Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

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Originally Posted by tommo

They're just fucking idiots basically. There's no rational reason and you shouldn't try looking for one. They're bullies in a position of minor power and it goes to their head.

Why doesn't your bf come to Canada instead?

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Looking for what?

Because he was just here for 4 months and doesn't want to come here for so long again since my parents are hard to be around. And he isn't in school and needs to work, while I'm still taking online courses and plan to go to school. I'm thinking of submitting a complaint or making an appeal to this company that specializes in letting people through the border if they've been wrongfully denied, but assuming that doesn't work out he is planning to move to Washington, which is right below BC, and getting a job there.

Well I send my old motherboard in and got an totally new one as exchange, I put it into my PC... and SURPRISE! Still nothing at all.
I don't believe a brand new motherboard will be defect just like that, especially not the same extremely unlikely defect again, the chance for that is so low I wouldn't even want to count the zeros.
On the other hand I checked the PSU multiple times and even bridged all necessary cables manually and they work.
Not even the professionals have any idea apart from the motherboard done for which I just don't want to believe... Not again, not a brand new one... Well today I'll check it with a different PSU, maybe there's some kinda magic going on there, who knows :?

People may have worse problems but being without my main working tool for so incredibly long kills all my plans, and I just barely get anything done... FML, seriously

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

Because I brought like 10 different documents:

My passport
My birth certificate
A letter from my school indicating I plan to enroll in September
A letter from my parents saying they'd financially take care of me if I were to run into trouble or needed assistance, and that they intend me to return.
Proof that I've bought health insurance for the trip.
A letter from my bank indicating my balance.
My care card.
My social insurance card.
My driver's license (which I got just for this)
My return ticket.

The first time, they told me I needed to bring some evidence of my ties to Canada and then come back, and specifically said a letter from my parents, my bank account and a driver's license would probably be good. Why would I not have retried? And yes. Trying does fucking hurt. Being held up for four hours in constant anxiety and waiting while they interrogate me and basically emotionally torture me, and then being told basically I can't see the person I love for i have no idea how long, when I thought I'd see him tonight. It's his birthday in a week and that's now ruined, and he just bought a $950 computer just so that we'd both have one while I was there. They basically told me I shouldn't bother coming back again unless I have a steady job or am actually enrolled in courses which I've paid for already that I need to be in Canada for.

It doesn't make any sense. Anyone could go through the normal custom's lineup and pretend they're going on some little trip and then cancel their return flight and be an illegal immigrant. I went through all that shit, went to the trouble of getting all those documents, spent 6 hours with the custom's people total, and they still told me I couldn't go through. They have more proof that I'm going to return to Canada than they have that some other random person who gets through in 10 seconds is going to return.

I don't know how I'm even typing and arguing. No one be mean to me please, just don't argue. I'd say I'm irrational now so there's no point anyway. I feel like absolute shit already, I haven't been able to stop crying since before even leaving the custom's place and my head is pounding.

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ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THEY NEED ALL THAT EVIDENCE??? To know if you have ties with Canada and proof that you will come back and have money enough?... I'm sorry girl but these peoples are fucking with ya, i know what is evidence and what is not, > fucking ties with Canada? tell em you got the damn passport and birth certificate, sin card too, and the ticket and only bring cash with you and state you have cash for currency exchange only. They don't need to know your damn bank info etc etc personal stuff. That's bull crap, ties with muthafucking canada is a muthafuckin passport that is still valid and a damn sin card, what else they need to have? god damn it. i swear.
How about leaving a damn personal item with them and tell em you will be right back to get it once you go back to Canada, and if they lose it, it will be on their responsibility not yours because they want proof that you will go back.....HA try swallowing that.

bitcoins are a really interesting concept
it's a shame people either use them to buy drugs & child porn
or build massive rigs so they can become the "richest", defeating the purpose of decentralization
i was honestly shocked that they got up to 250 -- i figured it would crash at 100. some people seem to be so deeply invested in the idea that they will risk losing it all just to prove that their political/economic beliefs are correct.
still wish i had bought some when they were 5 cents a piece -_-

rant of my own --
my mother has recently moved to a small town about 100 miles northwest of here. i am happy for her -- after a long and miserable time she is beginning to get her life in order -- but I miss her, and it is so difficult for me to see her now.
i don't drive, so i have to take the bus. assuming no delays (of course weather in northern ontario is not always great) the bus ride takes about 4 and a half hours. fare is upwards of 70 dollars.
these logistical difficulties are annoying. but what is more salient is that i am alone
when i walk through downtown, past the row of dilapidated houses where we used to live, the streets feel empty, and imperceptibly altered, as if in a dream. there is nowhere to go anymore, nowhere to hide.

**hugs for Dianeva**


I can't imagine having to deal with that kind of stress.


The only thing I can guess is they believe you will come here and then try to stay illegally by altering your appearance and taking on a new identity. In their minds it's easy for a young woman to do this.

Their paranoia has destroyed their humanity, and innocent people pay the price.

I do hope you find a way to be together.

The best thing I could suggest, at this point, is try to get a highly visible sponsor to vouch for your arrival and return. Your BF here might be able to help achieve this. It's a longshot but any positive attempt beats drinking in defeat.

You already know your boyfriend considers you worthy. :)

Sometimes, just sometimes ... I wonder if I am a drunk.

Brand new PSU, brand new Mainboard and for fucks sake both PSUs I tried work, I went through all possible tests and even the real professional support from the mainboard manufacturer told me what I didn't want to hear, the new motherboard has apparently in fact the same problem as the previous one, just not after 21 months of use, but right out of the packaging. I can't believe that this incredibly ridiculously unlikely thing actually happened, inconveniencing me to no end as I'll be unable to work for even longer as I send in the new Motherboard again. I know people here have worse problems and I wish all you people the luck you need and deserve, as much as I'd wish not to be as unlucky as I'm right now which I also feel I don't deserve. FML again...

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Originally Posted by fiftybirds

bitcoins are a really interesting concept
it's a shame people either use them to buy drugs & child porn
or build massive rigs so they can become the "richest", defeating the purpose of decentralization
i was honestly shocked that they got up to 250 -- i figured it would crash at 100. some people seem to be so deeply invested in the idea that they will risk losing it all just to prove that their political/economic beliefs are correct.
still wish i had bought some when they were 5 cents a piece -_-

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Mining is the central aspect of bitcoin. You can't think they're a good idea without mining lol
Also the only people who have large stashes from mining are the people who got in REALLY early, like 4-5 years ago.
The more mining power there is, and the less blocks are left (21million possible, we are at 11million now), the more difficult it is to mine. So people buy better GPU's and now ASIC's (basically custom cards with specialised algorithms and hardware).
But lots of people are doing the same thing, so they won't be getting much extra BTC for very long because the difficulty increases.

It is the complete opposite of centralisation. They are spread out evenly. The miners are aware that if anyone gets too much mining power the entire thing is fucked, so they spread out and go in to different pools to avoid any one getting too much power.

Also nobody uses it for CP. Even if they do, more people use normal money for it, so it's completely irrelevant.
As for drugs, regardless of what you think of them (obviously not too highly) they are the only thing which kept the currency alive this long.
Silk Road saved bitcoins from going under.

So, first this:

Spoiler for Sort of old responses:

Sorry it took forever for me to get to these you guys, I've been really busy this week. In order to avoid repeating myself over and over again, I'm going to respond to all of them as one.

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Originally Posted by Linkzelda

You're not alone, don't forget about your friends who are rooting for you no matter what obstacle you must overcome.

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Originally Posted by SilentEternity

If you have difficulty convincing yourself, don't hesitate to let others help you.

If you have Skype, I'll assist if you so desire - though I am hardly a professional.

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Originally Posted by khh

I know the feeling Aly, I really do. It sucks, and it's very tiring. But if you wait it goes away, for a while at least.

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Originally Posted by Tiresias

Offering my listening services if you need it. I tend to be really good at putting perspective on things. Hope you sort your situation out.

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Thanks again, everyone. :hug: Like I said before, I am feeling a bit better now, but I am still kind of depressed. I think a lot of it is coming from school stress because I've had tons of projects due all at once and still have a few left, and a lot of them have been group projects that aren't going as well as I hoped. I've also just been going through a lot of emotional stuff lately which doesn't help when stacked on top of everything else....

SilentEternity, I don't have Skype, but I do have some IM programs like Google Talk if you'd like to chat some time. Any advice you could give would be appreciated.

Tiresias, the same goes to you, or if you'd like I could send you a PM. I'd rather not go into it in the thread.

And again, I appreciate the thoughts, you guys. :)

Then these:

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

Didn't get through customs.

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That sucks ass. :blue: You should definitely submit that complaint or something if you haven't already because that's completely ridiculous.... :/

Either way, I hope it all gets worked out pretty soon. :hug:

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Originally Posted by GavinGill

For a while now I've also had a feeling that I won't live much longer. Weird, I know. I fully intend to be around as long as possible but idk, I sort of fear I won't live to see 30 for some reason. Tbh, I'd be happy if I at least hit 25.

Aaaannndddd I'm still not sober. I felt like I was for a few days but then the high crept back in slowly. Just an hour or two a day for like a week, and it's been steadily building since. There's no way that's normal (last I ate anything was like a gram of high grade back in like February or maybe the beginning of March) but it's not much of an issue. Either the bud is still somehow in my system, or my brain is somehow recreating the feeling of the high for some odd reason.

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I can relate. I used to be convinced that I would die before ever being able to achieve anything. I don't know how much it will actually put your mind at peace, but I mean... no one knows when they're going to die. You might be right, but you'll never know either way unless it doesn't happen. So there's not really any point in dwelling on it, we could all walk outside and get hit by a bus today.

Also... that's odd. o.O Do you get triggered into different moods or emotional states by stuff easily? Your mind certainly has the ability to recreate those feelings.

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Originally Posted by khh

Sometimes, just sometimes ... I wonder if I am a drunk.

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Do you feel relieved whenever you start drinking again? That's usually my addiction sign lol.

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Now this:

My rant is that I have so little self control that it's painful. I'm not going to go very deep into it, but basically it's become clear that I walk a fine line between horribly depressed and intensely stimulated. Sometimes I really think I should be on some kind of mood stabilizer. Or I at least need to learn how to slow myself down....

Well all along I believed it wasn't the new motherboard, and I figured out it indeed wasn't. My persistency in testing revealed that the motherboard is working.
Right before I was going to package it to send it back. I'm currently trying to analyze the problem but it's something extremely abstract and weird. I can tell because all components work and there are no shaky contacts and YET at one point the whole setup stops working. My theory is that there's some kind of weird electrical interference in one place preventing the motherboard from bridging the necessary contacts. But there's nothing touching the motherboard anywhere... There just seems to be no logical reason to my problem but at least I narrowed it down a lot, and I hope to be able to get my PC running alone somehow the next days... This is an insanely difficult quiz, I've been crushing my mind for days now and even though I know quite a lot about PCs and stuff I have no clue yet.

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Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Also... that's odd. o.O Do you get triggered into different moods or emotional states by stuff easily? Your mind certainly has the ability to recreate those feelings.

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Sort of, but only when I want to. Like if I'm listening to a song, I'll turn this dial in the back of my mind that sort of "turns up" whichever emotions I'm experiencing. But I don't think it's just that, because my face puffs up a tiny bit and my eyes go slightly red and squinty as well. Pupils dilate too.

EDIT: I did a few searches and the closest thing I could find was a condition known as "wet brain."

Wernicke

Wernicke's encephalopathy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Symptoms:

1. confusion - Idk, sort of depends on how you define it I guess...
2. nystagmus (involuntary eye movement) - Not sure if I've experienced that, but I think there were a few times a few weeks back where my eyes sort of "shook" for a split second
3. ophthalmoplegia (impaired eye movement) - Haven't noticed any of this
4. anisocoria (unequal size of pupils) - Don't think so .-.
5. ataxia (lack of muscle coordination) - Kind of, sometimes it's normal but other times it's kind of off. I thought it might just be because I'm underweight and my muscles are weaker atm
6. sluggish pupillary reflexes - I think so. When I turn on the bathroom light at night, I've noticed my pupils take a little longer than they used to to go smaller.
7. eyelid drooping - Yup
8. changes in vision - Sort of. Sometimes it's normal, but sometimes it becomes the way it is when you smoke bud (everything looks like it's in HD)
8. memory impairment - Haven't noticed any of that.

Some of the symptoms match up a bit, but then again, those same symptoms could be attributed to being high as well. But since a normal high isn't supposed to last this long... ._.

Google The Almighty says it can be caused by heavy drinking and malnourishment (thiamine deficiency). I don't drink alcohol, but I am underweight, so I guess you could make a case for malnourishment. I didn't eat much these last three weeks, mainly because my sleep cycle has been so off that I've been missing meals, but also due to depression. Hell, that might be why my sleep cycle's been screwy.

So... life just dropped a bit of a bomb on me today. My lungs, my weight, my muscles, and now possibly my brain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvqJ1mTkEuY

Anyway, gonna take a shower and then watch some Walking Dead. Gonna have to visit the doctor's office tomorrow (hopefully they're open on Sundays). Feed me your sympathy so that I may feast upon your delicious pity.

dat sustenance.

*twitches* medical nerd mode activate

wernicke's encephalopathy is a life-threatening condition which requires hospital care. it is characterized by severe amnesia and disorientation... not "i'm tired and i forgot where i put my keys"... it is more like "short term memory utterly destroyed, can't remember anything that's happened in the past 10 years". people typically get it in cases of severe alcoholism where they are consuming absurd amounts of ethanol, not eating anything else, and have other systemic diseases resulting from this... occasionally you will also see it in very severe anorexia nervosa or people with mental illness who are unable to maintain a normal diet (read a case report about it developing in a schizophrenic guy who consumed nothing but soda for months and months).

i am not a doctor but trust me, you haven't got it.

a couple good articles on the subject
Wernicke's encephalopathy:
Non-alcoholic Wernicke's encephalopathy: broadening the clinicoradiological spectrum
"Non-alcoholic WE manifests in many different clinical settings, such as gastrointestinal tumours, [chronic uncontrollable vomiting], chemotherapy, acquired immunodeficiency syndrome, prolonged therapeutic fasting, prolonged parenteral nutrition and bariatric surgery, anorexia nervosa and can even be secondary to socioeconomic factors [i.e. starvation due to poverty]"

i guess my point is... don't freak yourself out. your symptoms are likely due to something easily treatable, not a rare disease that occurs in the chronically ill. just ask your doctor about it tomorrow... get some blood tests done... anxiety will just make you feel worse.

end nerd mode

...Why are you self-diagnosing?

It's a horrific idea.

Especially if you're just searching things on the internet.

You're my favorite little nerd. But I'm about as thin as those skeletal Ethiopian children they show on tv to guilt money out of you so that "you will also see it in very severe anorexia nervosa" bit is still a little concerning. I went about a month or two eating nothing but a burger a day, with nothing but a protein shake or two for the last 3 weeks. But but but you're probably right, you clearly know more about this than I do. In hindsight, Wiki and self assessments probably don't mix.

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Originally Posted by SilentEternity

It's a horrific idea.

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You're a horrific idea, son! D:<

EDIT: The kid across the street just dented the door of his parents' van with one of those pucks you play street hockey with. I can see him through the window, he looks pretty scared. He's Indian too, so he's probably gonna get his ass kicked. I told him not to fuck around when the cars where out in the driveway. Gonna ask him about it tomorrow and laugh.

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Originally Posted by GavinGill

You're my favorite little nerd.

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http://i.imgur.com/e76n7B7.gif

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Originally Posted by GavinGill

I'm about as thin as those skeletal Ethiopian children they show on tv to guilt money out of you so that "you will also see it in very severe anorexia nervosa" bit is still a little concerning. I went about a month or two eating nothing but a burger a day, with nothing but a protein shake or two for the last 3 weeks.

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a burger still contains nutrients though. not a lot, but they're there, and it's enough for your body to survive on for a while. although your eating habits would definitely predispose you to other medical problems... if you've been eating like that for a while you're probably deficient in something or other (betting on B12!!!) and it's enough to make you feel like shit and have weird stuff going on
but WE/korsakoff's syndrome is something you can safely cross off your list.
(why have you been eating like that? feeling nauseous? low appetite? just distracted? you need food, man. for your body)

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Originally Posted by GavinGill

In hindsight, Wiki and self assessments probably don't mix.

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very very true. if i have a cold i will end up convincing myself i have aids or ebola or something. just take care of yourself and see a non-internet doctor when stuff is weird

Yes if you only had burgers and protein shakes I would say b12 deficiency too, it's the most common one. Eat a shit load of mushrooms and proper meat (not whatever they put in hamburgers). Maybe Vitamin K too (source: I saw this on House, woman ate nothing but hamburgers and had a Vitamin K deficiency :lol:).

StaySharp, have you tried removing the motherboard and check to see if all the rubber contacts are in place? If they aren't, it can bridge with the case where the screws go in.

Gavin, just out of curiosity, are there even any negative symptoms? I'm not sure I've heard you mention any lol. I mean I get freaking out about it if you're really anxious or paranoid or in pain when it happens... but if you're just feeling out of it, you probably just need to take care of yourself better and work on your nutrition as has been said. You can't just expect to keep feeling healthy and focused all the time if you don't play the part.

And by the way, not getting good sleep increases CB1 receptor density and not eating increases endocannabinoid release, so the more you avoid both the easier it's probably going to be for you to compare your feelings to a high.

More border rant stuff:

The more I look up similar stories about other people who have been denied at border crossings, the less likely it seems that I'll ever be able to enter the US again, or at least not in the next few years. Once you've been denied once, it seems to become exponentially less likely that you'll be permitted access each time you try. And after the second time it seems virtually impossible, like they've already decided you aren't getting in, and even with the best proofs of ties to Canada that you can present, they're still going to find something wrong with it or say it's lacking and turn you back. I'd be afraid to try again even if I had a job and was enrolled in school, because after being denied twice, unless they decided to allow me in, I'd be afraid of being banned for 5 years which is what they sometimes do.

This is very depressing. It's not like I merely can't go on vacation anymore and can ignore it and say I'm done with the US, which is what a lot of people ended up doing in the stories I read. It isn't just a slight inconvenience to my life. US travel is a big part of my life. My boyfriend lives in the US and we want to spend as much time together as possible. It is hard for us to be away from one another even for the three weeks it's been. Right now, the plan is that he'll get a job where he lives, and he'll save up a few thousand dollars. Once he does that, he'll either try to get a work visa in Canada, or move to Washington and get a job there. The work visa probably won't work out, since he only has a technical school diploma in Welding and not a full degree, which is the standard for where he lives, but in Canada you generally need at least a two-year degree and to have specific Canadian certifications. And if he moves to Washington, he'll only be able to visit me while he isn't working, on weekends or something, and I wouldn't dare try to cross the border to visit him.

There are other problems concerning the future. We plan to get married someday, and the plan was that I was going to move to the US with him when I'm finished with my school, mostly because he has a big family and considers it important that he stay with them, while I wouldn't mind moving away from my family at all. I'm worried now that this border problem has screwed up my entire life. If I'm never allowed in the US again, or even for a few years, I don't know how I'm ever going to get the required fiance visa when I'm finished with my degree. I'm guessing they'd deny me that too.

It seems like the only thing I can do now is to wait for a long time, perhaps years, until after I've gotten my degree and get a job. Then hope that I'm let through the border. In the meantime, I won't be able to go anywhere, on vacation or anything, because pretty much everywhere I might go has a connecting flight through the US. I won't be able to spend an extended amount of time with my boyfriend for years, unless he somehow can get a work visa. It's just so depressing. I can hardly believe this is really happening. It feels like something I'd expect to happen in North Korea or a George Orwell world or something. It's just a fucked up system in which they consider you guilty until you're proven innocent. The security became more intense after 9/11, but the issue of worrying that I'm going to immigrate illegally has nothing to do with terrorism.

Uh dianeva. Hop the border? Like all mexicans do? Must be alot easier doing it from canada. FUCK the system.

I don't know if you're serious or not, but there's no way I'm going to do anything illegal and risk being banned for life, or more likely jailed for life.

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Originally Posted by fiftybirds

(why have you been eating like that? feeling nauseous? low appetite? just distracted? you need food, man. for your body)

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I started losing weight when I quit smoking marijuana, I was depending on that to keep my appetite up. Then I switched to edibles for a while and I was doing alright, but I started to lose my appetite again and I was sleeping through meals (dat depression) so I started to lose weight. I also had to stop all forms of physical activity for a few months because my lungs kept collapsing. It took about two to three weeks to recover each time it happened. So it was kind of a clusterfuck of everything that lasted a fair number of months that all led up to this fdgkjfdagka.

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Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Gavin, just out of curiosity, are there even any negative symptoms? I'm not sure I've heard you mention any lol. I mean I get freaking out about it if you're really anxious or paranoid or in pain when it happens... but if you're just feeling out of it, you probably just need to take care of yourself better and work on your nutrition as has been said. You can't just expect to keep feeling healthy and focused all the time if you don't play the part.

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Idk, I think it's just the fact that I don't know what "normal" is anymore that had me worried. I feel dumbed down, like I'm not processing information the way I should be or the way I used to. And I'm uncoordinated as fuck, my walk is all... weird now. But you guys are right, it's probably just malnourishment.

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Originally Posted by Alyzarin

And by the way, not getting good sleep increases CB1 receptor density and not eating increases endocannabinoid release, so the more you avoid both the easier it's probably going to be for you to compare your feelings to a high.

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dat knowledge
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m08817qofa1qgppkx.gif

@ Dianeva: Maybe email your local MLA? That's what my aunt did when ran into border trouble.

Well as far as I know when people get caught illegally crossing the border from mexico they just put them on a bus and ship them back to mexico. And if they get deported it's the same. If you want to wait around for years go for it.

I start school again tomorrow! Not looking forward to it! I mean, I know once I go back I'll probably be fine with it, but right now I'm just too adjusted to not being at school! Also I really don't have long left at this school, it's kind of amazing how quick everything's gone by, it's kind of sad.

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Originally Posted by tommo

StaySharp, have you tried removing the motherboard and check to see if all the rubber contacts are in place? If they aren't, it can bridge with the case where the screws go in.

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Actually the motherboard, the case and the screws all are obviously designed so it gets bridged, it's completely impossible to prevent that from happening. Even if that would be a problem it would be a different one because the psu didn't turn on in the first place and it is being turned on by bridging a contact, so... Also I already went through all the electrical properties, and so far that didn't make much more sense. But anyway, I found the issue I think and am now posting with my normal PC again which is awesome, I already posted in the counterpart of this thread. The interference seemed to be caused by one of the fans, more precisely the connector.

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Originally Posted by Dianeva

I don't know if you're serious or not, but there's no way I'm going to do anything illegal and risk being banned for life, or more likely jailed for life.

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You're already basically banned for life. You won't go to jail for life. How often would anyone ask to see your passport if you don't go on a plane?

(The answer is never).

Of course you couldn't stay there, but you could go for a while and then go back.

I dunno....

Edit for major rave!"!!!:!@:@w

I didn't get that job that I went for an interview for on Wednesday last week, but that same day I got an offer for a group interview/assessment for another place which I went to today. I actually did surprisingly well, we had to talk in front of people and everything (there were about 40 something people there) and I volunteered to speak coz I was feeling pretty confident. I guess I also have to thank my disorganisedness because I had stashes of Xanax all over my room that I had forgotten about, which is lucky coz I used what I thought was the last of it on the first interview.

Even if I don't get it, I think I did pretty damn well and I'm happy that I have improved so much. It's just so much more simple when you realise it's not the end of the world and everyone is just as nervous as you. I mean I've always known that, but I never really incorporated it into my consciousness.

I wasn't just relaxed because of the Xanax either, I mean I only took .25mg which is basically nothing, just enough to stave off the anxiety and allow me to think. It was mostly focusing on the environment and the other people instead of myself. And I made an idiot out of myself a couple of times but just laughed it off and it didn't matter at all.

It was weird having people look at me like I was confident LOL Never happened before.