I don't know what this is, but I took an hour and a half nap just now.
I woke up, and I swore I relived some type of phenomenon, but it was probably too short (yet at the same time from that short moment, it felt like I was there for a long time).
I decide to rest on my bed a little more, and all of a sudden, I could recall things I did today, yesterday, and the day before. Not everything, but some freaky crap went on inside my mind. I can't really explain this...maybe it's photographic memory, or maybe I'm just crazy.
I'll just go with the latter....but still, I swore I had a dream within that 90 mianute nap!
You know how you have a long ass experience, but wake up and realize it's only been a short time span in real life? I felt like my mind completely did one of those space/time extensions...and I know there wasn't a REM rebound, otherwise, I would've actually recalled something from the potentially longer REM cycles that would've compensate for sleep deprivation...:facepalm:
I really hate those moments of taking naps...this is just crazy! I thought it was Saturday already!
Complaint:
I feel my mind is going through brief moments of several moods. It's not like bipolar disorder where I'm crying and then suddenly happy.
It's like being in neutral facade, having several thoughts racing inside of me, deciding which one to accept, contradicting the ones that were not allowed to come into manifestation, going back to the ones I accept, then denying those things with some other form of rationalization.
Then I go into the phase of thinking about cute animals, then thinking about seeing their heads chopped off, smiling a little bit, almost wanting to laugh because of such fragile composition from these creatures, and then a lingering thought comes to the "rescue" to stop thinking about something so cruel.
It's as if I have several racing thoughts while retaining some sanity in my physical visage, it's like literally stopping time and space itself just for a few seconds, but within those seconds, it feels like longer moments.
Is it me or when I see a cute animal, I try to express feelings that it's cute, and give the silence release of being enticed by it's behavior that make humans go "awwwwwww."
What if you grabbed that cute little bunny by its neck, felt its pulse, and just wanted to apply more pressure until the blood starts spewing out. Don't people find that to be cute? Awww look at the cute wittle bunny with it's head being popped off. :armflap: WAIT, that's WRONG MAN! :facepalm: But at the same time, I'm not denying this thought in my head....it keeps growing for a while and then fades when I find another thought to experience....
I went to a site that had some horror story before I slept (maybe 15 minutes early). I saw the same story yesterday, but I felt like scaring myself just for fun because when you scrolled down on the site, it would show an animation of a women being blood dripping down, and then if you scrolled more, she would come at you really quick.
I thought would've developed a tolerance for it seeing as I saw it before, but she scared the muffins out of me! I was really scared for those few seconds, but was glad that I was afraid. I thought to myself, "What if I didn't react to it?" Then I started to speculate on being incompetent in sensing fear.
After those few seconds of fascination over a simple human defense mechanism, I started to think more about this lady with blood dripping on her head, and imagining what I would do if my mind were to associate that in a dream. So I had my hand up in the air, imagined her head in it, and trying to crush it gradually, going like this -->:teeth:<--
It's like it's a habit now that whenever I see some weird crap going on in waking life, it seems natural for me to shadow what I would do to defend myself if my mind would associate it with a dream.
Because I already know from seeing that horror story, that it would obviously developed a scare....and not just because it was a nightmare, it's just that at the speed it would be going (and in dreams it might've went even FASTER), it would just seem natural for me to freak out.
But that's the thing, when I speculate on developing a stoic and basically monotone personality in my dreams, it's sometimes just too difficult to always do that. I know you don't have to be too calm to where you can't enjoy the experience, but it irritates me that if I were to have a dream, I would probably wake up in fear and be like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU MIND!!!"
Also, the more people I find that I really hate, like hate their guts, like I would love to see their insides turned inside-out so fast, that the pressure would just be so painful for them.
Then a thought that rationalizes that cruelty comes to save me from indulging into the pleasures of said cruelty would basically say in an indirect way, "Hey, what if a person wanted you to experience that? You'd think you would like that?"
But when I look at people, and see how weak they really are, just by seeing them express themselves as weak and shy, while I put up this pretentious facade in outside for reality to assume that I'm serious (but really, I'm just walking blindly to wherever I need to go).
It really gets annoying sometimes, but it's always fun to see how my mind creates these little clips of how pathetic this person is compared to me. Then I feel like crap again because I know that another person might be looking at people just to find out what's pathetic about them as well.
But it's not something I think about too much, it's just for a short period of time, but it starts to add up. It's like I'm making half-second scenarios for some people, then they die off and I can just sleep and wake up and forget about what I thought about the person the next day.
Which leads me to concluding that no matter how many people may hate you, no matter how much you hate a person, they are a mortal. That's fairly common sense, but people have this way of thinking this person is going to be a problem for them forever, when in fact, if they just exploded right in front of you, of you felt the blood splash on your face, wouldn't that give you a sense of relief?
It's not out of spite, but just because you know that you will die as well, and you appreciate this mentality that isn't good for one's overall moral health, but you just don't give a FUCK on what's wrong with it because you know your mind isn't going to try and become more tempting to do horrible things.
It's like thinking about bunnies' heads exploding, while keeping a smile on your face to another person. Yes, there's a term for that, but I'm too lazy to give a crap about that. But I find myself doing that a lot lately.
It's like there's this demon sprite on my shoulder nudging at me at how easy it can be for me to be considered an asshole towards another person, which makes me shake my head furiously sometimes because I don't want to see the potential of that happening, but I let it go through my mind because I know if I keep it back, it will continue to manifest.
Is my mind expressing my hypocrisy even more and showing me that it isn't big of a deal to worry about being a hypocrite? :panic:
