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Whelp, I think I am officially in love after six months of friendship and four weeks of dating. It's simply the only conclusion I can draw from the fact that I just spent the last 40 minutes creating a playlist on my phone called "Romantic mood music". I am deeply disturbed. I also may have too much free time on my hands.
Forgive me for being mean, I feel terrible right now. For mother's day we went to a restaurant with all of my family members and it didn't go well. I came close to calling my aunt a bitch to her face, but luckily only my immediate family heard what I said. I thought that perhaps, after not seeing them for over half a year, they'd want to talk to me and be nice to me. But no, they spoke to me less than they did before. They all fucking hate my mom, my brother and me. It's so fucking sickening. They treat us like shit. And I wanted to say something, I was so close to confronting her but I controlled myself. She made us sit in the place where we couldn't really talk to anyone. She ordered all the food without even asking our family what we wanted. She made me move over even farther so that my cousin, the one person I actually don't mind out of everyone there, could sit with her family on the opposite end of the long table. Not one person talked to me but my immediate family and my grandmother. I feel like typing more but I've been in misery for too long and need to stop soon. I've been able to do this at will lately, but haven't exercised it in days. (btw I wrote this paragraph after what's in the spoiler)
Spoiler for issue from a while ago:
I fell down the stairs of my apartment building and hurt my leg pretty bad. That's what I get for trying to dash down the steps while drinking a cup of tea and talking on the phone at the same time... :roll:
I can be so absent-minded at times. Like some days I'll be sitting on the bus and get so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I'll miss my stop by around half an hour. While having the ability to relax and chill out can often be a good thing, I really need to become more focused as a person.
On an similar note, I've noiced that I often times feel the best right after something terrible has happened. With my OCD I tend to worry about tiny things wayyyy more than I "should", and end up creating elaborate scenarios in my head about all of the awful things that could happen if I mess something up, but if something does go wrong the result is always far less terrible than what I expected would happen. This leaves me in a dream-like "oh, that really wasn't so bad after all" state, which really feels quite good. I know it sounds weird, but it happens all of the time.
...where was I going with this? I forget. Ah well.
Also I got a paper cut. :eh:
Dinavera - :clairity: I understood what you meant but I feel if someone tells me I'll be alright I feel a little better. I feel better when I'm told that at some point I will be okay rather than having people tell me I'll cope and manage. That just makes me mad.
I have slept for an hour last night. A single, fucking, hour. I am exhausted. Yet can't sleep. :insomnia:
My day, was absolutely shit. Started feeling like I was drifting away from my body a few times from exhaustion and having to type all school work is really starting to take it's toll on my eyes.
In other news I've finally started to get through to people. I think they're understanding that exams may be important but if they keep ignoring me I'll be lost from them so I have a feeling things may start getting better from here... *fingers crossed*
Being a writer kind of sucks. I'm not talking about writing as a hobby, I'm talking about making a living at it. It requires so much obsession, so much sacrifice. The only reason I'm hitting the road is so I can minimize my living expenses and devote more time to writing, as well as accrue experiences to write about. (Also because I'm fed up with society).
I never have a response when people ask me what I've been up to lately. I don't know what to tell them. It seems like the correct response is "I've been really busy with work/school" but that sounds like a shitty response. What do I do? I write, I hang out, I work like 20 hours a week and I study independently. But the specific news eludes me when people ask the question. Like I don't care to have people pry. I understand why they do it, sort of, though to be honest I don't do it in return. Rather, I tend to go straight for in depth conversation. And sometimes I think "God I'm a weird person." But then I remember seeing documentaries on H.P. Lovecraft and Charles Bukowski and I remember it's okay to be a little different, if that's who you are. Sometimes I remind myself of a fellow poet in town, and it helps justify to myself my own quirks since he's the one most likely to actually become famous. Not because he's better than anybody else, but because he has no choice. I suppose I don't, either. Another friend of mine, who's also really good, has a good job, girlfriend, apartment, the works. Granted I had all that once, too, and lost it. Maybe he'll lose it too. If he doesn't, I don't see him getting very far. It can't be a hobby, you know? But if you can avoid it, if you do have a choice, then you shouldn't do it. It's not an easy life. But passion's got me bent out of choice. Not recognition that I'm a particularly good writer, nothing like that. I recognize only that to escape suffering I must say, in this life time, what I entered this life time to say.
Ah yes, I forgot about those lol. I've heard the plastics thing before too. Interesting stuff....Quote:
Originally Posted by tommo
That is a really long time. :wtf: Good luck though! Just try to make yourself comfortable. If you're there for long enough then it could kind of desensitize you to it by the time you leave.Quote:
Originally Posted by tommo
-----
I have a minor rant....
Subway is one of my true guilty pleasures. It really is. There honestly aren't even a lot of different sandwiches there that I've tried that I like, in fact most of them have really only been eh to me. The only things they have that I like across the board are the cookies. But that's not why I love it so much. It's the most basic sandwich setup ever... wheat bread, turkey, and lots of mayonnaise. I mean lots of it. So much that it looks a little disgusting. It's really bizarre because there's nothing else I even enjoy mayonnaise on. Literally, nothing... but on this sandwich, it kicks ass. But it needs to be a ton. People don't understand this when I tell them, but just being able to taste it well isn't enough. People think of mayonnaise as a condiment, so they're not able to grasp the concept right off the bat. That's not what this sandwich is to me. The turkey is the condiment. The mayonnaise is the main course. There needs to be so much mayonnaise that there are globs of it dripping out of the sides of sandwich with every bite.
Yes, it's terrible. But I only have Subway once every few months generally, to minimize hating myself afterwards. Hence the name "guilty pleasure". So today my dad offered to go get sandwiches for me and him for dinner, so I said sure, I could eat. He went to Subway and got me a sandwich and I checked it when he got home... like a single line of mayonnaise, maybe. I've been getting my sandwiches this way for the majority of my Subway-going life, and it was almost always him going to get the food until I got a car, and he still doesn't get it. :shakehead2: The sandwich doesn't even really taste very good to me with just a regular amount on it....
I don't blame him, or anyone else, for not ever getting it right. People just don't understand my extreme views on mayonnaise. But I was expecting to have my craving sated and instead only got teased. This is going to have to be made right at some point....
I came here to post how I got rejected by an agent today. It feels like I was cut in half and every nerve was slit open and salted over and over. It hurts constantly, and I cannot stop wanting more with it. I work professionally as a writer too, but it's a desk job in addition to my fiction writing. I don't think I can stop until I get something published beyond short stories and articles.Quote:
Originally Posted by Original Poster
Yeah rejection is a seriously shitty feeling. It hurts less over time, you build up a tolerance, but honestly after my first rejection I didn't write again for months, I was so put off. And it's worn me down to the point where I haven't submitted much at all lately. I've been going to poetry readings around town lately and trying my stuff out there. I get a lot more support and it's been a really nice ego boost. Granted, you kind of have to focus more on the good responses than, say, the feeling that people didn't clap very much after your piece.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiresias
I also get sort of... what's the word? Reactionary. I turn my nose up at most publications because I've gotten rejected by them, and therefore think everything they put out is total shit. This does not help my ability to get published because, well, I can't exactly ascertain what sort of thing they'd like if I'm too obstinate to continue reading them. It's not like my writing is that good anyways. I just think it's better than a lot of the shit that does get published and that's the hardest thing about it. How could you let those amateurs in but ignore me?
I haven't posted much over the last week so here's some random stuff.
Spoiler for smoking rant:
Spoiler for Aging:
Spoiler for Ex bf rant:
Dianeva--ignore your ex. By feeding into his attention-seeking, you are enabling him in his misery. You both need to move on.
Regarding cigarettes: there are better highs which don't cause lung cancer and addiction. But I won't advertise them here.
Regarding aging: Life moves slower if you have more to do. These past 5 years have been the longest and busiest of my life.
Dianeva - he's emotionally blackmailing you, which is totally unfair to you and to him both. Once you fully understand how childish and insecure it is on his part it'll really piss you off and you'll have no trouble brushing him off like the piece of dirt he's being. He's totally giving in to the screwed up emotions inside himself, building them up to intensities they don't need to be at (and probably pretending like they're even worse than they are for dramatic effect), and blasting you with them, trying to screw up both of your lives. What a d@#$!!
When it comes to exes, i don't give them the time of day, because most of the time when i leave an ex, it's because they let it happen and really didn't care about me or what was going on with us.
So, I know I'm starting to sound like the boy who cried wolf, or girl--whatever--but I left again. Surprise. No, I knew it would happen again and I didn't return the first time under any illusion that anything had truly changed, but I was pregnant and stressed and wanted to be in my home.
The details of what exactly happened aren't much different than the last million times. We fight over something, we don't communicate effectively, he turns into the incredible hulk, and I grab the kids and run. We both have had enough of that. We both know that this cycle will continue if we don't change anything, so it looks as though he is actually letting me leave peacefully and he's joining the military to "provide" for us. I don't know if he's really thought this through, but whatever. I'm at my sister's and have an application sitting beside me, all filled out to turn in tomorrow. After I save up enough, I will be moving into an apartment with my two boys just minutes away from my family--the only form of support I have (besides you lovely folks).
I'm happy that my family hasn't kicked me out on my ass for not listening to them the first time, but they're forgiving and understanding and I can't wait for the day I get to return the favor. I haven't even cried about this ordeal. I didn't even hesitate when it all went down. I grabbed the phone and called my parents to come down and help me get out. I just knew it had to be done finally.
I'm sure I'll have my doubts later, but I will stick to my guns this time. I will, I will, I will.
Anyway... hopefully I get this job and it looks like I'll have to take two summer classes and two more in the fall and then I'll have my degree. Didn't really want to do the summer thing, but now that I'm going to be working, I can't go full time.
My issue right now is that the summer classes are going to be more condensed than your usual full semester course... so here are my options:
Cultural Anthropology (3hrs) Online
Environmental Biology (3hrs) Online
Advanced Computer Applications (3hrs) Online
Elementary Statistics (3hrs) Online
I have to enroll in at least two for my grant to cover it, but I cannot decide which of these will be the least difficult to keep up with. Any suggestions or thoughts on these choices?
That's my rant... and I'm going to bed now. My 5 month old has an appointment with a baby chiropractor tomorrow to help his tummy. Apparently this guy is magical because he claims he can cure colic. So far his method seems to work for many people. My baby isn't colicy, but he has tummy issues and this guy says he can help, so.. yea... and my mom and sister have been INSISTING for weeks. I really hope it works and that it all goes well...
That's what I'm talking about, you are a strong, independent, Kansas woman, who don't need no man. Mmmhm, preach it girl, PREACH IT.Quote:
Originally Posted by Suena
Oh.... :S Sorry....Quote:
Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker
I'm glad your friend may be coming around and taking their heads out of their asses though.
I get this as well. I'm terrible with nerves and anxiousness, but when something bad happens I'm like an untouchable Zen master, everyone else flips the fuck out and I'm just wondering why they're all so hysteric, it's not that bad. I probably should be a firefighter or in the army or something lolQuote:
Originally Posted by SnowyCat
But then "You have to do something semi-formal and semi-serious" KILLL MEEEE NOW!!!!!!!
First, congrats on finally leaving. I'm proud of you :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Suena
Second, I would say Environmental Biology and Elementary Statistics. They will give you well-rounded knowledge and statistics will be helpful in general life (more than you could imagine now).
Computer one sounds fairly complicated since it's advanced, and cultural anthropology is one of those useless studies which are useless, but is probably still interesting if you're in to that.
Third, please please PLEASE don't take your kid (or anyone) to a goddamn chiropractor! They are on par with homeopaths and power bracelet salesmen, except actually physically harmful.Quote:
Originally Posted by Suena
Seriously they are useless, they do nothing whatsoever except crack a few joints and they have paralysed people doing this neck adjustment bullshit http://whatstheharm.net/chiropractic.html
No, it's not you guys. It's when I tell my friends I'm not coping and can't do this and they used to reply with 'you're the strongest person I know, you'll do this. You can manage this, you're Katie!' And I just felt like slapping them sometimes because if I really COULD manage surely I wouldn't tell them I couldn't? But anyway. Thanks to all you guys. Much love. :thanks:Quote:
Originally Posted by tommo
Yes, I am glad I've both finally managed to realize exactly what I need them to do, managed to tell this to them in words of one syllabol (Can't spell that word :roll: ) So I think... that might be assisting.
My god im a terrible friend. No wonder im so alone. For someone who feels the need to be around people I really suck at it.
Why am I such a jealous person? How do I get rid of it all?
If you're just joking around, I'd appreciate it if you keep that judgmental preachy look off your face.
I have been physically and emotionally abused by both of my parents (mostly my dad) to the point where I have commonly recurrent nightmares about family members attacking me (my dad commonly gave me death threats), but someone finally found out about it and recently called CPS anonymously. Then, an investigation began and of course a social worker interviewed the children. I covered and stated that nothing at all was wrong. The woman recommended a psychologist and we were off. About a month later, my dad wants to talk to me about something. I am writing and tell him that I am busy. He follows me around the house and pushes me. He pins me down. He won't let me go, and I am getting blood on the carpet, so I reach for a pair of scissors. I stab him in the hand with them; just enough for me to get away. I grab my writing and books and leave as quickly as I can. He chases me, but I get away. I had done this before; I just leave through the front door after they might get angry. I go to the library, but it is closed, so I sit on the steps for two hours. I just write.
I come back, and confront my dad about it. I shove him, and he says that I am 'a danger to myself and the household.' A fight breaks out, and I again huddle by the door. I run down the street when he comes near the door, and he hits the nearest person to him; my brother. He yells at me to 'come and get some,' and he is bragging about how he hit him with a 'closed-fucking-fist!' I naturally run away again. I grab a stone near me to defend myself if he comes after me, and I run away. A while later, I come back to find my dad sitting on my front steps. He casually mentions that the cops would be there soon to bring to a psych ward. Are you kidding me? I drop the stone on the ground in defeat, and I wait for the police. They begin to talk and once again I cover for him. I don't tell them the real reason of the fight, and I don't tell them why I cut my dad. (I didn't even mean to break his skin in the first place.) I just made up something about him taking away my video games. So there I am, looking like a sociopath (exactly the position he wanted me in) in front of the police. Of course, I was the bad guy, and I was given lectures about respect, property, and many rhetorical and obvious questions like 'Do you want to go to jail for the rest of your life?' as if that was actually a possibility in this case. I was just aching to blurt out how wrong they were, but I suppressed it. Once again, I covered for my parents, and I get bullshit about my "psychological health," get interrogated with police swearing at me (yes), and when I get right back in the house, what do you think happened? Luckily, I evaded being put in an asylum for the night, but my parents still obsess over imaginary mental illness. He began to notice that I don't care about him, and equated that with a lack of empathy. He literally said this to me. I know many say that disliking your parents is an adolescent phase, but I don't think I'll ever be able trust or love my parents.
Side rant: I hate it when people are dicks to each other over the internet by default. It is so annoying. This is a problem especially on Reddit because of the herd-mentality, but I don't think I have ever met a person on DreamViews who was just blatantly rude.
Jeez, man. Why didn't you tell the cops the truth? Or CPS? Your parents are fucking scum, fact. They are not really your parents, just useless scum whose house you grew up in.
Get rid of them ASAP or you probably will have mental issues eventually.
Also yeah reddit is full of dicks, as soon as a subreddit gets over about 15000 members it turns to shit too.
Comparitively mini-rant: I'm feeling pretty nervous about this interview :S
Fuck I hate anxiety, makes me want to retreat in to a dark cave of warmth and comfort, but I can't.
I'm very sorry for what you had to go through with your father, and I also hate the idea of how people think that way with children/teenagers disliking their parents being part of a "rebellious" phase. At least from childhood, compared to how America is with punishment and scolding, where I was born, relatives and family members definitely weren't scared to even get their children to face the wall and get whipped (even though it wasn't full out whipping, for the age of 4-5, it was pretty harsh having something so rough graze on your skin).Quote:
I know many say that disliking your parents is an adolescent phase, but I don't think I'll ever be able trust or love my parents.
This is why I usually grind my teeth when people presume I dislike my father for childish reasons, but I don't really want to tell them the things he would do to anyone dear to him and me. I probably can't even remember 90% of them because they just need to be closed into my mind.
I know he's your father, but personally, if he's going to hit your brother just like that, brag about it, and threaten you at the same time, he's just not a father anymore. Those moments where you could've made him be punished for treating you and your brother like that, I don't know, maybe it was just a subconscious thing as still finding love for your father, despite him stating that you don't care about him.Quote:
I have been physically and emotionally abused by both of my parents (mostly my dad) to the point where I have commonly recurrent nightmares about family members attacking me (my dad commonly gave me death threats), but someone finally found out about it and recently called CPS anonymously. Then, an investigation began and of course a social worker interviewed the children. I covered and stated that nothing at all was wrong. The woman recommended a psychologist and we were off. About a month later, my dad wants to talk to me about something. I am writing and tell him that I am busy. He follows me around the house and pushes me. He pins me down. He won't let me go, and I am getting blood on the carpet, so I reach for a pair of scissors. I stab him in the hand with them; just enough for me to get away. I grab my writing and books and leave as quickly as I can. He chases me, but I get away. I had done this before; I just leave through the front door after they might get angry. I go to the library, but it is closed, so I sit on the steps for two hours. I just write.
I come back, and confront my dad about it. I shove him, and he says that I am 'a danger to myself and the household.' A fight breaks out, and I again huddle by the door. I run down the street when he comes near the door, and he hits the nearest person to him; my brother. He yells at me to 'come and get some,' and he is bragging about how he hit him with a 'closed-fucking-fist!' I naturally run away again. I grab a stone near me to defend myself if he comes after me, and I run away. A while later, I come back to find my dad sitting on my front steps. He casually mentions that the cops would be there soon to bring to a psych ward. Are you kidding me? I drop the stone on the ground in defeat, and I wait for the police. They begin to talk and once again I cover for him. I don't tell them the real reason of the fight, and I don't tell them why I cut my dad. (I didn't even mean to break his skin in the first place.) I just made up something about him taking away my video games. So there I am, looking like a sociopath (exactly the position he wanted me in) in front of the police. Of course, I was the bad guy, and I was given lectures about respect, property, and many rhetorical and obvious questions like 'Do you want to go to jail for the rest of your life?' as if that was actually a possibility in this case. I was just aching to blurt out how wrong they were, but I suppressed it. Once again, I covered for my parents, and I get bullshit about my "psychological health," get interrogated with police swearing at me (yes), and when I get right back in the house, what do you think happened? Luckily, I evaded being put in an asylum for the night, but my parents still obsess over imaginary mental illness. He began to notice that I don't care about him, and equated that with a lack of empathy. He literally said this to me.
I did the same thing when my older cousin would whip me when I was younger in South America, and she would do it mostly for her own sadistic needs. I guess in a way, she was jealous that my father and mother had a much better life, and would take out her insecurities towards me, seeing as I would be that child that was just lucky to have rich parents at the time, but I didn't know that as a child. I always thought it was just normal being whipped like that, and maybe it was traumatic at the time, but currently, I guess my apathy for my own family is the result of all of it.
I never told my father or mother that she whipped me and just treated me like a piece shit, but even my father was no different to how he treated my mother when he was younger.
I admit that your situation itself can't be sugar-coated, that definitely is rough shit you had to deal with, and I just hope that you do tell the authorities the truth. I don't know how that will affect your life in terms of not being able to have someone to support you (if it ends up with him being punished), but in your situation, if you have to do something like stabbing him with scissors just to protect yourself, you have to draw the line somewhere. And I don't blame you if you don't care about your father either, I had the same deal with my cousin. When I grew up and realized how much she changed, I was so surprised that this person that would make my childhood a fucking living hell suddenly be considered nothing to me. Her level of competence disgusted me, and I compared myself to her and realized I had it better.
She's trying so hard to communicate to me, but like what happened to you, I would never be able to trust her or even love her as a family member anymore.
I guess why I'm saying this is that even though I know that no advice can really help this traumatic moment you have to bear with, I do sympathize for you. All I can say is, you shouldn't let yourself be defeated like that from your father. I know it's easier said than done, but you'll realize very quickly or eventually that things like this need to be settled now. I'm sure if I was still in that third-rate country any longer, and I would've killed my cousin out vengeance, but now, she's just slowly rotting her brain away, so I guess that's more than enough punishment for her.
If possible, maybe you should communicate with other family members, I find that I might have to lean towards meeting my half-sisters someday again since I know they really want to see me considering that my father fucked things up (for petty reasons too) with his last wife that made me separated from my siblings for nearly a decade.
And as for them picking on your "imaginary mental illness," you're clearly more sane than they would ever be, and you shouldn't have to deal with that bullshit. Ever. I wish you the best, and I hope you'll find out how these same people that can hurt you are forced to become mellower later on in life. I really wish the best for you, because this is definitely something that takes a lot guts to bear, and how you still stood up for your parents, and still found a modicum of consideration for them, despite of what happened, you're still a compassionate person.
It's funny. People who called me a shitty mess in the past, or whatever insult, they most likely had it good, really really good. But I guess we can't really do much for them except ignore them. Keep strong, I know it's rough, and I know how it's tempting to just not tell the authorities about it, because they're still your family, and having that taken away is definitely painful, it was for me when I couldn't see most of my family anymore...
But that's when you have to find happiness in yourself (and I don't mean that as any usage of a pretense, just personal experience). And on a personal level, you know how that same imagination you have is the best coping mechanism we can ever have in this life, it's unfortunate people think we're crazy or have an illness for trying to tap into that potential.
And like you told me and others in a different thread, practicing compassion definitely is something that brings out the best in us, even in situations like this. Again, I hope you take action with this, and stay safe.
Dude, stop covering for that manipulative shithead. This isn't a case of just hating your parents because you're a teenager, it's about making sure you do something about it before he messes you up for life and ruins your chance at happiness.... I doubt you could tell that story to anyone who wouldn't immediately say you need to tell them the truth. Someone like that needs to be reported....Quote:
Originally Posted by Jabre
Stockholm Syndrome @ WikipediaQuote:
Originally Posted by Alyzarin
Working on my Bayesian paper... It's going to be incredibly mathy. I'll be done with my math classes, but I'll be doing... More math! Yay! Within the first three sentences, I added three new words to Word's dictionary. I'm... about a page in? Out of 10? I hope to pound out four pages total today, focusing on the setup and easier math. Then tomorrow I generalize it and do the real meat of the paper. All day long. Unlike today, where I've still got a math exam to spend, er, a total of 7 hours studying for, travelling to/from, and taking.
Friday I will be done. VICTORY AWAITS.
I'm aware of this, but it doesn't change my advice at all. The only way to change for the better is to overcome it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkmatters