Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I was at job last night and one guy, who was way off his head, offered me 50€ note as tip. I couldn't just take it, granted that he was probably not even aware it was that much he was offering. After I gently made him aware of situation he seemed to realize and changed it to 4 euros.

Now, in the morning, it kind of annoys me I didn't take it 'cos at the moment money is most needed. It is the pride though. The very same reason I don't have sex with passed out girl or want to pick a fight with someone who is weaker than me.

^It seems like you did the right thing. If you'd taken it you would probably feel guilty and wish you hadn't. Or I would... I don't know you.

No one is on here at night. I refresh my control panel after 2 hours away and see only 1 thread with a new response. :(

I'm going to have a sad birthday. My boyfriend (who doesn't even live here but I talk to him online) is going on an Alaskan cruise tomorrow. He's coming back in a week and will be staying at my house for a week, so at least there's that to look forward to. But why does my birthday have to be while he's gone?

I'm taking a break from online games, so I won't be interacting with my online friends either. A birthday should be a day like any other, and I don't care about it, but some part of me starts thinking myself pathetic and wishing I had friends and could have a party and go out drinking or something.

I'll probably spend it sitting at home, doing homework, watching youtube videos, checking DV every 5 minutes, feeling sorry for myself. Come to think of it, my last 8 or so birthdays have probably been similar. I haven't had a fun birthday involving friends since I was 12 or so, maybe before then.

And 22? What the fuck? How did I get to be that age? That's like... an adult. It doesn't seem right. I've done nothing with my life. I was supposed to have accomplished so much and I've done nothing. I'm studying computer programming and used to be obsessed with it. When I was 15 I knew Java and C++ better than I know it now. I was supposed to progress from that point and be some amazing hacker by now, but I'm a pathetic loser who has been in college for 4 years and is somehow only on 2nd year.

I weigh about 122 and have been trying to lose the same 10 pounds for the last 5 years. Do I have no willpower? I swear, when I was younger my willpower was outstanding. I could do anything, I believed I could do anything. I could get excited at anything, so easily. Now almost nothing excites me, nothing drives me. It's become so easy to get stuck in loops. I can't even trust myself.

I haven't been to the dentist in over a year because I keep procrastinating. I'm afraid to book an appointment. I'm almost 22 and I don't have my driver's license. I keep saying I'm going to get it but never do. The thought of it stresses me so much I just stop thinking about it. I need to book an appointment with an adviser at the University but keep procrastinating with that too, and am running out of time.

I have an obvious scar on my arm that measures 5 inches, that will never go away. For my entire life I won't be able to wear a short-sleeved shirt in public without thinking that everyone around me thinks I'm some stupid self-hating emo.

I feel so strongly that I need to create some form of art. I was writing poetry for a while but I feel like doing something else, something that requires less thought. Writing poetry is creative but it's also too analytical. Heart goes into creating the initial metaphor, but then making it all go together and sound right is like a huge logic puzzle. I feel like creating something visual, but I don't know how to do anything. Whenever I try to draw something, it usually starts out well, but everything is so detailed I never finish it. I wish I knew how to photoshop or something.

@Dianeva
It sounds like you need a really big change to shake things up. I really don't see the point of you doing that college degree if you have no interest in the subject. Why don't you just get a part time labours job or is the economy Totally screwed? Do you play any instruments? If you want a less stressful form of art I think you should take up an instrument, and let the feelings flow. What stresses You out about driving? I think you should also take up a sport, but something you like. Dont just take up jogging or something, do something extreme, or are you not into extreme sports? I find extreme sports get you heaps pumped, but maybe Because I'm a guy. Your worried that your 22 and have done nothing in life? whats wrong with that? Is there anything you can really acheive in your life, does anything really matter? Whats in it for you to "Acheive" in life?

I didn't get my drivers license until I was about 23 years old, and then I only drove to Dr.'s appointments and such. I got turned around on the highway once (not literally), had no idea where I was or where I was going. I ended up at an FBI base (?) and was crying lol
I felt like a major idiot, but I learned from it. I'm still scared about directions though.
Since then, I've put major miles on vehicles ranging from station wagons, sports cars, convertibles, vans and an RV.
Just because you get a late start doesn't mean you're a loser. Sometimes the best things come later and then you appreciate it more.
:hug: I know what you mean about wanting to create. I used to write novellas and poetry/songs and now it's just.... blah. I have no inspiration or something. Maybe I'm just lazy.

I have been in an SI sort of mood since yesterday. And yes, I've given in a couple times. Now THAT'S being a loser :lol: I'm what... 37 years old and I STILL haven't learned how to properly cope with stress. Sheesh.

Oh... the older you get (at least in my experience) the less you care about what other people think about you. I branded my arm some time ago. I have a hideous scar but I wear tank tops and short sleeved shirts all the time. If people don't like it, they don't have to look at me :D

Hope you feel better soon.
I need to rush out the door to pick up my daughter for her 8 hour visit...

I don't have drivers licence either. Or car, to that matter. I've done fine without and at least I don't have to pay for gas, tax and insurance.

Dianeva, 22 is a damn good age. Usually that is the stage when people start to understand about themselves and the life they want. Just think things through, there is still time to do whatever you like. About the scar, well I can think it is a lot worse for women since you want to look pretty. Personally, I have always carried all my ( rather numerous ) scars with pride.

You can basically do anything. Just find the motivation. If you truly want to do something, nothing should be able to stop you. I know this is same old cliche, but it is surprisingly true. Right motivation and passion is crucial. Take drawing example. I am an awful at drawing, but I enjoy it, so I do it. Do not be too critical about your work, start with simple. If you have real passion for something then even returning to the basics after decades feels good. I found myself punching thousands of basic punches on the wall and still feel like it is the first time I have done it.

Geez, I sound like an old man.

How do you put a shower curtain back on the wall?

I just took a shower, got dressed, etcetera and so on and so forth.

Anyways, when I went to pull the shower curtains back, the whole thing just came tumbling down and nearly hit me in the face. :laughtillhurts:

Haha. What to do.

Is it a standard compression type? It should either have a spring inside so you push the ends together and position it then let them expand, or maybe a screw type, so you get the ends positioned and unscrew one half of the rod from the other half. If that makes sense.

I've tried compressing it, but it doesn't work. I'll try unscrewing it and see what happens.

Edit: Okay, so it's the kind that's divided into two pieces; you twist one half a certain way and the other half the other way. If you twist it a certain way, it'll get longer; contrarily if you twist it the opposite, it'll shrink.

Problem is, it's slightly curved, so every time I line the stupid thing up perfectly and start twisting, one side starts to travel down the side of the shower and I can't fix it once it's set, as it's too tight. >_<

I really don't wanna have to do my own shower maintenance when I move out.

For compressing you might need to get one end against the wall, pretty much where you want it to end up, and lean hard on it. In fact, you might need to get somebody ELSE to lean on it... (not saying anything about your size or anything! :whistle:)

I'm tiny but I can manage it. xD It's not compression anyways, which is good...

(I'm just imagining asking my dad for help. "Uh, what have you been doing to the shower?")

:doh:

Try an RC real quick - you could fix it in a jiffy using lucid powers!

I literally did five checks after the rod fell on me. xD
You never know.

If I were dreaming, I'd pick it up, bash it into the wall with one side sort of hanging in the air, and call it done.

Finally fixed the rod, but now there's water all over the floor. ;~;

lol Puffin. I'm glad you got it working. I had similar problems long ago and I felt like :bang:

My rant is: headache, headache, headache. I've had one every single day for quite a while now. And it's a weird one. It starts at the top of my neck/head, radiates downward somewhat to give me a stiff and sore neck. But then it lunges upward and outward from my ears to my temples and behind my eyes.
My head feels like it weighs about 50 pounds. I have NEVER had this degree of constant borderline pain. It's not the sort of pain you want to cry about... it's dull but ALWAYS there so you just get angry and want to beat something up.
I blame the Wellbutrin. I'm still frequently grinding my teeth which lead to jaw cracking/pain which lead to a headache.
Hopefully, the side effect or whatever else it is goes away SOON!

Shower curtain rods were originally intended to be easy to use, but the person inventing them became possessed by a demon mid-invention, and what we now know as a shower curtain rod was created in order to frustrate billions worldwide. Rather than just destroy one soul with a possession, the demon decided it would be best to take it out on the entire world.

True facts of truth.

The shower curtain thing happened to me once. It was just one pole I had to put back in place. I think it was just held there by compression between the walls. The shower curtain itself fell off once and I fixed that with a coat-hanger somehow. I honestly don't remember how that fixed it.

Thanks to the people who responded to my rant. Some of the things I complained about were pretty stupid. It isn't how I normally think, I was in an extra self-pitying mood at the time.

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Originally Posted by AustralianFire

It sounds like you need a really big change to shake things up. I really don't see the point of you doing that college degree if you have no interest in the subject.

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I have recently undergone some extreme changes, and may be changing mentally now. I know I have but it's too soon to tell if it will affect the things I brought up. I do have interest in the subject. I wouldn't have decided to do it if I didn't. I'm good at it, when I force myself to do it I end up enjoying it. I've just temporarily lost passion for it. If I started doing it regularly again I'm sure I'd like it.

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Originally Posted by AustralianFire

Why don't you just get a part time labours job or is the economy Totally screwed?

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I do have a job at a fast food place. I'm working there once a week since school started. Getting a job is one thing that used to be on my list of stressful things I need to do but am procrastinating with. At least I can say I've accomplished that.

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Originally Posted by AustralianFire

Do you play any instruments? If you want a less stressful form of art I think you should take up an instrument, and let the feelings flow.

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I don't play any instruments, but I've recently been wanting to. I Just don't see myself doing it because I wouldn't know where to start. I wouldn't want to take any lessons, and don't know how to buy an instrument. I'm guessing there are specific things I'd need to know.

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Originally Posted by AustralianFire

What stresses You out about driving?

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I've put it off for so long, knowing I have to do it just stresses me. It's something my parents bother me over often. "So when are you gonna get your license!?" It's hard to explain. The fact that I haven't done it yet makes me feel bad about it, so it hurts to think about, which makes me procrastinate more.

Also, I'm afraid of driving itself. When I used to go out driving with my parents, when I had my L/temp (different names in different places) before it expired, I was afraid of getting in a car accident, I just wanted to go home. I was terrified to go on busy streets. I didn't feel like I knew the road rules well enough to drive on busy streets, and whatever information I'd memorized seemed to just go away when confronted with a situation. I was also afraid whenever a car drove behind me. I felt like I wasn't going fast enough and was afraid of the other drivers getting mad at me. The whole thing was just a nightmare. I have had a few actual nightmares about driving.

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Originally Posted by AustralianFire

I think you should also take up a sport, but something you like. Dont just take up jogging or something, do something extreme, or are you not into extreme sports? I find extreme sports get you heaps pumped, but maybe Because I'm a guy.

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I've never been into sports and can't see myself doing them. Team sports, at least. Something like rock climbing I could imagine doing. I did go skydiving a couple weeks ago, although that's sort of a one-time thing, not a sport to do regularly (although some people do). I'd definitely take up skydiving if it wasn't so expensive.

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Originally Posted by AustralianFire

Your worried that your 22 and have done nothing in life? whats wrong with that? Is there anything you can really acheive in your life, does anything really matter? Whats in it for you to "Acheive" in life?

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Ultimately there is no point in anything, I agree. But it's difficult to apply that to real life. People still have goals.

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Originally Posted by Zhaylin

I didn't get my drivers license until I was about 23 years old, and then I only drove to Dr.'s appointments and such. I got turned around on the highway once (not literally), had no idea where I was or where I was going. I ended up at an FBI base (?) and was crying lol
I felt like a major idiot, but I learned from it. I'm still scared about directions though.
Since then, I've put major miles on vehicles ranging from station wagons, sports cars, convertibles, vans and an RV.
Just because you get a late start doesn't mean you're a loser. Sometimes the best things come later and then you appreciate it more.
:hug: I know what you mean about wanting to create. I used to write novellas and poetry/songs and now it's just.... blah. I have no inspiration or something. Maybe I'm just lazy.

I have been in an SI sort of mood since yesterday. And yes, I've given in a couple times. Now THAT'S being a loser :lol: I'm what... 37 years old and I STILL haven't learned how to properly cope with stress. Sheesh.

Oh... the older you get (at least in my experience) the less you care about what other people think about you. I branded my arm some time ago. I have a hideous scar but I wear tank tops and short sleeved shirts all the time. If people don't like it, they don't have to look at me :D

Hope you feel better soon.
I need to rush out the door to pick up my daughter for her 8 hour visit...

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Thanks for the reply. When I say I feel old, I'm comparing it to how I've felt before, which has been young. It's difficult to even consider myself an adult. My mind is still used to being a teenager. I don't actually think 22 is old, it's still young. 37 is still young too. I used to consider 37 to be pretty old, but now that my parents are in their 50's, 37 seems young now. I have stopped caring about what people think of me as much lately. I hope it continues. But my mom seems to care a lot about what people think of her, so I've worried that particular thing isn't in my genes.

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Originally Posted by Unelias

About the scar, well I can think it is a lot worse for women since you want to look pretty. Personally, I have always carried all my ( rather numerous ) scars with pride.

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I don't care much about looking 'pretty'. I mean I like to look attractive, but I've never considered the scar to get in the way of that much. There are times I feel a certain pride over it. But I'd feel it a lot more if the scar was caused by some experience or some time of serious suffering, or a fight or something. But it was caused by self-infliction, over a really stupid and vain issue, I might add. It's hard to feel pride over something like that.

Sorry if my responses slowed near the end. AustrailianFire's were really condensed and I happened to have an immediate response to about every sentence. I payed attention to all. I'm also really tired.

Someone is over :/
i never really like it by the next day....

Dianeva, understandable. But still, scars tend to stay there to remind us. Maybe it is not source of pride, but certainly it has a meaning for you. Maybe its mere presence prevents things like that from happening ever again.

I haven't slept for 2 days. Or I have, but only for hours and even then I was half awake. I have a rough day coming up so I'll try to sharpen up and sleep later. The only downside is that I have to.. look sharp. My eyes give me away.

My entire face gives me away, Unelias :lol: I swear I age 10+ years when I skip sleep for just one night! Even with makeup on, I still look haggard.

My rant is still this headache. I woke at around 10:30AM. As soon as I lifted my head off the bed, the headache was there. Right now it's just a dull ache. But tonight I'll want to chop my head off just to be rid of the weight. By the time I go to bed, I WILL want to cry. Any time I change positions and lift my head, the headache will become unbearable. So, I'll settle on sleeping on my back because it will hurt less.
Urgh... now I have to research Wellbutrin some more because if these headaches ARE caused by the meds, I think it might be time to give up on them. 2 weeks is long enough (or should be) for most side effects to discontinue.

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Originally Posted by Zhaylin

My entire face gives me away, Unelias :lol: I swear I age 10+ years when I skip sleep for just one night! Even with makeup on, I still look haggard.

My rant is still this headache. I woke at around 10:30AM. As soon as I lifted my head off the bed, the headache was there. Right now it's just a dull ache. But tonight I'll want to chop my head off just to be rid of the weight. By the time I go to bed, I WILL want to cry. Any time I change positions and lift my head, the headache will become unbearable. So, I'll settle on sleeping on my back because it will hurt less.
Urgh... now I have to research Wellbutrin some more because if these headaches ARE caused by the meds, I think it might be time to give up on them. 2 weeks is long enough (or should be) for most side effects to discontinue.

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I used to get the worst headaches when I was around 11-12. It was a heavy throbbing pain at the upper back of my head, and would never seem to go away. I outgrew it, but every time I get a headache it's amplified because I keep thinking they're going to come back.

Get better. Headaches suck. :(

I think I hate weekends... Or at least when I'm not working. As much as a bitch about work, I love it. But I get so goddamned depressed on weekends. well... Sundays at least since I work Saturdays like 9 times out of ten.

Thanks Puffin :)
I used to get nightmarish headaches as a teenager too. They were always at the top of my head and I feared their return for a long time. I seemed to have outgrown them as well.

I did my research and Wellbutrin IS known to cause the exact headache I've been having. They go away, for most people, after 2-3 weeks. So, I'll give it another week and if there's been no improvement. I'll cut myself back.

OldSparta, you sound like my hubby. I think he gets depressed on his days off because he has time to think about stuff. That and he feels directionless- this and that needs done around the house but he doesn't have time or energy to do anything, and if he pushed himself, which would he do first? So he just mopes around.
Hope Monday gets here quickly for you :)

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Originally Posted by Zhaylin

OldSparta, you sound like my hubby. I think he gets depressed on his days off because he has time to think about stuff. That and he feels directionless- this and that needs done around the house but he doesn't have time or energy to do anything, and if he pushed himself, which would he do first? So he just mopes around.
Hope Monday gets here quickly for you :)

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Its more like... I have nothign to do anymore, I don't really hang out with any of my friends that stayed here. I have a dead end job that I love, but I make 12$ an hour, YAY!, and I dunno, I guess I'm lonely, I need a girlfriend or something. And I feel like setting my yard on fire everything I step on the other side of the hedge because its in such poor shape. My dad used to take really good care of it, but since he died, I just don't care about it. Neither does my mom.

Bah... was back at the walk-in clinic today with my daughter. They actually did a throat culture this time and she does, indeed, have strep. She's had it for at least 2 months. Now they are trying her on basic penicillin. She has an excuse to be absent from school today and tomorrow.
Which the court is going to love when we show up for her truancy meeting on Wednesday. Thankfully, we can show them the Dr. excuse :D
BUT, I might end up going to jail that day. I doubt it, but it's a very real possibility.
Oh well, I'll use those 10-30 days to quit smoking :roll:

Working two jobs in addition to going to college is starting to take its toll on me, I'm pretty much drinking and smoking myself to sleep every night only to wake up and repeat the whole process. Also the girl I have a crush on at work told me "you're so cute, its too bad you're gay"........Fuck my life. Ahh teenage angst.

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Originally Posted by stormcrow

Also the girl I have a crush on at work told me "you're so cute, its too bad you're gay"........Fuck my life. Ahh teenage angst.

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:cackle:
Wow, that's hilarious, especially if she wasn't joking. Did you correct her?