Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I don't think it's so much that most people try to correct them, I see it more as trying to get them to look at it from a different perspective. And what may seem entirely unrealistic to the receiver of the consolation may be entirely true from the standpoint of the giver. I know a lot of people on here get depressed and stuff, and when I try to console them it comes from personal experience. For most of my life I've been depressed and sometimes suicidal, but you know what? The past year I haven't had too many issues. If anyone had told me things would get better or be different two years ago, I would have just laughed.

You can't say with 100% certainty that things will get better. You also cannot say with 100% certainty that they won't. No one knows anything 100%. In my view, shit happens, that's a given. You can't control the situation all the time. But you can control how you choose to think, what help you choose to get, and what actions you take in response. Even if stuff is screwed out of your favor in how your brain works, you can still choose to the best extent you can.

Anyways. My not really a rant but not really a cry either: School's out and I'm alone in the apartment for a week. I guess I could walk somewhere, just be around people. But no one to really talk to or hang with. I'm glad I'm in this apartment though. In the last one I always felt like I was being watched, even with another person around, so being alone for a week and a half made me super, super paranoid. You have no idea. At least in this one I feel like I'm alone when I'm alone.

Rave: Found three boxes of ammo that weren't totally overpriced! It's a miracle!

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Originally Posted by Original Poster

I feel like I'm stuck in this game between wanting people to like me and not really liking people. It's often if I get to like someone, eventually they'll annoy me and fall into a barely tolerable range. Meanwhile I often deal with the fear that other people don't really like me, or talk shit behind my back, and what not. I suppose I could escape this game by loving myself unconditionally, however the fuck you do that.

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On top of everything else I have talked about this also explains me. Almost perfect example of how I feel about people.

Every day I've been realizing more and more just how short life is. When I was a teenager, I felt like I had all the time in the world. I never thought that word for word, but I felt it. It's like time stood still (with the exception of gaining perks as we grow older) from about 12-19. Yes I matured and developed in many ways, some visible and in other ways, but that tiny, back of the mind feeling of immortality remained the same. I know they have a psychological term for this somewhere. I guess I'm hitting the stage where I realize my mortality? I always knew life was short, but damn... I can't believe I was almost 18 five years ago. Five years seems like a long time, but it feels like yesterday. I know this whole thing is cliché. We all hear it all the time, life is short, life is short, but I'm just now having that revelation. The reality of that sentence is just hitting me. I wonder if I didn't have kids if I would be feeling this way, or if I would be feeling that invincible feeling. Is time speeding up? It can't really, can it? I mean, time doesn't even really exist, does it? I've been wondering if maybe this is happening for everyone all over the world, the feeling that time is speeding up, or if it's just something that happens with age. I mean, it's already freaking May... I'll be 23 next month. Five more years, I'll be turning 28! I have to wonder where I'll be, because five years seems like such a short time to me now. It's going to feel like five months. How much can I accomplish going from here to there so quickly?

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Originally Posted by Suena

Every day I've been realizing more and more just how short life is. When I was a teenager, I felt like I had all the time in the world. I never thought that word for word, but I felt it. It's like time stood still (with the exception of gaining perks as we grow older) from about 12-19. Yes I matured and developed in many ways, some visible and in other ways, but that tiny, back of the mind feeling of immortality remained the same. I know they have a psychological term for this somewhere. I guess I'm hitting the stage where I realize my mortality? I always knew life was short, but damn... I can't believe I was almost 18 five years ago. Five years seems like a long time, but it feels like yesterday. I know this whole thing is cliché. We all hear it all the time, life is short, life is short, but I'm just now having that revelation. The reality of that sentence is just hitting me. I wonder if I didn't have kids if I would be feeling this way, or if I would be feeling that invincible feeling. Is time speeding up? It can't really, can it? I mean, time doesn't even really exist, does it? I've been wondering if maybe this is happening for everyone all over the world, the feeling that time is speeding up, or if it's just something that happens with age. I mean, it's already freaking May... I'll be 23 next month. Five more years, I'll be turning 28! I have to wonder where I'll be, because five years seems like such a short time to me now. It's going to feel like five months. How much can I accomplish going from here to there so quickly?

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I can relate so well to most of this. Except, I remember, when I was a kid, hearing countless adults telling me that time's going to start going faster when I get older, that I won't live forever, etc. So I took them seriously and thought about death a lot, and realized that time was going to start going faster, before it even did. I was very worried about being naive and stupid so I considered this a good thing.

The last part of what you said, I've had the same thought. I can't believe that 5 years ago I was 18. I remember being 18 and it feels more like a year ago, and I dread how quickly time will eventually start going. Maybe I'll be dead in what will feel like 7 years.

I've wondered the same thing and have never voice it outside my thoughts nor heard anyone else bring it up: whether time is speeding up for everyone due to some sort of shifting property of the universe, and its rate is the same at any given time for every person, or it's the same for everyone at different ages. People assume the latter, but it seems the former may be probable as well. Maybe when our grandparents were children, time went even more slowly for them, more slowly than we can comprehend. They when they got older, they noticed time speeding up, because it was. But they'd assume it was because they were getting older. And they'd assume that every young person experiences time as slowly as they used to. There's no way to really know whether the time speed-up is relative or objective, since we can only describe it relatively.

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It's taboo to be negative, and if someone is negative, the person they're talking to immediately tries to convince them that everything will be okay. It bothers me because it's fake. If the person believes it, then it's a false comfort.

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I'd rather lie in order to make a person smile, then to keep her with her negative thoughts, that bring nothing good. Life doesn't owe people anything. There's no coming around, there's no balance in happiness and sadness. You make your own happiness, despite everything. Studies show that people that won the lottery and people that are paraplegic show the same level of happiness one year after the events.
So, even if it was fake, the person who "faked" it seems to care enough about the other person to actually post, even if it's a lie. Who cares if words cannot make a situation better? Maybe it helps that the negative thoughts people knows that people read his/her post. Maybe trying to comfort another person makes it easier to avoid ranting about him/her self.

Rant: This girl I knew in university had cancer. After I dropped out, she still insisted to text me once in a while. A couple months ago her best friend sent a message to all her contacts saying that she was in the hospital with some gravity. I never received any more news. I like to text her once every month but I know that I'm most likely talking to someone who will never reply again. I need to let her go, I promised myself some years ago that I would not dwell again in old memories >.>

Well said, Dianeva. It's kind of a trip to think about and it makes me a little sad.

Another rant.

I was driving out of the park earlier, following another car, and towards the exit there were a few cars parked to the left and a few girls leaning against them. There were also little children running around, so both me and the car ahead of me were driving a little slower. These stupid girls were right there when one of the kids, about 4ish, just dashed out in front of the car. These STUPID girls did not even flinch. The car in front of me slammed on their brakes, and the girls just waited for the kid to move back to them. So I go by really really slow because this kid is still standing halfway in the road. These roads are one way sized. As I'm driving by, my eyes on the kid anticipating his movement, one of these girls says "God, why are these cars going so slow!".

Really? Hmmm, maybe we don't want to HIT your fucking kid. Jesus. People make me sick. Yeah, we weren't going that fast, but that's dangerous as hell. I was all pumped up after my walk, I almost wanted to jump out of the car and give them a piece, but.. not my business I guess.... They're lucky enough to have had me and that other driver watching out for THEIR kid.

Really random rant but,

Was at a roundabout on the bus yesterday, saw an advert for a fast food chain, it's direction pointed to the right. YOU CAN ONLY GO ROUND A ROUNDABOUT TO THE LEFT! What even is logic?!

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

I can relate so well to most of this. Except, I remember, when I was a kid, hearing countless adults telling me that time's going to start going faster when I get older, that I won't live forever, etc. So I took them seriously and thought about death a lot, and realized that time was going to start going faster, before it even did. I was very worried about being naive and stupid so I considered this a good thing.

The last part of what you said, I've had the same thought. I can't believe that 5 years ago I was 18. I remember being 18 and it feels more like a year ago, and I dread how quickly time will eventually start going. Maybe I'll be dead in what will feel like 7 years.

I've wondered the same thing and have never voice it outside my thoughts nor heard anyone else bring it up: whether time is speeding up for everyone due to some sort of shifting property of the universe, and its rate is the same at any given time for every person, or it's the same for everyone at different ages. People assume the latter, but it seems the former may be probable as well. Maybe when our grandparents were children, time went even more slowly for them, more slowly than we can comprehend. They when they got older, they noticed time speeding up, because it was. But they'd assume it was because they were getting older. And they'd assume that every young person experiences time as slowly as they used to. There's no way to really know whether the time speed-up is relative or objective, since we can only describe it relatively.

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While I agree that this is interesting to think about, I have a counter argument. Research into the nature of time dilation has implicated parts of the brain like the dopamine system, and that and other chemicals do decrease with age. That actually makes sense to me too because I've always thought about it in a "gaining tolerance" sort of way, and that's actually how that works in the brain.... So I could see a logical explanation of why it would go by faster with age. And supposing that time could literally be going faster throughout the universe is a trippy thought, but my only issue with it is, if you're going to be supposing something like that that we can't measure then how can you be sure it's not going the other way? You can easily twist it to fit your worries, but I don't see what makes the inverse any less possible. It could be that they're both true, both that time is changing subjectively and objectively, but that time itself is actually slowing down but not as quickly as our perception of it is speeding up. Because that would mean that we actually experience even more life than the people before us, but it wouldn't rule out anything about everyone still always feeling time go by faster. They say kids are maturing younger and younger these days don't they? (Of course that's an opinion....)

Well. Eventful day.

Did my show, I quite liked it, can't think of much to critize myself on.

My laptop erased some work.

Sat and cried for most of the bus journey home, started by my boyfriend putting his headphones on after I'd been stressing, therefore shutting me out. That hurt like a bitch so I started to sob and after about 20 or so minutes and then caused a lot of shit by asking him to move because pain and I couldn't sit next to someone I was scared of talking to so sad Katie is sad.

Busy busy oh so busy.

Also just realized the reason that I haven't been getting email notifications is because all info@dreamviews messages got marked as spam somehow. Not sure who to blame.

You would think that after 7 years I would know better than to sing when he's home. =( It's not even like I'm bad.

I really, really want to get buzzed but I've been feeling a little nauseous. First world problems :roll:

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Originally Posted by NewArtemis

I really, really want to get buzzed but I've been feeling a little nauseous. First world problems :roll:

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On my diet, I tried to do this not realizing that I didn't eat at all that day, have a low alcohol tolerance thanks to the diet, and was drinking A LOT of tequila then shots of Bacon Vodka (which still makes me gag when I say the name). I remember nothing of the night.

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Originally Posted by Tiresias

On my diet, I tried to do this not realizing that I didn't eat at all that day, have a low alcohol tolerance thanks to the diet, and was drinking A LOT of tequila then shots of Bacon Vodka (which still makes me gag when I say the name). I remember nothing of the night.

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Something similar happened to me, except with Goldschlager. Yup. I learned my lesson pretty well. I feel your pain.

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Originally Posted by NewArtemis

Something similar happened to me, except with Goldschlager. Yup. I learned my lesson pretty well. I feel your pain.

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haha me too. I don't think I could ever drink Goldschlager again. Actually for a long time after I couldn't stand the smell of cinnamon. <.<

I thought working 9 hours a day without days off would make me lack time for things I *guess* I like. Maybe I was wrong, I still feel I got too much time in my hands, or at least not clinging to things like a normal person does. Why do I have to make a conscious and continuous effort to keep doing anything. It's like I have to pretend I like something and since I don't really like it the "love" fades after a few days...There's people that like something and love to do it. Then there's me who likes (?) something and...have to force myself to do them. Maybe I don't like them right? Wrong. I do like them, I just....don't feel like I like them. But I do like them, they show up in my head as stuff I want to do. And I got so much stuff I want to do! But I don't feel like I want to do them. It's stupid I have to consciously state to myself that I like something and that I will do it. Sigh -.-

I don't have much of an appetite. I'm feeling really low and alone and I know that because I'm not wanting to eat anything I'm going to be really really bad for a while.

I think I'll be lucky if I make it to next year. I really really, I appear to be left to help myself, and I can't. I cried out for help to my friends, was offered someone to be with today an then had that offer withdrawn an hour before I was supposed to leave. I feel like no one cares about helping me.

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Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

I don't have much of an appetite. I'm feeling really low and alone and I know that because I'm not wanting to eat anything I'm going to be really really bad for a while.

I think I'll be lucky if I make it to next year. I really really, I appear to be left to help myself, and I can't. I cried out for help to my friends, was offered someone to be with today an then had that offer withdrawn an hour before I was supposed to leave. I feel like no one cares about helping me.

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:hug:

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Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

I don't have much of an appetite. I'm feeling really low and alone and I know that because I'm not wanting to eat anything I'm going to be really really bad for a while.

I think I'll be lucky if I make it to next year. I really really, I appear to be left to help myself, and I can't. I cried out for help to my friends, was offered someone to be with today an then had that offer withdrawn an hour before I was supposed to leave. I feel like no one cares about helping me.

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People can easily become self-absorbed and not see things as they really are. If you want to talk to someone though, I can offer my ear, but I think you may need to look at professional help for these feelings too. You should also look into new friends. That helped me 100 fold.

I'm looking into the professional. But I can't get new friends, the rest of my school hates me and I'm not popular enough to get new friends. Not now anyway.

That's how I was when I moved. I lived here for a year before I made any more friends except co-workers. Then I joined Meetup.com, and I met some of the closest friends for which I could ask.

I checked my final grade on one class, and I can already tell that I'm going to face some heavy shit from my father already. It seems kind of pointless to hope that I'll get better grades in my other courses, and considering that I went through a second process of an appeal that got approved, so good bye to any source of financial aid, at least for the next few years or more. I pretty much followed my schedule that was fit to give me less stress and being able to finish my assignments, which it did, at least until the end where things started piling up for some reason. Everything was pretty much straight forward, except I still found myself compromising time to study for other subjects, trying to see which one requires more effort, but this class in particular, it feels like ever since the act for the University to try and get to the Top 10 Universities in the Nation, they enforced a more rigorous course load compared to what happened the last few semesters. And with my situation where I had to at least maintain the minimum GPA/GPR for the semester so it wouldn't decrease my cumulative GPA/GPR, and have the accumulative at the minimum rate.

So it's going to be a bumpy ride for the next few months, and will have to work towards finding ways to pay off the monthly payments to pay off the debt, and also the debt I owe my father as well for helping me out in tough situations. I know that the worst case scenario is him just being pissed off at me, wondering why I haven't improved, etc., but it's clear that I'm just not passionate or could give two shits anymore with trying to make the highest paying salary and highest paying job anymore. If I were narrow-minded and didn't learn so many life concepts through dreaming, I'd probably would just go into a blind trip of self-fulfilling prophecies that ironically helped me get my shit together, but now, I just want to do several things if needed that will help me survive and can enjoy at the same time. I now realize why people that really enjoy life realize that if they can have the people they care for around them, a stable job that can make ends meet, and they're not overly-obsessive with being materialistic, they can have a good life.

That means I have to start building some bonds with people I disregarded before because I was too busy with myself, or just find new friends. Either way, I already know that with experiencing the major distinction of people who familiarize themselves with dreaming and people who don't become familiar with the concepts of dreaming are usually the easiest to bond with simply because their ways of thinking are linear. It's kind of scary, but I guess it alleviates anxiety with socializing with these people. But I'll worry about that later on when the feeling is needed.

On the other hand, I guess this coming week I'll finally see for the first time in my life of my father actually being truly pissed off because of something I did. The majority of my life was just him just being concerned on certain situations I was in, but never him being pissed off. Oh well, either way, if he wants any hope of getting his money back, he'll realize that being angry at me won't make the money come back again. Maybe this is probably the most perfect timing to actually talk to him for once, presuming he'll be open to that. Oh well, I'll just wait until the other grades come in and get the official statement that I won't be able to keep up with the degree. Maybe later on I'll move on to a community college and get lower courses done and focus on something else, but in the mean time, I guess I'll just prepare for the onslaught of rage from him, then him feeling apologetic for being too harsh, and then actual support and movement.


Rave:

My half-sister managed to get her app approved from Apple, and I'm really happy for her, especially since her motivation to do it was because of grandmother, and her child as well. She's been working her ass off trying to get this app approved, getting the functionality right, coding, the website, etc. while not being proficient in all of these aspects. I'm sure she had to risk some funding on her end for help on her project, but now that it's been approved, and it was launched maybe 2 weeks ago.

The funny thing is, all my half-sisters had conflicts with my father, never completed college or just did some, and are in a better position than I am. It seems the trend is clearly obvious, they realize worrying about their father is just going to prevent them from doing what they want to do, and they focus on themselves instead of what he wants from them. Feels like it's going to be the same way for me later on in the years, wish it could've been the usual trend where people "go back to their parents" after they finally get freedom for themselves.

No matter, I'm just glad my relative is doing well, especially since I did my best to support her, even if I couldn't do much but just be on the sidelines.

Had a great Mother's day! Was at my cousin's 10th bday party, seen some of my family (guys) play Poker "Texas hold 'em!", learned some of the rules of the game (never played poker before), then joined the game and won 2 in a row ;) I kept telling the guys not to go "out" too fast because you never know if you will win! And i held it in there even if my cards didn't look right ;) true player here LOL!

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Originally Posted by Suena

Every day I've been realizing more and more just how short life is. When I was a teenager, I felt like I had all the time in the world. I never thought that word for word, but I felt it. It's like time stood still (with the exception of gaining perks as we grow older) from about 12-19. Yes I matured and developed in many ways, some visible and in other ways, but that tiny, back of the mind feeling of immortality remained the same. I know they have a psychological term for this somewhere. I guess I'm hitting the stage where I realize my mortality? I always knew life was short, but damn... I can't believe I was almost 18 five years ago. Five years seems like a long time, but it feels like yesterday. I know this whole thing is cliché. We all hear it all the time, life is short, life is short, but I'm just now having that revelation. The reality of that sentence is just hitting me. I wonder if I didn't have kids if I would be feeling this way, or if I would be feeling that invincible feeling. Is time speeding up? It can't really, can it? I mean, time doesn't even really exist, does it? I've been wondering if maybe this is happening for everyone all over the world, the feeling that time is speeding up, or if it's just something that happens with age. I mean, it's already freaking May... I'll be 23 next month. Five more years, I'll be turning 28! I have to wonder where I'll be, because five years seems like such a short time to me now. It's going to feel like five months. How much can I accomplish going from here to there so quickly?

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Tell me about it! I feel like I should NOT be 23. It's insane, I was just 18! STOP IT, TIME!
Probably doesn't help that I've basically done nothing since then....
Or even the holiday I went on was 6 months ago, WTF!?
Again, probably doesn't help that I've done nothing since then.

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Originally Posted by Zoth

I'd rather lie in order to make a person smile, then to keep her with her negative thoughts, that bring nothing good. Life doesn't owe people anything. There's no coming around, there's no balance in happiness and sadness. You make your own happiness, despite everything. Studies show that people that won the lottery and people that are paraplegic show the same level of happiness one year after the events.
So, even if it was fake, the person who "faked" it seems to care enough about the other person to actually post, even if it's a lie. Who cares if words cannot make a situation better? Maybe it helps that the negative thoughts people knows that people read his/her post. Maybe trying to comfort another person makes it easier to avoid ranting about him/her self.

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I agree, everyone knows that life is shit, we don't need to be reminded. Just saying something nice is enough to make people feel better for a while, I for one appreciate it and it's heart warming to know people care.

And you should message your friend, or go visit her, you'll regret it if you don't.
This is another one of those things that you never actually realise fully until it happens to you, like the life going by so quickly thing, but you WILL regret if you don't message her or see her.
You will never have another chance to talk to her again, for the rest of your life.... just think about that.

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Originally Posted by Alyzarin

They say kids are maturing younger and younger these days don't they? (Of course that's an opinion....)

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That's the BPA in plastics altering hormone levels. Also the unencumbered access to all the horrors and depravities the world has to offer.

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Originally Posted by Wishfulthinker

I don't have much of an appetite. I'm feeling really low and alone and I know that because I'm not wanting to eat anything I'm going to be really really bad for a while.

I think I'll be lucky if I make it to next year. I really really, I appear to be left to help myself, and I can't. I cried out for help to my friends, was offered someone to be with today an then had that offer withdrawn an hour before I was supposed to leave. I feel like no one cares about helping me.

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You are almost always left to help yourself, no one else will help you, that's a fact. Some people will care enough to give you advice or some trite platitude, but you will always have to help yourself. It's not a bad thing, you feel much better when you pick yourself up from a shitty situation and it helps you grow and be stronger.
There are a few people do care, and you will find friends that do genuinely care for your well-being eventually. But you have to help yourself first.
I think you're a cool person and you can talk to me anytime you want, I've probably been through it before, by the sounds of it, if that helps.


Slight rave:

I got an appointment for an interview on Friday. Problem is it goes for an hour and a half, which is fucking ridiculous. Retail associate interview for one and half hours!?
What the hell do they need to know? Ugh.... I hope I can do it. I'm gonna try either way. I should get an interview for another place soon, so if it doesn't work out on Friday, at least I still have another chance, hopefully....

Although I'm running low on Xanax, which isn't good.

One exam today, one Wednesday, and a 10-page paper due Friday.

And then I graduate.

Until then, life will be a flurry of unproductive stress, half-productive studying, and procrastinating by making posts on Dreamviews (which, in my opinion, is highly productive. The only problem is what I'm producing won't help with finals week at all).

I seriously haven't figured out how to study for math. Still. I know the definitions, the relations, the theorems. It's always been a matter of "can you do proofs under a time constraint and without the internet/book" and luck o' the exam-questions draw. But really really it's a matter of "can you do proofs," which I'm p. good at. With math exams, either I get the question completely right, or I don't know where to start and get few if any points (usually it's because it needs a theorem I couldn't at that time recall). Hopefully I'll be able to think creatively enough in a few hours.