Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

heh. I absolutely LOATHE crying. "You gonna cry?! I'll give you something to cry about!" It makes me feel weak. Or like I'm trying to get sympathy or attention from someone. And then my eyes get all dried out and I'm miserable until I go to sleep lol.
When I was a kid, crying in front of people was one of the things I punished myself for. It was actually one of my biggest punishments (several cuts).
My self training worked "wonderfully" too. I'm almost 40 and I rarely ever cry and almost NEVER in front of others. When I do, it's almost never "sobs"- just a couple silent tears.
But it's strange. When I'm VERY angry, I'll cry. There's no stopping those tears lol. My brother and my kids are all the same way.

My rant for the day: I am extremely sleepy, despite having gotten nearly 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I also broke down and asked hubby to buy me 6 e-cigarette packages because Exxon finally had the ones I use.
He gave me $100. but he's docking my allowance $50. for the next 2 weeks. Grrrr. I go through these things MUCH too quickly and I regret getting the 5 I did. I go through about 3 cartridges a day because I like feeling the vapor. I take about 3 quick puffs to warm up the cartridge and then I inhale regularly. Each package contains 5 cartridges.

I still haven't mopped. I'm about to do that after this post though or I never will. Hubby's sending me out for hotdogs at 9:00. I'll have it done before I leave.

I've been out of Cellexa for a couple of days. I can't be bothered to go to Wal-mart. BUT, I think I'm out of wipes. I'll go to the store for those, if I am :roll: But by the time I'll leave, the pharmacy will be closed.
Gah! I'm so weird lol.

Stating my rant for today....i don't need consolation though because i know what i'm going through!!
Today i had a trip, and everyone was sleeping a nap around 5pm, i was watching Swan lake ballet play on youtube and suddenly felt moody, and realized some parts made me cry. It suddenly reminded me of my past life, then i started questioning myself! Then asked a question to a automatic tarot reading site that lets you read your tarot and answer your questions. THEN! The question i asked was "When will "he" know who i really am?" like become spiritually awake of himself, because i am actually waiting for this guy to come to his senses after ALL the tarot reading and psychics been telling me he is realizing things about me.
Then i got stuck reading a friggin tarot card halfway of the reading saying "what is coming between us" is that "we both are trapped and can't move from where we are". I totally freaked out and started becoming sad and cried, i spent 10mins with my head down on my hands and just thoughts completely changed! I got up and i was near the kitchen, i stood and looked at the sink where the butcher knife was and i thought about killing myself!!
I became overcomed by these thoughts, and then i tried to move towards the area where the knife was and i COULDN'T MOVE!!! My mind kept thinking "No i want to just kill myself now and be rid of this trap we both have, and he will never come back anyways!!!"
So i spent fucking half hour trying to go towards the knife while my body went completely hard to move, i was forcing myself to go and there was this force that kept me from moving while i kept thinking of this knife to just end my life, then i hear him say no, and warned me many times not to and i got too stubborn-headed and never listened, i went finally near the sink and my arms went flabby like i can't control it!! My legs went like rubber as well, i kept fighting and when i reached for the knife i heard the neighbor's dog bark outside (which hasn't been out since fall) and i got a little control of my mind and started thinking way off map, and think it was him there outside! Then i said no, it's impossible! So i went back to the knife and i lost control, i started going down the floor and hanging on the counter sink edge and i was dangling on it while my legs were on the floor! Then i started having an attack (not seizures but something similar) I went on to the floor and started hyper ventilating like i was being killed or some force was forcing me hard down on the floor.
Then when i came almost off it, i was slithering towards the front door thinking and sensing he was there atm. Then i came off it, and took me 10mins to become normal again.
Then i started having telepathic communications with him, and some memories arise.
I know it's odd, but this happens like once a month or so. :s I continued my tarot reading and having the ending of that reading say that there will be happiness coming into this relationship O_o...

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Originally Posted by Zhaylin

heh. I absolutely LOATHE crying. "You gonna cry?! I'll give you something to cry about!" It makes me feel weak. Or like I'm trying to get sympathy or attention from someone. And then my eyes get all dried out and I'm miserable until I go to sleep lol.
When I was a kid, crying in front of people was one of the things I punished myself for. It was actually one of my biggest punishments (several cuts).
My self training worked "wonderfully" too. I'm almost 40 and I rarely ever cry and almost NEVER in front of others. When I do, it's almost never "sobs"- just a couple silent tears.
But it's strange. When I'm VERY angry, I'll cry. There's no stopping those tears lol. My brother and my kids are all the same way.

My rant for the day: I am extremely sleepy, despite having gotten nearly 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I also broke down and asked hubby to buy me 6 e-cigarette packages because Exxon finally had the ones I use.
He gave me $100. but he's docking my allowance $50. for the next 2 weeks. Grrrr. I go through these things MUCH too quickly and I regret getting the 5 I did. I go through about 3 cartridges a day because I like feeling the vapor. I take about 3 quick puffs to warm up the cartridge and then I inhale regularly. Each package contains 5 cartridges.

I still haven't mopped. I'm about to do that after this post though or I never will. Hubby's sending me out for hotdogs at 9:00. I'll have it done before I leave.

I've been out of Cellexa for a couple of days. I can't be bothered to go to Wal-mart. BUT, I think I'm out of wipes. I'll go to the store for those, if I am :roll: But by the time I'll leave, the pharmacy will be closed.
Gah! I'm so weird lol.

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When i was younger like 5-12, whenever i cried and others seen me i would feel embarrassed! Crying for me is like my own enemy in front of others or students! If i cry i just want to go somewhere else alone and not have someone make fun of me.

Zhaylin, seriously, you and I have so much in common, when I read your posts I'm like "wtf, this sounds me!"

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That's a tough discussion. I value logic more than emotion. But DO I really? I've written of this before. I avoid confrontation. Period. I will immediately go into submission/subservience 90% of the time.

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Same! In order to have a calm day, I must avoid any kind of confrontation. At my work, I'm so polite and nice to the clients who are trying to yell at me (because they're ignorant), that they literally are like "oh...okay....I'm sorry thanks for helping me". To my supervisors, I'm such a delight that they have a great positive impression and trust on me. The ironic thing: I could care less if they and their children died in a car crash. I'm somewhat a perfect faker, to the point where I'm even thinking if my smile sounds truth and sincere (the whole body language system). This has got me some problems though: I'm a perfect anti-social person without any friends because I don't feel the need or desire for company. The only person I can stand talking to is a guy I met online who I talk through phone text messages for....12 years now iirc. But just the fact of being too friendly makes people think I genuinely like them and want to hear what they want to say. At least you don't have that in the internet: when you talk to people is because you want to, not because they trapped you in the elevator. Who hates being trapped in social interactions?! It's awful -.-

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But it's strange. When I'm VERY angry, I'll cry. There's no stopping those tears lol. My brother and my kids are all the same way.

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Same. When I was younger, just a heated discussion made tears start flooding my face. Was actually pretty embarrassing. When I'm angry, I start getting my eyes wet, which I hate, but in the last years I learned to fix that. But once again, I get nervous by pretty much every social interaction, but no one notices.

Mini rant: My doctor gave me a letter to perform a brain scan and some other tests at a specialized hospital a few weeks ago. I was supposed to perform those tests, schedule some consults, and increase medication for insomnias and other problems. I haven't done any of these and I'm seriously considering ignoring all of it. Some doctors these days -.-

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Originally Posted by zoth00

At my work, I'm so polite and nice to the clients who are trying to yell at me (because they're ignorant), that they literally are like "oh...okay....I'm sorry thanks for helping me". To my supervisors, I'm such a delight that they have a great positive impression and trust on me. The ironic thing: I could care less if they and their children died in a car crash. I'm somewhat a perfect faker, to the point where I'm even thinking if my smile sounds truth and sincere (the whole body language system). This has got me some problems though: I'm a perfect anti-social person without any friends because I don't feel the need or desire for company. The only person I can stand talking to is a guy I met online who I talk through phone text messages for....12 years now iirc. But just the fact of being too friendly makes people think I genuinely like them and want to hear what they want to say. At least you don't have that in the internet: when you talk to people is because you want to, not because they trapped you in the elevator. Who hates being trapped in social interactions?! It's awful -.-

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Wow, I'm exactly like that. I was like the ultimate shitty customer handler at my work.
It annoys me coz people being angry or whatever is the least threatening thing I could possibly think of.
If I don't know them well, anyway. But I'll get anxious when people are normal.
I think maybe it has something to do with knowing that people really just overreact, and when they're angry they're just vulnerable, not threatening or strong.
I dunno.

I also just don't give a fuck about people unless I know them well. So that probably helps as well.

Anyway, rant....

This is going to be rather vague. But I fucking hate that people can't see the situation they are in for what it is.
It's like a limitation on our brains and it's a real struggle to see the big picture.
From the outside it is 100% obvious that this guy is going to be an abusive POS scumbag, but the girl has no idea.
And if I say anything, she's just gonna hate me because she can't see what I see at all, from the outside.
And if he isn't abusive, he's just gonna be a massive burden coz he's going to be pretty much exactly like her ex bf.

I don't mean to be sexist here, coz it's just an observation, but I've seen this at least 3 times.
Girls FINALLY fucking break up with a total jackass after months (or years, in one case) of complaining and
me telling them that they need to leave the dickheads, and then shortly after they end up with someone
who's pretty much exactly the same. HOW DO THEY NOT SEE THIS!????

I mean it might be the same with guys, but I haven't really had as much observational experience with that,
coz most of my friends have been girls.

It's just frustrating that there's really nothing you can do to make them see.

i'd think that after several months (maybe even years?) my neighbors would get tired of listened to the same 5 songs. but nope.

heh, but that's where we're different, Zoth. I don't wish bad things on anyone :chuckle:
Humility isn't the right word (after all, if you "think" you're humble, you're not at all... right lol). But part of my "training" when a kid was to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Thinking poorly of someone was punishable. I mean, I have my human moments of "Wow, what a jerk!" or "Someone's having a bad day!" but that's about where the negativity ends.

I am SO ridiculous that I feel bad for insulting or thinking poorly about non-living things. In the bathroom, we have a ventilation fan. I HATE that thing. I NEVER turn it on. But my son always does. I'm always irritated when I enter the bathroom and it's running. I'll think "Good God, I hate that thing!" But immediately after, I think (and sometimes actually say lol) "No offence. You're just doing your job. But why do you have to be so loud?" :cackle:
I have a hard time throwing things away for that reason too. LOGICALLY, I know it's non-living. It has no feelings. It can't even think. But to throw it away would be to hurt its feelings or to say it's useless/worthless :roll:

I can remember thinking that way since I was very little. I broke into someone's shed and painting it for them lol. My mom scrubbed me with a brillo pad but all I could think about was my poor clothes which had to be thrown away.

Gah.

My rant for the day is that I have reflux. I woke up with it. I'm fine unless I belch lol

My lack of wisdom teeth hurts.

I need some guidance in my life :/

I have no idea what to do about this degree. Get it over with now or try to change my major and go for an AS. I know an AS is better than an AA but is there really much difference when it comes to trying to get a job at that level? Will I have better luck with an AS or an AAS? I know that going beyond those are far better, but currently, those aren't options. I'm hoping to continue down that path in the future though.

I regret that I avoided taking any math and science courses. >.< stupid me.

The only problem is that if I try to get an AS or an AAS then I will basically be putting myself back in school another year.

Anyone have some input that might help me make this decision? I would totally post in the help forum but umm... that stuff takes too long to get approved (no offense, it just sucks when you need help now rather than later).

I've got these two kiddos to take care of and will probably end up taking courses while working, too. So, I know I have to take that into account. But if a degree will help me make more money for these little guys, then I will deal.

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Originally Posted by Suena

I need some guidance in my life :/
Anyone have some input that might help me make this decision? I would totally post in the help forum but umm... that stuff takes too long to get approved (no offense, it just sucks when you need help now rather than later).
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You can always post in the HELP section. We'll get that approved quickly, or you can send me a PM to make it happen.

It's your future...I can only suggest that you get out of it what you put into it. It may be hard now but it's even harder to go back later. I know from experience.

*hugs*

Suena, I don't know what AS and AAS mean, but is this still for Graphic Design? I can't remember if you were still doing that or not.
If so, seriously DO NOT GO TO SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER YEAR! It is totally and utterly pointless, no one gives a flying fuck how much schooling you have done.
Build up your portfolio and make it epic, build a simple website portfolio, and start looking for jobs.


Sort of a rave.... I guess.... kinda just laughing my arse off at something haha
So after my rant last night, some other guy who knows a girl on here, assumed I was talking about them for some reason and
he PM'ed me about it o.O :cackle:
One of the best lines was "I'm nothing like her ex, He was a control freak" LOLLLL
Meanwhile he is scouring the forums for stuff which may be about her.

WTF? The absurdity of some people continually amazes me.

Ok, he apologised for the confusion, all's well.

I love you. I really do... most of the time. I enjoy seeing you.... once a year. Honestly, a picture will suffice. But the point is I love you. I just don't want you in my house. Go away. You don't need to be at my party. Mine. Send a card. Make a phone call. Hell, a Facebook message is awesome. Just... don't come here. For the love of all that is good and served with a side of fries, DO NOT COME HERE!!! This is all I have. My sanctuary. My peace. My freaking Bat Cave!! GET OUT OF MY BAT CAVE YOU BIG, FREE FOOD WANTING ASSES!!

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Originally Posted by Lumenia

I love you. I really do... most of the time. I enjoy seeing you.... once a year. Honestly, a picture will suffice. But the point is I love you. I just don't want you in my house. Go away. You don't need to be at my party. Mine. Send a card. Make a phone call. Hell, a Facebook message is awesome. Just... don't come here. For the love of all that is good and served with a side of fries, DO NOT COME HERE!!! This is all I have. My sanctuary. My peace. My freaking Bat Cave!! GET OUT OF MY BAT CAVE YOU BIG, FREE FOOD WANTING ASSES!!

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And that's why you don't have parties. Waste of money and it's just stressful making sure people don't break/steal shit.
Every party I've had has gone wrong in some way. Broken stuff, stolen stuff, mess everywhere etc. Fuck. that. shit.

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Originally Posted by tommo

And that's why you don't have parties. Waste of money and it's just stressful making sure people don't break/steal shit.
Every party I've had has gone wrong in some way. Broken stuff, stolen stuff, mess everywhere etc. Fuck. that. shit.

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Last time I held a party, an ass decided to commit the biggest acts of terrorism we've had in Norway since World War 2, kinda putting a damper on the mood.

Oh wow. Well, it appears you've one-upped me. And probably most parties ever.

What was that like? WAs it near you?

Rant:
It sucks that most of the people I like live in different countries. Just drunk having heaps of fun on the internet and then in Left 4 Dead and then go to take a piss and realise I'm really alone.

:hug: Suena. I know nothing about school or education. I wish I could give you some awesome words of wisdom. But I can't. So I'll just send an extra :hug: your way.

:hug: everyone else.

My rant is that I just friggin woke up. I was in bed by 2AM. My brain was racing and I didn't fall asleep until at least 3AM. Then I woke in excruciating pain because I was sleeping on my ear. I woke up at other times with aches from laying on one side or another for too long. I really need to break down and let out some of the air in my mattress. Why is that so hard for me to do lol

Ugh, and when I first laid down to sleep, the strangest thing happened. I could feel my pulse in my inner thighs (about half way between my knees and crotch). Whenever I'd put my hand to it, I couldn't feel it anymore. As much as I complain about my racing pulse, it comforts me. When I lay down to sleep, I can feel it (without trying to) beating strong and fast in my neck and chest.
I've never felt it in my thighs though. Ever. lol. I blame it on my e-cig, from which I took a few tokes while laying down. I felt VERY sick last night.
I'm sure I had a minor Nicotine overdose. I've never paid any attention to the packaging before, except for one time I noticed they were nicotine free. The ones I'm currently using are "High Nicotine". I go through about 2-3 cartridges a day and I'm also still smoking my Marlboros (greatly reduced however. I'll have one every 1-3 hours instead of 3-4 an hour).

I'm also grumbly about my dream recall. I had awesome dreams last night. But they were so frickin confusing. There were dreams within dreams within dreams. I character hopped a lot. Now my memory or the dreams are crap.

I'm also irritated that I failed to pick up my Celexa. I might've already ranted about this lol. I know I wrote it in my Log. But I've been without it for several days now and my adrenaline surges are back in force. My mouth constantly tingles. My thoughts are racing like mad. I even shed some tears last night.
I WILL pick the script up tomorrow. I WILL do proper shopping tomorrow. I WILL NOT buy any cigarettes.

In other news, I finally got my WoW Druid maxed out at 90 :banana:
Now.. to apply that determination to cleaning my house :D

My glasses broke. My mother and I was out on a walk with my sisters dog, when he ran and I lost my grip on the line. I bent down to pick it up, but my mother had already got it. When the line was pulled taut it hit my glasses and tore them from my head, and simultaneously knocked my mother off balance so she took a step forwards and stepped on them. She'll pay for new ones, but I really liked those glasses.

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Originally Posted by tommo

Oh wow. Well, it appears you've one-upped me. And probably most parties ever.

What was that like? WAs it near you?

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There was a bombing at the centre of Oslo, I (and my friends) live in the outskirts. However about half the people I invited couldn't make it because they were scared, or because of the confusion and the slight breakdown in public transportation. We also heard some rumours that someone was shooting youth at an island, but didn't really know what was going on. The total death toll was 77, 8 killed and around 30 wounded in the bombing and 69 people shot to death and 66 wounded in the shooting. A relative of one my friends who I invited were among those wounded, though we didn't know it at that time.
I haven't held a party since...

Had a great time at a family easter party, but my mind was still somewhere else, was thinking of someone else, and wondering if he is thinking of me too? :\

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Originally Posted by khh

There was a bombing at the centre of Oslo, I (and my friends) live in the outskirts. However about half the people I invited couldn't make it because they were scared, or because of the confusion and the slight breakdown in public transportation. We also heard some rumours that someone was shooting youth at an island, but didn't really know what was going on. The total death toll was 77, 8 killed and around 30 wounded in the bombing and 69 people shot to death and 66 wounded in the shooting. A relative of one my friends who I invited were among those wounded, though we didn't know it at that time.
I haven't held a party since...

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Oh I remember it lol It was all over the news here ya know, was just wondering if it was close, but I suppose Norway is pretty small anyway.
You should really have another party, it's not like there's any correlation.

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Originally Posted by tommo

Oh I remember it lol It was all over the news here ya know, was just wondering if it was close, but I suppose Norway is pretty small anyway.
You should really have another party, it's not like there's any correlation.

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A quote that was much used during that time was "Vi er så få her i landet, hver fallen er bror og venn!" (from WW2, 'We're so few here in this country, every fallen is a bother and friend!')

It's the only party I've ever held. I'm not taking the risk.

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Originally Posted by tommo

It sucks that most of the people I like live in different countries. Just drunk having heaps of fun on the internet and then in Left 4 Dead and then go to take a piss and realise I'm really alone.

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Something about this little post of yours hit something deep inside me... Can I hug you? :( *doesn't wait for answer, hugs*

RANT: been a while since I used an * for that kind of thing.

I've had three "lime-a-ritas" and I suppose I'm tipsy... which is why I've come here to express the anxiety I feel about making an impulsive post on FB. I just typed a small paragraph about changing the world and instead of deleting like I usually do on that shitbook, I hit the share button. I made myself do it because I really need to stop being afraid of people. I just know that tomorrow, I'm going to be completely sober and feel completely stupid for sharing it... because probably nobody "liked" it lol... and/or someone probably commented something to make feel stupid. I shouldn't be worried about things like that. I hate it. I'm a critically thinking human being. I'm ALLOWED to make mistakes in my thinking, and I'm ALLOWED to be corrected by others. ACCEPT this SUENA.

SHRUG. Might get on IRC. I need friends in my life.

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Originally Posted by Suena

Something about this little post of yours hit something deep inside me... Can I hug you? :( *doesn't wait for answer, hugs*

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http://i.imgur.com/9FuuZRQ.jpg
http://themetapicture.com/media/funn...ping-couch.gif

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Originally Posted by Suena

I've had three "lime-a-ritas" and I suppose I'm tipsy... which is why I've come here to express the anxiety I feel about making an impulsive post on FB. I just typed a small paragraph about changing the world and instead of deleting like I usually do on that shitbook, I hit the share button. I made myself do it because I really need to stop being afraid of people. I just know that tomorrow, I'm going to be completely sober and feel completely stupid for sharing it... because probably nobody "liked" it lol... and/or someone probably commented something to make feel stupid. I shouldn't be worried about things like that. I hate it. I'm a critically thinking human being. I'm ALLOWED to make mistakes in my thinking, and I'm ALLOWED to be corrected by others. ACCEPT this SUENA.

SHRUG. Might get on IRC. I need friends in my life.

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It's just your ego getting in the way. It's obviously something you believe and wanted to share. Embrace it.

hehee, love the pic, Tommo!

My rant is that I had another minor nicotine od last night. UGH! And I only had 5 1/2 cigarettes all day which is SUPERB for me (I usually go through AT LEAST a pack and a half a day).
I think what's making it worse is that I've been barley eating. Yesterday, I only ate a large Slim Jim and a few Cheetos. And a pudding.
I have emergency food stashed in my room: a bowl of Mac and Cheese and 2 bowls of instant Mashed Potatoes. I go shopping tonight so I really hate to use them when I have almost zero appetite.

My ear woke me again sometimes during the night. It still hurts. Stupid ear.
And I had weird dreams of being dehydrated and drinking heaps of water and soda. I've also been hungry in my dreams lately, lol. Night before last I "ate" burritos at a restaurant. Last night it was Long John Silvers :lol:
I also tried making some sort of strange chicken that you bury in the ground and cover with glacial snow (known for its extremely blue color). I dug a deep hole, buried the extra-salted chicken. There was only a little glacial snow though, so I worried it wouldn't work. But no sooner had I buried it and went inside, a dog came along and dug it out and consumed it. I was so furious lol
Weird dreams...
I felt my pulse in my thighs before falling asleep again.
I need to start taking my blood pressure at bed time.

My other rant is my bird. Good God, will he PLEASE shut up!!!!!!!

I got a FB "email" from my ex-husband last night. It's been forever since we last talked. About a month ago or so, I messaged him to tell him that I've not heard from Myles and that I'd keep him updated if he'd like. FB has a weird system with their mail. If you're "friends", messages go straight to your in-box. If you're not, they go to an "other" folder. If you don't know to look for it, you'll never see the messages in there.
I knew he might never notice it. But he did and messaged me. I messaged him back. Then, like Suena, I wanted to delete it but said screw it and sent it anyhow.

I am seriously about to strangle my bird.
BE QUIET!!!
But I wont :bang:

Time to go make myself eat something.

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Originally Posted by tommo

It's just your ego getting in the way. It's obviously something you believe and wanted to share. Embrace it.

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Damn ego. It's hard to keep in check sometimes. :/

And the second I woke up this morning I felt ashamed of posting what I did. Luckily, I was able to just "stop" my feelings since I had already went over it in my head last night, knowing that I would feel that way and basically patting myself on the back for doing it anyway.

I checked DV first though. But out of habit I checked FB on my phone. I hate that I do that. I check it without even thinking about it sometimes...