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:hug: HeWhoShapes, NeoNeo
lol, Neo... I know all about your first rant. Last night I had 73 Notifications :wtf: hehehe I just figured it was a glitch or something.
I dreamed my p-doc was with crutches... also had long flying dreams, which was amazing :)
My only rant is that I'm starving... time for more peanut butter...
Rave: school is going well. Not perfectly, of course, but far fewer things have gone wrong than I’d anticipated. A girl in one of the same classes as me started talking to me and now I’ve become almost comfortable with her, and another girl she introduced me to. Most of the day goes just fine, I do all the work, I learn and understand things.
Rant: every time I get home, I prepare myself to do the things I need to and instead end up dissolving into a mess of tears because I thought about the wrong things and I can’t stand life, can’t stand anything, and I do next to none of what I need to but instead spend most of that time crying horribly and letting my thoughts carry me away to some really stupid and unpleasant places and sometimes trying (unsuccessfully) to distract myself with the internet. Give up, go to sleep. Wake in the morning. Rinse and repeat. This makes me really hate myself sometimes—I should be getting things done, or if I’m going to be wasting time do it by reading or learning or anything but just sitting and crying, only I fail repeatedly at making myself do this.
It’s like I’m a stupid little kid trying to get through life without messing up and I have to talk myself through everything – when I get really upset and it seems like everything is over I talk myself through it, I try out different ways of thinking and get so lost and caught up in them, I think the most horribly self-deprecating and life-loathing things with utter conviction but surely my overall worldview is both far more positive and kinder to myself and the others around me (only what is it worth when it so easily fades out of existence and I keep having to draw it back in?)—I’m so completely childish and it reflects in every one of my words. While writing this I’ve bitten and torn my lip to bleeding.
I'm fairly unsure about posting this. It seems somehow trivial and out of place, but then, if anyone finds it so, they can skim over it easily enough *plants self in thread*
It feels like a long time since I’ve done any of the things I love, probably longer than it has been—but nevertheless, it's been a while.
What now?
Jesus Christ so much stress lately! But I arrived home and it started to rain, smoothly, and then it came stronger a stronger. It hasn't rained here for almost 5 months so I couldn't lose the chance to get wet! I took off my shirt, my pants and ended up soaked in the rain, in briefs, singing, screaming, spinning around and with a smile too big to fit on my face. I missed this feeling, the adrenaline, the euphoria, feels outstandingly good.
Welcome to the wonderful world of overpaid drug dispensaries, who guess your problem based solely on what you tell them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dianeva
That makes sense though. If you had a little more courage or whatever it takes to get yourself out there (in my case I just ignored it, it wasn't lack of courage, just that I was focusing too much on myself and my feelings etc.), you would have overcome your fear without drugs or counseling.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dianeva
I guess you could then say your problem is lack of courage, or too aware of yourself or whatever, and that's what needs to be treated. But for some reason they don't think like that (coz the whole industry is basically pseudoscience).
Cars.
That's my rant. When are we going to start teleporting? Oh well, for now I guess I just need to dump more money into my car.
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD!!!!!!!!!
This bitch will NEVER fucking stop torturing me!
Can't really explain what happened without a long-winded post, but SESEKSDNHDFIHIDNDkdl!
That's it, I'm not letting it go anymore. Karma does not exist. I am the karma.
:hug: Tommo.
Sefalik... I share your complaint. I just went to a Garage with my hubby to order new tires: $730.- or thereabouts. I also made an appointment to have my oil changed. What a relief! The garage is about 5 minutes down the road from us. I had been having my oil changed through the Honda dealership with is an hour away.
A man after my own heart, Astaroth. Sounds amazing, you dancing in the rain :)
:hug: Vasiona. How old are you? Those annoying mood events were common for me until I was at least a couple years into my 20's. I wouldn't be a teen or in my 20's again for anything in the world. Just hang in there. It DOES get better. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone if it becomes too unbearable.
My rants are:
Why is it every time I see "Say the first thing that pops in your head", I think "poop". "Pop" and "Poop" are two very different words. You'd think I'd know by now that is reads "POP". :roll: Either that or my mind can be really immature sometimes :cackle:
A more annoying rant is that there's still no money on my card yet :panic: I've already lost Netflix. Hulu Plus is next to go if it's not loaded soon.
Another rant is that I have to buy de-worming meds for the animals on Monday. One of the cats (probably Pumpkin- the kitten), barfed up a bunch of worms. If the worms aren't killed soon, they'll kill the cat. Ms. Molly is doing better though. I thought she was a goner, but she seems to be on the mends. She ended up with full cold symptoms- runny nose and slightly runny eyes, lethargy, sneezing. And there IS something funny about her face. The kids pointed it out too. Maybe it swelling from nasal congestion?
I feel bad though because I forgot all about Climber. We have 3 cats and one kitten then. Climber vanished for several days, so I guess, out of sight, out of memory.
A rave is that I have an app on my iPad for journaling. I'm going to try to write and take my pic every single day for a year. Let's see how long I can keep that up before I forget lol I should make a smaller goal and work up from there.
Gah!- now I need to start working on laundry...
Hope everyone has a good day.
Ugh, I really don't understand myself sometimes. Actually, I don't understand myself more than I'd like to. I'm a dumbass sometimes, I find myself unconfortable with some situation, so I decide not to do it, but then I hate myself for not having done it, because I don't expose myself to those shitty, meaningless fears and anxieties.
Just like a moment ago, I was outside with some friends and this guy whose personality is amazing and I really like it appears (I had not seen it for a really long time) and then he asks me to go to some pub to drink some beers and talk and stuff, but I find myself unconfortable and anxious because of all the people and my mood instantly goes dooooown and doooown, so goodbye. Duh, I hate this so much.
I've found that I don't know how to express myself properly, it's like I have an ''organized mess'' in my head but when it comes to write it down I can't write more than two lines, so annoying.
Argh! Stink bugs everywhere! The farmer chopped the corn today, so stink bugs are in attack mode. One of the little fuckers stank in my hair and it still stinks after 4x shampoo. :mad:
Oh page 666.
Gibby is fat :( Cat diets are hard
Oooh, page 666, hehe, gotta get me some of that.
I had so much fun at work today. Rant or rave? You decide.
Idk
I just want to make sure I'm on page 666.
I'm sorry, I don't really visit this but I noticed the thread has 666 pages and.. well.. here I am for this.
Planning to cut my hair short and get highlights in this colour:
https://thehunt.insnw.net/app/public...ee0d38e434.jpg
Don't forget to bleach your hair to really white first, where it's supposed to be blue, Anju! Good luck - not easy an endeavour! :wink:
:panic:
All week I have practised for the darts-tournament yesterday, and then I drove there, other side of the city, and I couldn't find it - no number 91 in that street, nothing lower than 95 (??). My google maps printout didn't show it correctly - I even took a taxi, and that also couldn't find it, cost me 20.- Euro for searching and not finding it, that taxi.
I was halfway crying on the way home - there are only 6 of these in the year, and the points add up, and I was leaving the house with time to spare, but without a telephone-number/I-Phone with internet. Hope my darts-forum people don't think, I chickened out (again :oops:).
So devastated, I had worked so hard for this...:crying:
Edit: At least I was lucid last night!
Oooh, very pretty Anju!!
:hug: Steph, everyone else.
My rant is that the inside of my cheek is all torn up again. But I finally realized I don't "chew" it. I create a vacuum in my mouth when I sleep. At some point, I clamp down on my cheeks then I change the pressure of the vacuum and sort of suck the skin through the clamp. What the heck? If I'm on a roll, I'll do that several times a night. It's one of those pleasurable pains and because I'm sleeping, I guess I don't consciously realize what an idiot I'm being.
Another rant is that hubby took a tumble yesterday. We were heading out for food at 4:30. When his garage door opened as he was making his exit, I noticed he was on the ground. I jumped out of the car and ran over to him to see if he was okay. "No.", he replied. I picked up the lens from his glasses and followed him in to help. Gah! His knees were skinned, his right arm had a huge goose egg near the bend of his elbow and he had abrasions up and down that arm. He also had an extremely slight abrasion near his eye and above it. I helped clean him up and my syncope kicked in a wee bit.
Turns out, his sandal caught on a small plastic container full of tools. When he fell, he nicked his head against a car jack. It could have turned out SO much worse!!!! I didn't say this out loud, but it was only a matter of time. He's tripped (but not fallen) countless times in that garage. It's so cluttered, it takes some serious skill to navigate on the best of days.
We didn't get out of the house until 5:30. We went to the Outback but there was a 45 minute wait... so we pressed on to an Italian restaurant and faced another 45 minute wait. It's homecoming weekend :bang: lol. We thought we were doomed, but I suggested Cracker Barrel. We were the last people to get seated right away :banana: We both had the Catfish Platter. I got hashbrown casserole, green beans and a cucumber/tomato/onion "salad". I ate the hashbrowns first and was full :roll: But I made yself eat one of the fish and most of the green beans. AHHHH! SOOOOO friggin delicious!!! Then I was in the bathroom for 20 minutes before we even left :roll:
I can scratch that meal off as something I cannot eat :crying: I guess I'll just have to stick to my regular: French Toast with butter, syrup, whipped cream and a banana. Which makes NO sense. You'd think all that sweetness would be disagreeable.
The kids were happy because they've had Ramen all week and got our leftovers. Hubby had lots left over too.
Oh yes... another rant is that the girls thought it was okay to bring a puppy home with them. What the heck?! They better clean up after him!!! And I hope they realize it's going to be significantly more difficult to find a place to rent with both a kitten and a dog. He cannot stay here. I don't do housebreaking.
Zhaylin— :hug: backQuote:
Originally Posted by Zhaylin
I’m seventeen, so I guess I do have some years to go before teenage hormones and such will even out. Thank you a lot for your words, though. I hope that your cats recover well and your girls can perhaps find another place for the puppy
*
A fairly random rant/rave is nostalgia. Earlier I lay on my back on my bed and stared unblinkingly up at the ceiling until my vision shifted and the patterns changed depth and tone. Until I finally blinked, there were spirals and swirls among all the bumps. Somehow this strongly reminded me of being seven or so and doing something very similar, living at my grandparents’ close by the sea in another country (I miss the smell of the sea, the rhythm of the language, the time spent with my grandparents—they are still around but I rarely see them.) I remembered the lighting, the different flow of my own mind and different proportions of my body. As though time had reset and I’d gone all the way back to then and there; of course, I hadn’t really, but it made me wish I had. Memory is strange: how is it that things can be so close and so faraway, so insubstantial and at the same time sometimes all the more real for looking back at them? Everything here at once and nothing but this flimsy moment which has to keep moving on for us to even be able notice it
Sometimes I wish to be some kind of creature which could slip around and observe this from the gaps. Real life and all its details, confusion and names are like constant unpleasant awakening (or maybe more like dream-distraction?) After a while I need to slide away. Then, perhaps it wouldn’t be all that different at all. This way it's at least possible to communicate it, and true, though parts of life can seem endless, being human, or at least being human like this, living this moment and life (whether there's something else or not) is surely far from permanent
Thanks for that hug, Vasiona :)
My current rant: the adrenalin surges have struck in force. They started yesterday, but now they're driving me batty :bang: And my card still hasn't been loaded :furious: Buying my meds this week, without that extra money is going to hurt. The kids are rebelling against Ramen lol. They need to stop being such dunces. They get food stamps and spend most of it the first week. They need to learn to make it stretch or come to appreciate ramen.
Another rant is spiders. I'm really getting sick of the buggers. I actually stripped off my skirt in the driveway yesterday because I felt a pinch. When I felt through my skirt, I felt something and squeezed a little. I felt it squirming :panic: So I stripped off my skirt then and there :cackle: A spider dropped down and promptly attacked an ant :roll: I guess he had to take his aggression out on something else- even though he bit me a couple times. I had a spider under my skirt a couple weeks before that, and another earlier in the day yesterday before being bit.
I caught one about to go in my skirt where I place it when I go to bed. I saw that sucker and smushed him though.
What the heck? I can understand getting the occasional spider if I'm walking through the yard. I wear long skirts so it would be an easy thing for them to hitch a ride. But THIS frequently? Gah!!
I'm sleepy but don't want to go to bed. I'm sipping on Vallarian tea though, so I guess it's only a matter of time.
I saw hubby earlier and egad!- that guy has a serious bruise. It's a very pretty shade of dark purple right across his eyelid. It looks like he's wearing eyeshadow lol.
Ugh... I have such intense brain fog tongight that I'm actually a little concerned. Hubby saw me after I returned form the store and he was concerned too. Said I was clammy.
I walked through the Dollar Tree and just wanted to lay down on the floor and sleep. I didn't wake until 3:30 this afternoon. But the adrenaline surges are exceptionally exhausting, so it's probably only that. Or I have a brain tumor and am dying :roll: lol. Such a hypercondriact!
I also have a mild headache. Gah!
I think I'm just drepressed because I have no money. When I went shopping, I realized how broke I am and it through me into a tail spin. Or something.
Kids were giving me grief earlier because I wouldn't buy them pizza. Daughter said I enable my other kids then turned around and reemed me because I wouldn't do her bidding. Okay. Whatever.
I'm going to watch a show then go back to bed. I have an appointment for my tires and oil tomorrow (tires didn't come in until this afternoon). It will be nice to have that out of the way!
I HOPE I CAN LD TONIGHTTTTTT OGMGMGMGG ITS SO HARDDDDD
page 666, hmmm I wanna be part of it....
Let's hope I won't get 667
lolfuck
And BOOM- I'm back to myself :) :banana:
Last nights headache got worse, fast and with it came more nausea. I took 1/4 of Valium and thought I'd fall right to sleep. Nope. I was awake until 4AM. As soon as the Valium kicked in I felt a million times better- just not sleepy anymore which is really weird for me
So, I think last nights episode was a mix of anxiety with maybe some panic and an incoming headache.
I know I say this all the time, but I really need to stay on top of my meds better. I don't want to run out ever again. Last night was miserable and scary.
I am equally surprised that I'm awake. Valium usually knocks me out forever- even a 1/4. I'm actually wide awake and feeling good. For the most part :D
I rubbed off some skin on one of my toes. There was a bug bite or something and I absentmindedly did it. It doesn't hurt, but it stings a little. Last night, I dreamed, I completely rubbed the skin off all of my toes and I could see inside of them. I saw the veins and was humored because it looked like they were thread, holding my foot together.
I'm also ranting a wee bit because one of my fingertips is (are?) sore. When I opened the package holding my meds, the staple stabbed me :roll:
Hope everyone has a great day.
Hopefully inb4 667.
Been friggin tired the past week. I don't know what it is, but I've had to take a nap like every day, and even took 2 today (although one was in class). On the bright side, sleep debt = more REM = more dreams, so I've got that going for me.
Oh and gosh, hard to believe we're halfway through the semester. Which can only mean one thing, MIDTERMS. I have 3 over the next 3 days, all of which I am grossly unprepared for. Plus, between work and other duties, probably not much time to study.
Oh, and I'm depressed. I'm stressing out over everything this week, which makes me more depressed, which makes me less able to work, which puts me farther behind, which stresses me out even more... You get the idea. I'm so tired that I don't want to do anything, but, alas,
http://sendcereblog.com/wp-content/u...-butterfly.jpg
If I survive this week, I could probably survive the apocalypse.
It's 8:00 AM and I didn't get any sleep. Fucking fuck...