Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I'm really sorry, I haven't read much after my lost post yet, but I will. I just can't really focus on anything else right now. My head is spinning. I met the most incredible girl a couple days ago. Like... holy crap. She's just freaking awesome. And she just gets me, and I feel like I understand her too.... I feel like we could have been friends our whole lives. I've been looking for someone who thinks and feels the same way I do for as long as I can remember and I finally found her, and she says she feels the same way about me.... There's so much more I could say but I need to run and I don't want to take up too much space here yet lol. But yeah... I haven't been able to think about anything but her since we met. >w<

Life gets better. It really does.

:hug: everyone. Suena, I was in a very bad place (emotionally/mentally) until my youngest was about 4 years old or so. I didn't sleep well at all. I was somewhat suicidal, couldn't sleep, actually hallucinated some from lack of sleep. I never really had a support system either. It's much harder that way, but it does get better (at least in my experience). Even talking to people on-line helps.

Tommo :crying: So sorry about all your love troubles. I think I'd be so jaded that I'd give up on people, period.

Sounds awesome, Aly :clairity:

:hug: to others I might have missed.

My rant is that I cannot sleep. I slept in the car at GED for about an hour and a half this morning. Then I went to bed from 3-6:30. I woke up before my alarm for 7 to turn off the ozonator. Ugh. I really dislike that thing!!!
I woke early because of a bad dream/guilty conscience. I turned in cans and got a check for $31.90. I don't have a bank, so I gave the check to hubby (it's his cans anyhow). I told him $10. goes to the boys after they recollected the ones that spilled all over his yard. He then asked if I was getting snacks with what was left and I said yes. He forgot that 1/2 of the check went to him automatically because they were HIS crushed cans. The boys just cleaned up after the bags deteriorated. I was stealing $5. from my boys to get my snack. It's almost funny because I don't feel true guilt over taking money from my kids :roll:

But when I dreamed, I dreamed I had stolen a thousand dollars in pennies (from that secret safe I frequently dream of) from my hubby. The pennies were in a medium/small sized cardboard box. It was heavy, but I had no trouble carrying it around :lol: I tried hiding the box from hubby and the dream kept jumping locations. At first, I was outside of Wal-mart, but hubby told me he was coming inside with me and I knew he'd recognize the box, so I went ahead of him to hide it. I put it in a bin with clothes but an employee/DC acquaintence caught me and started talking about it in his presence but I cut her off.

Then I was at a restaurant and she cornered me about the box, saying hubby was abusive and he made me a nice person (wth? lol) but I rushed to his defense and said the crime was mine. I had stolen money from HIM. Then everyone at the table was going to tattle on me. Some said he'd kill me, others said he'd divorce me and I told them to be real. I would only have disappointed him but that was enough. It would crush me.
I went to a payphone to come clean to hubby but my brother (a notorious petty thief) was on the other line. I was confused because I was calling out. I realized I was dreaming and woke up.

It doesn't seem like it, but that sort of dream is what I consider to be a nightmare. And all over $15. :roll: What the heck. So now I'm compelled to remind hubby that the money was his and not mine and he's not going to care, but I'll feel completely guilty until I do.

We leave in about 4 hours. I drive. It's actually about a 6-7 hour drive and I can't fall asleep. My cold is also a whole lot worse and I can hardly breathe at all when laying down which doesn't help matters.

Blah. Oh well. I'll be back this weekend. Take care everyone.

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Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Tommo :crying: So sorry about all your love troubles. I think I'd be so jaded that I'd give up on people, period.

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Heh, that's saying something coming from you. I couldn't handle your life at all. You're crazy strong.
:clairity:

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Originally Posted by Suena

I don't even have the words anymore to describe it. It just seems hopeless, like being in a country where you don't know the language and nobody speaks English. I can't think of anyone who is interested in hearing me attempt to examine and understand it. It goes beyond someone listening and nodding their heads. It goes beyond simply discussing the matter where in the end you still feel the same.

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Actually, they say that being in country where you don't know the language and nobody speaks English is hands down the best way to learn a new language. You have absolutely no choice but to adapt... and hard as it may be at times, you will, because that's what humans do. In any situation... it's why we survive. And you will too, you're a strong person and you'll learn how to deal with these feelings. Like you said, your kids are young... just give yourself some time, no one expects you to be superhuman. I don't have any personal experience to speak from here of course, but everything I've ever heard suggests that your state of mind is normal for your situation right now, and I see the same patterns repeated in every stressor everywhere... you'll get a hold of it, just keep yourself moving forward in the meantime.

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Originally Posted by tommo

But I also feel that pretty much every person alive is a piece of shit. People just suck....

...

But she needs someone better.
I'm a depressive asshole. I smoke, drink excessively and have serious psychological issues which I need to work out.

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Welcome to the level playing field. We all suck, man. If she still likes you then she clearly thinks you're worth it.

I understand that this situation goes much deeper than that... but about this point specifically, that's what I think.

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Originally Posted by Zhaylin

Sounds awesome, Aly :clairity:

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Why yes, it is quite awesome. :D

:clairity:

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You guys, this girl... this girl.... :armflap:

First of all, I understand why the three days rule exists now lol. I'm finally starting to regain my capacity for rational thought, though not entirely. >.> I have regained the ability to think of things besides her, but only for short intervals of time and with a good deal of effort involved....

So let me break this down for ya....

Our personalities are shockingly similar. We've yet to really find anything we don't agree on. Just yesterday I thought to myself that every single thing she says sounds like something I could have said in another life, and then she said that to me (with the meaning reversed of course) practically verbatim later on before I even had a chance to bring it up. We had many of the same issues and thought processes growing up, and even the ones we didn't quite share there was some very real overlap. We both have interest in the same kinds of things. She loves learning about the brain and just finished getting her psychology degree, and is pursuing a career in psychedelic psychotherapy. She thinks psychedelics are erotic in the same ways that I do, and likewise we both find the idea of sex dull if it doesn't involve some kind of out-of-body experience or ego death or otherwise intense spiritual experience. We're both in the process of trying to awaken our kundalini and making progress. We also both get off from dosing people on hallucinogens. *cough* We share all those crazy psychedelic sexual fantasies in fact, she's the only person I've ever met who's described having fantasies similar to mine, and even had a story matching mine on how she started coming up with them.... She even has all these ideas about places to live that I've thought about before too, and she's a couple years older than me and already moving around a lot, which just excites me to think about.... We also both want to have a serious open relationship. Our views on polyamory and how love can be defined in non-"ordinary" views are even the same. Oh, and not only does she like tripping, but she even tries to push it to the limit like I always did.... She has trip reports on Erowid of mixing DMT with like three other psychedelics in one sitting. She also knows how to appreciate a psychedelic weed trip, and not many people I meet seem to.... A lot of the ways we describe the psychedelic space or even just think of reality and life in an abstract way, and look at them in awe, are completely the same. And on top of everything else... she's freakin' adorable. :smitten: She's so cute, you guys.... It's fantastic. X3

OF COURSE... there's always something preventing it from being totally easy, otherwise it wouldn't be real life. But it's nothing about personality or chemistry, just different life situations and some distance at the moment.... But, we've both also agreed, knowing both how ourselves think and evidently each other too, that we need to avoid the urge to rush into anything and make smart decisions before we act. The idea is just to be really close friends while we get to know each other and work on said life situations, and if we know each other for a bit longer (ya know like... longer than three days lol) and it still feels the same, well then we'll take life as it comes.... But it's tough guys, it's really tough. >w<

Alright, no more... time to return to fantasizing. :dreaming:

Sounds beautiful, Alyzarin. I'm a little jealous.

Hey guys.

Had a bit of a shitty time recently. Gone through a few mini breakdowns and then went through a full scale one recently and I'm not coping too well so not been around for ages. Won't be going lucid for a while. Feeling pretty low and pretty crappy so hopefully gonna be around a bit more to make myself feel less soul-crushingly lonely.

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Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

Hey guys.

Had a bit of a shitty time recently. Gone through a few mini breakdowns and then went through a full scale one recently and I'm not coping too well so not been around for ages. Won't be going lucid for a while. Feeling pretty low and pretty crappy so hopefully gonna be around a bit more to make myself feel less soul-crushingly lonely.

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Hey Wishful,

When times are tough for me and I sense a breakdown/panicattack

I find time in a safe place(my room)
Turn on my music
Then I let any emotions that are coming up out of me(yelling, screaming, crying, laughing, and dancing :panic:)
I feel godly better after these sessions

I don't know what your situation is and I may be overlooking many things, but essentially when I feel like I need a breakdown - I schedule a goddamn breakdown.

I hope this helps

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Originally Posted by EmptyBucket

Hey Wishful,

When times are tough for me and I sense a breakdown/panicattack

I find time in a safe place(my room)
Turn on my music
Then I let any emotions that are coming up out of me(yelling, screaming, crying, laughing, and dancing :panic:)
I feel godly better after these sessions

I don't know what your situation is and I may be overlooking many things, but essentially when I feel like I need a breakdown - I schedule a goddamn breakdown.

I hope this helps

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Thanks. I am not certain if this will work (under the philosophy that nothing works until it is tried but I have high hopes!) but thank you for taking the time to talk. It sounds stupid but that's really nice. I think I just like feeling like there is someone that cares and most people confuse that with wanting attention. I don't want attention. I just want someone to talk to. They're not the same thing are they? *uncertain*

Thank you. :)

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Originally Posted by BarefootDreamer

Sounds beautiful, Alyzarin. I'm a little jealous.

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It's a wonderful feeling, I really hope everyone gets to feel this way one day. ^_^

I forgot something too.... She's also an artist and a poet, and she's great at it. All the art is super psychedelic too... it's stunning. >w< And I've been showing her my art too and she loves it and wants to do some collaborative stuff now. I can't take this. X3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UA7yCqj84wg



Ho Lee Fuk. I need to stop drinking. Worst headache right now.

I called the support guys because my tv box wasn't working, and it took a little over 40 minutes (over the phone) to fix the problem. The technical support guy sort of seemed like he was flirting with me...

... and I didn't mind. Didn't mind at all. :P

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Originally Posted by tommo

Ho Lee Fuk. I need to stop drinking. Worst headache right now.

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I'm tellin' you man, those GABA withdrawals.... Get out while you still can.

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This is a mixed Rant/Rave. It's about work. It's definitely been going well, like no complaints as far as that goes... but sometimes I guess I just wish I could be a little more selfish about it. Like for example, whenever a manager asks me if I can stay later than when my shift ended if I don't have anything else to do, if I truly have no plans then I feel bad saying no.... I mostly work evening to close shifts so I know everyone wants to get out of there and we're all in that shit together so I do feel a little off if I just leave like an hour before everyone else to go do nothing while they continue finishing up all the duties for shutting down the store. And I almost never have anything going on that late at night, particularly since I don't plan anything given that I work closing shifts, I pretty much always stay late. Last night I stayed a couple hours after my shift ended and I did another hour tonight. Bleh.... But on the other hand, I know that the reason they ask me to stay is because they know I'll actually do my work for what extra they're paying me, unlike many of the drivers. I get compliments left and right about my productivity, which is an absurd thought if you really know me at all. And they're all cool people too, so I mean it's not like I'm just itching to get away from them or anything.... I'm actually getting on pretty good terms with the managers. One of them, the other day he ran up to the door and locked me out of the store as a joke when he saw me running up when I came back from a delivery, so while he was laughing and jiggling the lock back and forth I fucking jump-kicked the door right opposite to where his hand was and actually tore some of his skin off from it. He lunged back in pain and cursed and I let myself in and said "That's what you get!!" Later that very night that same manager, now wearing a band-aid and a glove, thanked me for being such a good employee and asked me if I'd like to have my name and a little note about me written on this honors wall at the front of the store lol. Tonight I had managers fighting over which of them got to have me help close up their store for the night. And I even got a good few extra tips because I stayed late, including one for $22.... So I mean, it's not like things aren't going well... I just would rather come home and do nothing than stay late and keep working. >.<

I actually just closed my eyes for a minute after typing that and started drifting to sleep, and I was seeing these very odd and trippy half-formed dream snippits of being at work. o.O I felt like I was back there for a minute, but I know there was something unreal about it, like when you're not really lucid but you still know in the back of your mind that what's going on doesn't really matter....

A solid Rave is that it's day two of sobriety and I really don't care.... My body and mind do feel a little odd surely just because I'm so used to being high all the time, and I have thought about weed here and there, but really more just along the lines of... "Huh, I'd normally want to smoke now, but I can do without it now." The actual urge to smoke is small to nonexistent. I have multiple suspicions as to why this is, but more importantly, I'm just happy about it because I've been thinking more and more about being able to trip again lately, particularly in certain situations, and I know this is a big first step. It's also just going to help me in life... I feel so much better without that head pressure or brain fog right now, aside from what I have just from being tired. It's a really nice feeling.

A Rant though is that one of my best friends who I've known for a long time is getting concerned about the fact that I want to start tripping again.... Part of me just wants to find a way to make her see that it's fine, but another part of me wonders if she's right to worry. The only reason she does is because she saw my entire drug phase from start to finish and she knows what I'm like better than most people. It makes me question if I'm really making smart decisions here.... Though, I feel like I'm not going to be happy not making those decisions either way, and that I should be looking at this more as an opportunity to redeem myself, but still, I also just don't want to upset her and I'm not sure how to work both of those at the same time....

Ehh. Bed time.

I would like to complain that so far the complaints are beating the thanks 582 - 1. Why is it I so easily catch myself listing complaints while taking the rest for granted? Why is my natural behavior to focus on lack and forget everything else? It seems most people are this way. Perhaps it reflects our misunderstanding of reality, where we constantly focus only on the past and future but so rarely on the present, so we only know what we've lost and what we don't have.

Rave - I have 2 new waistcoats!! :D However they're in a male age 13-14 because my frame is so thin across ways

Rant - I'm putting weight back on. Just gone up to 125lbs

Rave - My radio show is on halloween!

Rave - Hockey team Halloween party and then one at my friend's house too!

Rave - Won 6-0 in hockey yesterday. Currently unbeaten league team.

Rant - Life pisses me off

Rant - Been having more bad days lately and the bad days are getting worse.

Rant - Can't be bothered to do anything, hence list.

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Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I'm tellin' you man, those GABA withdrawals.... Get out while you still can.

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Heh, I'm definitely going to cut down. I'm only going to have a glass or two tonight.

We didn't have any aspirin so I drank some coffee and tea and took one of those Alpha Brain pills. Seemed to clear up the hangover really well, but I felt weird.
Especially as I was driving to work, felt like I was on the precipice of getting that feeling you get before a panic attack, but I never got one.
Not sure what to make of that. Maybe it was just a similar feeling, I'm glad I didn't panic at the thought of panicking though :D haha

Oh and Aly, with the not wanting to say no thing.... I was like that as well, it didn't help that they tried to guilt me as well when I thought about saying no.
Eventually it became much easier when I really didn't want to work, but think of it like motivation to work. If you get too comfortable with saying no, then
you're gonna start saying no anytime you feel like just going home and chilling. Which isn't good. Just use it as motivation to work and be more active etc.

________________

I deleted my whole rant from yesterday, but she did it again today and I just have to say a little bit about it or I'm going to go insane.
She's still being completely non-emotional to me. She barely talks and looks like she doesn't want to talk to me at all.
It's already a major challenge for me to make conversation, but now it's almost impossible, beyond the few things I come up with to talk about with her before work.

Anyway, I don't know whether it's me, or just more bullshit she's doing which I don't understand. I mean these girls act really weird around guys and especially guys they like and especially white guys, as Gavin confirmed for me. So it's basically impossible for me to tell what is going on with her, and it's unbelievably frustrating. I think there is also the component that I can tell other people's motivation for their actions and words almost all of the time, but with her I can't figure out anything.

My two thoughts are since we went to the beach she loves me even more since it's the first time we spent the day pretty much together outside of work, so she's being completely ambivalent toward me.
Or.... she's realised she doesn't like me anymore.

Ehhhh....

EDIT: Yep, two glasses.

Lately, i think i have been seeing things like light flashes whenever i look at dark areas, i don't know if i need glasses, or i'm seeing things in the dark....or i'm going crazy???.....maybe too much time looking at computer screen.??? This started like ever since friday....so idk wtf it is. :?

I've watched insidious for the first time last night. I really enjoyed the movie, especially the astral projection scene.
I'm gonna watch chapter two in the movie theater next week along with a friend. So I'm really excited for that. :D

Today has been good so far. I've recalled 3 very vivid and long dreams this morning.
I wrote down all the dreams that I've had in june, july and august in my official dream journal, which was quite alot.
So now I only have to write down the dreams I had from september and october.
I've been doing some reality checks every hour and I practised some ADA.
So I should have atleast one lucid dream this week (hopefully). ^^
At first, I wanted to have a WILD aswell. But then I saw insidious. They actually said: "Dalton thought he was just dreaming so he thought he was safe. But he was actually doing astral projection and now he's lost. And evil entities can possess his physical body" something like that. This movie isn't based on a true story right? Because I really don't want to have an OBE and than experience the same thing like dalton did in insidious. :c

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Originally Posted by hathor28

Lately, i think i have been seeing things like light flashes whenever i look at dark areas, i don't know if i need glasses, or i'm seeing things in the dark....or i'm going crazy???.....maybe too much time looking at computer screen.??? This started like ever since friday....so idk wtf it is. :?

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I get that sometimes as well. No idea what it is. But it's been happening for ages on and off, and I'm not crazy yet, at least not clinically, so you're good on that front.

________

I just had a great moment of introspection. I was thinking about that stuff in my last post and I wondered.... okay.... so what exactly am I angry about?
Even if she doesn't love me, so what? What does it matter if nothing will ever happen anyway?

Then I realised I'm not angry about that at all, coz it doesn't make any sense. I'm pissed off that I let myself get pulled in to another emotionally vampiric relationship.
I'm pissed off that I didn't realise she is simply not the great person I thought she was. I mean we've talked about all this shit, weird things she does, not looking at me, not talking etc.
And going from loving to nothing. All that stuff.
But SHE STILL DOES IT! And she doesn't discuss anything with me. Not even just "I can't talk to you anymore, I have to stop this before it goes further" or something simple like that.
She just says nothing, despite me telling her multiple times that this kind of shit is extremely depressing to me, and her apologising and giving me a vague response before saying "let's not talk about this :D".

She does the exact thing again. If she was the person I thought she was, she wouldn't do this. I don't give a fuck what culture has fucked you up, if you care about someone, the least you can do is take them in to consideration. My entire upbringing basically forced me to become hateful and self-pitying and completely non-empathetic. But I changed myself for several people in my life, and changed myself a LOT for her, because I didn't want to hurt her.

This time has been the hardest I've fought against my natural inclinations, ever. She can't even take one simple initiative to make me feel a little better, or just simply let me know what's going on.

So.... fuck it, maybe she's severely fucked up, or maybe she's just not as good of a person as I thought she was.
Either way, I'm letting her go. It's gonna suck, but I guess we have to deal with sucky things sometimes in life. It'll be better than to keep hanging on and just endure this same thing over and over again.

To summarize

I love her, big fucking deal.

tommo - :clairity:

Love sucks. I never fall for the right person and it always hurts a lot and it's usually my fault. I'm a horrible person. Excuse me. :microwave:

Well that flash thing disappeared, so ya it's only atm and nothing to worry.

Other rant, i came to terms that my ex was a past ex lover that wanted to get back at me by tricking me into lots of stuff, and i realize he's still doing the same damn thing and he hasn't learned his karma lesson!!! argh! Just gtfo my life i told you i will never want you back, and now you did it again "I still don't want you back!" smh.
I realized this, after i knew all his apologies and made up stories that he changed this time, and he didn't mean to hurt me, but somehow i can't believe his lies anymore, usually i was the type to give 2nd chances, but with this guy, he gives me a gut feeling that he didn't change and is up to NO good! Came to realize last night, every time i read his sorry letters, i'm like "Dude, wtf are you doing? We did this before 100 times and you still are being pathetic, and i know you are cheating, you just never admit to it. And if i did dream about you cheating many times and it was never true?....it possible was true with you in a past life."
He just want to get me mad for kicking him out last time we met, and actually getting back at me. I believe this a lot, because i usually am not this cold to a guy and don't give 2nd chances, even in marriage? All i say is if he does mistakes now he will do mistakes later in life, making me regret why i gave him a chance, when i did the same thing in a past life and knew i regretted it, i don't want that again. When i feel something is being repeated it SHOULD STOP asap!

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Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

tommo - :clairity:

Love sucks. I never fall for the right person and it always hurts a lot and it's usually my fault. I'm a horrible person. Excuse me. :microwave:

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Thanks wishful :content: :clairity:

Tell me about it.... I've only fell for the right person once and I managed to screw that up good and proper.
You're not a horrible person for doing that though. I don't know why you would think that.
You're a wonderful person from what I've seen of you here :)
:hug:

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Originally Posted by hathor28

Well that flash thing disappeared, so ya it's only atm and nothing to worry.

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Huh, could've sworn Carhsy was the one that posted that. That was weird lol
Glad it's gone though :P hehe

________________

I'm looking for positives of getting over this girl from work. I think I already see good things. I'm talking more with other people at work instead of just thinking about her all the time.
They all still think I'm a weird guy, I can tell, but I think.... well, hope, that eventually I can talk more to them and that should help me in life in general, rather than only being able to talk
to people I really like. Which is what I have done before, to the extent where I literally don't even acknowledge people that I don't find interesting (which makes me look autistic as fuck).

I've also recently started talking more to the other Lankan girls, although I've been doing that for a little while now, since things started to look grim regarding the girl.
So that's good too. One of them is actually really cool, and I feel she is far less involved with the culture coz of what happened to her because of it.
I'm not interested in her romantically either, so that's even better. Haha.

Anyway, all in all, get rid of the fucking emotional vampires in your life. Anyone that brings you down while you give everything to them is not worth your time or thoughts.

Everyone in a bad spot should listen to this song. It comforts me like nothing else, not sure why, but the message just gets me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjrO3d4TdS4

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Originally Posted by tommo

Thanks wishful :content: :clairity:

Tell me about it.... I've only fell for the right person once and I managed to screw that up good and proper.
You're not a horrible person for doing that though. I don't know why you would think that.
You're a wonderful person from what I've seen of you here :)
:hug:

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Give the man a medal he's fabulous. *climbs on and rolls like a cat* :bow: (...me being a cat... :|)


As for the rest, I'm glad you're seeing good things. that's great! :lol:

The hockey team I play for is second in the league and I can't even express my excitement alhjsebvea!!!! :panic:

Also, my name is orange. How the fuck (and when) did that happen?! :eek:

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Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

Also, my name is orange. How the fuck (and when) did that happen?! :eek:

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It's the reward for completing the lucid task of the month or the year, I believe.