone else because it's going to be hard to find someone like her.

It's really hard thinking that there are more fish in the sea when you meet a person who wants to explore as much as I do when it comes to human psyche and more subjective aspects of dreaming.

This really sucks. I think I'm going to listen to sad music now.

When the fuck did this happen? lol

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

It's not confidence at all, I'm already comfortable around this person, it's just being exposed to several scenarios (even though I shouldn't base reality and predicted outcomes just by those alone) where I was close to death, or seeing someone just die, and suddenly becoming a corpse that has to be cleaned out of society....Almost every night before I go to bed, I would play any kind of love song that would remind me of her, and hope that I could live in that fantasy with her.

Hold on.... this isn't a dream character is it? You've not gone off the deep end I hope.

All I can say is, assuming this is a real person.... think about how good it is now, not how bad it would be if it doesn't keep being good forever.
I can confidently say that if you keep playing out how it will go wrong, how shit it will feel etc. in your head, it will happen IRL.
This isn't some "you make your destiny, imagine your world" bullshit. It's just that constantly thinking about the bad outcomes makes you focus on them.
It's like keeping your eye on the ball.... look at the ball and you'll hit it. Look at the ground and you'll hit the ground.
It does take a while to get used to; when I first started riding a motorbike, I looked at the ground in front of me when turning a corner, this makes you react terribly because you only see things a second or less before you have to react. Everyone does this at first. And it gets worse and worse coz you lose more and more confidence with every bump and pothole and get more and more wound in a knot and anxious.

It takes a while but you have to focus on where you want to be after the corner, look at the horizon line and you will go there.
And it's tonnes more fun when you're not constantly worrying about every little thing that could set you off course.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

When I'm sitting, I sway back and forth like that piece that hangs down from a grandfather clock (there I go forgetting words again )

Pendulum.

Originally Posted by Banned

It's horrible, I know. 2 years ago I got all 4 of my wisdom teeth yanked. I was sedated when they did it and my mom drove me home, but I don't have any memory of it until I was home and blood was pouring out of my mouth as I came to. One of the worst experiences of my life, seems like it took forever to stop bleeding but the pain didn't go away for days. Then I ran out of Vicodin... All in all it was horrible, but now my teeth are fine and the holes left in my mouth are less annoying...

My rant: why am I talking about myself again? I really need to stop that. Plus I double posted.

Vicodin too! Nina said she got that as well. Fuckin Americans lol
I got codeine ffs. Didn't do anything. I was in so much god damned pain for 3 weeks or some shit and my dad the doctor wouldn't even prescribe me more codeine, let alone Vicodin.
Asshole.
To make it worse I asked if he could prescribe me something stronger and he's like "Well, the only thing really is Endone" and I'm like "so can you write a script for it?" and he just says "no."
WHAT THE FUCK!???
Pisses me off to this day lol

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

....

Just edit out that coz it makes me sad. Sorry about your cat.
Can't blame yourself though really, just trust your gut next time if you feel you should.
Cats do weird things, I've almost run so many of them over coz they don't know how to react to cars.

Anyway.... what are you planning on for your vision quest?
Ah, now you just posted that you will listen to your gut.
Regarding the not knowing your own motives thing.... it's very hard to figure that out, if not impossible.
It could be the drugs you took, the food you ate, or some personality thing, anything....

The only advice I can give is that it hardly ever helps to know your motives.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Why do all of my cousins who are actually near enough to my age (or at least not too young) to really feasibly hang out with who I can easily connect with on an emotional and intellectual level, like people who I would've loved to hang out with and bonded with even if they weren't family, live on the opposite side of the country and only come here for one weekend every few years? >.< A couple who live near here are cool, but most of the ones who are here are either little kids of part of a mostly-socially-awkward clique, which is fine and all but I'd really like to get to know the parts of my family I really connect with. :T

I've been thinking about a cousin problem I have too over the past couple of days.
My cousins who I think I could (I did used to) get along with live pretty far away and only ever see them a few times a year for family bbq's. But since we were kids, after we got to a certain age, the girls and guys split in to their own groups (guess they talk about maturing-girl stuff lol).
And it sort of stayed like that coz they went off together in their own group for several years.
Some of the other guys do go to their group during the bbq's now but I feel weird about it because I basically didn't talk to them for so long.
I tried talking to one of them on myspace a while ago, which was good, but it got really awkward once on the phone when she was overseas, and I was talking to her and
my mum and auntie were just fucking hovering over me and I get really embarrassed when everyone is paying attention to me, so it was just a really awkward conversation and I
sort of interrupted and said I might have to give the phone to someone else coz they're all waiting. I think maybe she thought I didn't care, or something....who knows.
I did make the effort again at the bbq before christmas, but then I feel they don't like me because they didn't talk to me next time at christmas. I like them though....
Ah well.

The rant I came here for (if anyone's got this far lol) is I cannot fucking figure out Python (programming language).
I'm trying the courses on Udacity which is basically CS101 online for free, but they suck dick at explaining things.
My brother told me to just figure out something I want to create, and google how to do it, because that's the best way to learn.
I will probably do that, but just trying to figure out what the people were talking about was pissing me off majorly before.