Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

How I Met Your Mother has so many touching and sad moments, I can't watch this show without crying.

So what do I even want to rant about? There's so many things, or at least it feels that way. Either way here comes a long one...

It's begun to become more and more apparent to me that I'm just way too inexperienced with everything. I feel so inadequate and inferior, it's like in every area of my life I'm way behind compared to everyone else. Socially I suck, I lack confidence and probably self esteem at this point. I feel so slow like my brain jams every time I have to engage in a conversation. I say the most bland things. Or well, I'm not sure if there's anything wrong with what I say, it's just that I don't feel in control of it. It's constantly a fight to come up with a reasonable response to whatever is coming at me, so instead of having conversations I have a series of "Phew! I managed to respond!" moments.

I think I need help. I don't have the power or the motivation or the initiative to get shit done myself. I know I'll have to just go for the things at one point but it feels like it usually just goes wrong somehow. And I'm talking about the simplest shit like getting a haircut or buying clothes. It's just hard to get to that point because I have no support at all. My dad and I have still got this routine going where he'll keep telling me about tons of insipid things in an attempt to pretend that we have some kind of relationship. I'll get more and more annoyed and frustrated and I won't talk to him, until at one point he asks me about it, then we talk about my problems and then we start over. That's kind of the thing, sure he listens, but I feel like I need help, like, actual advice from someone I feel I can trust. I think it's just been a problem for me to find anyone that I felt was even on my side.

Truthfully, I'm not even sure what it is that's making me feel so negative lately. For one, I've been physically ill for a while which has depleted my energy just a little, but I think the major part of it has to do with these workout sessions...
I should be feeling like I'm in heaven, yet the whole thing is covered in conflicts.
Maybe I should just, like, tell the story... Whatever.
So on Saturday, me and the friend, Mr. T, whom I've talked about before, went to do our workouts yet again. As per somewhat usual we went to do pullups at a nearby playground, to which K (the girl I sort of have a crush on, whom I have ranted about before when EVERYTHING WENT FUCKWARDS.) and her friend S accompanied us.

I would also like to describe how awesome and amazing and cute they both are, but I think that might be just a little too weird. Bottom line is they're pretty cool. #anti-rant

When we were done, Mr.T just offhandedly motioned to me that we were leaving and impatiently started walking. At this point I'd gotten all entangled in a game of catch with K and S, and when they realized that we were leaving, they started telling me not to go - even going as far as to use puppy eyes.
They used puppy eyes. I had no chance.

So what happened was that basically I ended up being dragged to some other playground with two nine year old girls without my phone and with nobody knowing where we were. I think this is where it starts to go from being a slightly awkward but delightful time, to a paranoia-inducing one.

When we came back, Mr.T was annoyed with me for being too obvious. Or maybe he was just impatient. Gauging Mr.T's feelings is another can of worms that bothers me. He almost always gets annoyed or impatient, and then I don't really know what to do, and I wish I didn't have to worry about that. But in this case it wasn't him I was worried about, but he told me that K's dad had started making jokes about me. Even when me and the girls were just walking around the neighborhood, I was feeling paranoid. You know how in the Hitman games, you have that bar at the bottom of the screen, and when you get close to people, their suspicion-levels rise? That's how I felt, with everybody we passed.

This exact same thing basically happened on Sunday too, except this time they asked me to come with them to the playground right in front of the dad. I tried to say no and give logical reasons for it, but because my real reason was "Yeah I really want to but I don't want to be too obviously pedo.", it wasn't something I could tell her. So I came up with other reasons which she shattered with logic. Also they used puppy eyes. Again.

I think it's shit like that that's making me feel bad. There's clearly something I want to do here, and it isn't even anything questionable at all, we're just playing around and talking - it's simply Mr.T, K's dad and my own paranoia that's preventing me from doing perfectly acceptable things!

I wish I could just shout it out that ffs okay yes you got me, i'm a friggin paedophile, so fuckin what?? i'm really not going to hurt these girls so just fuck off!
But I'm not even sure that it's actually a thing that registers in people's brains. It could be a complete fabrication of my own paranoid mind. In that case I wish I could just stop caring.

But hey, I'm just gonna do a reach-around to my feelings of inadequacy; Over these past few days where I've actually spent some time with K and S, I've learned that, surprise surprise, I'm not exactly a savant at dealing with kids since I've practically had no experience with it. I feel like I'm not creative enough. I should be able to come up with fun games or whatever, or be able to just talk to them. Even that fails because my Danish has been mangled by my English, to the point where I very often forget words in Danish. That makes basic communication hard sometimes, and even when my language doesn't break, I find it hard to figure out how to handle the constant torrent of weird stuff kids say. I basically feel too constrained - in general.

My current theory is that there's been a disillusionment for me that killed my mood. I realized that being with K and S, the one thing that has given me happiness lately, can be really tough too. Because of my lack of abilities and experience, and because of the paranoia, it is a lot more ambivalent. So even though I've had these seemingly wonderful days with them, I feel worn out and hope-/helpless...

I don't really think I should need to add a disclaimer still, but I might still have to clarify, if this is the first time you realize that Maeni is a pedo, you should realize that I'm not going to molest them, haven't done and won't ever.

Originally Posted by Maeni

So what do I even want to rant about? There's so many things, or at least it feels that way. Either way here comes a long one...

It's begun to become more and more apparent to me that I'm just way too inexperienced with everything. I feel so inadequate and inferior, it's like in every area of my life I'm way behind compared to everyone else. Socially I suck, I lack confidence and probably self esteem at this point. I feel so slow like my brain jams every time I have to engage in a conversation. I say the most bland things. Or well, I'm not sure if there's anything wrong with what I say, it's just that I don't feel in control of it.

One thing's for sure, you obviously have a sophisticated syntax when getting your thoughts out here, and it just shows you're very intelligent. You are aware of yourself, the people around you, their behaviors, to me, you are a very calculated person, and you are able to do it naturally. That is a deadly and useful trait to have, in fact, I'm pretty jealous you can do that. I try to be cautious around others, but most of the time, I just end up stuttering sometimes, because I'm not used to many people talking with me, since everyone is ALWAYS on the move.

I think maybe because you're able to get so many thoughts out, you're "jamming" in train of thoughts because you're trying to pick the best conversation, you want to have some control, and I'm not any better at talking with people at all, I'm in the same boat as yourself.

Not all conversations will be perfect, and you KNOW that, and also, the person(s) you're being gregarious towards, or trying to be obviously can't expect engaging conversations all the time from both sides.

It's constantly a fight to come up with a reasonable response to whatever is coming at me, so instead of having conversations I have a series of "Phew! I managed to respond!" moments.

Again, it's a fight to come up with a reasonable response because you want to find the most ideal response, when you clearly are able to think them through. If you know it won't feel wrong when you declare it, it's simple as that. Maybe it's just the mental filtering of making sure not to jumble those thoughts together is the challenge, but you have to know, and please forgive me if I'm wrong here, but based on what you gave overall, these people seem to be like easy pickings for a guy like you.

Both Mr. T and K's father...and here's why. Mr. T, as you stated, is an impatient man, and if this is a constant demeanor he engages in, it's most likely that guy ends up saying things he doesn't mean to say. You, on the other hand, despite the paranoia you claim to have, you're thinking things through, but you don't do anything too ambitious.

So in a way, the paranoia might be a detriment in you being able to do things, but I think this planned out attitude you have WILL help you be able to do things if you sublimate it right.

I think I need help. I don't have the power or the motivation or the initiative to get shit done myself. I know I'll have to just go for the things at one point but it feels like it usually just goes wrong somehow. And I'm talking about the simplest shit like getting a haircut or buying clothes.

You definitely have power of mind, which means you definitely have power in initiative, just because you may be "social inept" or "lack of social skills," your thoughts are DEFINITELY not "lacking in intelligence."

Even for me, reminding myself to make sure I clean all the dishes instead of just doing a few so I can eat what I need to eat to try and save time and study...hell, sometimes I feel like I need to REALLY update my clothing style because all I do is just save my long pants for Organic Chemistry Lab and use all my sports shorts and pants, and nothing too fancy...even though I should take into consideration for that.

If you just take things one step at a time, and with your capabilities that I'm sure you're unaware of, if you just do it one step at a time, you will make progress.

Like for instance, if you go to the barber to get a haircut or something, you can talk about anything from your favorite show, or just your views on what was on the news (like the political debate that occurred recently), just small little things you can pick up on, and it doesn't have to be precise at all. Usually, and it just depends on the barber, they'll just be complacent and accepting of what you're saying, and who knows, maybe they might find interest and add on to what you're saying!

I know the Barber shop isn't an extraordinary medium of gregarious activities, but most of the people you'll meet, at least from my perspective (and I'm sure it won't be right in all cases), are usually just simple-minded, and you can use that to your advantage....you obviously are able to think well, it's just getting your words out that is mostly constraining your desire to pick the ideal response. You can just go with what you know is good enough, and if you know that it doesn't feel wrong, go with it!

You obviously know you're not going to declare anything too extreme that might be bothering to others, you have the thoughts, but I'm presuming you're able to control them well.

It's just hard to get to that point because I have no support at all.

Support is crucial, especially when you don't feel you're able to be self-sufficient. I can't say much for this one, except that I know that somewhere, there IS help you can find. Maybe research on any centers that have people willing to see things through for you and support you.

I have one person in my life right now that serves as my emotional support. They help me a lot in rough times, and always cheer me up, and I am always open to treat them with the same kindness they've given me and MUCH more.

I'm sure there has to be support somewhere in your region, and if you do find that, just know that those people are there to help you. Now how you have to manage the funding to sustain the support, I don't know about that, and that's one of the things that makes it difficult at times. However, I think that there's some sort of free support where people you can connect and relate to.

I guess it's easy for me to say that because I have someone I can rely on, but I know that finding at least one good person or a small group of people you can relate to, you'll be able to see a gradual increase in your overall confidence.

I think you worry if what you'll say is "bland" or "laconic," simply because you're obviously around people who are probably not as capable as you are in thinking deeper thoughts. And maybe it's just that you're trying to be "normal," and regress down a bit to match them, when you can still maintain the tone you're comfortable with.

You're not abnormal or anything like that, the whole concept of "normal" is just invisible, just fabricated standards to categorize people, it's not you that is "lacking in sociability," it's just that, based on what you've given, you try your best to pick the perfect and ideal response for that moment, when you can just let it flow naturally.

Again, you're really dealing with simple-minded people, at least judging from the quick overview you've given just now, and you don't have to be right in everything you say.

My dad and I have still got this routine going where he'll keep telling me about tons of insipid things in an attempt to pretend that we have some kind of relationship. I'll get more and more annoyed and frustrated and I won't talk to him, until at one point he asks me about it, then we talk about my problems and then we start over.

That's how it is with my father as well, to some extent. I always try to maintain respect for him at all times, even when I know some things he tries to give as advice is not always the right thing to do. I also engage in that same annoying and repetitious cycle with him that I often just give up and wait for him to cool down a bit. It really does suck, especially when I just want to have a decent connection with him.

Compared to me, I'm nothing compared to his diligence and making sure that he gets the necessities covered, and it makes sense that he has to be liable to give me often insipid advice as well, just as your father does, but again, we have to realize they have their own flaws as well.

Even with experience and simply living longer than us, parents are not always perfect, and sometimes the child has to take the initiative to tell them how they feel. But I guess for your case, and mind, our fathers are lacking the ability to give something of substance. All I can say is that you should just shift to finding other people who can.

That's kind of the thing, sure he listens, but I feel like I need help, like, actual advice from someone I feel I can trust. I think it's just been a problem for me to find anyone that I felt was even on my side.

With your ability, I know that if you just give it enough effort, when you DO find that person, it will be worth it. There's always support out there, you just have to find it, but at the same time, it isn't overwhelming if you just take small and manageable chunks at it.

Truthfully, I'm not even sure what it is that's making me feel so negative lately. For one, I've been physically ill for a while which has depleted my energy just a little, but I think the major part of it has to do with these workout sessions...

Maybe it's that you can't be open to yourself because again, people usually don't take into consideration, and in a rational and understanding manner, of your lifestyle and what you prefer. They just wouldn't have grasp of anything reasonable, and obviously would try to be as negative as possible if you portrayed major leaks of being a "pedo," and they would just make the situation worse and just turn it into a complete mess.

It's rough man, for others to conceptualize properly what you have to go through is definitely a difficult thing to absorb, and it all lies to how we're socially fitted to our gender roles...it's horrible because it doesn't make you feel open of yourself because there may be some idiot that might try and take things too far and try making absurd assumptions about you...but you know, people's words can only affect you when you invite those negative thoughts to constantly control you.

When we were done, Mr.T just offhandedly motioned to me that we were leaving and impatiently started walking. At this point I'd gotten all entangled in a game of catch with K and S, and when they realized that we were leaving, they started telling me not to go - even going as far as to use puppy eyes.
They used puppy eyes. I had no chance.

So what happened was that basically I ended up being dragged to some other playground with two nine year old girls without my phone and with nobody knowing where we were. I think this is where it starts to go from being a slightly awkward but delightful time, to a paranoia-inducing one.

Aww man, that really must've been awkward, especially with how people get really concerned with mature men with children, it really must've been rough, and especially with the children's naivete that just can't be passed up, it's getting yourself into a Catch 22 or a gridlock. And it's just you trying to be kind and nice to them, because you know you wouldn't do anything damaging to them.

When we came back, Mr.T was annoyed with me for being too obvious. Or maybe he was just impatient. Gauging Mr.T's feelings is another can of worms that bothers me. He almost always gets annoyed or impatient, and then I don't really know what to do, and I wish I didn't have to worry about that.

Again, his impatience/annoyance, like I've stated before, will mostly likely lead to irrational thoughts on his part.

But in this case it wasn't him I was worried about, but he told me that K's dad had started making jokes about me.

It does sting when someone blatantly declares to you someone is making fun of you, but you know, you just can't let their words stuff you up. People will always have pathetic reasons to make fun of you to make themselves better, and sometimes, they just do it because they have a misinterpretation of the situation at hand, and feel that making of you is their excuse to just ignore the problem. It's their fault for making fun of you, you are JUST fine.

I can understand that these are people you will have some kind of ties and bonds to, especially when you have a friendship with the children, but just know that you know that you wouldn't do ANYTHING bad to those children, and that they clearly enjoy having you around....you're mature about it, and K's father's jokes can only go so far.

All those jokes are just going to be left in the air and dissipate.

Even when me and the girls were just walking around the neighborhood, I was feeling paranoid. You know how in the Hitman games, you have that bar at the bottom of the screen, and when you get close to people, their suspicion-levels rise? That's how I felt, with everybody we passed.

This exact same thing basically happened on Sunday too, except this time they asked me to come with them to the playground right in front of the dad. I tried to say no and give logical reasons for it, but because my real reason was "Yeah I really want to but I don't want to be too obviously pedo.", it wasn't something I could tell her. So I came up with other reasons which she shattered with logic. Also they used puppy eyes. Again.

I think it's shit like that that's making me feel bad. There's clearly something I want to do here, and it isn't even anything questionable at all, we're just playing around and talking - it's simply Mr.T, K's dad and my own paranoia that's preventing me from doing perfectly acceptable things!

I wish I could just shout it out that ffs okay yes you got me, i'm a friggin paedophile, so fuckin what?? i'm really not going to hurt these girls so just fuck off!
But I'm not even sure that it's actually a thing that registers in people's brains. It could be a complete fabrication of my own paranoid mind. In that case I wish I could just stop caring.

I don't think it's a complete fabrication of your mind. You're right, it's just people cannot be open towards these things because they've already established skewed convictions, and as long as those biological drives and instincts are present, it will always be a difficult thing to accept instead of tolerating it.

But hey, I'm just gonna do a reach-around to my feelings of inadequacy; Over these past few days where I've actually spent some time with K and S, I've learned that, surprise surprise, I'm not exactly a savant at dealing with kids since I've practically had no experience with it. I feel like I'm not creative enough. I should be able to come up with fun games or whatever, or be able to just talk to them. Even that fails because my Danish has been mangled by my English, to the point where I very often forget words in Danish. That makes basic communication hard sometimes, and even when my language doesn't break, I find it hard to figure out how to handle the constant torrent of weird stuff kids say. I basically feel too constrained - in general.

My current theory is that there's been a disillusionment for me that killed my mood. I realized that being with K and S, the one thing that has given me happiness lately, can be really tough too. Because of my lack of abilities and experience, and because of the paranoia, it is a lot more ambivalent. So even though I've had these seemingly wonderful days with them, I feel worn out and hope-/helpless...

I don't really think I should need to add a disclaimer still, but I might still have to clarify, if this is the first time you realize that Maeni is a pedo, you should realize that I'm not going to molest them, haven't done and won't ever.

When you stated you feel worn out, you have to admit, that no matter how kind a person can be, there's only so much energy you can exert at a given time. I don't think it's your lack of abilities, and for experience, it's always going to be a progressive endeavor.

I've seen some posts you made related to pedophilia and such, and it's completely understandable, at least to me, that you're mature enough to not set an abusive finger on these children. You're a kind person to them, they are happy to have you around, they just don't want you to go too soon, that doesn't mean you're a bad person at all....

You're human, you can only do so much at a given time, you just have to rest, take a breather, and go at it again when you're sure you can. I know that some of my comments made be catering to best case scenarios, but again, based on what you've stated, you are definitely capable of taking small steps on things YOU can work on.

And I will never be able to understand your perspective in your case with how people conceptualize with pedophilia (because it's pretty much an unshakeable preconception for those who aren't educated enough), but really wish for good things to happen to you.

I wish you the best, Maeni, really, you really have unique traits that I admire.

The naivete of the youth if definitely a double-edge sword at times...and you sustaining those conflicts just shows the potential for you to continue to persevere.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

How I Met Your Mother has so many touching and sad moments, I can't watch this show without crying.

THE STORY, IT'S GETTING TOO DEEP AND TOUCHING. (I'll be crying along with you for the series finale this spring >.<)

Originally Posted by ThePreserver

THE STORY, IT'S GETTING TOO DEEP AND TOUCHING. (I'll be crying along with you for the series finale this spring >.<)

I know!! I don't know what I'll do without it when it's over. These characters are like family now.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I know!! I don't know what I'll do without it when it's over. These characters are like family now.

You gave me, a lazy American, another reason to complain!

All of my favorite shows are ending this year (or are presumed to be ending.)

Fringe, 30 Rock, The Office, Parks and Rec, Happy Endings, Community, Breaking Bad, How I Met Your Mother, among those that I can think of off the top of my head. There are more, but now I have nothing left to watch, because all the new TV sucks. (People often tell me "have you tried watching ____ it's really funny!" I watch tons of TV, so I've tried everything; these shows are the ones that stick.)

Thank the BBC for bringing back Doctor Who, a show that needn't ever be cancelled, because you can simply regenerate The Doctor as the next great up-and-coming English actor! NEVER END, DOCTOR WHO. NEVER. I don't know what I'd do!

Woah.

Thanks for the feedback~ I really appreciate that
That really did make me feel better about myself. I guess now I'm continuing my rant too... I shouldn't at this time, when I'm tired.

But now that I think about it, there's a flip side of the inadequacy coin. I often feel like everyone else in real life sucks and they're awful and stupid and what-not. I have a hard time figuring out what I should think of myself because I realize how bad I am at evaluating myself. In my last post I said I feel inadequate and inferior, which is true lately, but sometimes I feel like everybody else are worthless and that's why talking to them is uncomfortable.

I guess I have to admit that I am intelligent. But in a very specific way. I do have introspective thoughts a lot, which I think is something that DV'ers might specialize in while all the awful normals might be less inclined to do so. But it sucks! I wish I could be more spontaneous and impulsive, I'm very often held back by anxiety, awkwardness and a generally uncomfortable atmosphere, and then I start thinking it through and coming up with all these scenarios about what could happen, and there's usually one of them that I wouldn't like. It's a big thing when it comes to my dad. I'm pretty annoyed with him most of the time, but I'm also genuinely confused about a lot of things, so I can't just sit down and say something to him. Instead I end up getting annoyed at other minor things he does. And sometimes I wish I could just tell him that whatever it is he's doing is annoying me. But I always start thinking about why I find it annoying and whether or not finding it annoying is reasonable, which it usually isn't.
So I end up saying nothing.

And I'm not really sure about the conversations thing. I really do feel like I'm at a loss of words when I get into one. I just want to be more autonomous, more in control, more at ease and less concerned about what people think of me...

I've got two fronts here.. One is where I complain about what's wrong with me, and then there's the girls. My attention seems to swap back and forth randomly.
I'm mostly saddened about that situation because it seems like there's something good there, but it's being held back by Mr.T and K's dad... I'm there to do exercise, and I'm a guest of Mr.T. Both mean that I can't really stop doing those things or go with the girls if they wanted to. I sometimes get the feeling that I'm the only one who doesn't have someone like K. I'm so envious of K a lot of the time, K hugs him and generally acts really affectionate towards her. Mr.T could come and visit them any time he pleases, so he could be there for her all the time. I'm only there as sort of a guy they can tease a little, although I'm downplaying it a little here, both of the girls have actually been sweet towards me as well. Hugs~ But I just can't get it out of my head that I'm so limited. I only get to see them fleetingly, and I'm forced into a situation where I act like it's an amusing little side effect, while in fact they're my sole motivation for going at all.
I would give my everything to have someone like that whom I could see more often or regularly and actually be something for. This is why I resent the fact that I'm 20 soon. I feel like the -teen part of my age signified that there was still this gray zone where I could be a sort of adult while still being able to be some kind of playmate with kids. But I never got the chance to do anything like that, and it just gets more and more unlikely the older I get. Soon, the only chance will be to become a dad, but that's an entirely different thing.

And oh yeah, the thing about K's dad making jokes about me, it's not really that the joking is hurtful or something, it's just that I worry that he's figuring me out. I don't know whether or not that is likely, I wasn't there when he made the jokes, Mr.T just told me that his pedar was going off, and that he was starting to make jokes about me. But frankly that isn't new at all, he makes jokes like that all the time.

Anyways thanks again for the response, I'm gonna have to read it again o.o

Originally Posted by ThePreserver

You gave me, a lazy American, another reason to complain!

Just doing my job.

Originally Posted by ThePreserver

All of my favorite shows are ending this year (or are presumed to be ending.)

Fringe, 30 Rock, The Office, Parks and Rec, Happy Endings, Community, Breaking Bad, How I Met Your Mother, among those that I can think of off the top of my head. There are more, but now I have nothing left to watch, because all the new TV sucks. (People often tell me "have you tried watching ____ it's really funny!" I watch tons of TV, so I've tried everything; these shows are the ones that stick.)

Thank the BBC for bringing back Doctor Who, a show that needn't ever be cancelled, because you can simply regenerate The Doctor as the next great up-and-coming English actor! NEVER END, DOCTOR WHO. NEVER. I don't know what I'd do!

Aww, 30 Rock too? And I forgot about Breaking Bad... hmm. I should get caught up on that.

Originally Posted by Maeni

But now that I think about it, there's a flip side of the inadequacy coin. I often feel like everyone else in real life sucks and they're awful and stupid and what-not.

I'm with you on that, there are just some people that I can't even bother trying to relate to in real life. Like, if I even pretend to be stupid and let them try and make fun of me, I'm already thinking about having them killed in the most obscene ways possible.

I have a hard time figuring out what I should think of myself because I realize how bad I am at evaluating myself. In my last post I said I feel inadequate and inferior, which is true lately, but sometimes I feel like everybody else are worthless and that's why talking to them is uncomfortable.

That is a rough paradox you have there, and I can relate to that. Sometimes I have the habit of treating people in waking life as if they're Dream Characters and what have you. I think that's just me mixing in dreaming and real life a lot.

But I always start thinking about why I find it annoying and whether or not finding it annoying is reasonable, which it usually isn't.
So I end up saying nothing.

I know the feel man, I used to think of a lot of scenarios of how things will be if my father comes occasionally once a week, and all of the assumptions I made in my head were wrong, I was just paranoid myself.

And I'm not really sure about the conversations thing. I really do feel like I'm at a loss of words when I get into one. I just want to be more autonomous, more in control, more at ease and less concerned about what people think of me...

And you can, and you will in time. It's tough, but you can do it, it just a matter of seeing things spatially and realize you can work on manageable things at a time and then move on to bigger and challenging things.

But I just can't get it out of my head that I'm so limited. I only get to see them fleetingly, and I'm forced into a situation where I act like it's an amusing little side effect, while in fact they're my sole motivation for going at all.

Oh man, that's a cruel comparison you gave yourself there, and it does suck that you have a chance of happiness RIGHT there, and you can't do anything about it to make it consistent and longer periods of time without making others raise suspicion about you. Maybe you can tell the children that if they want to be around you a bit longer, they should convince their father?

I mean, that "might" make things worse in him really getting suspicious, but if they really like having you around, who knows, maybe K's father will be considerate of his children's happiness and allow you to hang with them as friends?

Then again, with the situation you have to go through, maybe that's not a good idea. >.< I'm sorry :/

This is why I resent the fact that I'm 20 soon. I feel like the -teen part of my age signified that there was still this gray zone where I could be a sort of adult while still being able to be some kind of playmate with kids. But I never got the chance to do anything like that, and it just gets more and more unlikely the older I get. Soon, the only chance will be to become a dad, but that's an entirely different thing.

It's unfortunate that you weren't able to properly experience shrinking the gray zone a bit, but you have to look at what you can do now. It does suck that based on where you are, feeling free to that fantasy is not an easy luxury to sustain, but just make the best of what you have now and can use for the future.

And oh yeah, the thing about K's dad making jokes about me, it's not really that the joking is hurtful or something, it's just that I worry that he's figuring me out. I don't know whether or not that is likely, I wasn't there when he made the jokes, Mr.T just told me that his pedar was going off, and that he was starting to make jokes about me. But frankly that isn't new at all, he makes jokes like that all the time.

Ah....okay, I see. Thanks for clearing that up, I just thought it something new that came up related to him.

Anyways thanks again for the response, I'm gonna have to read it again o.o

Originally Posted by sivason

Why can't you buy a single beer anymore. I would understand if you had to buy a 12 pack to discourage vagerants, but you can buy 24 oz beers. So what if I want one stupid beer (12oz)? It's stupid.

I wish I could say that I feel your pain, but I have never been in a situation, when I wanted to buy just 1 beer. Nope. Never. No idea how that feels.

I hadn't drunk in a week before last night. I planned to drink tonight but realize I don't even want to very much, although I wish I did. I used to desire the feeling of mental freedom and the lack of inhibition I'd experience, but for some reason I react differently now. Those feelings aren't as strong anymore. I have to drink about 3x as much as I used to to feel drunk, and end up feeling sick before it even wears off. I used to feel free while drunk, I'd be able to say anything to anyone without caring, and while drinking with friends it was just fun. I'd normally be quiet but it would make me talk a lot and it was awesome.

But for the last couple months or so, drinking has resulted in very little of the positive effects. Not only do I feel sick more easily than I used to, but it doesn't even make me feel very good. For some reason it isn't inhibiting my inhibitions nearly as much as it used to. My head becomes all swimmy, I can't think as clearly, my thoughts are more sporadic. But I'm pretty much just as self-conscious as I would be while sober. I'll still occasionally speak more freely than I should be, but instead of it being fun as it used to be, I'll immediately regret it and feel terrible about it, even while I'm still legitimately drunk. The lack of clarity of my my thoughts is irritating now, while it used to be freeing. Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine, because that's how much it took to get me drunk. As it was wearing off, I felt sick. I kept thinking about all that wine being in my body and wondering what my digestive system was even going to do with it. I felt like I had poisoned myself.

One might think that this change is a positive one. If drinking isn't as fun anymore, I can just stop drinking. But no, I miss the feeling I used to get from alcohol, and wish I could feel that again at times I desire to. I'm barely drinking at all anymore compared to how much I used to, but when I do I wish it were more fun. It's like those few months in which I drank every night rendered my body partly immune to alcohol. Or maybe I'm just psychologically accustomed to it; I'm so used to the feeling it induces that it isn't as exciting anymore, like going on a roller coaster so many times that eventually you stop getting adrenalin rushes and it's just boring. I still haven't decided if I'm going to drink tonight though. Maybe I can try to relax as much as possible and get the feeling back.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I hadn't drunk in a week before last night. I planned to drink tonight but realize I don't even want to very much, although I wish I did. I used to desire the feeling of mental freedom and the lack of inhibition I'd experience, but for some reason I react differently now. Those feelings aren't as strong anymore. I have to drink about 3x as much as I used to to feel drunk, and end up feeling sick before it even wears off. I used to feel free while drunk, I'd be able to say anything to anyone without caring, and while drinking with friends it was just fun. I'd normally be quiet but it would make me talk a lot and it was awesome.

But for the last couple months or so, drinking has resulted in very little of the positive effects. Not only do I feel sick more easily than I used to, but it doesn't even make me feel very good. For some reason it isn't inhibiting my inhibitions nearly as much as it used to. My head becomes all swimmy, I can't think as clearly, my thoughts are more sporadic. But I'm pretty much just as self-conscious as I would be while sober. I'll still occasionally speak more freely than I should be, but instead of it being fun as it used to be, I'll immediately regret it and feel terrible about it, even while I'm still legitimately drunk. The lack of clarity of my my thoughts is irritating now, while it used to be freeing. Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine, because that's how much it took to get me drunk. As it was wearing off, I felt sick. I kept thinking about all that wine being in my body and wondering what my digestive system was even going to do with it. I felt like I had poisoned myself.

One might think that this change is a positive one. If drinking isn't as fun anymore, I can just stop drinking. But no, I miss the feeling I used to get from alcohol, and wish I could feel that again at times I desire to. I'm barely drinking at all anymore compared to how much I used to, but when I do I wish it were more fun. It's like those few months in which I drank every night rendered my body partly immune to alcohol. Or maybe I'm just psychologically accustomed to it; I'm so used to the feeling it induces that it isn't as exciting anymore, like going on a roller coaster so many times that eventually you stop getting adrenalin rushes and it's just boring. I still haven't decided if I'm going to drink tonight though. Maybe I can try to relax as much as possible and get the feeling back.

That's tolerance for you. I'm sure you can still make a good experience out of it, but after you've done something enough times there are certain aspects of it you just don't get back, at least not unless you stop for a pretty long time first, and often more side effects show up. I always felt like after doing a drug too many times my body and brain are no longer distracted enough by the novelty and they start instinctively trying to fight to return to normal cognition. It gets easier to handle if you just don't let it get to you, but it does suck.... You can get pretty lost in thinking about how great drugs and alcohol used to be.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

I disagree with....

That was a funny post.

Yeah, I know that it's dumb to think that way, it's just that when that's all that I've experienced, it gets pretty difficult to remember that I am not the boring one.
So thanks for reminding me

I don't think I'll kill myself, I was just really depressed last night. What keeps me going is all the awesome stuff in the world that I'll hopefully eventually get to see and learn.
I hope you're right that I will eventually find some people who are as you say.
Thankyou And I think you're awesome too.

__________________________________________________ _______

Maeni, with the paranoia, one thing I can vouch for that helps is to just truly believe, in your case, that you are not a pedo.
It takes a while to get used to, but you will actually be able to convince yourself that you are not, when you are talking to/are with other people.
If someone does end up saying something, it will be very easy to respond as if you're just like "..... what the fuck? ME a pedo?"
Double-think.

Originally Posted by Linkzelda

I'm with you on that, there are just some people that I can't even bother trying to relate to in real life. Like, if I even pretend to be stupid and let them try and make fun of me, I'm already thinking about having them killed in the most obscene ways possible.

I fucking love when you say stuff like this. Cracks me up. I can definitely relate to that.

Walls of text... walls of text everywhere!

Had a lucid dream, I delayed for 2 hours to write it so no one will nag at me for not eating after waking up. I started recalling back and I started writing, and my grandma suddenly started talking to me because she couldn't put the plug in. I can't... Remember what happened next from where I stopped writing... -.-

The bane of a lucid dreamer is someone talking to you.

If I can't recall the lucid dream properly, I'll cry. It's a nice long lucid for a long time.

Originally Posted by tommo

That was a funny post.

Yeah, I know that it's dumb to think that way, it's just that when that's all that I've experienced, it gets pretty difficult to remember that I am not the boring one.
So thanks for reminding me

I don't think I'll kill myself, I was just really depressed last night. What keeps me going is all the awesome stuff in the world that I'll hopefully eventually get to see and learn.
I hope you're right that I will eventually find some people who are as you say.
Thankyou And I think you're awesome too.

I was hoping it would keep your spirits up.

I understand, life is tough. It does get better though, it really does.

And you're welcome tommo, I'm glad you're feeling better now. Like I said, just stay the path and you'll get to where you need to go, you have the skills you need.

d0482b172d0e96fc59f2094ff934f0f5.png Just what I thought. D:

Originally Posted by Crashyy

d0482b172d0e96fc59f2094ff934f0f5.png Just what I thought. D:

What test is that?

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

What test is that?

Social anxiety disorder test
Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test - SAS

Originally Posted by Crashyy

Social anxiety disorder test
Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test - SAS

45 for me. Hmm.... I guess I am just lazy lol.

34, SUCK IT!!!

--------------------------------

I find it depressing that I'm downloading and listening to Binaural beats to keep myself concentrated.

Originally Posted by Crashyy

Social anxiety disorder test
Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test - SAS

I wouldn't take the test for it unless you are very certain after reading up a lot or are diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. My introversion and OCD is affecting my scores a lot.

If you do have social anxiety disorder, welcome to the anxiety club, I have obsessive compulsive disorder (it's a type of anxiety disorder although it doesn't sound like it).

This might be a good read: Social phobia

Originally Posted by Crashyy

Social anxiety disorder test
Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test - SAS

114. Sounds about right.

My god, the League of Legends World Championship internet keeps going down. I don't quite know whether to laugh or to cry...

Maybe I should just drink.