Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

But he said the secret was killing him and he had to tell someone. I don't care one way or another, it's just a shock. How could I have read him so wrong and known him so inaccurately???!!!

Speaking for myself being gay, I think that my dad (and mom) will be surprsied, cause I do a job in hiding it, to making comments about women he finds attractive I'll say something like yeah, she's hot. While I obviously dont feel this way.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

And now I'm berating myself for screwing up SOMEWHERE along the line (as if being gay or transgender is a choice).

It is not a choice, and its nothing to do with you. When someone is gay, bi, trans or otherwise, its just the way we are, nothing contributes to it. You did not "screw up"

^^ I totally agree with Tommo.

I know gender identity disorder happens, with or without any kind of previous abuse. Some psychiatrists theorize that it could be hereditary. However, the underage incest thing, like Tommo said, is not good. Usually a sign of abuse, when your son was young himself. I'm only quoting from what I've heard from friends of mine who were sexually abused by myriad family members when they were young (sorry if I missed all of this in your previous posts Zhaylin).

If you have any control of the situation, at all, some kind of therapy is crucial at this point. not just for the boy, but for his younger sister. The earlier this kind of stuff can be stopped, and treated, the less will carry over into their adult lives.

I almost deleted my post here 3 times. I'm scared to give my opinion on these things, I don't know you or your family, I just see patterns evolving. I also tend to scan read and miss alot, so I apologize if I've missed something, but the point I'm getting at is, I know some helpful resources, if you need them.

My thoughts are with you and your family Zhaylin.

Nope. My oldest daughter (now 16 years old) stole a classmates Kindle, she was constantly truant, and had inappropriate relationships, so the state sent her to a juvenile facility for behavior problems.
My youngest daughter (now 15 years old) got in trouble with the law from breaking curfew (supposedly staying the night with a friend), getting drunk, getting high and turning out to have a full-fledged drug addiction. She's in a facility for drug dependence and behavioral problems.
Myles opted to go back into the system so the State could get him back on track with his education and setting future goals (finding and keeping a job, finding a place to live etc). He turns 18 in August.

My kids refused to go to school for the most part. If I actually managed to GET them out the door, they just skipped. And, frankly, I'm too passive and permissive/accepting to be any sort of parent. I love my kids but hope those 3 don't come back home. They'll be stuck (or worse) if they do. My oldest boy (19) sits at home playing video games all day, waiting to see what the court is going to do to him (for manually messing with his sister when they were both high).
Like I said, I seem to have no idea what even goes on in my own house.

Now I'm depressed lol

Originally Posted by tommo

oh god.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Now I'm depressed lol

I am sorry. I don't want that. Sorry, I'm just one of those mud stirrers, I didn't mean to make things worse. I wish I could do/say something to help, but I really got nothing Zhaylin. Just my sympathy, and an ear, should you ever need one.

And YES, forum, I fucking double posted, I know. It was a damn emergency, eat me.

Originally Posted by OpheliaBlue

Pink would have been better. But I agree, I have a hard time hanging out there myself

Originally Posted by OpheliaBlue

oh my god

at least he highlighted a part, so I will keep my word and read the entire post



Oooooh..


"If you can't beee with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with. Love the one you're with."

So Laby, is that really 100%, that your people only seem to pay attention to you when you're doing something artistic or constructive? But then the rest of the time, it's just, nothingness?

With social skills I get to play shrink, teacher, friend or anything that suits anyone. With little amount of time I'm good at reflecting people back something they dream of but there are just couple of ppl who know my waking life self at all. And given a week a ahaed I'm in completely new state. Mostly I feel like I'm really manufacturing and selling dreams, for if someone crashes into me and vide versa, we dream little while together and face the consequenceloops afterwards... it's hard to come at open how i live and experience in reality wavelength. I feel that days last for decades sometimes, 'cause what ever I'm working with I'm really there. Books kind of writethemselfs to me for i have no presumptions left that they're not written for me or translations of m,y dreams. so i get to experince everything quite intensitivly. I was for real when I said that only fear I have left is that of omnipotence, because the scale of experincing things makes it somewhat lonely thing. I've tryid to keep someone by me, but they basicly drown in my world and their life goes quite crazy. We're trying to communicate with everyone involved based on what anyone remembers at anyday, but the Job is mainly mine. I feel like Big Brother compelled to rewrite the history and control stuff, partly truemanshow and partly under some system that just seems like behaviorismloop that have been putted there during my childhood. So this is how I basicly live and feel.. But mainly I mirror for it happens to be easier 'cause people get lost when they trie to find what i am.. and start to long for some phase of my being or just get out and live with some reflection they've picked from my repertueree.. I don't really mind.. cause I know that those who really want to know aren't here because they know and try to solve same mystery for their sake and mine too

EDIT: and Oph thank you for picking up the little piece that most of people don't see,, it really means worlds to me

Not a problem Ophelia. My depression is NOT your doing I'm just a really shitty parent and accepting that is good for my kids but still makes me

The incest and transgender issues are with my different boys. The youngest is transgender, the eldest... has other issues (his sister). All of them except my oldest are in counseling. Hopefully family counseling will be set up sooner than later.


Thanks everyone I REALLY just needed to get it off my chest.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Not a problem Ophelia. My depression is NOT your doing

I didn't have to rub salt into the wound though.

You know, it may sound weird, but I'm glad you're here. You know? Glad you're able to vent this stuff anonymously, because maybe it gets even a small percent of that weight off your chest. I know this place helped me more than one occasion. I hope it has for you too.

I got my fingers crossed for the family counseling. Your children deserve any chance they can get to improve themselves. I'm happy their mom cares. Some don't even have that.

Originally Posted by labyrint

: and Oph thank you for picking up the little piece that most of people don't see,, it really means worlds to me

I'm happy to have been a good listener . I admit though, I have a really hard time understanding what you're talking about sometimes. But that post made alot of sense to me. I didn't get what you meant in your reply post #5182, so this poses a personal question that you don't have to answer: are some of your posts written under the influence of one or more drugs, and others not? I'm just asking because there was a night and day difference between your last 2 posts.

Sometimes I feel that system put's different brainchemicals by provocikng certain kind of behavior in me. But that's called paranoia. My feelings and moods, as well as how enthautic I'm reflect the posts. I also use different tones, frequenselenghts and stuff I beleive in while writing. Mostly I also dreamspeak (meaning speak the words in my mind while writing).. so if I get enthuastic,, like when someone hit's some spot inside of me,, I write quite fast for I fear that I'm about to loose that connection. I have many characters because everyday partisopatory theatre is think that keeps me in good mood. To be able to play with all sides of me. Last post 5182 I wrote in hurry. I haven't posted a single message here under the influence of any other drug than alcoloh.. those couple of times I've been drinking (two of them under a week,, so I might have a reason to worry ;.-) have mostly resultud to a wave of likes.. 'cause maybe I've had easier to really express myself in not so prethought way.

I'm gonna visit my real life shrink (who haven't had time to contact me 'cause he knows I've got nothing wrong) to end my relationship with mental health system and convercate which would better describe my being multiplepersonalities or border-line-persona. They are best describsions I've met. Maybe we end up with no diagnosis if it would cause some problems when I leave my homecountry and start I travelling life

BTW I express myself almost as freely in FBverse, i might be the least paranoid person in the world. but i do have an eye on those illusions and belief-struckeres people live by, guard in others and teach their youth

Originally Posted by labyrint

I'm gonna visit my real life shrink (who haven't had time to contact me 'cause he knows I've got nothing wrong) to end my relationship with mental health system and convercate which would better describe my being multiplepersonalities or border-line-persona. They are best describsions I've met. Maybe we end up with no diagnosis if it would cause some problems when I leave my homecountry and start I travelling life

To be honest with you, as cruel as this may be, I think I'd prefer having multiple personalities disorder. I think of it as a gift because I think of it as several mini-super computers being able to coexist together (if one is able to form a pact with the other parts of themselves).

Positive benefits of multiple personalities. Dissociative identity disorder (D.I.D.) creates a superior brain? Does multiple personality disorder (M.P.D.) increase intellectual power?

People say that one may have a bad sense of reality, but if you can master lucid dreaming, you can speak with several parts your mind. And you'll start to appreciate the part of you that's mysterious, the part of you that is courageous, the part of you that is open to new truths and ideas of the world and universe, the part of you that is cruel and cynical, the part of you that is loving and passionate, the part of you that is sorrowful and depressed, the part of you that is pure and innocent.

But I'll stop there since I don't want to reveal too much of what I want to do...but I hope things get better for you.

But if you were able to be all these things in split forms, and be able to reconnect them instead of having it all at once (and possibly augmenting stress), wouldn't you be more accepting towards it? I know I would.

But I'm not saying you should accept it, just saying that I'd probably be more grateful to have what people would consider a curse, or whatever.

I really hope things work out for you though.

This thread moves so damn fast, I checked it just before I left on a ten hour flight and I checked as soon as I got back... Four new pages. Crazy

This is like super old now but I just have to add my compliments on the bruise, Ophie.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Not a problem Ophelia. My depression is NOT your doing I'm just a really shitty parent and accepting that is good for my kids but still makes me
The incest and transgender issues are with my different boys. The youngest is transgender, the eldest... has other issues (his sister). All of them except my oldest are in counseling. Hopefully family counseling will be set up sooner than later.
Thanks everyone I REALLY just needed to get it off my chest.

It's amazing the things that come up in life, for a parent, or a child. I am transgendered, and a parent of two, and that has been an interesting ride in itself.

When your son came out to you, told you, it's because he has needed to for a long time. Give him an ear when needed, and a safe place is possible, and he(she) will be able to develop as he sees necessary.

I can only empathize on the rest. Kids never make it easy.

I'm paying attention.

Damn it! I was heating up some Beans and rice to eat for breakfast. Then I forgot about it in the microwave, and heated it up for 30 more seconds. Then when I open it, the glass plate holding the food breaks in HALF.

THAT WAS MY ONLY GLASS PLATE...now I have to stick with the two smaller ceramic plates and a few bowls as well. Now it's going to be awkward because it means more cleaning the dishes for me, which is going to make me eat less....FUCK. And eating stuff from a bowl that isn't really eaten from a bowl is going to be even more weird for me.

Damn it, and here I thought I was going to make sure this last glass plate wasn't going to break. (The other one I had broke because I was stupid and accidentally hit it near the edge of a cabinet.

DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT. I think the reason why it broke so fast is because when I was washing it, I kind of went hardcore cleaning mode to where it probably made small cracks from the pressure of the sponge I was using to scrub it.



Oh well, guess I'll have to activate "Cleaning" mode double time this week until I get a new plate. :/

That sucks, Link! I wasn't even aware that they could break so easily like that. I need to be careful in the future!

Ugh... I've given up on good dishes for the most part. When the kids were younger, everything always disappeared outside or into the blackholes of their bedrooms. Now I just pick up stuff at the Dollar Tree as needed. We use paper plates and plastic silverware. I spend about $3. on that stuff. We rarely have dishes to wash so it's a win-win

Thank you for your post, MelanieB. I have LOTS of questions, so I'm going to start a thread on the Tell Me About section.
Thanks for all the support everyone.

Laby I don't understand most of what you write but it seems you're going through a lot right now. I hope life gets better for you soon.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda41

To be honest with you, as cruel as this may be, I think I'd prefer having multiple personalities disorder. I think of it as a gift because I think of it as several mini-super computers being able to coexist together (if one is able to form a pact with the other parts of themselves).

Yes that's the high point of multiple personalities.. it really speeds up your learning abilities, adds empathy toward many kind of people and if you love theatrical life as I it's a cast inside the head to play with. Setting is really important and good counceling cast of super-egoes to steer the boat. Not those Freudian judges that just want to shoot the id(entity) down. Bordeline benefits for the art and dreaming. It thinnens the line between your working and creations and what was once out-side-reality. I guess that best artist I appreciate have had borderline problems. Writers Castaneda and PKD have been speculated to had this 'illness'. It really does funny things to identity borders and something what's labeled mysthical experince. Both diagnoses aren't new but usually held among the most seeked experinces in yoga, tantra, meditation, sufism etc etc

So if I can sometimes play with madness that's fine 'cause if I wasn't able, i'll be hollow and suffering inside (like during some strong medication). Main trick that has gotten my head out of the control system is that I've developed way of expressing my experience in a worldy and patient manner to doctors who happen tom posses some inteligence on psyche. Haven't met anyone with my range of expertice yet, which is shame really.

That sucks, Link. Like Zhaylin, I use paper plates often and it saves on dishes. Unlike her, I have many glass plates and several sets of dishes which get used often because I like to cook and have family over for meals. Department stores often have great deals on inexpensive but nice looking dishes. Might be time to buy a set.

And I like answering questions. I think it's because I spent so much of my life as a listener, and I really want to talk sometimes.

I just got back from breakfast with my parents and grandmother and have a few observations.

As usual I barely talked at all, mostly because what they talk about bores me so much. Common topics include food, clothing and gossip about people I don't even know. I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong about those topics, they just don't happen to interest me. But I decided to give it a try and continue a conversation my mom and I had been discussing earlier about experiments involving chimps. The conversation turned to animal consciousness. My mom mentioned some documentary she watched in which animal consciousness was investigated. I said that to me, it's pretty obvious that animals like dogs are likely conscious, and that the more interesting question is, how developed must the brain must be for consciousness like we experience it to arise? What are the different levels like? It's obvious that bacteria likely aren't conscious, but what about insects? Reptiles? What would it be like to experience being those species, the different types of awareness?

Then, my grandmother steps in: "Did you know that rocks are conscious?"

There was a time I would have laughed. But I just kept completely silent, not wanting to disrespect my grandmother with argument, as my mom agreed, saying "yes, I have heard that, there's a bit of consciousness in everything." My dad even started agreeing, saying "and who's to say that bacteria aren't conscious too?" That's his favourite line: "who's to say ..." It fucking pisses me off so much. It's nothing but a way to ignore evidence and reason and reality completely, that phrase. He's used it before while I was explaining my atheism once with "Who's to say that we weren't all just put here by God?" I actually felt kind of betrayed, because I'd been under the impression that my mom knew what I was talking about and wouldn't stand for that.

The worst part is, I get the feeling that she did know what I was talking about, that she knows that the reason-based way of thinking I advocate is the best way to go about finding the truth, she just doesn't care. People just don't generally care about the truth. It sickens me. The whole conversation, a lot of their conversations about 'spiritual' stuff, remind me of the absent mind-wanderings of a child. "I THINK THE SKY IS A GIANT BALLOON AND RAINBOWS ONLY APPEAR WHEN THE FISH AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA ARE HAPPY"

I don't think I'm a very knowledgeable person. I'm not, at all. I'm extremely ignorant. I dislike that about myself, and I understand that someone might find that fact that I've failed to educate myself about certain topics like politics annoying. I even get annoyed at myself for it. That isn't what I'm getting annoyed at them for, this is even worse. It's the complete disregard for truth. It's not even that they don't understand, it isn't that they're incapable of being rational while thinking about these things. If they wanted to, they could, I'm sure. They aren't stupid at all. They just DON'T FUCKING CARE. There is nothing that sickens me more about some humans. Nothing.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I don't think I'm a very knowledgeable person. I'm not, at all. I'm extremely ignorant.

You're cutting yourself a little short, you're easily one of the more intelligent members of the community. =/

My parents are kind of like that as well, I just don't talk to them about those things any more or I go along with it and subtly change the subject. You just can't reason with people like that.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I just got back from breakfast with my parents and grandmother and have a few observations.

As usual I barely talked at all, mostly because what they talk about bores me so much. Common topics include food, clothing and gossip about people I don't even know. I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong about those topics, they just don't happen to interest me. But I decided to give it a try and continue a conversation my mom and I had been discussing earlier about experiments involving chimps. The conversation turned to animal consciousness. My mom mentioned some documentary she watched in which animal consciousness was investigated. I said that to me, it's pretty obvious that animals like dogs are likely conscious, and that the more interesting question is, how developed must the brain must be for consciousness like we experience it to arise? What are the different levels like? It's obvious that bacteria likely aren't conscious, but what about insects? Reptiles? What would it be like to experience being those species, the different types of awareness?

Then, my grandmother steps in: "Did you know that rocks are conscious?"

There was a time I would have laughed. But I just kept completely silent, not wanting to disrespect my grandmother with argument, as my mom agreed, saying "yes, I have heard that, there's a bit of consciousness in everything." My dad even started agreeing, saying "and who's to say that bacteria aren't conscious too?" That's his favourite line: "who's to say ..." It fucking pisses me off so much. It's nothing but a way to ignore evidence and reason and reality completely, that phrase. He's used it before while I was explaining my atheism once with "Who's to say that we weren't all just put here by God?" I actually felt kind of betrayed, because I'd been under the impression that my mom knew what I was talking about and wouldn't stand for that.

The worst part is, I get the feeling that she did know what I was talking about, that she knows that the reason-based way of thinking I advocate is the best way to go about finding the truth, she just doesn't care. People just don't generally care about the truth. It sickens me. The whole conversation, a lot of their conversations about 'spiritual' stuff, remind me of the absent mind-wanderings of a child. "I THINK THE SKY IS A GIANT BALLOON AND RAINBOWS ONLY APPEAR WHEN THE FISH AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA ARE HAPPY"

I don't think I'm a very knowledgeable person. I'm not, at all. I'm extremely ignorant. I dislike that about myself, and I understand that someone might find that fact that I've failed to educate myself about certain topics like politics annoying. I even get annoyed at myself for it. That isn't what I'm getting annoyed at them for, this is even worse. It's the complete disregard for truth. It's not even that they don't understand, it isn't that they're incapable of being rational while thinking about these things. If they wanted to, they could, I'm sure. They aren't stupid at all. They just DON'T FUCKING CARE. There is nothing that sickens me more about some humans. Nothing.

I agree with you Dianeva, when I hear people who obviously don't have any sense of reality and common sense, I usually keep it to myself. In my mind, all of these thoughts that I could use to prove that they are wrong in their narrow-minded ideals start becoming apparent, but I don't use them because I don't want to be rude to them, I just let them live in their own ignorance.

And I agree with the religious thing as well. I'm a Christian, but lately, since I joined this forum, I just observe the ideal of a Christian God as something subjective, I feel more open to other truths, instead of limiting myself to just one mindset if there is a God or not (sorry if I'm insulting anyone this way). It's just that with dreaming overall, I want to be careful of what I say to others, and if they are wrong to me, just let them be wrong.

I feel how you wanted to laugh at when your grandmother asks that question, but you can't blame her. When she was younger, she was only taught with what was known at the time, and it makes sense for some elderly people to be a little bit ignorant of things because they either don't care (like you said), because they know that if they do pursue the truth, their time will already be at an end.

So in a way, when you get so old, you regress back to the same naivete as you did when you were a child because in the back of their minds, even if they aren't conscious of it, they just want to live until their time comes and accept whatever preset ideals they were living with instead of conforming to new ones that would alter their character.

As for how your father says "Who's to say...," you have to admit, when parents focus on trying to raise a child, they'll have to forget being ambitious for knowledge because most likely they will just use what they know at the time to get things done, and to have to find more knowledge than they think they need, it would be stressful for them mentally.

I'm not defending him or your mother, but you do have to admit that if you want to make a family, you'll have to settle for less at certain periods of times, which means you'll have to forget the idea of discovering more knowledge, which can lead to ignorance and more naivete.

And if they don't care, just let them not care. It sucks, I know, I'm in the same mentality as you are. I get pissed when people who don't want to know something more, that they are just wasting their time trying to be successful in anything. It sickens me that when someone wants to know how to do something, and when I tell them how I do it, and they STILL don't follow it and complain more, it really just makes me want to RIP THEIR FACES off.

But you can't do anything about it, just let them live in their own world, and just focus on the fact that YOU want to learn more, and don't think that you're not knowledgeable at all. No one can know everything in the world, there's always someone who has expertise on something that you won't have,that's inevitable. You have your strengths, and you can always find ways to compensate for your weaknesses by knowing what they are, and not thinking that it's a bad thing.

There will always be a time where you won't be knowledgeable on something, but don't let that feel that you're incompetent, as long as you have the intention to know more about it, you'll eventually gain more insight on whatever it is you feel is lacking. To be good in something, you had to be inexperienced at first. I'm sure you know this already, but just don't let the passive demeanor of your elders bring you down. That's the reason why you exist, so that you climb over the barriers that they could not/will not climb.

You're supposed to become better than them, use that at least to let yourself know that some people will eventually reach the point to where they stop accepting other truths while you continue to learn more things. Again, we all can't know everything, and sometimes when we see someone with knowledge that we don't have, it does kind of sting our egos a bit for feeling incompetent in that field of knowledge, but don't worry about it too much. You'll find what you want to know, and if you need to learn more, just know that there will be times when you don't feel like you know anything at all, but just keep pursuing what it is you want, and you'll find it.

It is depressing to live in a society that demands that you know as many things as possible while at the same time being humble when others are obviously inferior to you, but if you just ignore that invisible rule, you'll do well in your endeavors while accepting those who are ignorant in improving theirs.

Originally Posted by melanieb

That sucks, Link. Like Zhaylin, I use paper plates often and it saves on dishes. Unlike her, I have many glass plates and several sets of dishes which get used often because I like to cook and have family over for meals. Department stores often have great deals on inexpensive but nice looking dishes. Might be time to buy a set.

And I like answering questions. I think it's because I spent so much of my life as a listener, and I really want to talk sometimes.

Yeah, I used to use paper plates for a while, but since I had a glass plate to use, I would always just clean it over again with the other small plates instead of using the paper ones. I'll probably buy a glass one, but if not, I'll just stick to paper plates. Yeah, they aren't expensive at all, it's just that I'm afraid of buying things that are a little cheap because like last week, I bought a cheap paper towel, and didn't realize the texture was HORRIBLE, and I used a whole roll within 3 days

And feel free to give advice to anyone here, I'm sure you have some good insight from experience.

I have to agree with Gavin here, Dianeva, you don't come off as ignorant in the slightest. Just because you have a lot more that you want to learn doesn't mean you aren't a smart person, and you're clearly able to really think about things for yourself and use sense, otherwise you wouldn't be so annoyed by your family. Plus, you think about legitimately interesting topics (like animal consciousness) and strive to learn more. It sounds like you're doing pretty good to me. Unfortunately, there's probably not a lot you can do to change the way your parents and grandparents think at this point in their lives. My advice would be to just try to accept that they are the way they are, and maybe slowly try to nudge them in the right direction but don't be too upset if they don't follow, you can't fix everyone and sometimes if someone's happy with how they are you just have to let them be.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Then, my grandmother steps in: "Did you know that rocks are conscious?"

wrong facepalm for Picard has met conscious rocks

First, I don't want to give a rude expression 'but I can feel for your parents too. Being thought as a crazy person at couple points of my lide, i might get slightly angry for someone dismissing others thought, even if they don't base on 'reality or common sense' as link put it. Well the concsiousness of earth has been commonly held belief and experience for times immemorial. It's not so common that that old folklore still exist. Most of the elderly people don't even believe in that anymore. But on a cultural matter, go tell to over the billion buddhists that whole reality isn't conscious They'll tap your head and say "whateve, it's your world after all"

And I caught myself laughting when your dad asked you "who is to say" and saw million of situations where you *did say* that it isn't like that. Not blaming that your dad does it consciously and not saying that it isn't 'uggering as hell.. but maybe it started out as somekind of way of trying to communicate with a child (who as all children develop their own way of communicating)

Are they so out of common sense in public (which can feel embarassing) or do they like to be able to act outside common sense when no outsiders are around? I know i like to take brakes from rational world with anyone i can feel cozy with.

One thing that has made me crazy is certain things that my parents did't care at all. Then I saw how much I use the power of ignoring some things by 'not caring about them'

"I THINK THE SKY IS A GIANT BALLOON AND RAINBOWS ONLY APPEAR WHEN THE FISH AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA ARE HAPPY"

No that's not teh only reason, sometimes it has something do with light and prismeffect

+ read your cheerfull side also, so not taking this so siriously

YET ANOTHER LONG LABYRINTHINE TEXT

Originally Posted by labyrint

wrong facepalm for Picard has met conscious rocks