Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

**tommo** · 08-03-2012 03:51 PM

420th page!!!!

Anyway, my fucking cat went on my fucking bed AGAIN! (what a weird word.... "again")
I did kick her this time, not very hard, but yelling and scaring her obviously isn't enough.
I really need to work on plans for that alarm/citrus spray thing and construct it some time in the next week....

Now I'll have to sleep on the couch since my bed stuff is in the wash. Bah....

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

The situation that spawned it is personal. I can try to describe the feeling, though. First, let me try to put you in my old frame of mind.... Growing up, I was pretty much the perfect example of someone who was depressed to the point of being a bit psychotic. I would walk through the halls of high school with images of people around me dying or possessed by demons (or me) constantly running through my head, I'd just observe people living their lives and start thinking about human behavior as some kind of strange robotic behavior to replicate when people were trying to communicate with me, I'd walk around mumbling to myself as my logical and emotional sides actually had complete verbal arguments over all of the random things I would be thinking about (and often bump into walls and stuff because I wasn't paying attention where I was going), and I'd spend all day in every class drawing really surreal things centered around fractal imagery (and this was before drugs). And believe me, that's just a small sample from a long list.

As I've been working on my depression, those things have all started dying down slowly. However, it was really just that the negative thoughts were disappearing more than any positive ones appearing, you know? But then recently, it was just like someone flipped a switch. You know that feeling you get when you really experience a drug for the first time? That "holy shit, this is why people like weed" feeling? That's kind of what it was like for me, except it was more like... "holy shit, this is why people enjoy life"... "this is why people feel motivated to do things"... "this is why people care about sex"... etc., etc. (If you've ever noticed in the fetish thread, none of my old fetishes had anything to do with sex. They were just patterns that caused sexual arousal for me.) I always felt like I had these bits of instinctive knowledge already, but much like the physical sensations I mentioned they were perceived but not registered. They held no meaning to me, nor did anything else. It was like I could observe the entire workings of my mind from a more mechanical perspective because I had all of the data available to me, but it didn't mean anything to me in a human sense, but rather I was just searching for patterns amongst it all and trying helplessly to understand it.

When I had my recent experience it was like someone finally plugged my mind into my body, and all of these deeper emotional and instinctive feelings suddenly permeated by entire being. I had kind of a spiritual feeling of connection to nature and I felt like I needed to just go running through a field and be an animal. >w< It's just like an extremely enlightening frame of mind, like I'm suddenly a part of the human race after just being an observer for so long. It's something greater than I can fully put into words, but that's a good start.

That's awesome....
I'm not sure if I can relate to how you used to be, but I have always been semi-disconnected as well. Your explanation sounds far more severe though, I mostly just didn't pay much attention to people coz I was thinking so deeply pretty much constantly. I still am like that, but much less so (sometimes several people in class would literally be yelling my name coz someone couldn't get my attention and I'd just have no idea). And I was sort of clueless about how to interact with people.
It doesn't sound like the same thing though.... or maybe that but with the added depression/psychosis makes it a disconnected thing.

I'm sort of rambling here, I'm just trying to relate, but it seems like a foreign concept; I had to re-read some of it 3 times to understand more.

I wanna ask more but I guess I won't push it.

Anyway, I'm happy for you

Originally Posted by littlezoe

I honestly would like to go and i still like this option the best from the 3... it could bring something new into my life... i'm too antisocial anyway, it could be good meeting them and having fun

But still there is a bit of fear in me about this, i don't know why...

Any opinions on this?

There is almost always fear in new things. It's a good thing to defeat that fear by doing whatever it is that's causing you to fear it.
Because then after that you have gained a new experience, and you feel awesome.

That said, obviously you know, be careful. It's worth saying even though it's obvious. There be creeps out there.

**littlezoe** · 08-03-2012 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by tommo

That said, obviously you know, be careful. It's worth saying even though it's obvious. There be creeps out there.

Yeah hah. Probably i'm a bit scared because i played out one of the worst scenarios already in my head.

For example:

#1: It turns out the guy and his girlfriend are cannibals.
#2: They are vampires or part of some weird sect and want to sacrifice me.
#3: They want to bring me into some kind of sexual games and keep me as a slave.

Probably i'm just worrying a bit too much about everything, lol.

**~~Alyzarin~~** · 08-03-2012 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by tommo

420th page!!!!

Originally Posted by tommo

That's awesome....
I'm not sure if I can relate to how you used to be, but I have always been semi-disconnected as well. Your explanation sounds far more severe though, I mostly just didn't pay much attention to people coz I was thinking so deeply pretty much constantly. I still am like that, but much less so (sometimes several people in class would literally be yelling my name coz someone couldn't get my attention and I'd just have no idea). And I was sort of clueless about how to interact with people.
It doesn't sound like the same thing though.... or maybe that but with the added depression/psychosis makes it a disconnected thing.

I'm sort of rambling here, I'm just trying to relate, but it seems like a foreign concept; I had to re-read some of it 3 times to understand more.

I wanna ask more but I guess I won't push it.

Anyway, I'm happy for you

Thanks, tommo.

Well, I'd say they're probably at least related. These kinds of things generally don't just contain one set of symptoms and increase in magnitude the stronger they are, it's like a drug... the more severe it is, the more categories of symptoms show up, and then those increase in magnitude starting from those points while others continue to appear. A general disconnectedness definitely sounds similar to and like a lesser version of what I went through. I'm still kind of in that state too, but at a much more normal level. I just still think a lot lol.

If you're really curious, you can PM if you want. I may answer some questions, depending on what you ask.

**ThePreserver** · 08-04-2012 12:41 AM

Whenever I eat too many pieces of bacon, I can feel it in my limbs. Probably not a good thing... (and I don't eat bacon much at all.) Damn you, family history of heart disease and high cholesterol! Also, DAMN YOU BACON!

**~~Alyzarin~~** · 08-04-2012 01:06 AM

It's really crazy to think that we were all lucky enough to be born as humans. There are so many other living things on this planet that we could have been born as, the numbers are absurd. I normally think about what are the odds of being born as myself and not someone else, but I think this is so much crazier of a concept. Our lives are so open and spectacular compared to the unbearably limited view of the world that other species get. We really got it easy.

>.>

/pg420

**ThePreserver** · 08-04-2012 01:33 AM

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

It's really crazy to think that we were all lucky enough to be born as humans. There are so many other living things on this planet that we could have been born as, the numbers are absurd. I normally think about what are the odds of being born as myself and not someone else, but I think this is so much crazier of a concept. Our lives are so open and spectacular compared to the unbearably limited view of the world that other species get. We really got it easy.

Sometimes I think it's a miracle that I was even born at all. What if my dad never divorced his first wife? What if my mom had never worked at the same place as my dad? What if Hitler invaded Poland earlier, and my great great grandparents couldn't escape to the US in time?

Literally EVERYTHING that has ever happened has led up to me existing.

**brokedownheart** · 08-04-2012 01:42 AM

Originally Posted by Suena

The only reason I believe I ended up having to have a c-section the last time was because my doctor made me schedule an induction (chemically induced labor) TWO days after my due date. I didn't know any better. He told me that we couldn't let the baby sit longer than a week after my due date or the baby could die. Which, now I realize, is false. I mean, due dates are only estimations and my pregnancy that first time had NO complications whatsoever. The baby would have come out in his own time. Usually mothers can go two weeks, which is a norm. After THIRTY hours of labor and after him breaking my water for me, he told me my hips were too small and gave me about five minutes to decide to do a c-section.

Now, after having this one there is that small chance of uterine rupture and that scares me but there are also so many risks associated with c-sections. I can't trust my doctor, but he's the only OB in this town. Which also is scary because I know a LOT of pregnant women right now who are right around the same due date as mine and if he's dealing with ALL of these women, then of course, he's going to try to get them on some sort of schedule. Hence, convincing me to have a c-section when it might not be necessary.

Hey, I'm not sure if you've made a decision yet about your birth, but I just wanted to encourage you to go the VBAC route if you feel it's right for you. Your body absolutely can do it, and if that's the birth you want, don't let your doctor bully you into a c-section just to make you fit into his schedule! I hope that whatever you choose, you feel confident and at peace. Childbirth is a huge passion of mine and I've spent the last 4 years learning as much as I possibly can about it. I actually plan to go to school for midwifery once my kids are a little older, plus I've gone through 2 induced labors myself, so if you ever want to talk or just rant about anything, just pm me. =)

**tommo** · 08-04-2012 02:30 AM

Originally Posted by brokedownheart

Hey, I'm not sure if you've made a decision yet about your birth, but I just wanted to encourage you to go the VBAC route if you feel it's right for you. Your body absolutely can do it, and if that's the birth you want, don't let your doctor bully you into a c-section just to make you fit into his schedule! I hope that whatever you choose, you feel confident and at peace. Childbirth is a huge passion of mine and I've spent the last 4 years learning as much as I possibly can about it. I actually plan to go to school for midwifery once my kids are a little older, plus I've gone through 2 induced labors myself, so if you ever want to talk or just rant about anything, just pm me. =)

Just gonna go back on what I said before too. The c-section thing was only based on one study, and they couldn't conclude whether the c-section caused the problems in the second birth or whether complications which made the c-section necessary in the first birth also caused problems with the second one. So there's not a lot of proof that it's necessary just coz you've had one before.

Originally Posted by ThePreserver

Whenever I eat too many pieces of bacon, I can feel it in my limbs. Probably not a good thing... (and I don't eat bacon much at all.) Damn you, family history of heart disease and high cholesterol! Also, DAMN YOU BACON!

Bacon is pretty low in fat. It's probably the healthiest meat. Although feeling it in your limbs is probably a bit odd. I sometimes get this weird pulsing in my extremities if I haven't slept enough, probably some blood pressure/vasoconstriction thing. Not sure if that's what you mean, or if you can literally feel pieces of bacon floating in your arms. lol

**melanieb** · 08-04-2012 02:50 AM

It's really hot...inside my house. Still.

After that I just wanted to rant on page 420.

**Zhaylin** · 08-04-2012 03:49 AM

The jewelry box sounds like a wonderful and thoughtful gift. I'm sure she'll love it

Do you pop poison ivy blisters or leave them alone... must consult the Oracle. I've never gotten poison ivy before. It could be something else but what? They don't itch. I was messing with my feet and just felt the bumps. They're (2 decent sized blisters and some small ones clustered nearby) located under the strap of my sandals which goes across the top of my right foot. So, if it's poison ivy, how did I even get it there seeing how that area's covered

I've been sleeping for freagin ever and I'm still not recalling my dreams.
Another rant is that I forgot my log at the facility where I visited my youngest daughter. I'm glad I write most everything in code lol I was going to call them today to inquire after the journal but I slept past closing time

An anti-rant is that I'm on my third skein of yarn. The blanket is progressing very nicely. I imagine it will take one more skein. So after less than 50 hours of work and about $12. I'll have something nice

I think this is going to be the first full sized blanket I've ever made.

**Solarflare** · 08-04-2012 04:41 AM

I don't understand why this always fucking happens. I'm just riding my bike and someone says something to me. I don't know this person at all. And to top it off, he's speaking a foreign language. To be honest this happened to me 4 times that I can remember. I'm just casually riding my bike, and bam, someone looks at me or comes up to me and says "안녕하세요 नमस्ते मेरा नाम है прывітанне мяне завуць". Yea, I don't know what that means, practically no one I know will know what you are saying. If you're talking to someone you know by all means, speak whatever language you want, but if you're gonna talk to a complete stranger, at least have to courtesy to speak English, or at the very least, French (English and French are the national languages).

Like I was riding my bike today and i was waiting for the red light to turn green so I could cross the road and someone was riding their bike towards me and stops and says "नमस्ते मेरा नाम हैनमस्ते मेरा नाम हैनमस्ते मेरा नाम है" to me. Then he continues while I go in my mind what the fuck are you saying. Then I realize I'm blocking the way for him to go and I calmly move. And I highly doubt you don't know how to speak English either, or I don't think you would even be able to enter Canada. It only makes it awkward for the both of us....

If I sounded racist or something while typing this I didn't intend to, but it's really annoying. O_o

**~~Alyzarin~~** · 08-04-2012 05:22 AM

Originally Posted by ThePreserver

Sometimes I think it's a miracle that I was even born at all. What if my dad never divorced his first wife? What if my mom had never worked at the same place as my dad? What if Hitler invaded Poland earlier, and my great great grandparents couldn't escape to the US in time?

Literally EVERYTHING that has ever happened has led up to me existing.

Yep yep, and everything you ever do will have an effect on the universe for the rest of existence.

We're just part of countless other paths leading to other peoples' births. It's a pretty wonderful thing.

**tommo** · 08-04-2012 07:21 AM

Originally Posted by Solarflare

I don't understand why this always fucking happens. I'm just riding my bike and someone says something to me. I don't know this person at all. And to top it off, he's speaking a foreign language. To be honest this happened to me 4 times that I can remember. I'm jus....

This happened when I worked in a supermarket a few years ago. Some African couple was asking about milk or something (fuck, I think I've written this before in this thread.... oh well) and they couldn't speak a word of English.
Then they started getting angry when I could understand what they wanted. All I could figure was they were saying the milk was too expensive or something, so I showed them the cheapest one. But they just got angry.
When they left the other guy working there was just like "what the fuck was that?" haha
Funny thing is, I was thinking about it years after and I realised they may have been asking for goat milk. I thought he was saying cost, but it may have been goat.

EDIT: It is 4:20 PM here

**dakotahnok** · 08-04-2012 07:23 AM

Okay so my family who is racist thinks I'm being racist by describing this guy as black... I suppose if I was describing a white person I wouldnt say "that white guy". But I live in the most white town on this earth. So when you describe someone and call them black it really narrows it down.

Anyway I stop at the gas station to get gas. And as I'm walking in this guy is like hey will you come over here for a minute. I pretend to ignore him and walk in. And when I walk out it was so awkward. Now I feel bad because he might have needed help. But here's the deal. I have a slight agoraphobia problem, it fluctuates but sometimes it is so bad that if I am forced to leave the house I have severe anxiety attacks and I feel suffocated (but I can obviously breath). If that makes sense. And I have a fear of people in general. The only thing I can really say to a stranger is excuse me, and I even mumble that. So when this man tried to talk to me, I really panicked.

I probably sound like a psychotic nut. It's really not that bad. I can normally keep a conversation with a stranger if they initiate it. But at first I will start to panic. And my agoraphobia symptoms are normally non existent. I've only stated home from school because of it twice. Normally when the symptoms are there I can control myself, and keep my mind off of it.

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

Yep yep, and everything you ever do will have an effect on the universe for the rest of existence. We're just part of countless other paths leading to other peoples' births. It's a pretty wonderful thing.

Sometimes when you you think about yourself in this world you can feel so small. And other times you can feel huge. It's all about perception I guess.

**Arra** · 08-04-2012 08:10 AM

Sorry for typing this, it's just a rant. I feel like every word I say is just stupid and no one needs to hear it, but I'm going to type this because the release has helped in the past and I'm feeling terrible and can't even cry. There's a wedding tomorrow that I have to attend and I'm more terrified than I'd normally expect even of myself. The wedding rehearsal was today and I was invited, but I was the only one not actually part of the ceremony so I just sat in the car. Then when it was over and people were eating I had such bad social anxiety. In the last year or so i've been able to at least make some conversation, but this time I couldn't even do that. I just stood there for however long feeling awkward and waiting to leave. Now I'm afraid the dress I've bought for the actual wedding is too formal. They're all hicks, and I'm just dreading they'll all show up in jeans and t-shirts or something. I've stayed up late even though I got tired hours ago because I don't want to sleep because I don't want it to be morning and have to go to it soon. I'm so terrified, I feel like something really bad is going to happen tomorrow. I feel that strange atmosphere I get while sick, like I'm in anightmare and everything just feels different. Nothing I try to do to distract myself works, my mind is always occupied with this. We're going bar hopping between the wedding and the reception, and although I"ve wanted to do that for a while now I don't feel like it at all. The idea of having to socialize with all those people is terrifying. But I've generally been happy with those type of situations lately so I don't know where this anxiety is coming from. I just hope I wake up tomorrow and feel everything is better.

**~~DeletePlease~~** · 08-04-2012 10:15 AM

^ You'll be fine.

**Suena** · 08-04-2012 04:59 PM

Originally Posted by Dianeva

The idea of having to socialize with all those people is terrifying. But I've generally been happy with those type of situations lately so I don't know where this anxiety is coming from. I just hope I wake up tomorrow and feel everything is better.

I get this way for a lot of things. Even just playing cards with a few friends. I wouldn't worry about your dress. It's common to dress up, so even if they are all in jeans and shirts, it's not like you wore anything out of the ordinary to a wedding. I bet you'll look great too. I guess you've probably already went, so I don't know why I'm responding. I guess just to say you're not alone. I avoid events like these for those reasons. I've become so anti-social.

Rant: My nieces are here. I watched them last night. This is the first time I've had three kids at once and I'm pulling my hair out only a bit. It's not too bad I suppose, but wow, I'm definitely sticking to two kids and that is it. And I'm also glad I'm having boys, lol. These girls are so talkative and mean to eachother. Sigh. Girls will be girls? lol.

Whew, oh well. It's nice to spend time with them before classes start. I hardly get to see them anyway. My son is really enjoying the company too.

I don't know what to do with myself at the moment though. They're a good distraction from everything else going on in my head.

**SpaceCowboyDave** · 08-04-2012 05:42 PM

Originally Posted by tommo

Bacon is pretty low in fat. It's probably the healthiest meat. Although feeling it in your limbs is probably a bit odd. I sometimes get this weird pulsing in my extremities if I haven't slept enough, probably some blood pressure/vasoconstriction thing. Not sure if that's what you mean, or if you can literally feel pieces of bacon floating in your arms. lol

The placebo effect.

**Zhaylin** · 08-04-2012 08:10 PM

Dakotah, Dianeva, Suena.

Suena, in my experience, boys are MUCH easier than girls lol

No real rants from me so far today. I woke at 11:30 having gotten exactly 8 hours of sleep and I remembered my dreams

But they were gruesome.

Then I went to a family reunion with hubby for about 2 hours.
Before we could leave though, hubby's car battery was dead so we had to take my car and he grumbled that it was dirty and how I had no appreciation for anything (my car's dusty, not filthy unlike his where a coke's exploded) so I told him to be nice or I'd make him go alone

He told me he could always take his truck and I laughed and his mood improved.
The reunion was a small group of mostly elderly people. In the car coming home, I asked hubby the names of a couple of them but he didn't know

Now I'm home and need a nap

My stomach's rebelling over the food I ate. But there are no plans for the rest of the day

AND I found my journal. It was under the passenger seat.

**Linkzelda** · 08-04-2012 08:39 PM

My rant is that I woke up around 6 AM, recalled two short dreams, and slept again until around 1:20 PM.

That's like 6 hours of more sleep, and not 7 because I'm sure I spent an hour or so for a WBTB.

I mean, it's not the amount of sleep I had that was bad, it's just that I have a feeling that I missed out on a few more dreams. I had the intention that I would find my spirit guide during the WBTB, just for the hell of it, and I can't remember anything.

There's always next day and all, but do you know what I could've done in those 6 hours?

Oh right, I can't find any decent reason......

And there's two more days to see if I can switch my classes WITHOUT an appointment, because based on the letter they gave me that said they would block my registration, I hope it's not for switching classes in the next two days, because they'll be having short intervals until it's almost time for the next year of college.

I just hope I get a smooth transition when I do attend the appointment (because I don't want to make the same mistake of choosing the wrong classes).

And since I didn't pass one class, I'm still classified as a freshmen. That's not really a problem, since it's just a few hours short that I can make up with this semester with ease, but I just hope this trend isn't going to continue. And I also will have to study for the Diagnostic Math test, which I need to get a score of 22 out of 33 to be able to start taking Calculus classes....and add that with also preparing to apply for scholarships, and making sure I can get a 4.0 GPA for this semester and the next (because that will automatically put me back to being a "textbook" nerd).

The reason why I'm so concerned with getting myself back together with this GPA thing is that I want to be able to apply for research opportunities with a good standing, because I have NO work experience because of going crazy with academics, and I don't want to say my GPA, even to eager profs and lab instructors that need a helping hand, if it's obviously going to give a big stamp on my head with "NO."

I shouldn't be worrying, but with the research this university provides, and the fact that I'll have to go to Graduate School (Medical if I actually get my head together with these emotions), it's going to be a rough ride, especially when money is my top priority right now, I just hope I can tolerate the burdens I'll have to put on myself.

I just don't want to come out feeling like I only prolonged the inevitable with getting a shit job.

EDIT:

Good, calm, and VERY intelligent people with good jobs tell me I just need to relax...they say I have my head on my shoulders, but I don't want to be the one walking the wrong path.

People always tell me to calm down about these...I can calm down no problem, but I'm always going to be worried until this is done and over with.

**melanieb** · 08-05-2012 03:05 AM

[hugs] Everyone in thread [/hugs]

Feel better!

The Sno-Cone stand was closed.

**Singularity125** · 08-05-2012 03:30 AM

Originally Posted by Alyzarin

It's really crazy to think that we were all lucky enough to be born as humans. There are so many other living things on this planet that we could have been born as, the numbers are absurd. I normally think about what are the odds of being born as myself and not someone else, but I think this is so much crazier of a concept. Our lives are so open and spectacular compared to the unbearably limited view of the world that other species get. We really got it easy.

>.>

/pg420

I thought I was one of the only ones to wonder why I was me, and not somebody else. I mean statistically speaking, I should have grown up in China, not in a small town in Vermont. But when you add in other species, the chances get even more boggling... @_@

And I think I understand where you're coming from on the "being plugged in" bit. (I was a bit too lazy to find that post and quote it. Oops

) I kinda sympathize with some of the stuff, mostly seeing human nature as something weird and alien. But since I have Asperger's, that was my reason for being that way. Meanwhile everyone around me thought I was the strange, robotic one.

But I'm happy to hear that you are feeling so well.

My rant is that I feel oddly detached from things. I didn't even notice until last night. What I mean is, I never really get emotionally attached to anything. People, yes. At least friends. But things, interests, hobbies? Nope. I'd be pissed if any of my stuff was stolen though, so I guess that's not quite right either. I guess what I mean is... when I hear people talking about their passions, or being passionate about something, I just don't get it. I thought video game programming would be that passion for me, and then in college reality hit and I realized it would still feel like work. Now, I still like the sound of programming more than any other job that comes to mind, and my current job in that area is okay, but that's just it. It's not a dream job, and I've settled for "good enough", which I always told myself I wouldn't do.

But the fact is that I can never see myself liking work of any kind for very long. I'm perpetually lazy, and I have to wonder if anyone else is like this. There are actually a lot of people that seem to enjoy their work on some level... of course if they work 80 hours a week, you have to wonder if they enjoy the work, or the money that overtime brings. But then there are the charities, non-profits, and others that are lucky to make ends meet. Clearly those people are passionate about what they do.

Why can't I find my passion? I'm already living weekend-to-weekend here... just begging the weeks to fly by to get to the parts where I actually have time to myself. And it's not like I can just drop this job, because the pay is good, but... things have just been "meh" lately. I don't think I'm depressed, just... disillusioned.

**ThePreserver** · 08-05-2012 03:45 AM

I'm going to explode. Firstmyshift key stops workingandnow myspacebarwon't FUCKING work. I knowit's the epitomeofallfirst world problemsbutIseriouslymight harmsomeone. I. Am. Furious. WHY ME?!!!?!?!!11?!?

UPDATE: Sometimes when people eat by meandInotice it, it'snotreally louderthannormal eating butIfixate on itandit's horribly annoying.That's happening. Stopeating peaches,STOP EATINGCRACKERS. Ican'tstand listening to you eating! GUUUHHHH

**tommo** · 08-05-2012 04:22 AM

Originally Posted by Singularity125

I thought I was one of the only ones to wonder why I was me, and not somebody else. I mean statistically speaking, I should have grown up in China, not in a small town in Vermont. But when you add in other species, the chances get even more boggling... @_@

I've always found this rather inane. Along with the previous things about the chances of being human etc.

It really doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It's not like you're floating around in the infinite void and you could either become a dog or a human, or never exist at all.

Unless you believe that that's what happens.... then fair enough.

Originally Posted by Singularity125

My rant is that I feel oddly detached from things. I didn't even notice until last night. What I mean is, I never really get emotionally attached to anything. People, yes. At least friends. But things, interests, hobbies? Nope. I'd be pissed if any of my stuff was stolen though, so I guess that's not quite right either. I guess what I mean is... when I hear people talking about their passions, or being passionate about something, I just don't get it. I thought video game programming would be that passion for me, and then in college reality hit and I realized it would still feel like work. Now, I still like the sound of programming more than any other job that comes to mind, and my current job in that area is okay, but that's just it. It's not a dream job, and I've settled for "good enough", which I always told myself I wouldn't do.

But the fact is that I can never see myself liking work of any kind for very long. I'm perpetually lazy, and I have to wonder if anyone else is like this. There are actually a lot of people that seem to enjoy their work on some level... of course if they work 80 hours a week, you have to wonder if they enjoy the work, or the money that overtime brings. But then there are the charities, non-profits, and others that are lucky to make ends meet. Clearly those people are passionate about what they do.

Why can't I find my passion? I'm already living weekend-to-weekend here... just begging the weeks to fly by to get to the parts where I actually have time to myself. And it's not like I can just drop this job, because the pay is good, but... things have just been "meh" lately. I don't think I'm depressed, just... disillusioned.

I totally feel this way. I'm somewhat coming to terms with it. But still sort of searching for something that I enjoy the most, so that it isn't complete torture.
Honestly I think it is the norm. Those people who are 100% passionate every day are an anomaly. And to be honest, I think those people are usually sort of dense. They can be intelligent for sure, but sort of simple; not open-minded etc.
I don't know which one would be better.

The fact is, humans are not meant to do the same thing every day for 60 years. That's why so many people are getting fed up with this way of doing things.

I thought design/illustration could be something I could really enjoy, but it just wasn't. Completely unfulfilling unless it's just done for fun.

I think the best thing to do is try to get a job where you don't have to work every day. 3 days a week would be good I think. As long as you can also get enough money. And then just have a heap of hobbies. And stop being so lazy

That's my plan anyway. My auntie does that, I think only 2 days a week. She's one of the happiest, most level-headed people I know.

Oh and my FUCKING INTERNET KEEPS CUTTING OUT AND NOW IT'S GOING SLOW AS FUCK!

**melanieb** · 08-05-2012 05:26 AM

Originally Posted by Singularity125

My rant is that I feel oddly detached from things. I didn't even notice until last night. What I mean is, I never really get emotionally attached to anything. People, yes. At least friends. But things, interests, hobbies? Nope. I'd be pissed if any of my stuff was stolen though, so I guess that's not quite right either. I guess what I mean is... when I hear people talking about their passions, or being passionate about something, I just don't get it. I thought video game programming would be that passion for me, and then in college reality hit and I realized it would still feel like work. Now, I still like the sound of programming more than any other job that comes to mind, and my current job in that area is okay, but that's just it. It's not a dream job, and I've settled for "good enough", which I always told myself I wouldn't do.

But the fact is that I can never see myself liking work of any kind for very long. I'm perpetually lazy, and I have to wonder if anyone else is like this. There are actually a lot of people that seem to enjoy their work on some level... of course if they work 80 hours a week, you have to wonder if they enjoy the work, or the money that overtime brings. But then there are the charities, non-profits, and others that are lucky to make ends meet. Clearly those people are passionate about what they do.

Why can't I find my passion? I'm already living weekend-to-weekend here... just begging the weeks to fly by to get to the parts where I actually have time to myself. And it's not like I can just drop this job, because the pay is good, but... things have just been "meh" lately. I don't think I'm depressed, just... disillusioned.

I've felt like that plenty of times in life. It's not abnormal.

I don't know how old you are but sometimes it takes a while to find something that truly interests you for the long-term.

My employment history illustrates this. I've worked in customer service taking care of people's little whims. I spent two years working with hazardous chemicls for gold-plating and acid-etching of circuit boards. I've built a doppler radar for NASA and I drove a forklift in an inventory warehouse. I've worked for a watch distributor, I've handled special processor chips for military aircraft and I've built Dell computers. I spent ten years working on environmental reports for government agencies and city development planners.

And you know what interests me? - Helping people and community service.

That's part of the reason why I enjoy my position here.

Community service makes me happy, whether I'm answering the same question for the umpteenth time, being a neighborhood activist to save the local school from closure or encouraging a Boy Scout to be a good citizen.

But even that stuff only takes me so far.

I discovered that I enjoy learning about everything and I specialize in nothing.

So you know what really makes me happy? It's writing.

A writer knows a little about everything and specializes in...nothing. I can do it anywhere at any time and no special equipment is required. Much of my material remains in my head.

My point is that it could take years and a whole lot of trying different things to find what makes you really happy. Sometimes the search itself reveals your passion.

Cooking is also fun!

It allows you to try lots of new things!