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I tried to sleep and successfully did for what I'd estimate to be about 10 seconds before I was called to dinner. I've gotten 2 hours of sleep in the last 37 hours, and 7 hours of sleep in the last 60 hours.
I feel so tired I feel drunk. I'm also a bit drunk. But it's so confused with the tiredness that I don't know the difference. Time to sleep now.
UGdgenennnnn..... :'(
I just thought I saw my ex at the shopping centre. I was handing out resumes (well, trying to, every just said apply online or no jobs available) and suddenly just saw this asian girl at one of those phone case shops and fuuuuu.... I swear she was basically a carbon copy, except she had slightly brown hair, probably dyed though, so still could have been her.
I walked around the complex 3 or 4 times to see if it was her.... lol
I'm still not sure if it was, but I felt like shit after that so I really just had to leave and couldn't get the energy up to go to more shops.
Then I was on the verge of crying for a couple of hours after that.
I don't think I'm ever going to forgive my stupidity, it's been years and I still fucking hate myself every time I think about it.
Whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost is a complete moron.
Can someone invent time machines already? Or cloning?
You could have went to her and asked if she is who you think she is...trust me asians are prone to have identical looks to certain other asians.Quote:
Originally Posted by tommo
The other guy's a punk-bitch. I know, I've seen him. Dude's a rhube. And his peepee is small.Quote:
Originally Posted by ZeraCook
You on the other hand? You'se a classy ass mothafucka, na'msayin, ?? foe real doe. nahmeeen, dawgz? yall gots da juice
Seriously, if he's spending all night talking to her on the phone and doing corny shit like posting hearts on her Facebook wall... She knows she "has him." He's no longer a challenge, meaning he's lost any and all novelty he might have had - she's going to get bored.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GavinGill
Hell Yeah I do, Made my night to see this. Plus she came over after working a double shift, stayed for four hours, just left has work again in six hours. Something to this whole not trying to hard thing.
@Dianeva - The emotions thing happens to me too, but if I do focus on them for even a second it is pretty bad. If I'm focusing on what I need to get done, all emotions are kind of temporarily suspended and I can hold them off until later. I haven't taken the aspergers test but a few people thought I have it. I know I don't, I just don't like people and I'm not the most tactful/emotional/eloquent person in the world. :roll:
Complain: Surprise! Chemistry lab starts next week. I checked about thirty times to make sure everything was ok with my summer schedule but my lab is in the first half and my lecture is in the second. I guess that could be good, less stress overall, but it also means I don't have the background lecture provides. Not to mention it screws up potential summer plans.
On the flip side I bought the Mass Effect trilogy and just started the second. So far it is amazing, money well spent. I wish I was better at console FPS though, but I guess I'm decent considering I didn't have any gaming platform except the PC when I was a kid, and only really started playing with the Xbox some a few months ago.
Have you made a move yet? Like, kissed her at least?Quote:
Originally Posted by ZeraCook
My brother got the trilogy for ps3 and I've been playing them all in order and I'm also on the second one! Mass effect is definitely one of my favorite games now.Quote:
Originally Posted by NewArtemis
The thing is we use to fuck but we fought and stopped hanging out for awhile. THen it was kind of awkward at first when we started talking again and seeing each other, but yea I need to make a move, weve been hang in out for almost two weeks now, so I need to today really.Quote:
Originally Posted by GavinGill
My right jaw is killing me all day !!!!! Feels like someone punched my jaw...which wasn't the case!
Complaining:
Same old shit...
It's finally the weekend. Although I look forward to sleeping in, I am a little bit disappointed in myself that my weekend pastime of choice is to do things around the house like fiddle with my car or sit in front of the computer. I wish I had something else to do. I know other people get drunk and seem to have a grand old time but I don't have that option. Actually I don't really have the option to do anything socially cause I have no friends and few acquaintances.
When I'm working I wish that I was sitting here, when I'm sitting here I'm wishing that I was doing something else--I don't even know what.
Well tonight was pretty shit. Fucked a bunch of things up. Have an appointment on Friday. Great times.
Mix of good and bad. Mainly bad but there's some good in there still. I am alive, I'm fed, I'm watered, I still have my relationship and I have a brilliant and marvellous friend. I am glad for all these things.
Went to the doctor, got me some meds for my anxiety attacks. Low dose and will be used sparingly though, emergencies only.
Search up "How to neck kiss" on Youtube or whatever and she's all yours.Quote:
Originally Posted by ZeraCook
Get a hobby?Quote:
Originally Posted by SpaceCowboyDave
I was thinking about it. That would have been okay if she wasn't. But what if she was!??? "Hey are you (name)?"Quote:
Originally Posted by hathor28
I mean you would feel like shit if your ex didn't even recognise you.
I should have went and pretended to look at the phone cases though so I could get a closer look. Maybe next time.
You should join some sort of group, I'm definitely doing this once I get on my feet. Just look up groups in your area for anything you're interested in.Quote:
Originally Posted by SpaceCowboyDave
Totally read this as "made a movie". Had to read it three times lolQuote:
Originally Posted by GavinGill
Be careful brother. Is it Xanax? That shit feels way too good. Just, be careful with it.Quote:
Originally Posted by GavinGill
Just a warning, this is going to be a long post. Read at your own risk.
We're back from the vacation now. Talk about a roller coaster. It started out on a rocky note, my dad and I have been hostile towards each other lately. He's heavily involved in the family matter I mentioned before I left, and things got a little heated as we first got on the road, but we got into the vacation mood quickly. It helped that we had access to weed for basically all of the trip, and we got a little ridiculous with it. That colored my experience very oddly and for the first couple of days I had the incredibly weird sensation that I was hanging out with just a couple druggie friends rather than my family. This included strange settings like smoking with my parents while trying to hide it from my grandparents, while driving directly behind them. It also messed with my head a LOT as we were visiting lots of different places, the only one of which I will mention here being Las Vegas, that had special meaning to me based on them being significant places in my childhood. The thing about that is that it's easier for me to get sucked into anxious or depressed mindsets in those environments if I'm not careful, and I really wasn't this time. I found myself trying to find things I could commit suicide with in a casino hotel room just because I'd gone a day without smoking and tons of negative thoughts were piling up on me, and once I finally did I was super euphoric and giggling. I was happy to get out of there, I've been going to Vegas somewhat frequently for my entire life and it always has a very odd effect on my state of mind. The thing about it that definitely stood out as a plus though was that we got to see the Cirque du Soleil show LOVE, about The Beatles and using remixes of their music, which was awesome. That was the last thing we did there and it definitely helped improve my overall recollection of it.
The next thing we did was go to see old family friends, specifically my parents' high school friends, and we ended up smoking, drinking, and snacking all night. This was the first time I got to see my parents' old friends in this light, and it further strengthened that image of how I saw them before because now they were acting exactly just like other druggie friends because their whole friend group grew up as a bunch of hippies and being around each other brought those sides out of them again. I got to become much closer to them, too. That was my favorite part of the trip by far. After that we just went to visit more family for a few days. That was fun too but I was feeling another wave of anxiety building up through all of this. I was really starting to lose it. The other side of my enhanced emotional states was the fact that I kept having really trippy experiences while smoking and was heavily assessing different aspects of my life. A significant topic of thought was that I see the world through a veil and I don't know what to do about it because just realizing it doesn't seem to be enough to change it. I first really began to notice this probably within the last year or so, because I started getting this odd effect where, just very rarely, when I would smoke weed and get really high and then eventually start coming down, I would temporarily become what feels sort of like "extra sober" where in addition to the high disappearing it's also like that fog that's naturally clouding perception starts to clear as well. What it basically feels like is that my mind normally filters all of these details about anything I see and then applies new meanings to them based on my own experiences, perceptions, anxieties, and etc., and this rips that away and shows me how things really are. All of my emotions are normally heavily exaggerated and this sort of tones that down. The easiest example I could give would be that I normally have this sort of perception that anyone whose physical appearance I envy immediately looks like the absolute peak of perfection to me, but in this state of mind I can suddenly see their flaws, but not in a negative way. Just things that make them uniquely imperfect, like I'm actually seeing them clearly for the first time. I always recognize immediately when this happens and yet I can never fully hold on to it, but I'm really trying to....
Anyway, I thought through all that at just about the time we left that family. The rest of the trip I'm not going to go very far into, but we actually had to deal with border patrol. A drug-sniffing dog tagged our car and found the weed, and that was a whole ordeal but eventually we got to go with just a ticket. That was no fun at all, and really wore me out. The only silver lining in it was that it forced us to stop in this little town out in the middle of nowhere where we went to an antique store and I found and purchased a set of a giant, perfectly melee weapon-sized wooden spoon and fork each carved with a cool staff design, to add to my real life RPG inventory for when I need to dual wield. It took us a little longer to get than expected because of that, but we finally made it, and I ended off the trip with an argument with my dad just to bring things full circle. Now I'm just exhausted and I'm going to be busy all weekend too.
So like I said, the trip was all over the place, but one good constant improvement that did come out of it was the research. For whatever reason, on this trip I researched stuff like there was no tomorrow. The long car rides definitely contributed. It started out with just random shots in the dark about near-death experiences, but then it progressed through several topics and eventually ended up on oxytocin. I really like this subject because the more I look into it the more I feel I can draw connections between sex and dreams. First, let me explain a little of the thinking I already had going on that led up to this. For a while I've been curious if the nucleus accumbens plays a very important role in the way that dreams are influenced by our thoughts. It's hyperactive in the dream state and has also been linked to schizophrenic psychosis. Interestingly, schizophrenia with well-formed hallucinations often involves having things like your paranoia spread into reality just like how a nightmare is influenced by your fear. What mainly draws me to it is that higher dopaminergic activity in the nucleus accumbens has been linked to lowered latent inhibition, which is involved in normally filtering out different variables in your perception. Having extremely low latent inhibition I think could theoretically be responsible for some of the internally-generated sensations of your mind that comprise your imagination spilling over into your reality. The dopaminergic areas of the nucleus accumbens are also activated by the hippocampus, which is known to be critically involved in the generation of hallucinations. What I find really interesting is that the prefrontal cortex is actually employed as a regulator of nucleus accumbens dopamine release, with it being facilitated by lower levels of prefrontal glutamate. Glutamate receptors in the prefrontal cortex also play very important roles in the effects of hallucinogens, with NMDA receptors being blocked by dissociatives and mGluR2 receptors being blocked by psychedelics by way of negatively-correlated complexes with 5-HT2A receptors. Cannabinoids actually block both by directly inhibiting glutamate release through CB1 receptors, which is likely part of why they exhibit both psychedelic and dissociative properties.
Now back to the oxytocin, what had mainly been keeping my interested here was how it might be linked to tantric sex and kundalini practices. Everything I've read suggests that unlocking your sexual energy like that mainly leads to intensely orgasmic states, as in feeling exactly like an orgasm but much stronger, where sensations such as ego death can be achieved. After reading a bunch of accounts of it they all reflect experiences that people go through on psychedelics quite well, things like uniting with a universal consciousness. Effects such as these from hallucinogens are thought to be mediated by the prefrontal cortex, and it makes sense because these are the kinds of effects that very high doses of cannabinoids can have as well. What totally blew my mind earlier today was reading a study suggesting that oxytocin lowers glutamate levels in the prefrontal cortex in a manner dependent on presynaptic CB1 receptors. If that's true it could mean that those kundalini practices are a genuinely psychedelic endogenous experience. Of course, I could have told you that just from the descriptions of its effects, but I mean genuinely as in a works exactly the same way kind of meaning. That's just too cool to me. But what gets me even more is taking it a step further. A difference between oxytocin and cannabinoids is that widespread CB1 activation also lowers GABA levels, but oxytocin only uses CB1's antiglutamatergic properties; it actually increases GABA levels itself. The best part though is that this applies specifically to the medial prefrontal cortex, the more emotional part of it, which is also thought to be involved in social activity. It's thought that this CB1 receptor mechanism plays a role in oxytocin's pro-social effects by way of lowering anxiety, and by releasing GABA it also lowers inhibitions in addition to that. Lastly, having more oxytocin also further increases your emotion responses to things, and it's likely that this is linked to the way that it's activating the nucleus accumbens.
So this is where it leaves me. Oxytocin makes you more carefree and confident, it possibly has psychedelic effects, and it's linked with being social. So what's the connection? Well, chew on this: oxytocin levels are known to rise with the intensity of a REM phase over the course of the night, and they're also known to be high in NREM stage 2. These two phases are the two that are generally associated with dreams, and there are theories implicating the social centers of the brain in developing the complex interactions the mind creates for us in dreams. Given that the medial prefrontal cortex is also often more active in dreams than while awake, as opposed to the dorsal one which is much less active, I can't help but wonder then if oxytocin isn't actually playing a major role in the massive amounts of freedom and euphoria we feel in lucid dreams, and possibly even in generating the dream control we use. Wouldn't that be something?
Anyway, I'm not sure if I've actually covered everything I wanted to or not in this post, but it's late and I'm sort of starting to lose focus. I have to get up early tomorrow too and I'm already pushing it, so I should probably end it for now. I'm going to try to catch on stuff posted here too, hopefully some time tomorrow night. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day!
That's it for me. Goodnight, DV. :offtobed:
Well, you just possible explained why LLI can cause people to go insane, which I was discussing a couple of pages back.
Cool.
Welcome back, Aly! :D
Glad you're not in jail for the weed!
I feel better now, after all day in bed and took tylenol i slept asap, had many dreams about my dream guy, usually thinking of him helped the pain lesson but still needed tylenol. Too bad i couldn't remember em, damn medicines mess up my recall.
I blame this sudden pain to quick weather changes, it was blazing hot that day, then harsh winds form, and i see by tomorrow it's back to normal warm spring weather! it was near 40*C and tomorrow it will be 19? Stupid weather!
^ Wow, talk about sudden weather changes!! The other night I was walking my dog - we had only gone a little ways and the night was peaceful and pleasant, when the wind began to pick up FAST! I mean within like 20 seconds the trees were whipping all over and bending way down, so much that I thought it might be a tornado. Even my dog was freaking out about it, looking around like WTF??!! Then out of nowhere huge raindrops were pelting us hard - I've never seen rain hit so hard and so suddenly - it was serious flash flood shit! We turned and ran all the way back home as fast as we could.
And in related weather - even for a few days before that, it's been storming way too much. Mostly off in the distance, but my dog freaks out when there's thunder and stands right beside my bed (if I'm trying to sleep) demanding that I comfort and pet her the whole time. And the thunder has been weird - long rolling peals that go on and on impossibly long - like a couple of minutes each. What the hell??!! The combination of endless thunder and nervous dog has cut into my sleep pretty bad lately. I'm ready for storm season to be OVER!!
Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall but if I express this feeling I'll cause another argument and I don't want that so I don't really know what to do. :(
What was worse is the pain started at the start of the day, felt like my right jaw was hit by a brick, hard. My jaw and ear was all fucked up i thought i was getting an ear infection or something, but now my jaw is like swollen in the gums area inside my mouth which is going to take a few days to recover.Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkmatters
I was so fucked up yesterday, my 3yr old cried because i was in my room all day, which i don't do often, she's too used to me being around.
I hate all the booze in my house. Can't buy dome for two more years. Started drinking a lot more than previously (Not that much because of first sentance) I don't think anyone will buy me booze - Not sure what to do in this situation as I like the calming effect.
^ Exercise. A strenuous workout releases "happy chemicals" in the brain.
*scrolls back through pages*Quote:
Originally Posted by tommo
Huh, so you were. Great minds think alike, I guess. :P
Latent inhibition is one of the subjects I really like more than others because it's something you can fairly easily measure yourself if you know what to look for. The first time I ever read what it was, I took a bong hit of a synthetic cannabinoid immediately afterward. It was a bigger one than I anticipated, and less than a minute later my perception of the space around me was already becoming much wider and deeper, and colors were getting almost sickeningly vibrant and I was starting to get overloaded by everything because I was taking in so much detail at once. I just thought, oh look... there it is lol.
Thanks! :content: I am too. :rolleyes: All things considered it could have been a lot worse. They actually seemed like they really didn't care about drug charges, like they didn't really want to have to give us anything. And I think that shows through pretty well in the fact that they took the weed but left the pipes that were sitting right next to it, and then only wrote us a ticket for paraphernalia without mentioning the weed in the report. >.> Obviously that weed went somewhere....Quote:
Originally Posted by tommo
I still am inclined to hate any officers of the law, but you can have a little more respect for them when they're clearly only in it to stop actual criminals. But they still took the rest of our supply for the drive home, so it's still only so much. :roll:
-----
So, recently I've been trying to talk to people who have gotten over smoking weed before. The thing about weed is that it's not as physically or emotionally difficult to get over as other drugs I've stopped using before, but none of those other drugs were so heavily integrated into my life as weed is. I just feel lost when I stop smoking, and I just end up trying to do all the same stuff I was already doing except without the weed, which makes it pretty difficult to not think about it. So I asked people, what do they do to move on? The first answer was basic enough and expected: find new hobbies. But what they also said which I didn't quite think about was to completely stop doing anything that you've done enough while high to start associating them in your mind. Just picking up new habits isn't enough, you have to drop the old ones too. Another thing they said is to think back to before you started smoking and think if there's anything you liked then that you pretty much stopped doing once you started smoking, but that you could still probably get into again if you picked it back up. Makes enough sense....
One thing I used to do a lot before I started smoking is read manga. I watched anime a lot too, but I also did that while smoking. Obviously they're sort of linked anyway, but I think I could get back into reading manga again before working my way back up to anime. I picked up the first three volumes of The Disappearance of Nagato Yuki-chan while we were on vacation and read through them when we weren't smoking and loved it, so that's definitely helped kick-start my interest again. I think it would be cool to start building up my collection again and maybe start going to conventions and the like. That's something that always interested me before smoking too but I never got around to it, but I definitely could now. I'm worked up enough about this series and looking into others now that I think I really should latch on to this and see where it takes me. Maybe it'll help me get back into others things, too.
Actually, I think I might go buy some manga right now. I need to see what all I've missed out on since before. >.>
It's interesting that happened to you, because I seem to remember my brother having a very similar experience. Last year him and some friends were smoking out in a park somewhere, and after a cop noticed them he just took their weed and let them off with a warning. No ticket, no nothing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyzarin
Maybe the police force is starting to take notice of how smoking marijuana isn't really looked down upon as a crime as much these days. Or maybe there are just more smokers in the police force. Weird, eh?
And about the manga; if you can find it, you should definitely read Mushi-shi. It's a masterpiece! You might have to dig around a little at some used book stores or something, though.