Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Originally Posted by tommo

I'm also kind of worrying myself. I'm bordering on racism with the feelings and thoughts I have regarding those Lankan girls. They sit together, don't talk to other people.... if only one of them is there, they sit by themselves.... recently if I'm there they will talk to each other in Sinhala.... so I'm completely excluded from the conversation. Yet one of them said several times to me that she wants to make more Aussie friends. So why does she intentionally alienate herself?

First, I'm glad to hear you've give up on her for now. And about missing a week, I missed a week of all my classes this semester and was advised to e-mail the teachers to ask if there's anything I need to do to catch up. I never actually did that due to anxiety, a flaw of mine in which I don't normally communicate with anyone unless I have to. But it might be a good idea... lol.

After writing all this, just a warning that I'm going onto an extreme tangent. In my experience, living in an extremely multicultural area, everyone separates themselves into groups. I'm not sure what the cause is, but it may just happen naturally. People feel they fit into the group of their own race and develop an 'us vs them' mindset. And people who aren't white (here, at least) are usually the most racist and exclusive because they feel they're oppressed. And that can get really bad when they're actually the majority. I don't deny I still have a lot of subconscious racism toward Chinese people and Asians in general because of how exclusive and unfriendly they seemed to me in high school (the high school I went to was about 95% Chinese). I know I have a lot of social problems, but I have a feeling that if I'd been to a mostly white or at least more diverse high school, there may have been some group of friends I'd have fallen into. Instead, I'd walk the halls and everyone would be in little groups, usually speaking Chinese. And even though diversity is great and all there's this overwhelming feeling that I don't want these strange looking and acting people to completely take over and replace the people I feel I can relate to, whose facial expressions I can more subtly recognize, etc.

That was all in Richmond, which is off of Vancouver. In Vancouver it's truly multicultural. There's no overwhelming ethnicity. For a tourist it might seem pretty awesome, and sometimes it is. But people still segregate themselves, so the overall experience is one of reduced social interaction. People tend to hang out in their own groups, and are quiet and friendly and a little passive aggressive to anyone else. It's just this weird thing that humans do. I worked at a place in Vancouver where almost everyone was Filipino, and they segregated themselves as much as anyone. But while a group of white people would tend to be self-conscious of being racist and a lot more accepting of other ethnicities, other ethnicities, because they tend to feel oppressed, seem to feel like they have a right to form a seclusive group and show those white people what it's like, or something, with no guilt at all.

------- (This is so tangent-y I'm putting these lines here)

It is more difficult to relate to people of other ethnicities. Studies show that people develop into their culture in many ways. The people they see most often while babies determines what people they expect to be surrounded by in adult life. Multiculturalism isn't natural. We expect to be surrounded by mostly our own types of people. That's how we evolved and it's only recently that it's been any different. I think that plays a huge role in racism. For example, at 6 months of age, all babies can categorize two different 'd' sounds, and the difference between 'b' and 'v'. They can tell individual human faces from one another no matter what the ethnicity (they can even distinguish individual monkey faces). By 9 months of age, only people in the study whose parents spoke Hindi could tell the difference between the two 'd' sounds which are pretty much like two different letters because it's only relevant in Hindi. Similarly, Spanish babies lost the ability to tell the difference between 'b' and 'v' because there is no relevant distinction in Spanish. More relevantly, all babies had difficulty distinguishing faces that weren't of their own race by 9 months of age. This is an important one, since so much of our social interaction relies on being able to accurately read faces. These are only a couple cases, and there are plenty of examples of perceptual narrowing that show differences among cultures. Our language and culture reflects the way we perceive everyday things, even those things we assume are human universal ways of seeing things. For example, a study showed that Chinese people do not automatically associate any of the things we do with being an 'artist', like disorganization. Similarly, there's a word in Chinese that reflects a type of person that people raised in a Chinese culture have categorized, which doesn't exist for other cultures, with traits like being loyal, modest and family oriented. And there's some culture in northern Canada that has multiple words for 'snow' depending on the type. (I'm sure I could find any of these studies if anyone is interested). I'm not trying to advocate racism, it was just something I find interesting, and I'm attempting to explain it somewhat.

I've never understood racism. It's a major gripe of mine. But I too think it's somewhat "natural". I grew up in Pensacola, FL which had a large black population. I was bullied a lot throughout school (even pushed down a flight of stairs) but by white kids. A couple buff black guys sort of took me annonymously under their wing by walking nearby to keep the bullies away I didn't see people in terms of black and white and I was always very outspoken against racism.
But then comes my kids.... raised in a small country town where almost everyone is white. We were faithfully in our religion back then and went to large conventions where other races were present. My young kids would stare, be apprehensive, ask why other people looked "funny". They were even ageist They were barely in school so these things weren't peer related.

Being so color blind myself, that behavior was really hard for me to deal with. I spoke with my kids, explained differences and how differences were good but it just never clicked until they got to Middle school/High School and had more exposure.

Racism always creates a very polarizing emotion in me. I don't have white guilt, but I know how fucked minorities are. My home town housed mother fucking David Duke, which makes my skin crawl thinking he was within walking distance of me at any point, spreading his poison.

I've experienced racism down there against black people, mostly, and it was always so gross to me.

I have no raves or rants today (well, I do, but not for public consumption). Just hoping everyone has a great day really.

My cat is getting dehydrated
But every time I fill up her water bowl she knocks it over and spills everything

Is she sick? Allowed on the counters? Sometimes I'll turn on the sink and let it drip for a few minutes and the cats drink from the running tap. Or I'll put a little water in the bathtub or sink. Make sure her bowl is clean. Sometimes they get a little slimy if you don't wash it often or sometimes there will be just a little soap residue on it.
If she's sick, you might have to take her to a vet to get an IV of fluids and to see what's causing it. If she's not sick, she's just being picky and you could try those other methods.

Hope she gets some water in her soon.

Thanks : )

She's not allowed upstairs (there's a door separating downstairs from up), but I've been moistening her food with a bit of water (she seems to like it a lot). Her meow is a lot more hoarse than it used to be.
I'll try cleaning out her dish (even though she just got a new one).
If this keeps up I'll take her to the vet.

I hate people sometimes.

They think just because I like minecraft and know how to actually use CMD, I am one of your sterotypical ragey annoying kids (which I am)
makes me mad.

People need to stop telling me to do something with my life. Face the colossally repetitive failures that I've faced and maybe you won't feel like doing anything with your life, either.

Seriously, I can't count the number of times I've put my heart and hope into something only to get shut down or betrayed by the end of it. And I'm not a sullen, depressed type of guy. I'm a pretty fucking optimistic person (though I worship death, but that's just cause I don't regard non-existence pessimistically). Even when I recount, "Holy fuck I wade in failure and betrayal again," I still see it as temporary, and know I'll get through it though I never actually have. I still know I will succeed though it's eluded me. People think I've given up because I've retreated to a cocoon in order to lick my fucking wounds and patiently figure out my new plan of attack. I've never given up, they simply don't understand the necessary steps through the shit I've gone through in order to regain some semblance of mental health. And I'm finding strength most people never imagine from themselves the need to find. Such beautiful strength, but it's underneath the rest of me, and it brews and grows, my potential unfolds and my passion, though a soft whisper, flicks with it poison so potent were you to dilute it with the ocean everything would rot away to nothing. But rather than aim it at destruction, I aim it change and transformation. I forgive not because they deserve forgiveness, but because my resentment makes me weak.

Originally Posted by OctoberWind

My cat is getting dehydrated
But every time I fill up her water bowl she knocks it over and spills everything

My oldest cat did this from the moment we found him. If there is a bowl of water, he will flip it over. He also does this if there are spoons or straws in cups or bowls. The only way we got him drinking was a pet fountain. He is ruined now because if the power goes out, he immediately tries to flip it over.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Thanks for all the info, Tommo! I think the nipple is called a "drip trip"? Let me google lol.... Yep. Drip tip. Looks like a nipple to me though. Maybe I'm just perverted

Ohhhh, which end did you fill the other one from? The drip tip side is the most common way. But some you fill from the bottom.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

for your female woes. Perhaps you should steer clear of the foreign girls? It sounds like the girls you run into have a hard time escaping their cultural roles. Not to imply they'd all be like that, but why put yourself through more grief?

But I love foreign girls!
You are somewhat right though. I will still go after foreign girls probably, I've never really been especially attracted to Aussie girls, or white girls in general (only one in high school that I mentioned in the weed post a couple of pages back).... anyway.... but I'm steering clear of Lankans forever (obviously. Well, unless she says she doesn't give a fuck what her parents think) and if I meet anyone special I will google to see if there are issues like this wherever they come from. I'll take it as a learning experience I guess. As well as to trust my logic and not emotions. I knew this would happen as soon as she told me about the culture. I guess I can also learn that it's worth trying as well, if you want something or someone. I am wiser, that is good.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Well that was easy. Typed in "duodenitis hunger pains" and hunger is one of the main symptoms I guess I'll just call my Dr. on MOnday and pick up some more Dexilant and if it doesn't get better after getting back on the med, then I'll make an appointment to see her. The e-cig must be making it worse. Other things to avoid are spicy foods, alcohol, caffeine, ibuprofen/aspri, nicotine. Gah! But I've used caffeine and ibuprofen for years with no problems. It doesn't make sense to suddenly flare because of those. But perhaps there's an accumulative effect or some such. I don't know what I'd do if I had to give up either. I can't afford $800. a month for Provigil and I can't stay awake with nothing. And my joints always ache from Ehlers-Danlos so I live on about 400-800mg Ibprofen a day. There are probably better meds out there for arthritis but I couldn't afford them either

You know that coming off any dopaminergic drug causes exaggerated pain.... It's likely you're getting less nicotine than usual. Even if you're using the same milligrams of nicotine, the cigarettes have other chemical which increase absorption of nicotine. So you get less from the e-cig.

When I have time, maybe next weekend, I'm going to research harmaline and tobacco, see if I can figure out what kind of levels are in tobacco, and then buy some and try mixing it up in my e-liquid. I found a place to get it a while ago. If I get around to doing this, I'll let you know how it goes.
It also is an anti-depressant. So when you quit smoking tobacco you have to withdraw from that as well, which can also decrease the pain threshold.

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Maybe I should just smoke regularly and avoid all of this entirely I didn't have this much pain when I smoked either. (And yes, while quitting entirely would be ideal, I've tried quitting for years and I don't know if even this pain is motivation enough to stop as stupid as that is).

I've been wondering too, smoking helps with a lot of things for me, but is also detrimental and a hassle in a lot of ways as well. IMO the negatives outweigh the positives. It's easy to just get frustrated and go "fuck it, I'm going back to simply tobacco". But eventually, after you do that enough times, the negatives become very clear and it's more difficult to just ignore them in exchange for a quick hit.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

First, I'm glad to hear you've give up on her for now. And about missing a week, I missed a week of all my classes this semester and was advised to e-mail the teachers to ask if there's anything I need to do to catch up. I never actually did that due to anxiety, a flaw of mine in which I don't normally communicate with anyone unless I have to. But it might be a good idea... lol.

Oh I remember you missed that now coz of planes and everything. How did you do catching up?

Hehe, yep, have just done so. Chinese teacher said it's ok, coz it was just an introductory lecture last week.
Still waiting to hear back from Biology teacher.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

After writing all this, just a warning that I'm going onto an extreme tangent. In my experience, living in an extremely multicultural area, everyone separates themselves into groups. I'm not sure what the cause is, but it may just happen naturally. People feel they fit into the group of their own race and develop an 'us vs them' mindset. And people who aren't white (here, at least) are usually the most racist and exclusive because they feel they're oppressed. And that can get really bad when they're actually the majority. I don't deny I still have a lot of subconscious racism toward Chinese people and Asians in general because of how exclusive and unfriendly they seemed to me in high school (the high school I went to was about 95% Chinese). I know I have a lot of social problems, but I have a feeling that if I'd been to a mostly white or at least more diverse high school, there may have been some group of friends I'd have fallen into. Instead, I'd walk the halls and everyone would be in little groups, usually speaking Chinese. And even though diversity is great and all there's this overwhelming feeling that I don't want these strange looking and acting people to completely take over and replace the people I feel I can relate to, whose facial expressions I can more subtly recognize, etc.

That was all in Richmond, which is off of Vancouver. In Vancouver it's truly multicultural. There's no overwhelming ethnicity. For a tourist it might seem pretty awesome, and sometimes it is. But people still segregate themselves, so the overall experience is one of reduced social interaction. People tend to hang out in their own groups, and are quiet and friendly and a little passive aggressive to anyone else. It's just this weird thing that humans do. I worked at a place in Vancouver where almost everyone was Filipino, and they segregated themselves as much as anyone. But while a group of white people would tend to be self-conscious of being racist and a lot more accepting of other ethnicities, other ethnicities, because they tend to feel oppressed, seem to feel like they have a right to form a seclusive group and show those white people what it's like, or something, with no guilt at all.

That makes a lot of sense. I still don't really get it though. I mean, if people are accepting, why do they still segregate?
Even if for some people it's white guilt-induced.... they're still accepting them in and not ignoring them.
I mean when white people go to other countries, they interact with the people there and want to learn about and respect their ways etc.
They don't go off to find other white people immediately.

I guess it makes sense if you think historically. The British pretty much fucked over every currently 3rd world and poorer country.
Probably some cautiousness disseminated throughout the culture over the last several generations.
Whereas in the West, we've realised how fucked up all of that is (mostly, and most people) and we are exposed to more nationalities because they immigrate to these countries.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

It is more difficult to relate to people of other ethnicities. Studies show that people develop into their culture in many ways. The people they see most often while babies determines what people they expect to be surrounded by in adult life. Multiculturalism isn't natural. We expect to be surrounded by mostly our own types of people. That's how we evolved and it's only recently that it's been any different. I think that plays a huge role in racism. For example, at 6 months of age, all babies can categorize two different 'd' sounds, and the difference between 'b' and 'v'. They can tell individual human faces from one another no matter what the ethnicity (they can even distinguish individual monkey faces). By 9 months of age, only people in the study whose parents spoke Hindi could tell the difference between the two 'd' sounds which are pretty much like two different letters because it's only relevant in Hindi. Similarly, Spanish babies lost the ability to tell the difference between 'b' and 'v' because there is no relevant distinction in Spanish. More relevantly, all babies had difficulty distinguishing faces that weren't of their own race by 9 months of age. This is an important one, since so much of our social interaction relies on being able to accurately read faces. These are only a couple cases, and there are plenty of examples of perceptual narrowing that show differences among cultures. Our language and culture reflects the way we perceive everyday things, even those things we assume are human universal ways of seeing things. For example, a study showed that Chinese people do not automatically associate any of the things we do with being an 'artist', like disorganization. Similarly, there's a word in Chinese that reflects a type of person that people raised in a Chinese culture have categorized, which doesn't exist for other cultures, with traits like being loyal, modest and family oriented.

This is interesting. Although I don't agree with your use of the word natural.
In certain circumstances, multiculturalism may not be natural. But as that study you're talking about shows, it depends entirely on your upbringing.
If you are grow up around a bunch of people from all different nationalities, multiculturalism and non-discrimination *would* be a natural outcome.
If you don't, then racism and segregation would be a natural outcome.

That being able to distinguish certain letters is funny. With the Lankan girls, if they say a word in Sinhala that I know, I sometimes say it wrong coz the "d" sound was supposed to be more like a "t" or something. Whereas they pronounce "v" like "w". And sometimes I imitate them to poke fun at how they pronounce things, and they don't even realise that I'm saying it any differently. And V and W sound *completely* different. It's pretty crazy.

Oh and btw it's wrong that people have trouble distinguishing faces that aren't of their own ethnicity. It entirely depends on which ethnicities you are exposed to at a younger age. Not which ethnicity you are.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

And there's some culture in northern Canada that has multiple words for 'snow' depending on the type. (I'm sure I could find any of these studies if anyone is interested). I'm not trying to advocate racism, it was just something I find interesting, and I'm attempting to explain it somewhat.

Apparently this is exaggerated. Some people say the Inuits have 100 and something words for snow or whatever. But they really have about 10 or so, IIRC.
And it's the same as English speakers would have different words for snow. We have hard and soft snow, dirty and clean snow, thick and thin snow, ice.... Just that the Eskimos probably required more words because they lived there and it became important to distinguish different types of snow for survival, navigation and hunting purposes.

Anyway.... you raise some good points that I will think about more and keep in mind.
I like the way you write by the way, when you were summarising that study.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I can relate completely. Huh.... You're familiar with drug websites. You would probably recognize the oddness of my situation more than most people here. I'm going to PM you something. o.O



I've actually heard of amphetamines increasing dream frequency and vividness before, though sometimes decreasing lucidity. Seems that may not be a problem for you though. Hooray for Dexedrine!... A few years ago a friend of mine decided to fund a sleep deprivation study of mine by feeding me more of his every time I got tired (which could equate to me suddenly squinting, or holding out my hand expectantly). The problem though is that that particular friend was also the #1 campus weed dealer, so in between each dose of free amphetamine there was some free smokage as well lol. Also I took mushrooms on the second day, which didn't help. On the third day he just happened totally by coincidence to get the strongest weed I ever smoked... that any of us had ever smoked. You could tell it was special without even having to smoke it - it looked alien and you could smell it from a mile away. Was the only strain I would ever call an extremely strong one hitter quitter AND creeper... you know you're done before you even let out your first hit, and fifteen minutes later you realize you were actually only just getting started. On that night it arrived one of our mutual friends (who I met through him though) cooked up some hash oil with it, and then they brought out this big bong and everyone there had to take at least one entire bowl of 1) the finely ground weed, 2) a thick layer of its kief, and 3) a big drop of the hash oil, in one hit, while standing. I did two of those bowls myself... and collapsed to the ground immediately after both hits (as did everyone else with theirs). I think someone handed me a beer too but I barely noticed.... The first friend was talking to me at some point and all I could see was his face warping around and melting off and emitting color patterns. (Note that there were no mushrooms in my system anymore at this point.) I went to bed that night. And in the process I kept thinking I was various objects scattered around the room....

^^ My Dexedrine anecdote.

The guy who made the hash oil did seven of those bowls with no breaks except to load bowls for other people. He ended up stumbling around with his arms outstretched like a zombie and mouth hanging open saying "I don't know what to do you guys, I've never been this high before!!!!"



Ah, bummer. >w< Well, I hope you have better luck next time then lol.



Welcome to my world lol. Time to start chasing the fractalline dragon.

Spoiler for Something like this:

Spoiler for Also this:

How much did you smoke?

The last couple of times I smoked it there weren't even patterns or fractals... just sexy ladies. Everywhere.

Holy Shit

Originally Posted by OctoberWind

Thanks : )

She's not allowed upstairs (there's a door separating downstairs from up), but I've been moistening her food with a bit of water (she seems to like it a lot). Her meow is a lot more hoarse than it used to be.
I'll try cleaning out her dish (even though she just got a new one).
If this keeps up I'll take her to the vet.

Mine just drinks out of the toilet even tho she has a dish..

Where do I go for help analyzing my dream?

Originally Posted by Tiresias

My oldest cat did this from the moment we found him. If there is a bowl of water, he will flip it over. He also does this if there are spoons or straws in cups or bowls. The only way we got him drinking was a pet fountain. He is ruined now because if the power goes out, he immediately tries to flip it over.

That's exactly what my cat does
Did you ever find a reason for the behavior?

Yes, he's a spoiled dick.

Originally Posted by Llabyellov

Where do I go for help analyzing my dream?

Dream Interpretation

This half term has gone by way too quickly, I really don't want to go to school tomorrow.
My next holiday is in about a month and then I'll have two weeks off school. That's just too far away.

I'm feeling really tired. I couldn't sleep at all and I've been crying all night.
I actually convinced myself that it's okay to take my own life. And I was so afraid I might actually do something stupid.
I decided to message aaron pauley (vocalist from of mice & men which is my favorite band) on twitter and he replied surprisingly.
They're currently on tour in the us along with bring me the horizon. And just knowing that he took the time to read my message and reply.
Made me feel a bit better. This is what he said:



I told myself last night if I somehow made it through the night, that I would get help.
I know you guys have told me this a thousand times before. But just hearing this from aaron pauley totally convinced me last night.
Until now, I'm still feeling really suicidal. And I really do want to get help, just talking to someone and take meds might solve everything.
But I'm just so scared to tell my friends, family or anyone. They will probably think I'm weak and pathetic. And they will probably get really worried about me.
I really don't want to be hospitalized or being put in a psych ward.
And just knowing that I could end it all right now, idk it's just so comforting. And it kind of makes me happy

Originally Posted by OctoberWind

My cat is getting dehydrated
But every time I fill up her water bowl she knocks it over and spills everything

Classic cat!

I also like the one where they think there's no food left once they've eaten the food from the middle.

Actually a funny thing to try with cats is to put food on your palm or the top of your hand, then try feed them as if it's in your fingers. They literally can't find it, they smell it, get excited, sniff your fingers and get bored and just decide to rub their head off your arm. It's like they can't see your palm, I've yet to meet a cat that find the food straight away.

Crashy. Glad you're ready to possibly see someone. Meds and talking can help tremendously. I used to be majorly opposed to meds for anxiety and depression. I'd start and stop them all the time because I couldn't accept how helpful they were. But I finally started looking at it as if they were insulin or high blood pressure meds. I don't think any less of people who need to take those every day for the rest of their life. So why should I hate myself for needing my meds? And some people don't need to take medication for mental health forever. Just don't be bothered if you have to. It's not a big deal.

Tiresias, I did have a dog who always did that lol. He was an outside dog and I ended up digging a hole to set the bowl inside of so he wouldn't dump it. I told everyone he was an idiot

Tommo, thanks again for the info about pain and nicotine. I've been aggressively treating the problem with 600-900 mg Ranitidine and a couple gas-x pills and for the first time in a very long time, I got 6 hours of EXTREMELY wonderful sleep. When I woke up, I wasn't doubled over with hunger pains.
I've been filling my new e-cig from the top. The space is bigger and the liquid goes in easier that way. I do not put the liquid inside the center tube as I've read for other tanks. It would get gurgly and impossible to use if I did that. I can't believe the variety of tanks etc out there!!! This new one has grown on me. I'm even able to use it one-handed now

OP, Twitch and others.
I'm not a ragey teen and I friggin love Minecraft

A rave is that Oblivion works just fine on my PC, so I'll be playing that now.
I also slept wonderfully even though I had a bad dream before waking. In the dream, I was at my grandmothers old house. Someone was dead and my kids were missing. I ran to the "Big house" (where my great-mother and uncles lived on the same property) and there was a body in a bathtub. When I walked closer to investigate, it was no longer a tub but a sleeping mat and the person laying down was freezing. Someone told me to get a pillow but I was afraid to venture further into the Big House. My great-grandmother was in her bedroom and I was terrified I'd find my kids dead in there. I was also scared of running into one of my uncles (who molested me in my great-grams bedroom after she died).

I woke and forgot about the dream until Miley saw me watching something on CNN and she said the guy looked like a pedophile. Then the dream rushed back. It was very strange. I don't think I've ever dreamed about my great-grams since I became an adult. I almost never think about that uncle and I don't think of my molestation as a particularly traumatizing event ("I" wasn't violated, just my hand). But that's what my logical brain says. Whenever I dream of the Big House though it's almost always a scary dream.

In another dream, I was riding the worlds tiniest horse through water and when I reached an island it disappeared and I feared it drowned I spent the entire dream worried about it and searching.

it's a nice, quiet day so far. Hope it stays that way

Originally Posted by Crashyy

Until now, I'm still feeling really suicidal. And I really do want to get help, just talking to someone and take meds might solve everything.
But I'm just so scared to tell my friends, family or anyone. They will probably think I'm weak and pathetic. And they will probably get really worried about me.
I really don't want to be hospitalized or being put in a psych ward.
And just knowing that I could end it all right now, idk it's just so comforting. And it kind of makes me happy

Please don't feel weak or scared. You are mentally ill, which means the way you are thinking isn't the way your supposed to be thinking. No one will think of you as stupid, weak, or pathetic. They will feel pretty bad that they missed the warning signs if you did take your life, and they will hurt deeply that they didn't help you. I know a few people who lost someone to suicide and it devastated them for the rest of their lives. They didn't blame the person, per se, they blamed themselves for not paying attention.

You have a real unique chance to get your life back. It will be hard and a bit of work for you as people try to help you get better, but the fact you recognize your thoughts, want to put a stop to them, and are willing to get help is amazing. You can do this. You owe it to yourself to try.

I'm an idiot I broke down yesterday and calculated my daily caloric intake. Over 24 hours, I took in (high estimate) 1090 calories and that's figuring in 280 for soda. So far today, I've had less than 800 (and I had an excellent dinner of cabbage soup with celery and a steamed chicken thigh- no added broth or salt, butter, anything...). I looked up recommended intake and to maintain my weight I'd have to consume 1602 calories a day. For extreme weight loss, I'd knock that down to 1160. I'm still under that most days and I'm gaining weight. I guess inactivity truly does make a huge difference!!!!!!

So, I guess *some* of this hunger pain actually could be from (wait for it)........... hunger
I've still been episode free today which is amazing.

No real rants. Nothing's been going on here. Hope everyone is well.

I bought a black light CFL bulb from Home Depot because almost all the reviews were 5 stars saying it works. It doesn't work.
Well, maybe that's just because the apartment walls are all white? I don't know; I never used a black light before. But I have a black light poster directly under the light, and only the top two or three inches of it glows (pathetically, albeit).

Also, I couldn't sleep. I pretty much never have problems sleeping, as long as I stick to a routine. But my schedule got messed up Saturday, so I'm gonna be running on about 3 hours of broken up sleep tonight. Ah well; I'll sleep good in the morning and that'll put me back on schedule. I don't know how most of the other 3rd-shifters do it... most guys change their schedule every weekend and go to sleep at night. I tried doing that when I worked on 3rd shift a few years back, but it just left me feeling tired and groggy all the time.

I feel dumb.

Originally Posted by Crashyy

I told myself last night if I somehow made it through the night, that I would get help.
I know you guys have told me this a thousand times before. But just hearing this from aaron pauley totally convinced me last night.
Until now, I'm still feeling really suicidal. And I really do want to get help, just talking to someone and take meds might solve everything.
But I'm just so scared to tell my friends, family or anyone. They will probably think I'm weak and pathetic. And they will probably get really worried about me.
I really don't want to be hospitalized or being put in a psych ward.
And just knowing that I could end it all right now, idk it's just so comforting. And it kind of makes me happy

Reminds me of something Alan Watts said. People often came to him saying they want to die, or to kill themselves.
So he's say "so kill yourself".

Once you realise there is a way out, it's really not so bad anymore. You can opt out. So why not stick along for the ride?

Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Tommo, thanks again for the info about pain and nicotine. I've been aggressively treating the problem with 600-900 mg Ranitidine and a couple gas-x pills and for the first time in a very long time, I got 6 hours of EXTREMELY wonderful sleep. When I woke up, I wasn't doubled over with hunger pains.
I've been filling my new e-cig from the top. The space is bigger and the liquid goes in easier that way. I do not put the liquid inside the center tube as I've read for other tanks. It would get gurgly and impossible to use if I did that. I can't believe the variety of tanks etc out there!!! This new one has grown on me. I'm even able to use it one-handed now

Hm, it should never be put in the center tube. That's where the air comes through when you inhale. And yeah, it'll cause gurgling and probably you'll suck up a bit of juice, which doesn't taste good lol

It's amazing how fast the technology has grown.

Just a few months ago I was talking to some guy on an e-cig forum and throwing around designs for a glass tank, and he was contacting people about the designs.
Around two months later there is a glass tank (well, borosilicate [pyrex]).

And if you compare to the first e-cigs which came out around 5 years ago, it's pretty amazing.
It shows you what lack of patents can do for innovation. The Chinese companies (e-cigs were invented and are mostly made there now) DGAF about copyright or patents, and innovation goes mental because of it.
It's hilarious because patents were supposed to help innovation (to make sure the inventors get monetary compensation and can develop further). But it does the opposite, especially because it's been abused massively.

I don't even know what to say about the dream or what happened to you.... if it's negatively effected you, I hope you're ok.
I have read that most people aren't even really effected by it though, they just see it as something that happened and have no emotional reaction either way.
But it's been overblown by the media and pseudo-science psychology that it should impact you massively, so people end up thinking it should mess with them and give them PTSD etc., so they get messed up just because they think they should be but aren't.

Anyway....

Rant: Already attracted to a foreign girl at Uni..... Fuck she's beautiful.
She touched my ass today. Accidentally though lol
And she was like "..o.. sorry!"

Dunno what to make of her reaction.

Anyway, I'm taking this facet of life non-seriously now. So not gonna fall back in to that whole heartbreak/drama crap.

Rave: My year or so of math study turns out to be worth it
We had our first test today for Chemistry, and if I hadn't studied algebra, I would have been completely screwed.
They only taught us all the stuff we need to know for a couple of hours before the test, and my group's teacher sucked (one of those self-obsessed British guys who doesn't understand that people don't understand everything he does, and looks down on people who don't).

I did pretty well though I think. Maybe stuffed up a couple of questions, but I did it pretty fast. Although some people were finished insanely quick, like 5-10 minutes before me. I was like, wtf? how can you even write that fast?

Oh and one minor rant: the book store at Uni SUCKS! They still do not have the books I need for Wednesday, and I need to study.
I managed to pass the quiz so I can do the Lab, by looking at Khan Academy and Wikipedia, but I need the damn book, and the dissection kit.
Seriously, how hard is it? There are x people enrolled in y class, order x amount of books and other items for y class!
Why are there not enough!? It's just retarded. You know exactly how many you need to order!

Ugh.... anyway....