I need to get this out somewhere. It seems I can never make my mom happy with me. That becomes obvious as I'm actually getting things done now. I'm studying on schedule, I've applied for a job, my boyfriend is working as quickly as possible to get his work visa and is losing weight, I restrung and have started practicing my violin again. We aren't drinking every night as they feared, only once or twice a week. At dinner we were quiet because my mom had an outburst at him a couple weeks ago and we fear she'll do it again, since after that was over she started acting ridiculously nice in a fake way. She can't just expect us to be fine with everything and act sociable toward her and happy just because she's suddenly taken up the facade. We aren't that naive; it's obvious she's acting. And yet she was obviously pissed off that we haven't been talking much to her. My boyfriend is a difficult person to get to know. I hoped my parents would be nice and that after a while he'd open up to them, but that obviously isn't going to happen now for a long time, if at all, because she's instilled that fear in him. Coincidentally something similar happened with myself and his mother while I was staying at their house, and I still don't feel comfortable around her even after confronting her and apologising.
They didn't know I was in a room near where they were talking a few minutes ago when I overheard them talking about me. I first just heard her complaining about something, then tuned in due to 'paranoia' which isn't really paranoia because there is a good chance she's talking about me. I heard "but there's always an excuse," "who did we raise?," "she's 23 years old and does nothing around here," "you'd think they could at least have the decency to ask [if we want to watch Dexter tonight]." I feel sick, woke up really late and it was hard to talk during dinner. I think I did pretty well considering the mood I was in. When I heard the parts of their conversation about me my heart started to pound, insides feel cold like I'm in shock, almost feel like I want to cry. Then I think about it more and it starts annoying me, the fact that they act like this and that it bothers me so much. I do stuff around the house when I can. There isn't really anything they ask me to do on a regular basis, but whenever they do ask I'll do it without complaint. Maybe they don't realize how much I have to study. I study everyday until I can't comprehend it anymore. Does it bother her that I'm not one of those (probably fictional) people who can just study constantly all day without doing anything else? My attention span wears off, I need breaks. It's like she gets mad at me when she sees I'm playing a game instead of doing something productive. Now I don't know what to do. I guess as long as I'm living in their house I'll have to prevent any future outbursts and this general attitude as well as I can. Putting on more of an act, talking to them more, actively checking the dishwasher to make sure it's always me who empties it? I don't know, my mom is ****ing crazy. Writing this felt good.
