Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

When I'm happy I can't remember what it feels like to be depressed. When I'm depressed I can't imagine I've ever felt any other way.

It's the border thing again. My family is moving in two days to a temporary new house, in this crappy city off Vancouver where we used to live. I associate childhood with it, so I feel like I'm going backwards again. The activities involved with moving have, for some reason, strongly been reminding me that I didn't get through the border and are making me feel lonely and hopeless. This fucked up shadow of a family that I can barely stand is moving and I wasn't supposed to be here for it.

Spoiler for long rant that wasn't supposed to be part of this post:

(I've been sitting here for like an hour deleting segments from this post, now it's downsized like halfway. I'm just going to hit submit now so I can go to bed.)

My boyfriend had long hair, but he had to get it cut a couple days ago so that he could get a job. He was self-conscious about it, but after getting a few requests on Facebook that he put a picture up, he finally did. Then like twenty people liked and commented on it. Eight people commented on how good-looking or handsome he was.

The commenters included my mom, who posted "I had no idea you were that good looking!" I was initially annoyed because it sounded like she was implying she thought he was ugly before, which I'm almost sure was true. He is fat, and while he was living here she had a long, agonizing discussion with me about how she doesn't like him and thinks I can do better, and that was one of the reasons she brought up (that he's fat). In fact I'm sure that was 1st or at least 2nd on her list of reasons, but she only brought it up at the end like it was an afterthought so as not to sound vain. Later after her post, she mentioned it to me, saying she can't believe how good he looked, he's actually handsome and she could never see it before because his hair was in the way. She also said she hoped he hadn't gotten the wrong impression from her comment.

I'm not sure why exactly but all of this bothers me a lot. The comments are good because they'll make him feel better about himself. But my mom's vanity in particular annoys the fuck out of me. If she were just a vain bitch, that would be one thing. But it's extra irritating that she pretends not to be. She makes fun of my dad's sisters for being stuck-up, rich bitches who care so much about their appearances. It's like she thinks she knows what's really important and is all down-to-earth. But that's only because we aren't rich, and she isn't young anymore, and she's always been anti-social. I can tell that, if she were rich, young and good socially, she'd be worse than they are. She'd enjoy being pampered and looking down on all the little people. She wouldn't be a decent person at all. She's only forced to act unlike that because she doesn't have the right cards for it.

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I hate to say it...but damn...that's fucked up. I guess the good thing is, that she's still around, and maybe she'll turn a new leaf down the road or something. I don't know....but it would be a good thing if it happened. I'll admit, I get superficial at times, but I don't think I could ever be like that.

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

After refusing to try sushi for my entire life, I decided to finally try it. Nothing with fish since I don't even like most fish, just some yam rolls and california rolls (I don't mind crab (or uh, I tried it in ravioli once and it was good)).

And it's absolutely disgusting. Worse than I even imagined. The yam inside the yam rolls makes eating them somewhat bearable but it's still hard to get them down, just because of the cold rice. I've forced myself to eat most of it but with 3 California rolls left I just can't anymore. When I felt how cold it was at first, I was about to microwave it but my brother was like "NO! That would completely ruin it." But it's horrible, bland and cold..... I don't know how people actually like this. And my family said this was the best sushi place around here. I feel like I'm gonna be sick though; never trying sushi again.

I'm actually surprised by how terrible it is. I mean the idea of "raw fish and seaweed" always sounded terrible, but it looks pretty and so many people like it, I thought maybe there is something to it, especially if I don't order fish? But at least I can say I've tried it now. I can now honestly say "I don't like it" instead of "I've never tried it and don't want to."

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But sushi is nice. Did you dip soy sauce with it? I bet there's definitely nicer sushi that that somewhere in the world. Come to Asia. You got to try Asian food in Asia.

Come to Singapore, I'll treat you to some nice sushi. Aly too. xD

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

Yeah, it is. You should be proud of yourself for that. It would be too easy after an experience like that to just go home and mope.

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Originally Posted by zoth00

Remember that you differ from many in your situation because you're actually trying as hard as possible to get a job. You're struggling to solve your life, and no one can tell you you're a lazy useless guy. Don't forget that :)

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Thanks both of you :D

Now a rant:

FUCK WINDOWS DFUCKldfienfknsadkjgnwqekn weYOU SHITTY SHIT FUCL!!!!

Windows is the worst operating system I have ever fucking encountered on this green Earth.

I wish I stayed with Apple. FUCK WINDOWS!

I have spent the entire fucking day trying to recover my files from this hard drive because windows decided to try and "repair" it, deleting pretty much everything.
THANKS A LOT YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Seriously, files I've had for 5 or 6 years, all my artwork, photos, resumes, sheet music for piano, gone.

ACtually holylllyly living shit. I think I remember just now that I backed that one folder up a couple of weeks ago.....
Oh god fuck yes please please please.

I'm not gonna get my hopes up, I'll be back with either a rant or a rave shortly....

Ugh.... ok well, at least *some* of my songs were on there, but still all my artwork etc. are gone. Must have not backed them up.
I did put them on there are a while ago though, so maybe I can recover them.... unlikely but maybe.

Damn it, i hate when i'm up, and 2 hours later i know i dreamt of something...but can't get it to recall!!

I hate how much anxiety I have. I have two deadlines approaching on my novel work, and my day job slowed down so much I have time to write my novel at work, which I really, really hate to do. I feel stressed...

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Originally Posted by Tiresias

I hate how much anxiety I have. I have two deadlines approaching on my novel work, and my day job slowed down so much I have time to write my novel at work, which I really, really hate to do. I feel stressed...

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Have you tried planning your weeks and doing just a bit of writing per day? It helps me when I got loads of reading to do: I worry about it and when I'm done, see you tomorrow, instead of constantly thinking on grabbing it.

Yep, and almost always something comes up that just fucks it. Today, for example, my wife made me cut the grass before it rained, though she knew I had to write. Then the lawn mower breaks. I'm more stressed about the lack of work at work, since I should hit my deadlines without a problem.

I really hate my job. Even after all I did to get our department in order they can't stomach paying me more.
I can't even get another job because I don't have any skills besides retail stuff and I'd rather not exchange one pit for another.

I put in for a higher paying position and even though I was the only applicant and I've already interviewed they keep posting the job. But they won't tell me I haven't gotten it. They said I don't seem excited.
After 5 years of this crap I'm surprised I don't burst into tears or fly into a murderous rage when I cross the threshold and they want me to be EXCITED?

Work is a weird thing. A lot of places want the best possible employee for the least amount of money, which is what plenty settle for at first. Then, they ride us until we break and still expect a high level of quality.

No kidding. Seems to be that way in government jobs especially. I don't get why people don't understand that higher morale = more satisfied, productive, and more likely to stay employees. I've always gotten crap jobs at work because I don't complain, I don't get raises, get paid less than other people for the same job, and they wonder why I quit. What's with some people?

Also think I damaged my esophagus pretty bad somehow. Hurts to swallow anything. Feels like a pill is caught in my chest.

I agree, but something interesting is that some studies have shown that people will actually work harder if they're paid less. More specifically, they'll like their job more if they're paid less. The reasoning is supposed to be that people have pride. If they're doing a crappy job for a lot of money, they'll justify doing the crappy job by saying they're only doing it for the money, and they'll do poorly at the job because they think it's so bad. But if they're doing a crappy job for only a little money, admitting that they're just a loser will be too much of a hit on their pride. They have to come up with some justification for why they're willing to do the job, and can't really say that it's for the money, so they convince themselves they actually enjoy the job.

(Typed out in a rush, just thought I'd share the interesting fact and I hope it's understandable. I have no links to experiments but heard about them through one of those awesome free online Yale lectures (somewhere here)).

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(Typed out in a rush, just thought I'd share the interesting fact and I hope it's understandable. I have no links to experiments but heard about them through one of those awesome free online Yale lectures (somewhere here)).

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You just reminded me that I still got over 26 online courses (Psychology) to go through before October so I can start my portfolio and present it in March when I apply to the university. My plan was studying 2-3hours a day, which should be easy to keep up even with a job, but for some reason I stopped after 1 week. It annoys me that I haven't been working hard -.-

(If anyone is interested on free online courses for sake of self-education, I highly recommend you MITOPENCOURSEWARE, it has dozens and dozens of structured online courses, several of them with video-classes, assignments, tests, exams, study groups, etc etc, you can view the material at your own pace. Some of the courses are meant for undergraduates, and others for graduates, and the quality is excellent).

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

I agree, but something interesting is that some studies have shown that people will actually work harder if they're paid less. More specifically, they'll like their job more if they're paid less. The reasoning is supposed to be that people have pride. If they're doing a crappy job for a lot of money, they'll justify doing the crappy job by saying they're only doing it for the money, and they'll do poorly at the job because they think it's so bad. But if they're doing a crappy job for only a little money, admitting that they're just a loser will be too much of a hit on their pride. They have to come up with some justification for why they're willing to do the job, and can't really say that it's for the money, so they convince themselves they actually enjoy the job.

(Typed out in a rush, just thought I'd share the interesting fact and I hope it's understandable. I have no links to experiments but heard about them through one of those awesome free online Yale lectures (somewhere here)).

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I wouldn't be prideful for a doing a crappy job and repeating it constantly to where it becomes dull and boring for a sense of self-worth, I would just do it for the sake that it keeps a steady income; trying to justify my self-worth as not being a loser or whatever seems kind of useless if you want to have a job that gets you food on the table and basic necessities. If I were to be accepted for a higher paying job, I would have wayyyyy more pride and ambition to work harder than before simply because it's obviously something all people would like. I would be even more motivated to make myself flexible and do hobbies that could get me side money as well.

It seems the traditional thinking that higher paying jobs equals more apathy in it because of people's insecurities with thinking they're doing it for the money is just their own delusions and skewed version of pride. I guess the cliché with how we're taught that we should go for a job we enjoy even if it means less income than a higher paying job is the fault of the education systems; creates predispositions and convinces people to go for lukewarm lives and not having as much ambition to still work hard no matter what amount of income they receive.

'If you love your job, you'll never work a day in your life'


I have no idea where I got that from, but yeah....I think it's time to post in the drunk thread.

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Originally Posted by zoth00

(If anyone is interested on free online courses for sake of self-education, I highly recommend you MITOPENCOURSEWARE, it has dozens and dozens of structured online courses, several of them with video-classes, assignments, tests, exams, study groups, etc etc, you can view the material at your own pace. Some of the courses are meant for undergraduates, and others for graduates, and the quality is excellent).

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Thanks for posting the link, I will check it out sometime.

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Originally Posted by Linkzelda

I wouldn't be prideful for a doing a crappy job and repeating it constantly to where it becomes dull and boring for a sense of self-worth, I would just do it for the sake that it keeps a steady income; trying to justify my self-worth as not being a loser or whatever seems kind of useless if you want to have a job that gets you food on the table and basic necessities. If I were to be accepted for a higher paying job, I would have wayyyyy more pride and ambition to work harder than before simply because it's obviously something all people would like. I would be even more motivated to make myself flexible and do hobbies that could get me side money as well.

It seems the traditional thinking that higher paying jobs equals more apathy in it because of people's insecurities with thinking they're doing it for the money is just their own delusions and skewed version of pride. I guess the cliché with how we're taught that we should go for a job we enjoy even if it means less income than a higher paying job is the fault of the education systems; creates predispositions and convinces people to go for lukewarm lives and not having as much ambition to still work hard no matter what amount of income they receive.

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It isn't supposed to be rational, and the conclusion of the study was supposed to be surprising because it went against common sense. People think that if they get paid more, they'll enjoy their job more. I don't know where you get that it's a cliche that we should like our jobs even if it means less money. It seems I've always been told to strive for a lot of money (and to enjoy the job, but that seems to be a lesser priority).

From what I remember, one of the studies involved a single task. One group of people were given something like $1 to complete it (it took place a long time ago so that was worth a bit more than it is now) and the other were asked to complete the same task for $20 or something, then both groups were asked later how much they enjoyed the task. The $1 group claimed the task was a lot more enjoyable. But, it was a subconscious justification. When people are asked if they'd enjoy doing something more if they were receiving more money for it, they claim that they would. Maybe the conclusion only applies in some cases. Like maybe people would enjoy a $10/hour job more than if they were getting paid $14/hour for the same job. But if the difference were extreme, like $10/hour or $50/hour, they'd genuinely enjoy the latter more. Completely guessing stuff here.

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

From what I remember, one of the studies involved a single task. One group of people were given something like $1 to complete it (it took place a long time ago so that was worth a bit more than it is now) and the other were asked to complete the same task for $20 or something, then both groups were asked later how much they enjoyed the task. The $1 group claimed the task was a lot more enjoyable. But, it was a subconscious justification. When people are asked if they'd enjoy doing something more if they were receiving more money for it, they claim that they would. Maybe the conclusion only applies in some cases. Like maybe people would enjoy a $10/hour job more than if they were getting paid $14/hour for the same job. But if the difference were extreme, like $10/hour or $50/hour, they'd genuinely enjoy the latter more. Completely guessing stuff here.

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Sounds like this is relevant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6XAPnuFjJc

Dianeva, I was totally about to post the same study. Beat me to it. I feel like that study though had more to do with past actions than the active ones. My professor explained it like this: the people who got one dollar were alright with that and felt more favorable, but the people who got twenty to tell their friends knew exactly why they said it was more enjoyable. If that makes sense. However the money was paid after the fact. I think I feel more favorably about my jobs since I quit. During though I knew damn well I wasn't happy. Maybe it also has to do with the level of introspection one has too?

I feel like I'm just rambling. Not sure this made any sense. I'm tired and in my phone, sorry for typos. Btw, anyone talked to zhaylin recently?

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

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It isn't supposed to be rational, and the conclusion of the study was supposed to be surprising because it went against common sense. People think that if they get paid more, they'll enjoy their job more. I don't know where you get that it's a cliche that we should like our jobs even if it means less money. It seems I've always been told to strive for a lot of money (and to enjoy the job, but that seems to be a lesser priority).

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I stated going for a job that we would enjoy genuinely, which implies that it's something can have our likes/etc. tied with with the job, thus motivating us to work harder and become flexible and be able to do other things we like as well. Which is why I talked about how we're taught that we should go for something we love doing (even if it may be less than something of higher income, which may not be something we like or find something to relate to what we like), but most of the time, what we love are mediocre at best for the work field (example: Video Gaming relating careers, obviously a lot of people would go after that job compared to something like Nanotechnology).

Forcing ourselves to like a job where we can't relate to something we like, or it (us being content with it or not) being less of a factor, that's a completely different matter. I was talking about how you stated that people would work harder with a crappy job with less pay due to their pride (justifying their reasons).

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It seems I've always been told to strive for a lot of money (and to enjoy the job, but that seems to be a lesser priority).

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Yes, which again goes back to what you stated (with the study) to how people start making justifications that they're only doing it for the money instead, and because of how we're taught to at least find something we love doing and find a job related to it. It depends on how parents and teachers interpret an ideal for the children to go by.

Obviously, parents would want their children to go for the highest paying job (because they'll be more considerate of what they think is best for you - which is obviously more income) while teachers might say you should go for someone you like doing, or at least trying to associate something you like into it (example: Doing Neuroscience because it has aspects that can let you study brain patterns for dreaming, and recalling your dreams and such would be an attribute you like). The reason why I assume that teachers are like that is that the majority of my teachers were very well-educated people that had high-paying jobs, but came into teaching, or stated their friends went for a lower paying job because it was something they could enjoy more.

I know that some teachers are obviously parents themselves, but it's just that because parents and teachers have different roles, so while they would want their child to go for something of higher salary as a parent, as a teacher, they would teach other children to just be the best they can be (more often than the parents, but again, that varies).

I'm looking for jobs but because I'm A - 16 and B - still in full time education no one will even consider my applications or every job I find is full time.

Had an awesome doctor who themed dream last night - can only remember having tally marks on the WRONG side of my arm (I'm creating a tally on my inner arm during the day to count)

My exams start in 11 days. I'm not ready. Really nervous. I have 19 of them. They don't finish for weeks and weeks and urgh.

I finally have had more money go into my account than I have go out of it. By a solitary 6 pounds. Even thought I have 107 pounds in there ? :L

My laptop thinks my keyboard is a mac keyboard now and I don't have the mac keyboard so I don't know where my 'pound sign' has gone. Or my speech marks. I'm so confused.

I STILL want Chinese. Third week. No Chinese near me, never enough time to get Chinese when I'm near a Chinese and no car. <- Bullshit.

So im currently trying to get over my damn general anxiety I've inherited over the past few years. Im 6 months clean from a pain pill addiction which is awesome and is something I will never go back to. I've always been somewhat shy but i had a good time in high school and im pretty sure my anxiety started when i for some reason got really nervous reading in front of the class, which had never happened to me before. Im guessing it was because I wasn't really friends with a lot of people in that particular class. Anyway, im almost 24 now and am pretty much starting over from where i left off graduating high school since my drug use took a few years away from me. Im almost done with my general in college and decided to go into radiology, but my anxiety has stopped me from taking classes and doing well in school. My first year of college was fine, so i know my drug use has messed with me probably because at one point i didn't go out that much. Im starting to feel a little more confident though, but i still have a little self image issue. You see, i can shut my lips together, but a lot of time my mouth stays open and about half my front teeth show and for some random reason it started bothering me. I dont even know when and why i started worrying about that, but im slowly starting to get more comfortable with myself like i use to. So yea its been a rough few years but i know people are worse off. Its just hard thinking, " oh people are worse off then me so I'll just forgot all my problems i have." Your mind just gets attached to certain ways of thinking once you see a problem with yourself. Well at least for me. Alright that's enough lol, that felt good letting that out. Not that many people close to me know this about me, so it's good to vent lol

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Originally Posted by NewArtemis

Also think I damaged my esophagus pretty bad somehow. Hurts to swallow anything. Feels like a pill is caught in my chest.

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Are you oookaaaay? D= Does it still hurt?

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Originally Posted by Amurehna

Are you oookaaaay? D= Does it still hurt?

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It's kinda weird, I've felt like it has gotten simultaneously better and worse the past two days. Like now when I swallow I get a little pain, but swallowing food and water is much better and doesn't totally feel like I need to pop my chest anymore. Overall better though. Thanks for asking :)

I remembered that Emily, the girl I love who's now out of my life until December, said that she's not abandoning me, but she also suggested that I forget about her. I'm just really scared that I'll never speak to her again. Things are getting kind of better, but everyday since her departure from life there's been a time when she's come to mind and my memories of her just get me a bit sad, I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy being like this until December. All I have left of her are photos and a voice message.

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My exams start in 11 days. I'm not ready. Really nervous. I have 19 of them. They don't finish for weeks and weeks and urgh.

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You're 16 and you got 19 exams? How many extra-curricular subjects you signed up to?

That's more exams than I ever had, and my degree at university had loads of work load o0

The problem with reading tarot is eventually all you can tell someone is that life is full of a lot of shitty surprises and you can't really prepare for them. People are going to make mistakes, they're going to continue making the same mistakes longer than you hope they will, and they're going to hurt you. The point is not to have a happy life, but to have an open heart.