Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

Just realised I quoted your whole post in my last post, Spenner, and didn't respond at all. Sorry about that lol
Can't remember what I was going to say now though....

Rant:
We just let Ruper Murdoch elect our PM.... It wasn't bad enough that he got our PM kicked out of office a few months ago, now he brainwashed people in to voting Liberal (Liberals are conservatives in Australia), against their own interests. Labor kept us out of recession, despite almost every other country in the world going through the GFC, we have the third least debt of every country in the world, AAA credit ratings, and we were finally upgrading our internet to 1Gb speeds.
Somehow Murdoch papers manage to convince people that Labor's spending was out of control, wasting money and that our economy was in the toilet and that the NBN was a waste of money (like the internet isn't fucking integral to modern life).

People are fucking moronic. He literally ran front page opinion pieces for the past 3-4 years, showing Labor with Nazi uniforms on, and all kind of other shit like that. Moron bogans (Aussie rednecks) fall for it coz they can't think for themselves.
It frustrates me that people like me who actually deliberate over who we will vote for based on their policies and what they have been doing politically basically just get drowned out by masses of fuckwits who either vote randomly or have no fucking clue what they're talking about and are just brainwashed by obviously biased and propagandised media.

The Liberals aren't going to legalise gay marriage, they're gonna give us an inferior and much more expensive internet, they're gonna get rid of the carbon emissions tax (global warming? pfft), remove funding for public transport and build polluting toll roads instead, cut funding for education.... the list goes on and I get sadder the further I go....the economy will be completely fucked by the time they're done. I'm about ready to go buy a sniper rifle. FUCK!!!!

Of course I won't, but I want to.... these fuckwits need to learn that they can't ruin our future like this. I'm going to participate in any protests and help organise them, coz I know there will be at least a few, so many people HATE him with a passion, one town chased him away from the polling booths on Saturday haha, his security came and he had to just leave! And I'll probably throw eggs at the new PM (I'm so ashamed to even call that misogynistic prick the PM) whenever he's in town.

A more personal rant: A week ago I was on fb, drunk, and decided I had to try and contact my ex....
It was a logical decision, but the drink gave me the nerve to do it I guess.
I messaged one of her friends who had posted on her wall a fair bit, and she actually messaged me back but she also hadn't heard from her.
Today she told me that my ex had replied to her and she is doing well and studying again, still in this city.

So yeah, she didn't respond to my message, but did to this other friend. I guess it is some sort of closure at least.
I'm not particularly surprised, and it's really just comforting to know she is doing well and she hasn't disappeared completely, I guess.
I think that's all I needed, obviously I do still love her, but I know I lost my chance, we met at the wrong time. That's how it goes.
I just needed some sort of contact; some confirmation she does or doesn't want to talk, instead of wondering if she does but can't contact me and all that crap I've talked about already.

We finally have a warm night here, and I feel relatively calm and feel like things may pick up, I'm definitely going to go study science next year, if I can get in to the course, and hopefully go on to veterinary school, so I'm feeling like my life is starting to head somewhere and I'm improving, instead of just being stuck in a crappy job and basically just earning money for no reason, just to survive.

So yeah.... fairly happy, minus all the political crap which gets me majorly angry when I think about it. So I'll try not to think about it too much lol

Sigh. I leave from Missouri to Canada tomorrow to be apart from my love Lindsey for 4 months or more. This isn't the best early birthday present I could be asking for (though I could be getting worse on the day, birthday's on Friday the 13th).

Right now I'm having trouble confronting the fact that I will be quitting her cold turkey for such a lengthy amount of time, after being together for nearly 4 solid months despite the long distance. Tomorrow night, after about 20 or so hours of driving, it'll prolly hit me like a brick, and I'll be bawling like a baby whose candy has been swiped.

All I have to look forward to is moving from the house I'd been living in for 10 years, getting a job, and alcohol I guess. 3 more days away from legality in the states, probably a good thing I've been forced to abstain in the last few days I'm here. Then again I can't really afford much considering I've spent about all I've got supporting this long distance dealio :c

Worth every penny though. Without a doubt.

Originally Posted by Spenner

Sigh. I leave from Missouri to Canada tomorrow to be apart from my love Lindsey for 4 months or more. This isn't the best early birthday present I could be asking for (though I could be getting worse on the day, birthday's on Friday the 13th).

Right now I'm having trouble confronting the fact that I will be quitting her cold turkey for such a lengthy amount of time, after being together for nearly 4 solid months despite the long distance. Tomorrow night, after about 20 or so hours of driving, it'll prolly hit me like a brick, and I'll be bawling like a baby whose candy has been swiped.

All I have to look forward to is moving from the house I'd been living in for 10 years, getting a job, and alcohol I guess. 3 more days away from legality in the states, probably a good thing I've been forced to abstain in the last few days I'm here. Then again I can't really afford much considering I've spent about all I've got supporting this long distance dealio :c

Worth every penny though. Without a doubt.

I can relate to you on many levels. First off, we have the same birthday, and I've been having similar issues. I'm Canadian, my boyfriend is American and not long ago (last year) we were in the same situation as you were, also having to leave a couple weeks before my birthday. I'd been there for 6 months, living with him in what was essentially our own house, before I had to leave. He's visited a few times since then, but then all this border Customs stuff happened and I was denied entry to the US even to visit. I just thought there are some weird parallels. I understand the misery after leaving... I've experienced that about 13 times in my life (another 13.... ahh). It may sound like I don't understand because I'm typing all rushed but I really do, and I don't think there are many people who do understand, since most people don't have to deal with that. Maybe war veterans. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Hopefully you can communicate with her somehow, if not in person.

I've also made note that my birthday will be on Friday the 13th this year. Not that that day really means anything, but it sure as hell seems like it. My birthday always seems to be terrible. It's when school is really starting to get difficult for people, when the weather is getting bad. So in both long-distance relationships I've had, I've never been able to be with the person on my birthday. Usually I see them right before, then have to go back to school or they do, so my birthday is miserable. And this year, I won't even be able to spend time with him, since his work has just started forcing him to work overtime on Fridays, until 1 am, as well as Saturdays. On top of that, I have no friends in person (well one, but I haven't met up with him in over a year), and there's no one I really talk to often besides my boyfriend (hate that word, makes it sound like it isn't serious, never know what to call him). So I'll likely be doing nothing on that day, except maybe pathetically going out to dinner with my parents. I usually don't care, I don't consider my birthday very important, but after so many years in a row of having shitty birthdays it would be nice to have one good birthday.

There was almost another weird parallel-- this last visit I was really really close to not being allowed back into the USA. But wow, I think you certainly know the feeling of leaving, to say the least. It's a feeling a lot of people don't have to experience because there's no distance, but once reunited, there's not many things that can come close to the feelings rewarded to both people when you're finally back together. Also yeah, Friday the 13th... I'm sure that's a good omen. Maybe it will be, considering my birthdays as well have been mediocre for the past 4 or so.

For your birthday you should do something for you. Do something you wouldn't normally, that you feel would be liberating. See if you can just go somewhere maybe, I don't know. It's something I'm probably going to do myself, since I too don't have many friends IRL that I hang out with (the ones I do are back in school hours away or locked into a job), so I'm going to come up with something to do. I too will be having dinner with my mom (and dad separately, different times), but probably not on the actual 13th. I'll probably fuel up my dirtbike, cross the river behind my house, and just gogogogo. A bit of liberating adventure would do me some good; something that needs me and only me to get through it.

I kinda like that idea. After being with Lindsey so long I need to take some time to reconnect with ME, and remind myself that my body is truly my best friend, because it allows me to achieve such things as even being able to meet people like Lindsey in the first place, and do do artwork, to do kungfu, swim, eat, anything. I speak of my body as not me, but a close relative, and it deserves some love that's been neglected. (NO NOT WITH MY HAND PERVS)

The age of 21 is going to be a year of maturation for me, I think. I just have a hunch.

Originally Posted by Spenner

I speak of my body as not me, but a close relative, and it deserves some love that's been neglected. (NO NOT WITH MY HAND PERVS)

The age of 21 is going to be a year of maturation for me, I think. I just have a hunch.

You totally wrote maturation on purpose didn't you?
I think it's obvious what that was read as on first pass lol


Slight rant: My motorbike is stuffed coz I haven't used it for at least 6 months. It won't even start, I tried a billion times, one time it started for about 4 seconds and then turned off again. Even starter fluid directly in to the air intake isn't working. Also tried running starts about 30 times and nothing. Should've just sold it when the registration expired.... ugh....
Gonna try one more time tomorrow, but it's goddamn annoying. Why does NOT using something break it? It's like pianos go out of tune much more quickly if you aren't using them. the fuck?....

I'm feeling completely lonely again now too. I guess I should start meditating and LD'ing again regularly instead of moving on to another love interest. It's very hard to fight my biological urge for a mate, feels impossible almost. Even went back to thinking about the friend I met up with the other day. Just completely stupid.
Meditation and LD'ing it is....

arrgghh!!! stpd internet didn't work .... i was already losing my mind by trying to get a connection for few hours

I know the feeling. I've been working through Greyhound bus station internet all day, because I've been on the road with them for 18 hours thus far. Only one of the 3 busses I've been on has actually had an outlet + wifi though, and I was only able to open facebook once.

Because of a delay, I missed my last bus by half. an. hour. I have to wait 8 and a half hours for the next bus. WOoOOoOooOoOoOOOOooOooOW [excruciatingly difficult withholding of profanity]

They will not compensate, or do anything. This greyhound station is half built and under construction, with no washrooms, no food, screaming kids are around, there's not even a manager. This is hell. I'm also in the ghetto of Detroit, nothing around me but rundown stuff and a burger king. I might hang around burger king for a few + a few + a few hours.

Also when I arrive at the bus station in London ontario, it will be around 5 or 6am, and nobody will be there to pick me up then. It's like 12 hours later than when I was supposed to be picked up, @_@.

I'll end it there for now.

everyone.
My internet has been crap too, Karloky so I sympathize! But it's my own fault because I watch too much Hulu and do nothing BUT Hulu, and then the internet is throttled to the point I can't do anything at all *sigh*

Suena, I think that loyalty would be an endearing quality in your fiancee. But I can see how frustrating it would be that he has to fight every fight that comes along. Especially if it does land him in jail eventually!

Tommo, hope your bike starts working. I'm like you, I don't understand how not using something can be so harmful. Hubby goes out to his garage once every 1-2 weeks just to turn over all the vehicles. That would annoy me lol

Nothing major happening here for a change. I even spoke civilly with my sister though I could hear amused ??? contempt/disdain in her voice. My daughter wasn't available... I'll keep trying to reach her though.

My only true rant is fleas. These fleas are killing me. When I'm sitting in my chair, I keep my feet tucked under me or my knees against my chest. If they're on the floor, they're covered in no time. Walking to the bathroom or the kitchen gives me flea "socks". I ran out of Deet, so I've been rubbing scented hand sanitizer on my legs whenever I have to move. It deters them briefly.
So, I've been doing all the laundry in my room and I'm storing what I don't use higher. The bugs seem unable to jump more than an arm span. Then I'm getting rid of all the newspapers I have stashed for my birds cage.
After that, I'm going to pull up the last of my carpet and cover my floor in Borax.

Which means I have at least one more week to suffer through unless the weather turns nice and I can hang up clothes outside.
I have a line in my room. Even though I use clothes hangers to dry everything, I can still only fit about 12 items on it. I had a LOT of clothes stored at floor level, so I have a LOT of laundry to do... and with the humidity being what it has been, it takes most of the day to dry those 12 items

I'm mad because again I'm in a bad mood and again I didn't sleep enough and am tired

I keep saying I'm going to turn things around tomorrow but I keep fucking up somehow. It's like I keep giving up without realizing it, and by the time it hits me, the day's already over. Not doing too well atm, but I'm better (mentally) than I was a few months ago. So I'm stuck in this transitional phase that should have only lasted a few days, but I've managed to drag it out for like 3 months...

I think I'm getting dumber as the days go by. I know for a fact that if I were to run into my 18 year old self (senior year of high school), "he" would be absolutely disgusted by me and my lack of progress. I used to be someone that people were proud to know or be acquainted with; ever since I was a kid people were always hyping me up about how I was going to do big things with my life. And now I'm just another one of those good-for-nothing slobs that I used to (albeit guiltily) look down upon.

I'm not even depressed anymore, just tired. All the fucking time. I know what to do, how to do it, and where I'm supposed to go from here... But I don't feel like doing it. I don't know if I simply lack the motivation or if I'm just lazy as fuck. And complaining about it doesn't do a god damn thing but waste even more time, yet here I am sfdbgjkawbglijrwebgiu f0 9u3.l

Originally Posted by GavinGill

I think I'm getting dumber as the days go by. I know for a fact that if I were to run into my 18 year old self (senior year of high school), "he" would be absolutely disgusted by me and my lack of progress. I used to be someone that people were proud to know or be acquainted with; ever since I was a kid people were always hyping me up about how I was going to do big things with my life. And now I'm just another one of those good-for-nothing slobs that I used to (albeit guiltily) look down upon.

I'm not even depressed anymore, just tired. All the fucking time. I know what to do, how to do it, and where I'm supposed to go from here... But I don't feel like doing it. I don't know if I simply lack the motivation or if I'm just lazy as fuck. And complaining about it doesn't do a god damn thing but waste even more time, yet here I am sfdbgjkawbglijrwebgiu f0 9u3.l

I know exactly how you feel. I'm only now starting to feel better because I am finally choosing to do something and just going with it. But for over 6 years now I have felt like you do.
I was listening to the Joe Rogan podcast the other day and he said something which really resonated with me, he said he always has to be doing something, improving himself in some way, learning, practicing, creating, improving in some way, otherwise he feels like he's stuck, gets depressed, feels like a loser etc.

It would be a lie to say that was an epiphany inducing moment though, I've been building up to this point for the last couple of years, but it is 100% true for me.

If I look back on what I've been doing to start getting back to my younger self, it started with looking at myself honestly, which you seem to have already done.
For years I acted like a was smart and knowledgeable because everyone told me I was and treated me like I was. I was smarter than them, but that doesn't mean anything, 50% of people have an IQ lower than 100 and most people don't care about knowledge beyond the new Lady Gaga song.
So it started with me realising I was just acting for years. I was condescending toward people who didn't pursue intellectual things or didn't think for themselves or believed spiritual or mystical things. Even though I did neither of those things and had a tonne of OCD beliefs which made no logical sense.

About this, I will say it is not your fault. Studies have shown that it is extremely detrimental to praise your kid for being smart or say they can do anything coz they're so amazing etc.
It leads to you not trying much because you believe you are special and talented etc. and when you fail, it leads to depression because you think maybe you're not that good.
It then leads to not trying at all because you don't want to fail.

Anyway, the next thing I did was just pick up again the one thing I really enjoyed and had motivation for and had access to, piano. I started with simple but nice songs. So not too hard to learn but enjoyable to play. This kept me practicing regularly and now it's turned in to something I pretty much have to do. I feel this urge to play, inside me somewhere, almost every day, and now I can learn and play more difficult songs which are much more enjoyable in the long run.

So yeah, what you need to do is find something like that, and apply that method to whatever it is. Start simple but enjoyable, and go from there.

That's really all you have to do. Once you realise you can get good at one thing, you'll more easily apply it to other things as well.

Remember no one gets anywhere without effort, even Da Vinci was constantly practicing and improving every day. I think the Mona Lisa took something like 8 years to paint.

As for whether you're lazy or lack motivation. I got a great insight from a guy on an ADD forum. He said we're not lazy because people who are lazy don't actually want to do anything. We want to do things, we have ambitions, we just can't get the motivation to do it.
I'm not saying you have ADD, but as you said, you have the desire to improve and you know what you want to do and where you want to go.
That's the key. As long as you know that, you can work toward it.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

I keep saying I'm going to turn things around tomorrow but I keep fucking up somehow. It's like I keep giving up without realizing it, and by the time it hits me, the day's already over. Not doing too well atm, but I'm better (mentally) than I was a few months ago. So I'm stuck in this transitional phase that should have only lasted a few days, but I've managed to drag it out for like 3 months...

I think I'm getting dumber as the days go by. I know for a fact that if I were to run into my 18 year old self (senior year of high school), "he" would be absolutely disgusted by me and my lack of progress. I used to be someone that people were proud to know or be acquainted with; ever since I was a kid people were always hyping me up about how I was going to do big things with my life. And now I'm just another one of those good-for-nothing slobs that I used to (albeit guiltily) look down upon.

I'm not even depressed anymore, just tired. All the fucking time. I know what to do, how to do it, and where I'm supposed to go from here... But I don't feel like doing it. I don't know if I simply lack the motivation or if I'm just lazy as fuck. And complaining about it doesn't do a god damn thing but waste even more time, yet here I am sfdbgjkawbglijrwebgiu f0 9u3.l

Like tommo stated, which is basically my life in cliffnotes right now, when you start questioning yourself and the expectations people place on you, it's not really depression, you're just trying to understand the higher motive behind all of the things that have led you to this point (i.e. you being sick and tired of having to sustain all of these desires and expectations from others). It gets to the point where you don't want to become a product of societal expectations to do good, to be this productive citizen that can make some betterment of society. And like what tommo stated with how our parents have predispositions to think that the best interest of their child is to become a feedback loop for positive reinforcement and thinking that makes them a good parent.

That's what happens when people take conditional love way too far and it becomes parasitic. The parent wants the best for their children, and they may get heated and passionate about it, the child goes through a self-fulfilling prophecy without even knowing about it. They never get the chance to have parents that can express unconditional love instead of using only (keyword only) conditional love because of the fear of the probability of the child failing and potentially becoming a disgrace to their familial roots. We have this idea that because they are our family, that we have to do things, to become better people for the sake of preserving the lineage, but if they're all gone from our lives (long distance interaction or even death), our self-schema of ourselves changes completely.

It becomes destroyed, and that's when the depression hits, because these people we express all of these traits (love, belonging etc.) was so easy to do, but when it's just ourselves and the totality of our mind, it feels like we're at a blank canvas. We see how we truly acted towards people who failed (like tommo mentioned) with us being condescending and patronizing toward others that we used to think were just stupid and incompetent. We see them for who they really are despite of their differences, and now it's a matter of just using that time where we're questioning our own standards and moralities and creating a new meaning without only having to rely on the expectations of peers, parents, and others.

I'm not saying you should absolve yourself from those people, keep them in your memory, but there's just times where if you truly want to accomplish your dreams, you would be willing to sacrifice everything that would get in your way in the urgency of doing and making those dreams a reality. Most of the time it's a temporary stage where we just have to get ourselves back up again, and hopefully people we care about will still be there and we can see them in a new light. But whatever you choose to do with your life and whatever changes that may come about GavinGill, don't forget who you are.

Could y'all also be sick? Sometimes, if our immune system is under attack it leads to fatigue, loss of motivation and depression.
Hubby's like that. He always WANTS to do stuff, but doesn't have the energy to do anything besides work.

I'm lazy I have no desire to do more than I do. I am perfectly content spending my time crocheting, gaming and watching Hulu. When the internet is down, I read. If I have no books, I write. If I'm not in the mood to write, I study the Bible.
That's why I ultimately concluded that I'm not truly spiritual or creative. I only turn to those when there's nothing else to do

My rant is humidity. I've always known my room has abnormally high levels of humidity in the warmer months. I never knew just how HIGH until this morning.
Out of desperation, I sprinkled salt all over my floor last night before bed. When I woke up, it appeared as if water was sprinkled all over my floor. What the heck lol. It's actually pretty impressive. You would think this "water" would evaporate. Maybe it would eventually. The salt fell onto a couple small boxes and a purse and those appear wet as well. And boy, oh boy, were the fleas pissed off. It was like watching popcorn when I first sprinkled the stuff.
I even did "voice overs" for the fleas as they jumped around going insane. Yeah, I'm too easily amused :rofl:

That voice over game sounds like fun Zhaylin.

I actually quite enjoy my study, and I realise it's something I just need to do. I don't mind exchanging 4 years of my life so the other 60 years can be awesome. My free time is so limited though, I have about 3 free hours a day. I don't mind that much though. In fact, I've been feeling a lot better since I started studying again. Also started working out again and going to take ninjutsu classes again when I have 70 euros leftover.

Haven't had sex in a pretty long time, it sucks. That's the only rant I have for now.

hehe, I do that wayyyy too often, Athylus. The sleepier I am, the worse it gets. I also switch up lyrics to different songs to fit my mood

Delayed gratification seems to be a dying discipline. I'm glad you can see the big picture, Athylus. In the long run, you'll be so glad you got the drudgery out of the way.

I live in the now. It's all about instant gratification. More often than not, I end up wanting to bang my head against a wall. But the future overwhelms me so it's easier just not to think about it.

Ninjutsu classes sound awesome. I wish I could get back into Kempo. I've not taken it since my teen-aged years but I loved it. Now I live in the Boonies and I'm always broke so it's not an option.

My rant is that it's bed time. I've been abusing Benadryl so I can sleep at night (1-2 pills knocks me out for 10+ hours). My boys have GED glasses tomorrow and I'm not sleeping in the car anymore. I almost died of heat stroke last time lol But nap or no nap, 4 hours feels like an eternity when your stuck in a car (I haven't the money for gas to do anything else- the place is too far away to go there, home and back).
I do love Benadryl dreams though. Hopefully I'll have enough time to write them down tomorrow.

Goodnight everyone.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

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Originally Posted by tommo

...

I should be really happy that others experience this too.... but where the hell was all of this relating a few months ago to like 8 years ago..? I've brought all of that up before, and I don't recall hearing anyone being able to relate to it this much. Other than, it's happened to them short-term, for a few weeks once and they realized something which stopped it, then they pass on the advice to me. And of course it doesn't work, because I've already tried everything conceivable. But now, after I've finally figured it out for myself and am succeeding without a choice now since I'm in school, someone brings it up.

Finally doing better for me was a mixture of forcing myself to try and luck. I think what really ended up helping me was simply ridding myself of deeply held self-hatred. I suspect now that subconsciously, that might have been the whole reason for years of failure and procrastination. None of my attempts to try harder worked because they were short-term fixes which I ended up abandoning. I think I didn't believe I deserved to succeed and so I expected not to, and felt like failure was inevitable. And it's not like I was replacing hatred with 'self love' or anything. That attempt has always seemed fake and stupid to me. I just replace it with nothing, a neutral feeling about myself. Realizing it's completely irrational and useless to feel like shit about myself.

The thing about parents affecting their kids negatively when they tell them how great they are, definitely applies to me. That itself might have been the cause for my self-hatred. Because I used to expect so much of myself as a result of my mom convincing me when I was a kid that I was super-smart, amazingly beautiful, compassionate, creative, etc. She even went so far as to say (don't know how I remember this since I was really young) that she thinks my brother and I have really 'old souls' or some shit, and that we're really rare. I also remember her telling my brother and I multiple times that before she got pregnant, she had a dream about two 'beautiful baby angels' flying down to her smiling, and that she realized they were going to be her kids and that they were going to make her life better.

Basically, she convinced me I was a wonderful person in every way. And it didn't help that I was kind of good at a lot of things at a young age. That all just reinforced the belief. She thought I'd accomplish so much, she literally thought I'd be famous when I grew up. She'd often say that she knows whatever I decided to do, I'd do well at it because I'm so amazing (this continued until I was like 15). So I started to think I really was superior to everyone else and this wonderful person... that belief is probably still ingrained in me somewhere. But it just makes the inevitable realization that there really isn't anything objectively special about me a lot worse. It was a slow realization, really fucking slow. And my mom continued to think I was wonderful for a long time, like she was realizing I wasn't since I was obviously failing but was struggling to keep believing it.

After talking to her a bit more recently I've realized that she did this because her mother had done the opposite with her. From the stories she's told me about her mother, she was verbally abusive, and made my mom feel like shit about herself. She didn't encourage her to do anything, told her she'd never make anything of herself, made her feel bad for not having friends, etc. So in a way I understand why my mom thought raising her own kids in the most encouraging way possible was a good idea. But she did it way too much and it backfired. I've actually tried to bring that up to her, that trying to encourage me too much was detrimental, but it seems like she's refusing to even consider that could be true. It's kind of annoying actually, like she doesn't even take it seriously and thinks I'm making things up.

Thanks, you guys. Really appreciate the help. ^^

I really hate facebook.

I've never really used it much. I only have 35 friends, who are mostly family or people who added me who I don't really know well. Only a few do I actually talk to often, and all of those people I use other mediums to communicate with. So not much of my information is updated properly.. I just kind of check it absentmindedly once a day or so.

So my lab partner added me to FB, and mentioned I still have my old college listed there and not the university's name we were in. So when I got home today I decided to add the university, and that led to me changing other things.... and before I knew it hours had passed. What has been pissing me off so much is that everything I fucking change appears on my friends' feeds (I went on my bf's account to check this) automatically. To stop that I had to find it under privacy settings. The only things I couldn't make private were my 'cover photo', display picture and school change. And the cover photo and school got likes from my aunt and some random person who is apparently my relative. I decided also to change my 'religious views' from "None (atheist)" to "None," as I've been worrying about offending anyone on my list who associates negatively the word 'atheist'. Then, I go on my bf's account and see under the feed "Alyssa ****** has changed her religious views." Lol! ...... Yeah, that isn't what I wanted at all. Now people who never noticed the "None (atheist)" will see that, look at the "None" and think I've just stopped believing in God. -.- AND, another thing happened. While changing my profile picture, I hit open and forgot I was in a pseudo-explorer window because I'd been browsing for so long. I saw a picture of my boyfriend from about a year ago when he had long hair I'd screen-shotted on Skype. Interested in the larger version, I double clicked and... no warning at all! It just set my profile picture to his image. I panicked and changed it back in about 15 seconds. I found that simply changing my profile picture again didn't work... it had saved a copy of the picture in my pictures too, which I had to delete. What happened to "Are you sure you want to set this picture?" dialog boxes? Oh, right, facebook assumes you have nothing to hide. If it can detect something, it wants everyone to know about it.

I'm not sure why this irritates me so much. This kind of thing makes me terrified to go on facebook, because I don't know what's being recorded. I'm afraid to so much as 'like' a page because people will be able to see it. There's nothing I'd feel like typing on there that I'm comfortable announcing in front of all 35 people. I don't know how the hell people with hundreds of friends do it... don't you get like... stagefright?

I only have 35 friends,

that's more than double the amount i have. but yeah facebook annoys me to, that why i rarely go on. most of my family have over 200 hundred facebook friends. i would have to devote my whole life to facebook in order to keep up with what 200 people are doing.

There's nothing I'd feel like typing on there that I'm comfortable announcing in front of all 35 people. I don't know how the hell people with hundreds of friends do it... don't you get like... stagefright?

people are a lot more ballsy behind a computer screen.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I should be really happy that others experience this too.... but where the hell was all of this relating a few months ago to like 8 years ago..? I've brought all of that up before, and I don't recall hearing anyone being able to relate to it this much. Other than, it's happened to them short-term, for a few weeks once and they realized something which stopped it, then they pass on the advice to me. And of course it doesn't work, because I've already tried everything conceivable. But now, after I've finally figured it out for myself and am succeeding without a choice now since I'm in school, someone brings it up.

I feel like I have brought this up before in this thread, and also similar things when talking/replying to you specifically.
I have a feeling you saw the advice as not really helpful because, as me and Link were talking about a couple of months ago, people never really understand the advice they are given.
You almost have to go through some things yourself before you can learn from it. As you say below:

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Finally doing better for me was a mixture of forcing myself to try and luck. I think what really ended up helping me was simply ridding myself of deeply held self-hatred. I suspect now that subconsciously, that might have been the whole reason for years of failure and procrastination. None of my attempts to try harder worked because they were short-term fixes which I ended up abandoning. I think I didn't believe I deserved to succeed and so I expected not to, and felt like failure was inevitable. And it's not like I was replacing hatred with 'self love' or anything. That attempt has always seemed fake and stupid to me. I just replace it with nothing, a neutral feeling about myself. Realizing it's completely irrational and useless to feel like shit about myself.

You had to figure it out for yourself. Of course advice can help lead you on the way, but ultimately you realise the cause of your problems.

Also I guess I only really figured this shit out properly very, very recently, so back when I said similar things to you I probably didn't even believe it myself or hadn't fully grasped the solution yet.

I had to laugh at your first sentence though, coz I thought exactly the same thing when I first read that study and other people's experiences on Reddit.
So much wasted time....
But it's in the past now and you shouldn't worry about that coz you can't change it. Just keep it as a reminder to never behave that way again.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

After talking to her a bit more recently I've realized that she did this because her mother had done the opposite with her. From the stories she's told me about her mother, she was verbally abusive, and made my mom feel like shit about herself. She didn't encourage her to do anything, told her she'd never make anything of herself, made her feel bad for not having friends, etc. So in a way I understand why my mom thought raising her own kids in the most encouraging way possible was a good idea. But she did it way too much and it backfired. I've actually tried to bring that up to her, that trying to encourage me too much was detrimental, but it seems like she's refusing to even consider that could be true. It's kind of annoying actually, like she doesn't even take it seriously and thinks I'm making things up.

My aunty was exactly like that. She probably treats me as special more than anyone else, despite all my complete fuckups. She was neglected completely by her mother and told she would never do anything good etc. and got kicked out of her house at 15.
I guess people have a tendency to go from one extreme to the other. Thinking because one thing was so bad, the opposite must be really good.
The truth is that it is generally better to go for somewhere in the middle.



Facebook.... I have less than 10 people on there now. And it's really not that bad. I even just deleted one person the other day coz they were being stupid.
It's a pretty good tool for keeping in touch with people and getting back in touch with people. Obviously the privacy issues are a major downfall, they don't even let you use Tor to connect to the site. But other than that, it has a purpose and it works quite well for that. You just have to use it properly.

OMG. FUCK chemistry lab man. Fuck it. Today instead of starting with Experiment 1 (to help us get the concepts and ease us into lab), we had to do experiment 2 which was about five times harder because the school wasn't prepared. We did the known portion today and we are going to do the unknown next week.

Well, guess what? We didn't have all the supplies we needed so I'm having to go to the stock room to get beakers and shit we should have had while we're in a time crunch, there's not enough equipment for all of us to not fight over it, the equipment isn't calibrated properly, and even working in pairs we only managed to get through 2/3 of the experiment (dividing and conquering, cutting down on an hour or twos worth of work) before time ran out. This week we were allowed to ask questions, but guess what? I couldn't understand hardly anything my TA said because she has a super thick accent so that was absolutely no help whatsoever.

Next week we're supposed to do everything by ourselves, without questions or helping each other at all. That effectively doubles the number of people in the class fighting over equipment, as well as doubling the stuff to do in the already impossible amount of time we had to do it in.

I told my TA "I'm not bad with time management but I seriously doubt we will be able to finish next lab."
Her reply? "Yes you will." Seriously? With everything I just said? No. I'm a realist, and realistically that's about a 5-6 hour lab in a 3 hour time period. Maybe she could do it since she's had years of experience and knows how to use all the crap. But me? No way. Fucking ridiculous. If the rest of the labs are going to be like this I'm going to explode.

NewArtemis. That would annoy me. Is she new? Has unrealistic expectations due to lack of experience (in a class setting)?
Hope it goes better than you expect!!

everyone.

My mom verbally bashed me from time to time. I was never good enough. My father was heavy-handed with my brother so mom felt she had to level the playing field somewhat.
For my own kids, I took the middle ground. I neither build them up nor tear them down. I'm the voice of reason. When they said they wanted to be doctors or scientists, I told them they better work on their math skills They could do whatever they set their minds too if it was important enough and they were devoted enough.

The middle road didn't turn out so well either. My "voice of reason" was strangled by my permissive and forgiving personality. 'Your sister strangled you? Do you have any witnesses? No? Then how can I punish her. You could be making things up. I don't believe you? Well.....' I believe it takes two people to fight. I know my kids. None of them were ever "innocent". If one of them was set off it was because another one of them did or said something. And then I'm accused of taking sides and playing favorites. *escapes back to my bedroom*

No true rants from me today. I broke down and swept the salt off the floor. I was going to leave it for 3 days, but *ugh* I just couldn't let it sit any longer. It's so strange. I swept up less than half of what I poured out. The rest of it evaporated. Huh... maybe that's why I've been having a terrible yucky mouth- like I've been sucking on salt, come to think about it. But nah... there wasn't THAT much salt
My floor still looks wet. I'll give it a proper mopping later on.

I looked up fleas and they can't jump, vertically, higher than 7 inches. But horizontally, they can jump 13 inches. Impressively annoying little buggers. I bought some more deet for my legs (knees down). That has brought me GREAT relief!!

**EDIT**
I take it back. I DO have a rant, though minor. My ankle's bothering me again. I injured it back in March or May. It was almost intolerable some days, now it's just a nagging sort of annoyance. I can't "pop" the ankle any more. When I do, it's not a normal pop- more like a grind and a snag and it HURTS initially.
It would probably get better if I'd stop sitting on the foot (my heel stays under my butt or near my crotch so that the foot is always "pointing"). It doesn't hurt to sit on. I spend well over 90% of my waking life sitting down. It's walking and stretching that bothers it.

I seem to only have 2 speeds. Sedentary and Speedy Gonzales. If I move, I move quickly because I want to sit back down again
But once I get going, I get jittery, impatient and it takes me a very long time to wind back down.

My rant is that, I finally unwound after my trip to 5 different stores earlier this evening... but now guilt is plaguing me and I feel like crap.
I encouraged my youngest daughter (17 in December) to verbally let me have it a week ago or so. I had it coming, but now her words wound me.
My oldest daughter thought she might be pregnant and joked around saying I was going to move in with her to raise her baby. When my youngest lashed out, she brought that up and said I had no business even thinking about that because I did such a shitty job with my own 4 kids and I'd just screw up my grandkid.

Ugh. My youngest sort of tells it like it is. When she gets going, she holds nothing back lol. Why did it take so long for her words to sink in
Time to go block these thoughts with more Hulu.

Hey guys, it's a been a while.
I'll keep it short and sweet.
At work today:
So, we've recently got self serve, and I'm attending the registers, to assist people if they require it.
We're encouraged to ask people to try self-serve, so I smile at this man and I say 'Excuse me mate, would you like to try self serve?'
And I'm literally met with 'Fuck off you rude little prick, let me shop you C--t.
Some people are VERY hostile, when it comes to self serve, god knows what I have to do with it.