Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

I went to bed last night hoping to incubate a nice lucid dream.

My cat had other ideas for me.

20 minutes after getting into bed I had to get up to clean vomit from the bedroom floor and from under the dining-room table.



Stupid cat. Stop purring.

Not sure if this helps, but the prefrontal cortex is not active during non lucid dreams. It's what controls our judgment...so try not to get so down on yourself about whatever you did.

You just changed your name!

Maybe yeah, idk. It still brought up some real life issues I didn't know were issues (maybe they aren't?) and I'm still upset about getting such strong emotion for some reason. It's nice to feel things strongly, I get exhilarated just remembering it, but upset too.

Originally Posted by tommo

Odd, I don't remember writing these posts o.O

...



Damn, don't remember posting this either....

I don't have an answer, but I'm right there with you.

Late response, but I first read this post when I woke up in bed and was still half-asleep when I read it. I honestly thought you went insane for a minute, it took me a second to catch on lol.

Thanks for the thoughts, though.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I woke up half an hour ago from an intense non-lucid dream. I must have been in the middle of REM because I remembered the details so clearly and it took me a long time to write them down. I don't want to go into detail here but, holy fuck, emotions and desires can be so intense in dreams. it's like nothing I've felt before in real life with a couple exceptions. i'd almost compare it to being a kid and everything being so awesome, games being funner, etc. then when you grow up it's like all the emotions have been dulled. Anyway, I feel very upset about this dream. Upset because, although I don't have the intense feeling anymore, I still remember what it felt like, and feel empty now in comparison. I'll probably never feel anything like that in real life. And, because I did something in the dream due to this feeling which I knew was wrong, yet I was thinking clearly, and was choosing to do it anyway. The feeling was so strong it controlled me. To my mind, it pretty much really happened, even though it was a dream, and I feel so bad about it. It brings back memories of when I used to do that kind of 'wrong' thing. And now, after this dream, I realize I wouldn't do the right thing now if I had to choose. It isn't that I've become a better person, it's just that my motivation to do bad stuff has gone away. If the temptation were there again I'd do it. But I really wish I didn't know that because it makes me feel terrible about myself, among other reasons.

To add to what, erm, Wade Wilson said (that's a change that's going to take some getting used to lol) what it actually is is that the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex which controls judgment is shut down but your ventromedial prefrontal cortex which controls emotions is more strongly activated than when you're awake. The way you say the feeling controlled you is hitting the mark exactly. You can't hold yourself responsible for things you do in dreams period, no matter how rational you think you were at the time. It's not within your control, and people will do all kinds of crazy things in dreams.

To put it in an easily understandable fashion... say that you had a way to hook up a device to someone's head so that you could press a button and it would stimulate their ventromedial prefrontal cortex. You could put it on anyone, anyone in the world, including everyone here on DV, and wait for them to stand in front of someone they're angry at. This could be a totally rational anger that they're completely in control of, not about to do anything crazy and they'll get over it. But the second you press that button, the first thing they're probably going to do is stab that person. Because that's what your ventromedial prefrontal cortex does when it's hyperactive. It makes you lash out emotionally.

But what I really want to say is that everyone has the ability to do something horrible, and imagine that they would given the right situation. But that doesn't mean anything about who you are now. You're judging yourself by who you would be if you still had that temptation, but you don't. Those kind of urges no longer control you, so you shouldn't behave as if they do. Stop thinking about the bad things you could be doing if you wanted to and do something good to make yourself feel better instead.

It should be said that you are still somewhat conscious and rational, otherwise it wouldn't be a lucid dream.
Of course decision making is suppressed, but not entirely. Even in a normal dream, it's still there slightly.
(I don't like pointing out specific parts, as pretty much all brain functions in practice use more than one "part" of the brain)

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Late response, but I first read this post when I woke up in bed and was still half-asleep when I read it. I honestly thought you went insane for a minute, it took me a second to catch on lol.

lol, I had the exactly same reaction for a few seconds when I read that. (1) he was so non-nonchalantly pointing out he didn't remember writing numerous entire posts, and (2) he was quoting other people and thought that they were himself. But I got it in a minute too.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

But what I really want to say is that everyone has the ability to do something horrible, and imagine that they would given the right situation. But that doesn't mean anything about who you are now. You're judging yourself by who you would be if you still had that temptation, but you don't. Those kind of urges no longer control you, so you shouldn't behave as if they do. Stop thinking about the bad things you could be doing if you wanted to and do something good to make yourself feel better instead.

Originally Posted by tommo

It should be said that you are still somewhat conscious and rational, otherwise it wouldn't be a lucid dream.
Of course decision making is suppressed, but not entirely. Even in a normal dream, it's still there slightly.
(I don't like pointing out specific parts, as pretty much all brain functions in practice use more than one "part" of the brain)

(Kept trying to reply to both of these in turn, but it kept going back and forth so I'm just putting it all together)

(It wasn't a lucid dream.) There definitely is some judgment going on. A lot less thought goes into judgment calls in dreams than in real life, but there's still some. I mean I did 'know' it was wrong and did it anyway.

Thanks Aly, that does help. Or it did, but then I started thinking about it and disagreeing.

I'd agree with Alyzarin for most dreams. In most dreams my thoughts are kind of fuzzy, I'm a different person, I do weird things and have no idea why, and don't think anything of it when I wake up. But this one felt different somehow, like the dream was my mind's way of taunting me by making me realize I haven't actually changed in real life.

Aly, you say it doesn't matter that I'd do something if the opportunity arose. But that's like saying a guy who would murder anyone who looks at him funny is a good person as long as no one ever looks at him funny. An extreme example but you get what I mean. Plus, my dream was nothing so far-fetched. It just makes me worry that if some opportunity ever did come, I would do something stupid.

This dream has really made me worry. I don't mean to be dramatic, I just honestly feel like it's true and am honestly worried about it. The more the day progresses, the more I feel sickened about that dream, the more important it feels. Which is like the opposite to what usually happens with dream memories. In fact this whole day feels really weird, and I think it's because of that dream. I feel like I'm on a drug like a lot of tylonal or something, and I'm a different person and think differently. Like I'm feeling high due to the dream, but a recklessness too which makes me scared.

FUCK maybe I'm just thinking about it too much and need to do something else. I don't think I was worrying this much until I read both your posts and started overthinking it.

RAVE RAVE RAVE RAVE RAVE!!

I have had the most awesome night. The most awesome. Lately I've been in contact with some people in the BDSM community who live in or around my same city and they were having a big gathering at this restaurant tonight. I signed up to go and there were like 40+ people there all in this special closed off room. Everyone introduced themselves while sitting at tables and eating and then we had a fucking alcoholic cheesecake. At first I just wandered around a bit and introduced myself to people who didn't look busy (most of them knew each other really well and were getting caught up) and I just sort of leeched off of group introductions and hearing other peoples' stories. After a while I got to know the couple who was hosting it a bit better and I started talking to the husband who is a dom for quite some time. He was telling me about all their events and just how they live the lifestyle and how they love voyeurs and tell everyone there to come check out their public "activites" and join in whenever they feel like it. He went over his whole history and how he got into the scene and we got to know each other really well, and after that I had come a bit more out of my shell and started talking to everyone else more. There were a lot of really cool people there and everyone was totally open and accepting of everything, I even talked to some people about drugs and others about researching the brain and psychology and lucid dreaming. Everyone there was pretty well educated and had a lot of life experiences.

They have these meetings and events fairly often and I'm definitely going to go to more! I'm still running on a natural high from it, the whole thing was just great. I ended up staying at the restaurant for like over five hours, we were just hanging out on the front porch even after they closed and I didn't leave until everyone else did. They're so open and loving too, they've got to be some of the coolest and nicest people I've ever met. All different age groups, too. I honestly hadn't felt that awesome about just hanging out with people in a long time. It felt like when I first started doing drugs and knew I had finally found my place, only I didn't even need the drugs to get high. It was just that cool!!

I'm excited. Sometimes life doesn't suck.

Rant: Except when you get home and your body decides to remind you of your chronic headaches. It shouldn't be an issue much longer though, melatonin will cleanse my sins help me forget about it and fall asleep.

-----

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Thanks Aly, that does help. Or it did, but then I started thinking about it and disagreeing.

I'd agree with Alyzarin for most dreams. In most dreams my thoughts are kind of fuzzy, I'm a different person, I do weird things and have no idea why, and don't think anything of it when I wake up. But this one felt different somehow, like the dream was my mind's way of taunting me by making me realize I haven't actually changed in real life.

Aly, you say it doesn't matter that I'd do something if the opportunity arose. But that's like saying a guy who would murder anyone who looks at him funny is a good person as long as no one ever looks at him funny. An extreme example but you get what I mean. Plus, my dream was nothing so far-fetched. It just makes me worry that if some opportunity ever did come, I would do something stupid.

This dream has really made me worry. I don't mean to be dramatic, I just honestly feel like it's true and am honestly worried about it. The more the day progresses, the more I feel sickened about that dream, the more important it feels. Which is like the opposite to what usually happens with dream memories. In fact this whole day feels really weird, and I think it's because of that dream. I feel like I'm on a drug like a lot of tylonal or something, and I'm a different person and think differently. Like I'm feeling high due to the dream, but a recklessness too which makes me scared.

FUCK maybe I'm just thinking about it too much and need to do something else. I don't think I was worrying this much until I read both your posts and started overthinking it.

Honestly, I think you are overthinking it. This is what I think, just my suggestion to you. You got to do something bad in a consequence free environment and are still receiving the emotional baggage from it. Use that to your advantage. You made a bad decision, so learn from it and don't make the same decision again. That's how you'll become a better person.

And this is just my experience, so take it however you will... but I've gone through this many, many times, imagining that I'd do all kinds of horrible things both for the first time and again. But I never do. I spend so much time obsessing over how I might that I would never end up actually doing it. You clearly understand the difference between good and bad in this situation. Stick to your values. You started the procrastination thread so you could have more control over yourself, right? That applies to a lot more than just giving into laziness. Be the person you want to be, don't just worry about the person you could be. Telling yourself that you would fall into a behavior will only make you more likely to do so. You know that you have the capacity to make the right decisions, so be honest with yourself about it.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

RAVE RAVE RAVE RAVE RAVE!!

I have had the most awesome night. The most awesome. Lately I've been in contact with some people in the BDSM community who live in or around my same city and they were having a big gathering at this restau....

That's fucking awesome! Sounds like it would be very.... freeing, being able to discuss all that sort of stuff. I long for that kind of company.
Maybe I should find a local BDSM community haha

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Honestly, I think you are overthinking it. This is what I think, just my suggestion to you. You got to do something bad in a consequence free environment and are still receiving the emotional baggage from it. Use that to your advantage. You made a bad decision, so learn from it and don't make the same decision again. That's how you'll become a better person.

And this is just my experience, so take it however you will... but I've gone through this many, many times, imagining that I'd do all kinds of horrible things both for the first time and again. But I never do. I spend so much time obsessing over how I might that I would never end up actually doing it. You clearly understand the difference between good and bad in this situation. Stick to your values. You started the procrastination thread so you could have more control over yourself, right? That applies to a lot more than just giving into laziness. Be the person you want to be, don't just worry about the person you could be. Telling yourself that you would fall into a behavior will only make you more likely to do so. You know that you have the capacity to make the right decisions, so be honest with yourself about it.

This this this this this this this this this. This.

Perfect response, listen to this woman.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Spoiler for Your Rave:

RAVE RAVE RAVE RAVE RAVE!!

Spoiler for Your Rave:

I have had the most awesome night. The most awesome. Lately I've been in contact with some people in the BDSM community who live in or around my same city and they were having a big gathering at this restaurant tonight. I signed up to go and there were like 40+ people there all in this special closed off room. Everyone introduced themselves while sitting at tables and eating and then we had a fucking alcoholic cheesecake. At first I just wandered around a bit and introduced myself to people who didn't look busy (most of them knew each other really well and were getting caught up) and I just sort of leeched off of group introductions and hearing other peoples' stories. After a while I got to know the couple who was hosting it a bit better and I started talking to the husband who is a dom for quite some time. He was telling me about all their events and just how they live the lifestyle and how they love voyeurs and tell everyone there to come check out their public "activites" and join in whenever they feel like it. He went over his whole history and how he got into the scene and we got to know each other really well, and after that I had come a bit more out of my shell and started talking to everyone else more. There were a lot of really cool people there and everyone was totally open and accepting of everything, I even talked to some people about drugs and others about researching the brain and psychology and lucid dreaming. Everyone there was pretty well educated and had a lot of life experiences.

They have these meetings and events fairly often and I'm definitely going to go to more! I'm still running on a natural high from it, the whole thing was just great. I ended up staying at the restaurant for like over five hours, we were just hanging out on the front porch even after they closed and I didn't leave until everyone else did. They're so open and loving too, they've got to be some of the coolest and nicest people I've ever met. All different age groups, too. I honestly hadn't felt that awesome about just hanging out with people in a long time. It felt like when I first started doing drugs and knew I had finally found my place, only I didn't even need the drugs to get high. It was just that cool!!

I'm excited. Sometimes life doesn't suck.

That's pretty awesome having a casual meeting with people like that, I tried researching some events for college station for BDSM, but I started getting paranoid since I don't have a car or someone to go with that I could even open myself with that kind of stuff.

I would imagine going to events like that as being a mini-escape from reality and finding people you can relate to and wonder what makes them tick and what makes them act a certain way mentally, emotionally and sexually. Just thinking about it makes me wonder if I'm really that aware of my sexual preferences, and if I had the same warm welcoming that you had with those individuals, I'd probably be a changed person. Sometimes I wonder if I could be a manipulative person and switch back and forth with sub and dom....

Wished College station wasn't so weird, especially since the racial diversity would be at an absolute zero. Hope you have fun in future meetings, and stay safe!

Did they do actual BDSM stuff at the place you went? Like shows or w/e?

I've been crafting this rage filled post for most of the morning, so intensely that I needed to post from my phone on a break! I was tempted to write it all in caps, but it would have taken too long! I'll just settle for exclaimation points! (Tone set for the post is sarcastically joyful!)

My back fraking hurts! And of course I've got two pallets of some of our heavier/more awkward items to put up! I still have pallets because the stocking crew avoids my department like the plague!!!
Which is fine because how they stock things pisses me the hell off!
They all think it's a good idea to open every single box and take things out without first checking if it will fit on the shelf!!
That is why I have the equivalent of 30 bottles of drain cleaner loose in the overhead!! Thanks for that!!
I also want to thank the person who thought we somehow didn't have any of that product and billed out 58 of them, causing us to receive 4 more boxes!

I have little enough space as it is >.<

......OH GOOD! They've sent me "help".

Also, wtf to the guys who said they needed 100 of something, and when I told them the closest store (4 miles up the highway) had them, they said they would just take my twelve...because their truck doesn't work so good and they came up from Texas...and they really need to go back. ??????
I'm assuming they don't actually have a truck and walked from the job site, but didn't want to say that. They also didn't believe me when I said we only had twelve, so they went to the service desk to MAKE SURE.

Which brings me to my next rage trigger!
Customers never listen to me when I tell them things!!! I could just start making random bird noises for the amount of good it does me to give them any details!

Also, my co-worker keeps using the wrong words to describe things and it's pissing me off. He also never picks up his department phone in the morning and then makes stupid jokes about it. Seriously dude, if you don't get your phone I'm going to tape it to your hand, mmkay?

..........*goes quiet and breathes heavily for a moment before flail-running away* thaaaaaaaanksssss for making this threaaaaaad!!!

Have a functioning sonic, a top hat in the post, 93m of Sapphire ribbon, a T.A.R.D.I.S charm and 6 A*'s on practice papers along with still having a relationship (a slightly complicated one but....)

Alas - the tea cup I wanted went up in price so I couldn't buy it.

Spoiler for Weird Neighbor:

A few days ago there were a group of police officers or some S.W.A.T. team around 2-3 AM I believe that were knocking the

door furiously most likely because of a neighbor of mine that engages in drug trafficking (has to be since everyone is always wanting to take drugs

in this area) and some other crap. I peeked outside, and I was lucky that I only used the curtains instead of the blinds, because the cops had

machine guns, and they looked trigger-happy as well.

I don't know what the hell my neighbor is up to for a police force to get machine guns and them having to maneuver around tight corners in a closed

space, but I'm getting sick and tired of these random people coming into this apartment complex that have really really weird personalities. He's

always been respectful and nice towards me, most likely because I just put up a stoic face most of the time and only make a positive expression if

he says things like "What's up," "My man..." or whatever. He's also a manipulative son of a bitch that when you push his buttons a certain way, he

has a really ugly side. His familial roots is completely stereotypical of an African-American male, and I'm presuming he's been in Prison already.

He's your classic rag-to-riches wannabe rapper that will stop at nothing to get as many connections as possible so that he can live the life of

luxury. And someone that really bothers me is that he keeps calling me a "Pimp" or if I would have a female in the apartment for a while, he would

try to state things in jest on "Oooh, it's a female!" Always with the sexual assumptions, and what's worse, it was just someone way older than me

that I had to let stay in for a week.

He's that guy who is a child at heart, but has to go through facades of bravado just to survive. There's also another neighbor of mine that he

socializes with that basically helps him, and all he does is take, take, take, take, and then starts complaining when they're not able to be there

for them. The neighbor herself sounds like a realistic person who doesn't take shit from someone who abuses her kindness, and I loved how she broke

down his mind when he tried to make it look like he's the bad person, when he really is. Her words would be the same thing I would state to him,

though I would do it a bit euphemistically (and in my mindvoice, I would still think he's a waste of space) since I make sure he doesn't know

anything about my character. I really wish I would try to be friendly with the girl, since she's a rare few in this area that doesn't look down on

their iPhones trying to put on a duckface or think they're so beautiful when they're just hopeless and miserable. That last sentence is just me

being really cruel, but I don't really give a fuck anymore.

Spoiler for People who think I have to fuck every single girl in sight:

I've been usually insecure about admitting to this, but lately, whenever a

person starts stating things like:

"Are the girls running after you?"
"Picked up any chicks?"
"You have a girlfriend yet?" <- (That one bothers me the most because I can't tell them I did have one for personal reasons)

Or any question that implies that I just HAD to fuck someone in a lab room or something (whether it's a study group, or just hanging out with a

person to finish an assingment). It's always with this shit and it makes me want to punch these people in the face.

No, I don't want to fuck the girls running after me, there are no women running after me. They're usually more phased out and passive whenever I say

Hi to them or even utter a word at them. I know I'm quiet, but I can't possibly break your train of thought just by saying Hi to you, or just asking

you a simple question. Your slight increase in tone of voice bothers me, and your lightning fast head jerks when I ask "Excuse me?" when I just need

help on something simple as well. Then there's the girls who look at me for a concernable amount of time, trying to make me synch with their eye

level, and they make these weirdish expressions EVER. Like, there's types of women who just glance for the sake of glancing, and then there are the

ones just make thing so awkward.

Even if I'm by myself, there's always that one girl that wants to get me into a conversation with her other friends, but there's just no point if

all I'm going to do is just stand there and listen to you talk about girly stuff. Why can't you just have a good time with your friends that you

know about instead of trying to welcome an absolute stranger (it's one thing for people to be friendly, but when I keep showing signs that I don't

want to talk to you, and yet you still try, that's what irritates me)

Spoiler for College:

I absolutely hate college right now, and it's just going to be the generic rant any other human being would talk about. Political Science has been

an odd class for me. I didn't even study for the last exam (horrible cramming), and I made the same grade as the previous exam that I REALLY studied

on, and the one before that, it was higher because the professor said it's easier than the ones later on.

And based on the study groups and the Facebook Group for the Class (where everyone uses review sheets by the SI leader (Supplemental Instruction

leader), the people who memorized all the quotes, the majority of texts, the graphs, charts, key terms, and even the slide show presentations have

found themselves completely mindfucked when they take the exam. It's like the professor isn't able to teach what's suppose to be on the exam

whatsoever. And what's worse, each exam is curved, and with the rate I'm going out, it would be a miracle if I would pull of a D. I also can't get a

D, I have to get B's in 7 hours of my courses and the rest of the other 7 with C's just to get by.

I'm trying to create a reason to keep working hard, despite knowing there's a high chance I might fail either way, and I just regret that I didn't

at least try to get a job after High School. I hate it that there's a rush to try and finish things early when you aren't even sure of what you

want.

Because if you don't, you're forced to make a choice, because parents just want their children to just become millionaires and be an CEO when most

likely you're just going to have to work somewhere lower than the collected competence you get from a degree. And it really irks me when parents

tell their children that they should go for the highest paying job with the highest paying salary. I get that you're trying to make your child have

a better life and all, but we all know how having a higher salary doesn't usually lead to a good life. It's dependent on whether or not that person

enjoys their profession, and it's been a cliché that's been engrained for decades, and yet parents can't dissociate from their delusions that your

child MUST be rich, or that everything has been in vain.


It's really disgusting, and what's even more funny is how I hear from some students on how their parents are strict on them doing well. Well, if you start piling so many expectations on your child, forcing them to do well (even though by now, your child should have competence that being in large sums of debt obviously would motivate them to not fail?), I'm pretty sure if your child was dead, you wouldn't be able to handle the debt that's now transferred onto you now right? Because with the majority of students co-signing, I see no point in parents trying to scare their children when in fact they should be scared that they could suffer as well. Why not just motivate your child and hope they'll do their best?

I fucking swear if I just had a chance with work experience, I would give it my all and become proficient in it and work my way up the ladder through their and do other side jobs that can make a more consistent cash flow then trying to hunt for a job.

Ultimately, the intention is to just have children and nurture them for the future in hopes they'll follow the same path, it's so obvious, but people just HAVE to make things a big deal and magnify what you need to do to succeed. It's not about succeeding, it's about finding something you like that can still help you survive and get by. But no, because of parents with dreams they couldn't accomplish, everyone is expected to have a million-dollar mindset and become the next Bill Gates.

If millions of people end up for regular and occasionally slightly better jobs (but nothing too fancy), don't you think that imposing that ideal is kind of pointless? I would be better off not doing this and just not existing. It's not a suicidal thought, it's just staying in the shadows in this world and just doing things that make me happy.

Really, the only thing that consistently makes me content is seeking to be skilled in as many things as possible, and pushing it further to the point where my mind gets exhausted, because I know there's always a way to get better at something. This college thing is just a distraction, and only because my parents are alive and I have to live up to their expectations. Sucks really, and maybe I'm being a piss-poor, self-centered, and ungrateful guy....and that last sentence I stated was obviously contradicting, but I guess that's just my own problem to deal with.

Maan, a thing happened and it's really been tearing me up. I knew that would happen. I've known since it happened, even though it immediately made me feel paranoid and shocked, I knew it would develop and get nastier over time. On one side I want to write what happened because I need to vent it... more. But on the other hand, just no. I might make a 3x rant combo and include those I wanted to rant about last time. Or maybe not. There's something frightening about it. Sigh.

I'm getting really really insecure about the way I look and my body shape and I really really want to be thinner and prettier and I know that the only reason I want that is because of the media and those I see around me and it's not fair because some people work so hard and still don't get the recognition they deserve because their appearance isn't aesthetically pleasing and this makes me very very sad.

My 'friend' also told me today that she hated me when I joined the school and used to tell me our group would be somewhere for lunch and would run away before I could get to them. Which brought my self esteem down again and now I can't shake that thought and she doesn't even realize she's brought me down which makes me sad again.

Originally Posted by Maeni

Maan, a thing happened and it's really been tearing me up. I knew that would happen. I've known since it happened, even though it immediately made me feel paranoid and shocked, I knew it would develop and get nastier over time. On one side I want to write what happened because I need to vent it... more. But on the other hand, just no. I might make a 3x rant combo and include those I wanted to rant about last time. Or maybe not. There's something frightening about it. Sigh.

Pretend you were distracted and typed everything without meaning to. Then regret yourself later, pretend you didn't post, but still come here to check for replies

Originally Posted by tommo

That's fucking awesome! Sounds like it would be very.... freeing, being able to discuss all that sort of stuff. I long for that kind of company.
Maybe I should find a local BDSM community haha

Oh yeah, it was an amazing feeling! Haha, maybe you should. You never know, it couldn't hurt! Well it could... but mostly likely you'll be fine, and I guess that could be your thing too.

Really though, if you ever have the chance and it's with good people then I would recommend at least looking into it. My experience so far (including before this) has been that people in fetish communities are usually a bit more open or inquisitive than the average person, and I'm rarely disappointed. These people I met happen to be pretty accepting even for the community, though. They welcome newcomers like family. If you can find a group like them, I promise you'll be hooked!

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

That's pretty awesome having a casual meeting with people like that, I tried researching some events for college station for BDSM, but I started getting paranoid since I don't have a car or someone to go with that I could even open myself with that kind of stuff.

I would imagine going to events like that as being a mini-escape from reality and finding people you can relate to and wonder what makes them tick and what makes them act a certain way mentally, emotionally and sexually. Just thinking about it makes me wonder if I'm really that aware of my sexual preferences, and if I had the same warm welcoming that you had with those individuals, I'd probably be a changed person. Sometimes I wonder if I could be a manipulative person and switch back and forth with sub and dom....

Wished College station wasn't so weird, especially since the racial diversity would be at an absolute zero. Hope you have fun in future meetings, and stay safe!

For what it's worth, I managed to find a friend before going to this one. I talked to someone else online who had just started going to the meetups (it was actually him and his wife who supplied the alcoholic cheesecake, they're starting a business) and met him at a restaurant I was familiar and comfortable with, luckily I have a place where the entire staff recognizes me because it's family owned and I've been going there with my parents since I was really young. Walking into a restaurant and having your waitress know your order without you having to say anything is good creeper repellent, hehe. He was a perfectly nice guy though, and we basically just had dinner and got to know each other a little bit last week, and so then when I went to this meeting I just waited out front for him to show up before going in. That made things a lot easier, I think I would have been more nervous or reserved if it wasn't for that. Maybe you could start with something like that if you want to give it a shot?

And thank you, I'll make sure to take care of myself!

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Did they do actual BDSM stuff at the place you went? Like shows or w/e?

Not there, it was a little too public haha. It was just this nice little Mexican restaurant where the owners are kind enough to let the group have the private room every other week. There are plenty of meetups for it though, I may be going to some soon. They actually just got big enough to get their own night reserved at this one BDSM club nearby every other month, which is a pretty big step considering that they haven't been around very long. At that place, it's pretty much anything goes once the doors are closed. They do lots of group stuff and they even have their more learned members teaching newcomers. They've got lessons for whips, ropes, knives, fire, needles... anything you need basically, and if you want to know what something feels like they'll show you then and there lol. They're all about getting people as worked into the lifestyle as possible. It's really cool!

Well congratulations for doing it Aly. It sounds like it could be scary but that it was a memorable experience. Do you plan to go to any of their other events, or was this a one-time thing?

I'd love to be involved in something like that but I think it would take some very gradual immersion just to get over the social fear and awkwardness. Maybe I'd be able to get over it enough if I went with like 3 friends. Otherwise, there's no way. But I'd love to be a fly-on-the-wall lol. Just looked up my own city and I guess there is a BDSM community with many different kinds of regular events. But yeah.... no way.

I really wanted to buy this pocket watch ( http://cdn-s3-2.wanelo.com/product/i...6/original.jpg )

But I'm pretty poor. ANd they're discontinued. So I'm making one instead. (using a bought pocketwatch base because me + mechanics = bad idea!)

Originally Posted by Dianeva

Well congratulations for doing it Aly. It sounds like it could be scary but that it was a memorable experience. Do you plan to go to any of their other events, or was this a one-time thing?

I'd love to be involved in something like that but I think it would take some very gradual immersion just to get over the social fear and awkwardness. Maybe I'd be able to get over it enough if I went with like 3 friends. Otherwise, there's no way. But I'd love to be a fly-on-the-wall lol. Just looked up my own city and I guess there is a BDSM community with many different kinds of regular events. But yeah.... no way.

Thank you! I'm definitely going to be visiting them again, I won't even have any anxiety about it next time. I don't think I've ever felt so welcome anywhere in my life. It was a completely free environment, no judgement of any kind.... Believe me, I checked lol. I can't wait to go to more events, I think I'm going to try to hit every single one of those restaurant meetups I can at least for a while. All the people in the group were just so happy. I wasn't the only newcomer totally buzzing on the amazing atmosphere.

Honestly, I felt the same way. I mean don't get me wrong, I still plan to take things slow. But I didn't even expect to really become a part of the group that quickly, but I was really getting to know people by the end of the night. When I first got there I sat in my car for like twenty minutes with my chest caving in at the thought of meeting so many people all at once in such a new setting, but that fear disappeared so fast when I got in. It really helped that they had everyone introduce and say something about themselves first thing, like everyone, even all the people who had been there from the start. Obviously not every group will be THAT friendly and open though, I got really lucky here. But I was pretty much planning to just watch from the sidelines at the start too, I even was talking to one of the group leaders about everything and I said "Yeah, I was pretty much just expecting to do the wallflower thing for a while." and it was immediately followed up by a chorus of "Well that's fine too, we love voyeurs here!"

I can really only tell you what I told tommo and Link, so if you are interested I'll just say keep your mind and your eyes open. You never know when you might be thrust into the right circumstances! And if you do ever go check it out, just try not to let yourself worry too much beforehand. That's asking a lot, I know, but just remember that everyone was new too at some point. No matter where you go there won't be a person who didn't have to go through the same process before, and as long as it's a group that would be worth joining anyway, they'll look out for you. It's stressful going in but it's totally worth it if you find the perfect place for you.

i completely fucked up my ankle. i don't know how i did it, i just noticed about a week ago that my right ankle was irritating me after my workouts. i didn't think much of it because a lot of the times the irritation goes away after a few days. but when i woke up in the morning my ankle would hurt every time i put weight on it, my ankle is also swollen. i really hate being injured because it takes a long time for the injury to heal and when it finally does heal, any little thing could re-injure it again.


stuck indoors with nothing to do.

There's no way to properly convey what I want to rant about. I've been trying for hours and it doesn't work. The emotions I want to express are too abstract for words.

I'll just say this instead. I love you all so much. I hope you all get everything you want out of life some day. I'll be here cheering you on from the sidelines in the meantime.

But for now, I think it's time for me to shut down for the night. Sweet dreams, DV.

I was just rudely awakened by the stench from a skunk behind the house. I fired a few rounds from the shotgun to scare it off, but the stink lingers.

...off to find my smudge.

Rant: Someone has been stealing packages from my sister. She is pregnant and does not have a lot of money, so any bit that goes missing is demoralizing and a bit of a blow. I'd like to beat up the person who is doing it.

Raves: My brother had a beautiful wedding! Really fantastic I went to IKEA for the first time yesterday and saw a damaged shelf for fifty dollars off that really isn't that damaged, so in total it was ninety bucks for a new bookshelf that we desperately needed. All of our books barely fit on it I might post a pic later in PPEL.