Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I can imagine the cycle of different emotions must be very difficult to deal with. My experience with my breakup so far has been sadness and loneliness that eventually just gives way to this feeling of numbness and exhaustion. It must feel very confusing trying to mourn your husband while finding out about the emotional fair that would give way to feelings of anger. You must be wondering how you didn't know the entire time as well. Perhaps you're feeling taken advantage of, or underappreciated? Maybe you're trying to understand why you weren't enough for him. I'm not sure about what you're feeling obviously, I'm just guessing.

What have you been doing with yourself to fill in the time? I hear that keeping busy is important and helpful, but at the same time it feels impossible when all you want to do is be sad and do nothing. Have you found anyone in real life you've had the chance to talk to about your feelings, or simply spend time with for comfort?

I really hope you keep posting here daily, you have a family here on these forums to support you. We're all thinking about you and sending love.

Thank you, yuppie. I’m so sorry about you and your girlfriend. I thought you were just going to stay with your dad for a couple of weeks and take a temporary break? So sorry if I missed a post.

I made an emergency appointment with my p-doc the day he died. I can’t remember now if I saw him that day or the next... he wants me to visit once a week until everything levels out more. But, at the end of the month, I lose my insurance and my trust is nowhere close to being set up. Hubby’s kids are keeping me afloat.

I’m disappointed, angry, heartbroken, self-destructive all at once.
I always knew I wasn’t good enough for him. The affair just confirms every bad thing I’ve ever thought of myself... yet, at the same time, his loneliness was his own darn fault. I was always available to him, but he wasn’t interested.
We didn’t have sex- or so much as a cuddle- for 8+ years- so I’m also resentful as hell.
THEN, as he was finally becoming a real sweetheart AND taking care of business (fixing the trailer), he up and dies.

I KNOW he loved me. He would become visibly upset whenever I put myself down, proclaiming he was getting nothing out of the relationship. He told me I had value.
Then I read their emails about them being each other’s “one true love” and everything he told me about my worth feels like a lie.

And I’m mad that he wasn’t better prepared. His will was from 2011. His son lives in another state and has to take care of everything himself (legally. His sister will be a huge help, but still).

I’m going to have to move, who knows when to who knows where.
My kids still need me or I’d just bounce and go find that patch of forest somewhere. So, I’m mad about that too lol (Be self sufficient already!!!)

Blah.

You don't have to be sorry about my girlfriend, I feel silly complaining about it given the magnitude of your situation at the moment. Tomorrow I'm going to collect my stuff from our sharehouse and move in with a friend. It's a long story that I'll catch you up on later if you're interested, but at the moment I'm thinking it's about time to call things quits and move on.

What do you think led your husband and you to stop having sex and no longer share affection? Then, what do you think led to him 'becoming a sweetheart' all of a sudden?

I can't begin to imagine how you're dealing with these emotions. Once again sorry to relate things back to my girlfriend, I feel like it's almost insulting to compare the situations, but it's just a good way for me to explain my understanding. Feeling like you're not good enough is horrible. You try your best every day to make the person happy, and ultimately you're left feeling like it was all worthless. In fact, not only like it was all worthless, but that you were worthless as well. You've always come across as well educated and insightful to me Zhaylin, must of all you're very clearly a caring and considerate person. It makes me upset that your husband didn't value you the way he should have. I'm not sure if you've been feeling the same, but I've been spending a lot of time wondering quite simply why I wasn't enough, and what really went wrong in the first place. It seems simple enough in theory to simply love the person you've agreed to be with, but quite clearly in practice it is not so easy?

I know it's far too early to be thinking about these types of things, but perhaps in your future you will find someone who loves you in a more honourable way. I certainly think you deserve it. I look forward to hearing from you soon - lots of love

Good golly, don’t curse me like that :lol: There will be NO romantic ties any near my future.

And don’t feel sorry for relating your sorrow. Even though it’s different circumstances, pain is pain. The loss of a relationship is its own sort of death.

I’m not educated. I’m very stupid, but worse still, I’m comfortable in my stupidity. I’m just a lazy gamer nowadays- and the binger of many shows. It’s very hard to have a meaningful conversation with me, unless it’s religious in nature. And even there, I’ve forgotten most of what I once held so dear, so I can’t even hold my own in that arena any more.

Hubby withdrew from me 1) because he said I got fat. But that wasn’t true. 2) he said, years later, that he was just aging and no longer had the testosterone. But that wasn’t true either. Well, not entirely for either. I’m sure both played some role, it just wasn’t the complete reason.
He never admitted it, but the real reason was because I broke his heart. When my kids were taken from me by CPS some ??? 10 years ago (so it was actually 10 years since we had sex), I was so utterly devastated that I wandered off into Atlanta City- where we were on business at the time- with the intention of killing myself.
I was gone for hours, in the wee hours. I slashed my arms but my blade was too dull to do any serious damage.

I gave up and went back to the hotel room. He was furious, scared and sad. But not so much because I was suffering but because of his own damage. I abandoned him as others had before me. We were never the same after that.

I liked to take credit, well, me and the aging process, for him becoming more loving. But after finding the emails, I couldn’t help but wonder if his mistress could have played a role.
They had known each other since 1982. She was one of the biggest reason his first marriage fell apart. When she reached out to him in 2017, it was as if no time had passed between them. They both proclaimed their deep loneliness and their joy after reconnecting.

Which hurt. I was at his beck and call for the entirety of our life together. Even when he was mean or distant, I was kind and present. Why didn’t he tell me what he needed? But that could have been unfair, I guess.
Kim (the other woman) was closer to him in age (he and I were 30 years apart). They were in similar professions.

He loved me for my compassion and availability. I was comfortable and kind and I showed and taught him how to be more compassionate and empathetic. I was a friend. Kim- from reading what they wrote- was the love of his life.
And that hurts.
The evil side of me is more than a little happy that his will was from 2011. She’s not mentioned anywhere in it. She got nothing from him and he’s taking care of me instead.

I don’t know... I’m of many mindsets right now.

My rave is that I took to Quora to see if anyone knew how to access password protected Macs, while explaining the situation. One guy came through with flying colors.
Thankfully, hubby’s phone wasn’t locked to me. He hadn’t logged out of his email.
I changed his trusted phone number before even posting my question. I’m glad I had because accessing the machine was quite a process. All in all, it took me around an hour to unlock his MacBook Pro. And just in the nick of time. We had a very brief power outage which turned off his desk top Mac.
I’ll try the steps on it tomorrow.

I have his cellphone, recovery email address and password (which I had to find and also change lol) and changed the password to his usual email. Ugh. I hope I can do it with little difficulty.

I'm exhausted. Had a huge day today driving back to Brisbane (4 hours) then moving all my stuff. I'll post tomorrow when I have the energy so that I can post something worthwhile. In the meantime, lots of love and support

Yikes! 4 hours is quite the haul! Get some rest and try to do something nice for yourself.
:clairity:

My rant is that I cannot wake up today. I woke at around 11AM and started eating some left over strawberry Pocky. I woke up a soggy stream of Pocky down my chest. I had fallen back to sleep, while eating reclined in bed :rolleyes:
I wiped myself off then fell back to sleep for about another hour.

I’ve been slowly sorting through some of hubby’s stuff in his kitchen. He had a small stack of eBay receipts on a box in there that dated back to 2005.
I’ve been fighting a headache since I woke up and sorting through his stuff only made it worse (I was bent over most of the time).

And now what the heck? We have a fierce thunderstorm system that’s been moving through. It’s currently not doing anything outside, but I’ve heard 2 loud bangs. Fire crackers? Is someone shooting? Are transistors blowing out?

I might just call quits on the day and go back to sleep.

Must be fireworks. I just heard 3 more bangs- one right after the other.

I often sleep relentlessly when I'm going through emotional turmoil. I guess quite simply I find it easier to stay asleep and not have to worry about anything than deal with my thoughts.

I'll give you a quick summary of what's going on with my girlfriend. About maybe three weeks ago we had an argument that caused us to ultimately break up. During this period we were still working together to fix our relationship, we just weren't officially dating I suppose. I began to feel suspicious of her work colleague after she mentioned that she thought she was developing feelings for him during this time, so I read through her messages. I discovered that she was talking to her mother about what it'd be like to date him, how best to approach the situation, etc. I confronted her about this and she said that it didn't matter because her and I were broken up. I said that I disagreed with it not mattering, because we had been in the process of trying to fix things. Later on she admitted to holding his hand when I asked her, and a few days after that I got her to admit they had kissed. That's what she's willing to admit, I'm not sure if they've slept together - she claims they haven't and I'm inclined to believe her, but I can't say for sure. Since then we've been talking about trying to make things work between us, but I've told her I don't think I can let what she did with her work colleague go. I told her that I could never do anything like that to her, I don't understand how she could move on so quickly. To be fair I can understand her thought process. Her father left her when she was born, and she endured a lot of trauma in her childhood in general. She has a fear of being abandoned, and so when she feels like she is going to lose someone, she needs someone else to be there for her or she can't cope. She goes into a sort of frantic panic. The thing that does bother me though is I never really left her. I was there the whole time trying to work things out with her. Although maybe she still felt perceived abandonment, and that's what led to her behaviour. Either way, if her and I do get together, I can't see me moving past what happened. She WORKS with the guy, so she can't extricate herself from the situation. Every time she went to work I'd always be wondering. It would eat away at me. Basically I said that I can't see a solution to fix what she did, and that we should probably part ways. She freaks out every time I try to leave and she always has a large range of excuses. Obviously this is hard for me because I do love her and I think she's special, and most of all I don't want to be alone. However, I don't know that I could respect myself if I remained with someone who did that to me. It also seems as if she only really cares that she did it AFTER the fact, once there are consequences to her actions. But God, at the same time I just miss her a lot, and it hurts. I'm stuck in a cycle of emotions. I think the other thing as well is that beyond all of this, because of her instability, even if we continue to date and fix things, it'll likely just be some other problem that is facing us. I guess I'm looking at things in a larger sense, and as much as I love her, I don't know that she's the type of person I can settle down with and have children with, have a mortgage with, etc. I think the longer I drag things out the longer it'll hurt and the more I will suffer. Maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead? But then I feel like I'm really going to be left with nothing. I'll have to start all over again, and I'm scared I won't find someone like her again. Then on the same token, I feel like if I remain with her, my growth will stagnate. I'd like to develop more as a person and have more experiences, and I think that if I remain here I will be static. But then, once again, the cycle starts, and I just miss her really badly, and can't help but think maybe THIS time, things will settle down and we'll be stable? What do you think I should do? I'm at a loss

:hug: yuppie. So sorry you're suffering.
I think you're on the right though, as miserable as it is.
Unless counseling is an option and a change of jobs, for her, it just seems like you would be more unhappy for the long haul.
Your relationship was still fairly new, and it sounds like you both jumped in feet first (living together so soon).
I'd suggest simply slowing down. Date each other and enjoy each other more slowly.
But as long as she keeps her job, the anxiety will eat you alive.
I don't know. Love is love. It's not always rational and it doesn't want to move slowly. I guess, you have to ask yourself which is better and worse.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help :(

No worries Zhaylin, I'm still at a loss for what to do. More thought is required I suppose.
How have you been holding up?

I am friggin miserable. I took a Provigil last night, so I could get to work and pull an all-nighter. I was sound asleep an hour later :bang: And now, I feel like barfing.
Stomach bug? Did Arby’s make me sick (the only thing I ate yesterday).
What the heck?!

Rave: my knees are still loving the soft bed over my desk... and my back isn’t raging just yet. AND there’s no roaches in hubby’s house.
I’ve been avoiding the trailer because the kids told me we’re infested by wood roaches. When the workers cut down all the overgrowth and uprooted the ground, I guess they migrated inside.
I’m terrified of roaches.
SO, other than being depressed and sick, I’m nice and comfy in the AC and lounging in bed :lol:

Sorry to be checking in a little late. It's been a busy few days. I can't recall if I've told you this but at the moment I am in the process of applying for the police force. I have two more classes left to finish before I graduate with my bachelor of psychological science. Not too sure what I want to do with it, but I think I'd like to be a police officer. One day I hope to make detective. I think it'll be a fun and engaging job - always something interesting and challenging to do. I'd imagine I'd get quite bored in a regular 9-5 office job and end up depressed. I have a test for the police force on Monday, so hopefully I do well on that. If I pass that exam, I will then have to do my physical fitness exam. I'm not in great shape at the moment so I need to start running regularly in order to prepare for that. It also includes 10 push ups, pull ups, etc - but all of that I can do just fine. The biggest hurdle will be the running test. I've taken up smoking again since splitting with my girlfriend as a coping mechanism, so that isn't exactly helping either. Anyway, one of the things that the police force looks for is volunteering experience. So, in preparation for my application I've been volunteering at an aged care services facility. It's been great so far. There are a few residents I really enjoy talking to, it's very valuable to be exposed to different perspectives - older people have a radically different view on things. The other day I talked to one of the residents there about splitting up with my girlfriend, and she said "The sun always comes up." It was quite a simple thing to say, but it made me feel a lot better. The lady that said that to me is probably my favourite. She is very good to talk to, and still has her wits about her and is intelligent. A lot of the residents there are so senile you can barely communicate with them or have a proper conversation; so it's refreshing to encounter people like her. I'm supposed to help her with her computer but really we just end up chatting most of the time. There's also a couple of other residents there that I really like who I've developed good relationships with. I'm feeling surprisingly good about the break up, all things considered. Mostly I feel proud of myself for not sacrificing my standards/boundaries in order to be with someone for the sake of not feeling lonely. It still hurts of course and I miss her a lot of the time, but I'm coping well enough.

Anyway Zhaylin, and everyone else here, I hope you're all doing well and I send you my love. Take care and chat soon.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by yuppie11975

Sorry to be checking in a little late. It's been a busy few days. I can't recall if I've told you this but at the moment I am in the process of applying for the police force. I have two more classes left to finish before I graduate with my bachelor of psychological science. Not too sure what I want to do with it, but I think I'd like to be a police officer. One day I hope to make detective. I think it'll be a fun and engaging job - always something interesting and challenging to do. I'd imagine I'd get quite bored in a regular 9-5 office job and end up depressed. I have a test for the police force on Monday, so hopefully I do well on that. If I pass that exam, I will then have to do my physical fitness exam. I'm not in great shape at the moment so I need to start running regularly in order to prepare for that. It also includes 10 push ups, pull ups, etc - but all of that I can do just fine. The biggest hurdle will be the running test. I've taken up smoking again since splitting with my girlfriend as a coping mechanism, so that isn't exactly helping either. Anyway, one of the things that the police force looks for is volunteering experience. So, in preparation for my application I've been volunteering at an aged care services facility. It's been great so far. There are a few residents I really enjoy talking to, it's very valuable to be exposed to different perspectives - older people have a radically different view on things. The other day I talked to one of the residents there about splitting up with my girlfriend, and she said "The sun always comes up." It was quite a simple thing to say, but it made me feel a lot better. The lady that said that to me is probably my favourite. She is very good to talk to, and still has her wits about her and is intelligent. A lot of the residents there are so senile you can barely communicate with them or have a proper conversation; so it's refreshing to encounter people like her. I'm supposed to help her with her computer but really we just end up chatting most of the time. There's also a couple of other residents there that I really like who I've developed good relationships with. I'm feeling surprisingly good about the break up, all things considered. Mostly I feel proud of myself for not sacrificing my standards/boundaries in order to be with someone for the sake of not feeling lonely. It still hurts of course and I miss her a lot of the time, but I'm coping well enough.

Anyway Zhaylin, and everyone else here, I hope you're all doing well and I send you my love. Take care and chat soon.

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You and Sageous are still on here, thats crazy. I was an active user on here 7 years ago and just came back today. You and dutchraptor helped me out with DEILDs.

Hey yuppie11975, best of luck to you with joining the police force. I'm sure it would make an interesting job. That's great that you spend time with the residents at the care facility too.

My only complaint for tonight: I sprained the hell out of my ankle at a trampoline park on the last night of vacation. Hopefully I by the time I wake it's better and not worse. There are worse things, though.

Don't be a stranger, Zhaylin

I'm sore as hell right now. I'm in a bad mood... My lip is still sore when a bug bit me on the lip, I'm just glad it wasn't a yellow jacket. I'm allergic to those. And I have heat rash on my neck.

Hehe, thanks yuppie. I've just been sleeping extra, cleaning, and chatting up the typology community. Part of me wants to pay twfp to type me, but, meh, not really. Everyone seems to think I'm a sensor. I'm an intuitive. I do NOT feel like like an ISFP but like an INFP (if any of this makes sense to anyone here lol- it's mbti stuff).

It's been pretty quiet otherwise... except for another possible family tragedy. Hubby's son Lee came back to town to try to set up my Trust etc. He was going to stay here for an indeterminate amount of time. Just as he was heading here, however, he learned his wife has breast cancer :bang:
He was only here for a 3 days. He goes back tomorrow.
They're at their wits end.

BUT, they got my trust (at least partially) set up, which is one less concern for me.
I've been looking at properties online and several look promising.

Much success joining the police force!! Sounds like a very exciting and rewarding career path.

I hope your ankle's okay, zelcrow.

Youch, Lang! Do you have any idea what got you?

My mind is absolutely friggin blown. I was hanging out in the typology chat.
I’ve always been self-revealing which made one of the “old timers” curious. She asked me if anyone has actually tried to type me. I told her, no, not seriously so. For over an hour, she questioned me about my own cognitive processes and the reasons behind them. Chat absolutely blew up lol, as ppl just gathered to listen. I tried not to look lol
Long story shorter, I’m actually a “sensor” :rofl:

Interestingly enough, I have the same cognitive “stack” as the INFP- it’s just in a different order (based on usage and strength/weakness): ISTJ is what I actually am- (introverted) Sensing; (extroverted) Thinking; (introverted) Feeling [a “thinking” or information gathering function]; (extroverted) iNtuition [a “judgment” or “perception” function] or SiTe FiNe instead of FiNe SiTe... in my in-no-way-does-it-justice layman’s terms.

I’m exhausted. I’ve been awake for more than 24 hours. I got a lot done yesterday. Today’s going to be just as hectic and busy, so I REALLY need to go the heck to sleep.

[PS. The typing system is largely flawed... or rather, the description of the types and the test itself are flawed. You really have to know the function preferences to get a proper type]

Rave: The between scenes from the new Ghostbusters2020 movie.

Spoiler for ghostbusters:

https://i.imgur.com/zECGMfB.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/58EUyuf.jpg

https://media.giphy.com/media/lqT0iO...3yxy/giphy.gif
He wishes that you were there.

https://i.imgur.com/FIYUune.jpg

Rant: I have a video of him that was shot last night but, I don't really have any way of posting it unless I had youtube and we are not really allowed to post links to personal account such as Instagram here.

Rant: I'm a little under the weather. :(

I'm back... Can't promise to be super active, but I'm getting back in the LD game, so I'll probably drop by every now and then.

I'm doing great right now. I got diagnosed with 2 highly treatable disorders in half a year, ADD and Hemochromatosis, and it's such a relief. I'm feeling better than ever.

Hemochromatosis is a common genetic disorder in northern europe that made me store crazy amounts of iron in my body. The treatment is letting blood. So I've been letting half a liter of blood every two weeks for half a year and man, I feel soooo good. I used to be so exhausted and sleepy all the time. And now I'm only sleepy in the evening. And in the morning instead of feeling like a zombie the day after a bachelor party I can actually function pretty well. Apparently the vikings started letting blood when they realized they felt better after bleeding in battle... Don't quote me on that.

The biggest difference is the ADD meds though. They work so good. There are so many positive effects it's mind blowing.

To name a few:
My head is so calm....I can suddenly think about one thing at a time.
Doing something that doesn't stimulate me doesn't make me want to rip my head off.
I have stopped my non stop compulsive daydreaming that could disconnect me from the world for hours.
I can tell when I need food and water so my body functions better.
What I "should do" suddenly has power over my actions. So I can delay gratification.
I have largely stopped procrastinating.
I can "just start" a task.
I function significantly better socially too and I feel like I can be a lot better to my people.

And so much more. It's amazing, and I though I don't know where I'm headed I feel very optimistic.

So yeah, it's time for a lot of things, dreams included. Lucids are rare on my end these days, but they always come back fast once I start doing the stuff that works for me:)

fucking hate anti-social people who don't respond to something i say in public, embarrass me, and make me angry, causing a fight.

Rave: I was really sick yesterday and today I feel a little better...

Spoiler for More film between scene stuff.:

Canada. Ghost.
https://media.giphy.com/media/RlqOYG...6EMp/giphy.gif

I was computerless for quite some time after my old netbook's power supply packed it in. I was able to find a really good deal on a functioning laptop (albeit sans battery) on my local bidding site, I scored it for $25! It did have some minor issues but nothing to crazy. Over time of using it it got extremely slow and would crash due to video card issues. I just recently installed Ubuntu on it, and it's running like a brand new computer! If you aren't using your computer for gaming, I strongly reccomend the switch! Especially if you are still running Windows 7, for which the support will end soon. If you use your computer the way that 90% of the population does, Ubuntu (or any Linux distribution that you prefer) is more than sufficient, and will continue to have support through the years. Switch to Linux, save an old computer today!

I just came to check in on Zhaylin. Hope you're doing okay, let us know! :hug:

:clairity: everyone.

I am okay. THOROUGHLY friggin exhausted, lol, but okay. I finally got the Library completely packed a couple of days ago... we got the rest of the glass out of boxes and displayed. Even my step-daughters mom was over here helping. *whew*
One group of auctioneers have been over (yesterday and today)- just consulting and such at this point in time (for the most part).
We're slowly getting things done.

Emotionally, I've been all over the friggin place these last couple of days. Mostly, it's just due to exhaustion. I've also been skimping on my meds, though, because of my weird sleep schedule. I've been getting adrenaline JOLTS today, which is really strange and unusual. Surges have always been common... these jolts, however, make my head snap backwards.

I still don't know where I'm going to end up living... but I'm not too worried yet. His kids are still being amazing.

I hope everyone has been well.
Thanks for thinking about me Yuppie :smitten: