Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

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Originally Posted by tommo

Well, the anger is back.... thanks scumbag brain.

Eminem's new album is offering me a bit of emotional release, pretty much perfect timing to release it. He's so damn good at easing my pain a bit when I'm full of hatred or sadness.
And one of the songs is like.... my situation exactly, ridiculously similar to how I feel.

I don't know why people dismiss rap so readily.

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I agree about finding songs that really get your vibe, ironically i always find new songs and new artists that always makes songs (also old ones) that gets how i feel and think....very few people can find old and new artists/songs that vibe with them often. This is why i don't hold onto one artist because i differ on how i feel sometimes and when i feel calm and happy...i don't know why i have to listen to hip hop ....i listen to r&b when i'm going to a phase....pop alternative etc. But i don't dismiss rap....i listen to different rap artists even unknown ones which are so much better.

I started taking supplements that are conducive to lucid dreaming, and it is boosting my recall exponentially.

I also had a sex dream about my wife. What the hell.

Speaking of sex dreams, i've been having them often...and last night felt like i was a virgin again.... what in the hell? lol

Wow, I didn't remember it was possible to feel that worthless. It all feels in vain, it feels like I'm killing myself. This is horrible, these feelings of insecurity and unexistent self-steem makes me want to sleep forever. I'm just so dumb and people keep telling me just to be happy and change the way I am, like it's that easy.

I feel stupid with every decision and action I take, people keep moving on and things happen, and I am here just watching time run and not doing anything. Everything feels terrifying.

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Originally Posted by Astaroth

Wow, I didn't remember it was possible to feel that worthless. It all feels in vain, it feels like I'm killing myself. This is horrible, these feelings of insecurity and unexistent self-steem makes me want to sleep forever. I'm just so dumb and people keep telling me just to be happy and change the way I am, like it's that easy.

I feel stupid with every decision and action I take, people keep moving on and things happen, and I am here just watching time run and not doing anything. Everything feels terrifying.

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You can't just feel worthless for nothing.....someone is making you feel this way, and make sure you be far from this person as possible. For every action there's a reaction. The only time i would feel like you do is when someone else inflicts it upon me.

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Originally Posted by Tiresias

I started taking supplements that are conducive to lucid dreaming, and it is boosting my recall exponentially.

I also had a sex dream about my wife. What the hell.

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Which supplements?

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Originally Posted by tommo

Which supplements?

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That night was 100mg of B6, 200mg of 5-HTP, 500mg of Choline.

:clairity: Astaroth, Tommo and others.

I don't down-right dislike rap, but I don't like most of it simply because I find most of it offensive (language, topic etc) I love Bones, Thugs and Harmony "cross roads". And then, of course, there's silly rap like Will Smith's "Parent's just don't understand" and Marky Mark's ?? Ugh! What was it called.... I can't think of it right now. I like his version better than the original though.
I like harmony and instrumentals more than the actual words though.

My rant is that I slept for friggin ever. I napped from 1-8PM yesterday, then turned around and went back to bed at midnight and slept until 9 this morning! I woke with a headache and starving to death :roll:

I'm also sort of ranting that I gave my eldest $25. yesterday. He's been working his butt off cleaning the house- so that's a rave. But I already spend $40. a week on the boy because of his counseling sessions. He just "expects" that. He's never mentioned working it off or anything like that and I've never thought to ask... but it's kind of a jab in the ribs that I had to give him more :roll: He's done a really great job though, so I'm not complaining overly much.

A major rave is that I've almost reached the point that cigarettes disgust me. I'm still smoking about 3 a day but sometimes I forget one burning in the ashtray or I'll give it to one of my kids halfway through. I love my e-cigs. I fill my clearomizers about 4 times a day (16mg nicotine). I sometimes get mild nicotine poisoning from them (I get nauseous and sweetness sort of oozes from my gums if I dry heave- which has always been how I determine too much nicotine lol)
Next time I buy juice, I'm going to see about getting a lower mg.

A silly rant is that Luther has ended. I love that show. It only had 3 seasons, I think. I love British and Australian shows :) Sherlock was great but I feel jipped by this last season (at least the last season on Netflix)

A major rave is that the earmite meds are working miracles on Keirra.

I have some running around to do today, but all in all it should be a relaxing one.

There's a reason why i didn't want to watch today's Fifa game. It was a hard 1st match, Portugal always gets the fucking hard team! SMH....won't mean they will be bad once they go against other teams. GOD!

This is what happens when you give Portugal a hard team to play https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BofH3VlDVw8

RAVE: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooh!!!! Someone just got BUSTED AHAHAHAHAHA...told you it isn't good to fake your shit....obviously one day you will be seen as a faker. ahahaha!!! I'm loving this SO much it made my day and made myself known that i was right. :laughtillhurts: :rolllaugh: Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn! :laugh:

I am utterly enraged.

I started a master's program in Forensic Psychology. First semester, we were told we'd have a lot of opportunities and make good money. Considering this degree would cost almost 30,000, I'd hope so. This semester I take the 101 class for some reason, and the professor informed us all this is a terminus degree, and we'd make make closer to the 30,000 a year range. Considering I make way more than that, I am just sucker punched.

I could have taken the student loan debt and gotten certified in my current field to be more valuable. Now, I am just fucked.

They lie so much those damn universities. Simply a business like any other now.

If they don't have hard stats like "90% of our graduated gain employment in a relevant field" just don't take the course IMO.

Rant: I'm putting all the Chinese characters we've learned in a spreadsheet....
Yeah....
I thought I was doing okay, and then I stopped for a minute to zoom out and look at the spreadsheet, there's SO MANY I have no idea on.
There's also about 120 so far, and I still have three more chapters to go.... uguehg;ehnES:kjgnsdkjsnkjdnkjsdngijsdbngjsdbgsjdb
This is gonna take me a couple more hours and then I still have to learn them by next week.

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY CRAP!!! :holycrap: IT IS DARK LIKE NIGHT OUTSIDE NOW!! It's only 6:30pm sun goes down around 8!! Some friggin storm, it was hot and sunny here then suddenly BAM darkness and scary shit! Tells you that something is coming...it's too quiet out O_O
Oh ya total waterfall and winds now.

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Originally Posted by Anju

Yes, you really are a handsome devil, even without smiling for the camera! :D

And of course that's me in the avatar pic. Thank you! I'm sure you already know it's me and you're pretending that you don't..lol :chuckle:

Rant: Some people in my company are giving me a hard time after i put in my papers today. All kinds of emotional manipulation...they're trying to make me feel guilty about leaving and somehow get me to stay. Surprisingly, my boss was nice and wished me luck. It's the senior managers who have a problem. The more polite I am, the more they try to influence my decision. Offering me money, offering me a different designation and a whole lot of emotional arguments. So I had to take a strong stand and act like a total bitch. Had to tell them on their face that I will not change my decision no matter what. Apparently they don't let anyone go without making it seem like they're burning bridges. :whyme:

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Thank you! :D
Busted! Yeah I knew it was you, but I was completely honest, you are a beautiful women! :)

That sux what's happening in your work place :(, but yeah keep a firm attitude, they'll eventually get that you've made up your mind. Good luck though!

Rant: this dang heat! Gonna get me some iced soda then :D

I have completed Day 5 of 5K a Day. I want to do two more days. It's getting way easier.

Just having those days when i start questioning myself and doubting stuff......i know i been through this doubting part....it's just the dark side wanting you to feel bad because you are starting to feel better....i am forever fighting it until i don't need to anymore.
But i really hate feeling this way when i do...then i meditate and all is okay.

Feel better Hathor :clairity:

I agree Louai! This heat is killing all of us. We might get some really great thunderstorms out of it though :)
I finally now just broke down and stripped into shorts and a tank top. I was wearing a long, heavy dark skirt, a short sleeve shirt and a vest all day (my preferred clothes). It's too friggin hot for modesty though :lol:

I have a rant and a rave. I went to Smoker Friendly in the next town on the way to my sons counseling. I got chatting with a guy about his huge e-cig (like mine that had broke) and he asked me about my crochet lanyard. I told him I made them, he said I should sell them- that I'd get anywhere from $3.- $10. for one. He's leaving town (not a local) but would be back in a month and would like to buy one. The managers of the store had been chatting with him for some time before my entrance and chimed in that he wasn't leaving for a couple of days. Maybe I could make one by then? No problem, I said. I could whip up a couple tonight.
:bang:
We exchanged numbers. I have two that I had previously made but I don't like them for one reason or another. I've been trying to make a new one but I make all of these by "ear" and I don't remember how I did the previous ones. Bleg.

The managers said they should talk to the owner about setting me up with a cabinet to sell them out of- that I should make some of varying sizes to show off.

I'm flattered and all- and the extra cash would be a blessing. But I truly doubt my stuff is good enough to sell. I still haven't learned how to properly tie off the lanyards. And I've never washed one (I'll wear them in the shower every now and then) so I don't know how they'll hold up in that regard either.

But I'm going to put some together and see what they think :) I feel they were just being nice and looking for something to talk about, though.

@ Zhaylin Yeah a storm would kick down the heat, I hope it would come soon. Thank god for air conditioning, truly a blessing lol
I guess you can make some and try to see if they sell. Plus, you can always postpone it until you get better at making them. Though that money seems nice, how much time does it take you to make one piece?

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Originally Posted by LouaiB

Thank you! :D
Busted! Yeah I knew it was you, but I was completely honest, you are a beautiful women! :)

That sux what's happening in your work place :(, but yeah keep a firm attitude, they'll eventually get that you've made up your mind. Good luck though!

Rant: this dang heat! Gonna get me some iced soda then :D

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Louai, I'm flattered. :D But I'm taking down that pic because I have the same one on FB, so anyone who does a reverse image search comes straight to my DV profile. Not that anyone would do it..but you never know!

Is it hot everywhere else? Here the winter seems to have started already, we're freezing! So unfair that Bangalore has such a long winter. :/

Tomorrow is my last day and I have to return this laptop. I'll get a laptop at the new office but I don't want to carry it home on a daily basis. That means I can't use internet at home for a while and won't be regular on DV. But I'm buying my own soon.

Life is so madly hectic! :|

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Originally Posted by Anju

Louai, I'm flattered. :D But I'm taking down that pic because I have the same one on FB, so anyone who does a reverse image search comes straight to my DV profile. Not that anyone would do it..but you never know!

Is it hot everywhere else? Here the winter seems to have started already, we're freezing! So unfair that Bangalore has such a long winter. :/

Tomorrow is my last day and I have to return this laptop. I'll get a laptop at the new office but I don't want to carry it home on a daily basis. That means I can't use internet at home for a while and won't be regular on DV. But I'm buying my own soon.

Life is so madly hectic! :|

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Yeah nosy ppl might, that's like one of the fast ways to look up another person lol.

I miss winter -m-
Getting coast by the heater with the southing relaxing sound of rain drop as the hit the window glass
Nostalgia nostalgia nostalgia lol

But, but, it's a laptop, it's supposed to be portable! Internet=life. No internet = no life
:(

WHY :bang: DO :bang: PEOPLE :bang: KEEP :bang: THINKING THAT I AM WITH SOME NEW GUY???!!! My mom even got a feeling that i have one now after a divorce that i go ASAP jump in to someone else because i am wearing better clothing!!?
:bang: CAN'T I JUST BE ALONE FOR A YEAR OR TWO BEFORE I WASTE MORE ENERGY ON DIPSHIT GUYS????! G-O-D! PEOPLE EVEN YOUR OWN FAMILY THINK THEY KNOW YOU MORE THAN YOURSELF....BUT HEY IF I DO GET SOMEONE...IT WILL BE WHEN I AM NOT LOOKING.
My mom be like.... "WHY ARE YOU GOING OUT AGAIN?? ARE YOU SEEING SOMEONE??!! YOU JUST CAME HOME!" Then she starts making me fearful if i do...like say that some guy will kill me if i go out with them and stuff...like i'm stupid?? She should know better smh, maybe she had a bad day and is taking out on me...always.
This is why i don't commune with her often, once she visits me at my place it's some drama....but it fades away and comes back again urgh.
SO glad i have my own place! Less Negativity, more Positivity. Breath of fresh air! That's all i need. Plus no one is living with me again. That line has been made already.

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Originally Posted by hathor28

WHY :bang: DO :bang: PEOPLE :bang: KEEP :bang: THINKING THAT I AM WITH SOME NEW GUY???!!! My mom even got a feeling that i have one now after a divorce that i go ASAP jump in to someone else because i am wearing better clothing!!?
:bang: CAN'T I JUST BE ALONE FOR A YEAR OR TWO BEFORE I WASTE MORE ENERGY ON DIPSHIT GUYS????! G-O-D! PEOPLE EVEN YOUR OWN FAMILY THINK THEY KNOW YOU MORE THAN YOURSELF....BUT HEY IF I DO GET SOMEONE...IT WILL BE WHEN I AM NOT LOOKING.
My mom be like.... "WHY ARE YOU GOING OUT AGAIN?? ARE YOU SEEING SOMEONE??!! YOU JUST CAME HOME!" Then she starts making me fearful if i do...like say that some guy will kill me if i go out with them and stuff...like i'm stupid?? She should know better smh, maybe she had a bad day and is taking out on me...always.
This is why i don't commune with her often, once she visits me at my place it's some drama....but it fades away and comes back again urgh.
SO glad i have my own place! Less Negativity, more Positivity. Breath of fresh air! That's all i need. Plus no one is living with me again. That line has been made already.

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I So GET THIS!!
My mom is extremely negative too! Pulls you down right under! God if she wants to be miserable all the time, why drag me with her?!
I can't wait for my own place!

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Originally Posted by LouaiB

I So GET THIS!!
My mom is extremely negative too! Pulls you down right under! God if she wants to be miserable all the time, why drag me with her?!
I can't wait for my own place!

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Ya if my dad was still alive he would tell her to leave me be, and that would make her even more mad LOL! Plus i got my older brother to take that part now, he would say the same thing....and my grandma. You can see how very concerned about others she is instead of herself....her own health is going down as well. Once you are away from negativity your health is better.

Misery loves company. :roll: :bang:

Oh no, Anju :panic:
Return often and hurry up and get your own machine :)

Louai, I think my skill has topped out. There's some things I just can't wrap my mind around. I will keep trying to improve though :) Youtube is awesome where that's concerned. I've learned a lot of things by watching others.
We got a lot of lightening in the distance last night, but not really any storms. It did cool off some though. I'm the only one in the house with AC. It's a window unit and it can't quite keep up with the worst of the heat. But I'm fairing much better than my kids. It's so hot the playstation doesn't even work (keeps overheating and shutting down).

I finally figured out the lanyard last night. I worked on it about 6 hours, but most of that was from taking it apart and redoing it. Once I got going, it only took a couple of hours to make. I spent $13. in yarn (three different colors and I also bought some beads to play around with). If no one likes them, I'm going to have lanyards out the wazoo lol
Now I just have to call the guy and see if he's really interested. I have 2 I can get to him today.
If he is, I'll have to put $10. into my tank in order to get it to him. With this initial sell, I'd be breaking even :lol:

My rant is that I have an extremely sore throat... but my lymph nodes aren't swollen which is really weird for me. My ears are a bit weepy which, I guess, points to allergies. I also have a sore at the top back of my mouth. It's tiny, but it's bothering me to bits. Even more strange, it looks like I have a varicose vein beside my uvula but on the opposite side of the worst of my sore throat :huh: Can you even get varicose veins in your mouth lol

Tiny came home last night and stood in the window and hissed at all the kittens. The dog chased her down a while ago and gave her love and then she actually came inside for a bit and ate... and hissed at the kittens. I don't know what she's been eating for the last couple of weeks. She's a great hunter, so I guess she's been living off nature. She's not under nourished, miraculously enough (and we don't have neighbors to feed her). Weird cat.
Climber's getting better. She had uncontrollable bouts of diareah for several days, but it seems to be clearing up. Now SHE looks under nourished (too thin but still healthy looking- no bones showing or anything like that). Her kittens are MUCH too small for their age, but they seem to be doing well too. The runt is literally half the size of the healthiest though. The runt's coloring is so weird. He's the panda one, only with cream/white/cream, gray tipped ears and tail. He's also has medium length fur. The healthiest is dark with long fur and the middle ones are short haired. I keep calling the runt a he but I'm pretty sure they're all girls :bang:

In other news, I'm cutting my Celexa in half (from 80mg to 40). I just cannot live with these yawns any more. It feels like I'm starving for air. I thought it was a side effect of my anxiety (it gets worse when I'm more stressed and it presented before I took any meds at all). But, excessive yawning is a somewhat common side effect of SSRI's. Now I just worry about my period pain coming back. I can play around with the doing for awhile and see what helps. Thankfully, my p-doc has come to trust my instincts on these things so he wont give me much of a hard time when I see him on the 24.

Gotta get off my butt and call the guy...

GRRRRRRR... I hate not knowing what something is. I hate killing critters, but I'm going to have to make a bug board or something.
There was a freaky looking slow moving spider on my desk last night. I shooed him with a pencil and he fell somewhere I couldn't see. I'm fairly certain I saw the same little guy next to my bed earlier (he was missing a leg). I had a tube of muscle rub and I wanted him to stay on it so I could take him outside, but then the little bugger moved faster and I dropped both into the dogs water bowl lol.
"Huh", I thought. "What a great chance to take some pics".
So I did. He's not a spider after all. If he was missing only one leg, he would have had 6- not 8. But it looked like he has (?) mandibles and not antenna, no stinger, no wings, and his body looks 2 segmented not 3 (I thought he was a weird ant because he looks like a picture of an ant mimic that I found.

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(Awesome, I didn't know we could upload pics now :lol:)

I did a reverse image search and asked FB but I've found nothing to tell me what it is. I took him outside when I was done and scooped him out of the water with a clover. He seemed perfectly fine after my abuse, but now I have nothing further to refer to.
Do y'all have any ideas?

Okay so this is what happened.. My crush is here and he came to me at an unexpected time and asked if I was leaving. He asked a few things about when and where I'm going and wished me luck and shook hands. That was it! I didn't say anything more. :|