Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I hate how people are struggling day by day working jobs paycheck to paycheck than theres ones abusing the government on welfare and also the congress and other officials making so much damn money.

Ya, don't worry about me here, the flood didn't reach my house lol, it was more downtown near the lake. SO glad i don't live near the lake, it should remind me not to move near the lake for future references....and i'm lucky i still have power while half of my city didn't....felt bad about those people stuck in the GO train for 5 hrs with no AC. Many thought they weren't going to be evacuated.
http://www.cp24.com/massive-flooding-in-gta-1.1358947
Best picture i seen here is a hot police man carrying a woman across the water so movie inspired lol
ALL in all we got together and helped each other Toronto survived another flood ! WHOOOho!



Later rant....At least i know where i am not wanted, and feel that people are against me...i give you the benefit of the doubt and just leave, probably it's better that way and no one will ask for me, i'm sure people out there know what i mean.
Fuck yall haters go suck a goat, idgaf, don't try me.

I got text from my long time friend's sister saying my friend passed away. I met him in kindergarten....I still don't have the details of what happened. Both of their parents have already passed away (I went to their fathers funeral last year) and I feel so sorry for her, and the oldest brother.

Every morning when I wake up, I type my dreams into my phone as a memo. And then I write them down in my official dream journal. But I haven't done it for about 2 months. So now I still have to write down 70 dreams and I really don't feel like doing it. Cause I'm so lazy.

And it's so hard for me to fall asleep at night during the summer. I usually go to bed at about 11pm and I'm still awake at 2am. It's probably because it's too hot in my room. So that makes it quite hard for me to have lucid dreams aswell. I do have a fan, but it makes so much noise and it makes me sick aswell (sore throat, stuffed nose,..). So I really don't know what to do :c

i heard about the toronto flood on the news yesterday... scary as hell. i live just outside of the city and the storm barely missed us.

i've been having trouble sleeping too. it's been absurdly hot and humid lately, even at night... my bedroom's on the top floor and there's no AC. fans do nothing. it's seriously torture : ^ ( i can't wait to move out

Originally Posted by Crashyy

Every morning when I wake up, I type my dreams into my phone as a memo. And then I write them down in my official dream journal. But I haven't done it for about 2 months. So now I still have to write down 70 dreams and I really don't feel like doing it. Cause I'm so lazy.

Then don't do it, that's making it way too stressful. Or maybe just choose a couple that were really memorable to write down. Then just break the habit now and start writing the full versions down in the morning.

Originally Posted by Crashyy

And it's so hard for me to fall asleep at night during the summer. I usually go to bed at about 11pm and I'm still awake at 2am. It's probably because it's too hot in my room. So that makes it quite hard for me to have lucid dreams aswell. I do have a fan, but it makes so much noise and it makes me sick aswell (sore throat, stuffed nose,..). So I really don't know what to do :c

Originally Posted by fiftybirds

i've been having trouble sleeping too. it's been absurdly hot and humid lately, even at night... my bedroom's on the top floor and there's no AC. fans do nothing. it's seriously torture : ^ ( i can't wait to move out

Same problem. If you're on the top floor, is it possible to move to the bottom floor, if only just to sleep? Or just take a cold shower before bed, or keep a wet washcloth or something like that near the bed. Luckily when it's gotten too bad a fan has worked for me.

Originally Posted by fiftybirds

i've been having trouble sleeping too. it's been absurdly hot and humid lately, even at night... my bedroom's on the top floor and there's no AC. fans do nothing. it's seriously torture : ^ ( i can't wait to move out

I used to live in a non-ac dorm, and this is in Texas so temps reached 100+ daily for a while. We did what Dianeva suggested, showers before bed, washcloths (or soaking a t-shirt in cold water and wearing that), having a ready supply of water and ice before bed so if it was really bad you could make some cold packs, and a fan (which you said doesn't do much, but it really helped me. Got an awesome one for like $20). Windows open helped too.

Once my body adjusted to the heat I only needed a window open and the fan on low. The first week was absolutely brutal though. I can empathize.

Why don't people listen to me? I'm so angry right now! I'm trying not to be too pissed off, obviously I have some deficiency that keeps me from giving a coherent explanation.

^ No idea if it's the same issue, but I've definitely noticed that on days when I'm low energy I can't make anybody listen to me in a group, they'll just seem not to even notice me no matter how loud I protest, instead they'll all just listen to the more high-energy people. Then on days when I'm feeling good and have higher energy they'll listen to me and sometimes the people who usually hold everyone's attention might be drowned out instead.

After noticing this phenomenon I started paying attention to it in other forms too, and I noticed when I've got a lot of gusto I also don't seem to notice the quiet people who might be feeling off that day or who habitually don't assert themselves very strongly. Getting enough sleep and some exercise seems to help a lot with it.

I'm never high energy except perhaps while drunk. I guess that explains a lot.

---------

About 67 hours into quitting smoking. Actually feeling worse today than I have the last couple days, craving a cigarette so badly right now, more badly than I have yet actually. Pronouns piss me off right now.

EDIT:

Spoiler for pissed off rant:

THIS is fo bad right now. Fucking crying. Can't fucking stand anything. My dad acting like he thinks he understands just makes it worse, just fucking annoying as fuck. Tryign to relate to me and has this overall tone like he thinks he knows how I feel. If he really understood he wouldn't fucking even try to talk to me, he wouldn't even fucking think about it. He just comes up to me and I walk out becaues I already feel lik eI'm going to explod e nad he's like "can I ask u a question [lol]?" And I say what, and he says how are you doing? And I say this day is worse than the last two. Then I walk away to get away and as I'm going upstairs he says "You know, this is probably the worst day an dit will get better soon!" FUCK. Trying to fucking advise me and shit, that makes me more annoyed than anything. Feel like I'm fucking dying. Having 1 smoke, even 1/2 of one would stop all of this and make it all better. How the fuck do I not? Fuck. I'm gettin gsome fucking booze even though I said I wouldn't anymore after the hangover yesterdya.

So fucking hot in here too, sweating, and people in this neighborhood always decide to do stuff outside. Alwyas banging on something or operating some lawnmower or chainsaw or w/e the fuck, stupid fucking children yelling, alwys planes passing overhead becaues the airport's right here, barely 5 minutes can pass without some noise. Which isn't so bad if my window is closed but it's way too fucking hot, just sitting here sweating. I've been told that the first day of quitting smoking is the worst, but apparently not for me. And that it only lasts 3-4 days. Well I'm on my 3rd day and the bad part seems only to be starting. I actually thought that maybe ti wasn't so bad for me, because I haven't been smoking long enough, only like 15 months so it isn't that hard to break. Now I'm finally feeling as terrible as I've heard it's supposed to be. Not like I"m happy about it. Was just thinking earlier that it really isn't THAT bad.... seemed to avoid it, maybe my body takes it easier than most people's, i wasn't really that addicted t oit. But that seems to all be bs now.

Originally Posted by Darkmatters

^ No idea if it's the same issue, but I've definitely noticed that on days when I'm low energy I can't make anybody listen to me in a group, they'll just seem not to even notice me no matter how loud I protest, instead they'll all just listen to the more high-energy people. Then on days when I'm feeling good and have higher energy they'll listen to me and sometimes the people who usually hold everyone's attention might be drowned out instead.

After noticing this phenomenon I started paying attention to it in other forms too, and I noticed when I've got a lot of gusto I also don't seem to notice the quiet people who might be feeling off that day or who habitually don't assert themselves very strongly. Getting enough sleep and some exercise seems to help a lot with it.

Yeah, when we're expressing more confidence along with our high state of being, people naturally find themselves drowning out by your high-spirits because there's a sense of rapport or harmony between the interaction. Because you're more assertive and thus create yourself into an authority figure that people can look up to, they'll find themselves mirroring your actions to where it seems like we're all going through this mental dance of seeing things eye to eye with others. The more we get into this dance, it's a matter of who can keep up the pace vs. who just sit and listens.

But when it comes to those people who are shy or are just more reserved than they usually are, being assertive to them often makes them feel intimidated, and if we want to relate to them, we would have to mirror the body language they have, the tonality that expresses reserved and occasionally depressive behavior. This way, we take ourselves off from having an authority status, so the person can see that you're someone they can relate to more because you give them this vibe, body language, and tonality similar to theirs. And this ironically is how we can go back into being an authority figure and relating to those people more.

This is why whenever I talk to someone that I know I'll have a decent discussion with, before we even start, I usually ask them random questions that will automatically make them say "yes" or "no." Like for a yes response, I'd just state the obvious of what they're wearing, and for a "no" response, just saying something that contradicts what's happening outside (the weather or something like that). Because before they get a chance to respond, I usually become aware of their body language and other factors they give before they breathe out a response, this way, it almost feels as if I'm already predicting how they'll respond to something, and usually, it ends up being that way.

Isn't it fun when we actually see how we can go through a mental dance of rapport with others in almost any condition they're in just by knowing when to be more assertive or less assertive?

EDIT:[SPOILER="pissed off rant"] My dad acting like he thinks he understands just makes it worse, just fucking annoying as fuck. Tryign to relate to me and has this overall tone like he thinks he knows how I feel. If he really understood he wouldn't fucking even try to talk to me, he wouldn't even fucking think about it.

Your father: "I know how it feels, *empathy mode* but don't worry, everything will get better!"

You:

No, I didn't say a thing. I was just complaining on here because I didn't think DV people would be mean enough to irritate me further, especially not intentionally. And I don't know why you'd put that annoying gif there - obviously doesn't make me feel better either, just annoying, mocking me. I didn't say anything. And you're mocking me like I'm some stupid teenager saying no one understands. It's a real feeling, real anger. Please don't take it lightly and make fun of it or you're a malicious asshole.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

No, I didn't say a thing. I was just complaining on here because I didn't think DV people would be mean enough to irritate me further, especially not intentionally. And I don't know why you'd put that annoying gif there - obviously doesn't make me feel better either, just annoying, mocking me. I didn't say anything. And you're mocking me like I'm some stupid teenager saying no one understands. It's a real feeling, real anger. Please don't take it lightly and make fun of it or you're a malicious asshole.

Wasn't trying to console you at all or even make you re-think the matter of something that shouldn't be much of a concern, if I wanted to do that, I would've done this:

I know how it feels to have parents that seem to be patronizing when they feel they can relate to us, because when a person like you knows how people work, and can easily analyze and make fair judgement about their character, if they come in to try and give you advice, we tend to scoff or ask "What? in an annoyed tone.

Because your father just said something naive and too easy to say with the "everything will be better," it was obvious from the start of why you hated people who were like that. That they weren't realistic or capable of relating to what you're thinking, which is why the gif of "You don't even know!" was something I felt I could put, but I had too much of a cognitive bias to see that you could relate to that. So that is my fault, but either way, all I'm saying is, when we develop a lack of communication with our parents (and I don't mean just listening to them and not saying anything), and we find our parents are trying to reach out to us, we become disgusted with them because we have predispositions of them always trying to be patronizing.

And either way, whether you felt DV was the place where people weren't as intimidating, you're seriously in a gridlock either way, especially when previous comments and some other discussions from other members ended up with you spewing the whole "You're either genuinely expressing it or you're a fake." And for me to be a malcious asshole when I had my fair share of bitching and complaining myself, that I would have a militant approach in trying to mock you, it seemed kind of obvious that if I really wanted to put myself in that position of a malicious asshole, I'd do it from the start.

Because if I did, I would become a hypocrite, because people can do just the same with mocking or trolling me with those rants and complaints I made before. We're all vulnerable to this, but rarely anyone does this to anyone on this thread.

I wasn't taking anything lightly, and you should know my over-analytical mindfuck of a brain doesn't take things lightly as well. So either way, I was just going to leave you alone, since I knew I would just be like your father spewing this to you if you actually communicated with him without presumptions of him being patronizing (especially with the "Can I ask you a question [lol?]" that just gives a vibe of him being patronizing). I never take anything lightly from you, trust me.

I see there's a moon cycle today, and it reads "Don't mess with women today, they will bite you."

Originally Posted by Darkmatters

^ No idea if it's the same issue, but I've definitely noticed that on days when I'm low energy I can't make anybody listen to me in a group, they'll just seem not to even notice me no matter how loud I protest, instead they'll all just listen to the more high-energy people. Then on days when I'm feeling good and have higher energy they'll listen to me and sometimes the people who usually hold everyone's attention might be drowned out instead.

After noticing this phenomenon I started paying attention to it in other forms too, and I noticed when I've got a lot of gusto I also don't seem to notice the quiet people who might be feeling off that day or who habitually don't assert themselves very strongly. Getting enough sleep and some exercise seems to help a lot with it.

=/ It doesn't seem to matter if I'm high energy or not. It's probably a force of personality thing, it's kind of hard to explain and it's not just every now and then, it's all time. Some of it can be attributed to the fact that I work in retail and customers tend to ignore answers that don't line up with what they wanted to hear, but it's not just them. It's everyone.
Like yesterday, my dad asked for me to make a copy of a document for him. I tell him I work 8-5 and that I can e-mail it from a fax machine at work it in the morning, which I do. Then he texts me around 11 asking if I'm at work and says that the document is missing a section at the top. Says "No scanner at Lowe's?" somehow assuming that I took a picture from my phone. That's two things he completely ignored, that I'm working 8-5 and that I sent the document from a fax machine.
So I explain again about the fax machine, and ask whether he would rather I take a picture with my phone, or I can send the document in sections from the fax machine to ensure that it gets all of it.
To which he asks, "Can't you get it in one scan?"
By now I'm about to crush my phone in irritation. "Obviously not, since the last time it cut off the top."....

Or, yesterday morning I put together an install for a woman but because we did a part of it manually, it didn't take off her detail fee. So I told her, while I'm pulling it up for her to SEE, that I'm taking the detail fee off the price of her microwave, and that all she has to do is go up to the front and pay.
I get a call five minutes later because she wanted to make sure I took off the $35. I DID IT IN FRONT OF HER. >.< AAAAARRRRRGGGGH

There must be something wrong with me.

Originally Posted by Amurehna

=/ It doesn't seem to matter if I'm high energy or not. It's probably a force of personality thing, it's kind of hard to explain and it's not just every now and then, it's all time. Some of it can be attributed to the fact that I work in retail and customers tend to ignore answers that don't line up with what they wanted to hear, but it's not just them. It's everyone.
Like yesterday, my dad asked for me to make a copy of a document for him. I tell him I work 8-5 and that I can e-mail it from a fax machine at work it in the morning, which I do. Then he texts me around 11 asking if I'm at work and says that the document is missing a section at the top. Says "No scanner at Lowe's?" somehow assuming that I took a picture from my phone. That's two things he completely ignored, that I'm working 8-5 and that I sent the document from a fax machine.
So I explain again about the fax machine, and ask whether he would rather I take a picture with my phone, or I can send the document in sections from the fax machine to ensure that it gets all of it.
To which he asks, "Can't you get it in one scan?"
By now I'm about to crush my phone in irritation. "Obviously not, since the last time it cut off the top."....

Or, yesterday morning I put together an install for a woman but because we did a part of it manually, it didn't take off her detail fee. So I told her, while I'm pulling it up for her to SEE, that I'm taking the detail fee off the price of her microwave, and that all she has to do is go up to the front and pay.
I get a call five minutes later because she wanted to make sure I took off the $35. I DID IT IN FRONT OF HER. >.< AAAAARRRRRGGGGH

There must be something wrong with me.

No there is nothing wrong with you. Just people over cautious.

Originally Posted by Amurehna

=/ It doesn't seem to matter if I'm high energy or not. It's probably a force of personality thing, it's kind of hard to explain and it's not just every now and then, it's all time. Some of it can be attributed to the fact that I work in retail and customers tend to ignore answers that don't line up with what they wanted to hear, but it's not just them. It's everyone.
Like yesterday, my dad asked for me to make a copy of a document for him. I tell him I work 8-5 and that I can e-mail it from a fax machine at work it in the morning, which I do. Then he texts me around 11 asking if I'm at work and says that the document is missing a section at the top. Says "No scanner at Lowe's?" somehow assuming that I took a picture from my phone. That's two things he completely ignored, that I'm working 8-5 and that I sent the document from a fax machine.
So I explain again about the fax machine, and ask whether he would rather I take a picture with my phone, or I can send the document in sections from the fax machine to ensure that it gets all of it.
To which he asks, "Can't you get it in one scan?"
By now I'm about to crush my phone in irritation. "Obviously not, since the last time it cut off the top."....

Or, yesterday morning I put together an install for a woman but because we did a part of it manually, it didn't take off her detail fee. So I told her, while I'm pulling it up for her to SEE, that I'm taking the detail fee off the price of her microwave, and that all she has to do is go up to the front and pay.
I get a call five minutes later because she wanted to make sure I took off the $35. I DID IT IN FRONT OF HER. >.< AAAAARRRRRGGGGH

There must be something wrong with me.

No no, you're doing your job right, and you even give people other options to get the same result. You even were generous by taking off the detail fee, and yet she still wants to know if you really took it off. So it's maybe how you express yourself, or just like hathor said, people are just over-cautious.

But I understand with the situation with your father where he asks for you to do something, you do it, you even find ways to get the same results for him, and yet he refutes it completely, thus making you angry and frustrated at him. It's the same for my father as well, because I end up doing things he wants me to do, he suddenly changes plans without me noticing, and then finds SOME way to irritate me and say it was my fault.

It's because of people's lack of understanding that if we're trying to help them get what they want, and they want something else that clearly didn't work before, it gets to the point where we question the other person requesting has competence in knowing they're too sporadic. So for you, you're just doing your job, you already know what to do, but you're in a field of people that can't accept things when you've given proof of it. It's a miserable thing we have to bear with from time to time, and I can sympathize how you have to deal with people like that.

I guess when we don't demonstrate things in a way that becomes memorable to these people, they'll end up questioning you and/or recycling the same problems you know will happen. We find ourselves a gridlock with idiots, which again, leads to what hathor said, they're too over-cautious, and they're also just stupid to see the answers when it's RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.

I guess it's also just about making ourselves more of an authority figure to develop some rapport with people so they won't question if we did something or not. Maybe because you probably give a generous and kind demeanor (like you did with taking off the detail fee), that people might not take you seriously.
When we have to deal with absent-minded people when we know what we did and how we showed proof to them, and then they still question it, it's frustrating, but at least you're a sensible woman that can stay on top of things.

But I'm sorry that you have to deal with people like that, really makes the working experience a drag sometimes.

^ And something wrong with people, both are probably true, that's usually the way it goes. I understand your frustration, social issues... oh well.

Rant: What has been said here about the heat... It's horrible in Lisbon right now, even my laptop has been crashing from overheating.

In such conditions and having to wake up at 05.00 am to go to work my chances to LD drop dramatically which sucks because the way things are going I know I would be in a hot streak if I was getting proper sleep. Shit.

Edit: I just came back here and realized, "hot streak"... right

"Oh come on, it'll look cool."
"You know exactly how bad I am at drawing. Trust me, my photo editing skills are MUCH worse."
"Oh please, just slap some gradients on it in the GIMP or something and call it a day."
"This will end terribly... I'm blaming you for all the collateral damage this will cause."
"Don't be a baby. Trust me on this one, it'll look 100% badass!"
"We'll see about that."
"Alright!"

Last time I take outside advice on what my Avatar should be. I need to work on my art skills...

EDIT: Sorry bro, I couldn't take it. Couldn't take the heat.

I got fired today. The reasoning was "performance" but I was given no indication that my performance was lagging. Allegedly, my boss had no idea this was going down.

I'm not terribly upset because I did have an interview scheduled for today already, which I nailed, but I do hate job hunting, and the test I have to do seems really difficult. I'll get cracking tomorrow on the job hunt though.

Ya, someone is going thru a power trip, i despise those who do it and think they are better than anyone else.

Originally Posted by tommo

Yes kids miss out on that really deep story line these days in cartoons. We were exposed to pretty traumatic shit in the 90's. The Lion King when Mufasa dies is probably one of my saddest memories, but these prepare you to deal with things in the real world too. Introduces you to new concepts.

Oakey Doke was another great one, always helping the kids out with their problems, some which have pretty extreme underlying depravity.

You don't really consciously understand the full impact of what's happening when you're a kid, but now everything is getting censored because some morons think kids are going to be traumatised by death or understand every drug or sex reference.

This. A thousand times this.

Listening to hardcore hip hop, especially militant rap, was one of the best things about my childhood. Drug abuse, sexual assaults, political corruption, family issues, abusive relationships, power struggles, etc. These songs touched on everything and then some, they took away the shock factor of various social nightmares and left me prepared for the "real world."



I remember first hearing this when I was like nine years old. It didn't "emotionally scar" me, it simply got me thinking. Hell, this short interlude hit me harder than any diluted "lesson" the teachers fed us when they talked about slavery in America.

I'd pop a tape into my little Walkman and by the time I was done listening to it from start to finish, I had learned something new. It didn't turn me into a criminal, it simply showed me that life was much harsher than my parents were letting on, and it made me want to do whatever I could to prepare myself for it. I've always felt that one of the worst things you can ever do to a child is to raise them as if they're living in some sort of fairy tale.

Originally Posted by AURON

I got text from my long time friend's sister saying my friend passed away. I met him in kindergarten....I still don't have the details of what happened. Both of their parents have already passed away (I went to their fathers funeral last year) and I feel so sorry for her, and the oldest brother.

Damn, man. Some families really have terrible luck. I know a family where pretty much everyone - the guy, his wife, his mum and dad, her dad, et al. have all gotten cancer.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

Yeah, when we're expressing more confidence along with our high state of being, people naturally find themselves drowning out by your high-spirits because there's a sense of rapport or harmony between the interaction. Because you're more assertive and thus create yourself into an authority figure that people can look up to, they'll find themselves mirroring your actions to where it seems like we're all going through this mental dance of seeing things eye to eye with others. The more we get into this dance, it's a matter of who can keep up the pace vs. who just sit and listens.

But when it comes to those people who are shy or are just more reserved than they usually are, being assertive to them often makes them feel intimidated, and if we want to relate to them, we would have to mirror the body language they have, the tonality that expresses reserved and occasionally depressive behavior. This way, we take ourselves off from having an authority status, so the person can see that you're someone they can relate to more because you give them this vibe, body language, and tonality similar to theirs. And this ironically is how we can go back into being an authority figure and relating to those people more.

This is good. I think I do this subconsciously. The latter thing. I've been working on being more confident and upbeat though as well, but I realise I go back in to "submissive" or "shy" mode when I'm talking to someone who is obviously that way.

I also love the mirroring body language thing, read about that a while ago and have noticed it more and more.

Just the other day I was reading that if a girl touches you on the arm or leg or whatever, it usually means she's indicating "he's mine" to all the other girls.
Of course it can vary depending on context etc. etc. but it is a good guideline. Anyway, and this girl from work (not the one I like) did that multiple times).

The girl I like has almost done it a couple of times and did once today. But I don't know whether it's indicative of anything yet.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

Wasn't trying to console you at all or even make you re-think the matter of something that shouldn't be much of a concern, if I wanted to do that, I would've done this....

Dw man, she's just irritable coz of no cigarettes.

Originally Posted by GavinGill

This. A thousand times this.

Listening to hardcore hip hop, especially militant rap, was one of the best things about my childhood. Drug abuse, sexual assaults, political corruption, family issues, abusive relationships, power struggles, etc. These songs touched on everything and then some, they took away the shock factor of various social nightmares and left me prepared to for the "real world."



I remember first hearing this when I was like nine years old. It didn't "emotionally scar" me, it simply got me thinking. Hell, this short interlude hit me harder than any diluted "lesson" the teachers fed us when they talked about slavery in America.

I'd pop a tape into my little Walkman and by the time I was done listening to it from start to finish, I had learned something new. It didn't turn me into a criminal, it simply showed me that life was much harsher than my parents were letting on, and it made me want to do whatever I could to prepare myself for it. I've always felt that one of the worst things you can ever do to a child is to raise them as if they're living in some sort of fairy tale.

Man, similar thing with "Stan". I remember coming across the music video when I was around that age, it changed my life.
Not just saying that either. First I got extremely depressed, but it was also incredibly enthralling, I must have listened to it 100 times at least that day and more the next weeks.
It just opened up a whole world I hadn't been exposed to at all. Dark as fuck, dealt with psychological issues etc.

Not sure if it taught me anything per se, at least not anything concrete, but it exposed me to that more fucked up sides of our psyche.
Tupac definitely taught me a lot about what you're talking about though, and I never would have listened to him if I never heard Stan.
I think this feeds in to what I have talked about sometimes, that we need telepathy to transfer the emotions of experiences, so it's not just almost meaningless words.
Music can do that.
Oh... by Stan I mean the Eminem song, in case that wasn't obvious.


RANT:!!!!! EWFWEUFSEVUCUCUUUUUU
So, the nicotine for the e-cig probably won't come until next week, coz of stupid paypal and pre-paid credit card bullshit problems, and I've basically run out, just vaping like .5% nicotine here, which does nothing at all.
So.... looks like I'm gonna be withdrawing this week as well. Although it won't be anywhere near as bad as normal cigs. And fuck going back to those.

I'm not even sure whether I feel like shit due to the nicotine withdrawal or it's just how I always am. I'm not getting as irritated anymore as I was the last couple days. Yesterday I felt relatively good. But today I'm just depressed and getting irritated with no one but myself. I'm still craving a cigarette.. it would feel so good to have one.. but I'm so sure that I'm not going to it's like my mind has given up on trying to tempt me with thoughts about it anymore and I just feel helpless. My muscles in my arms and legs have been hurting since I woke up and I've had a headache. I don't know whether that's even supposed to be a symptom and fear that maybe I'm actually getting sick on top of all of this. I know that one trick the mind plays on you is making you believe pains or moods are due to the withdrawal when really they would probably have happened anyway, and I don't want to that to happen so I'm trying my best to distinguish withdrawal symptoms from just feeling bad in ways I used to anyway.

I've been thinking a lot about addiction and realize I get addicted to things very easily, more easily than anyone I've met from what I can tell. If something alters my mind even a little in a positive way, I'm going to want it badly, and if it's available I'll keep having more until I've reached some height. I always feel that when I have alcohol or anything. If I'm with a group of people, it seems everyone else is fine with having one or two drinks, while I'll go to just about any lengths possible to get drunk, and if I can't I'll get depressed. Right now I'm even addicted to melatonin on a psychological level, even though it does little more than make me feel tired. I've been taking over 12 mg a day for months now. I just can't understand how anyone can not be like that. The feeling of excitement and freedom after taking something and knowing it's going to wear in soon, that all my stresses may go away while I enjoy the ride and I'll have nothing to worry about. It's like I feel like I'm being given permission to relax, while if I'm not on any substance everything is just boring and stressful.

I've also been realizing how much I irritate myself, all the time, only it's exaggerated now. My thoughts and personality. I feel like none of it is really me. Like I created a character who I became, and I only show a tiny bit of myself, which is mixed with lies as I convey thoughts that I'm not really having and ignore important ones that I am. I hate how I overanalyze everything and end up typing so much to explain something simple. I've been switching between that and anger at other people for being idiots and analyzing nothing. I feel like I want to be diagnosed with something, something about my brain which would explain everything. Because that would be like a drug in a way that I'd never have to take. The knowledge that there was some explanation for why I was different, that there was something in my brain that was peculiar, would make me feel it wasn't my responsibility anymore, that I didn't have to change because it's just the way I am.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just pissed off at myself, even for writing this, for saying I was going to write two little paragraphs and it turning into more like usual. And for being mean and acting immature. And I'm stressed as fuck about having to get a job soon now that I've quit smoking. I don't want to have to apply to places and go through interviews... it's just so terrifying and I feel like that's something no one understands either. I may tell someone I'm afraid because of the social situation but I get the feeling no one really understands how bad it is. It isn't just a little scary thing I have to get through, it's like a nightmare. The feeling of being in high school and feeling like everyone is looking at me because I'm walking wrong or something. I mean I will have to do it, and I'll make myself do it, but I wish it wasn't so bad. To be honest I'll probably end up procrastinating and finally applying for jobs once my parents start yelling at me or something.