Yes. We used to have one when I was a kid.Quote:
Originally Posted by Erii
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Yes. We used to have one when I was a kid.Quote:
Originally Posted by Erii
I wasn't referring to Solarflare. In fact I found his image amusing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkmatters
I have no idea I spelt the word wrongly, not quite sure what it is either. But I was referring to another person, definitely not him.
Lol, white people....Quote:
Originally Posted by Dianeva
http://imgur.com/WdRim.gif
I think I may be losing my fucking mind.
Me too, I find it hard to love my parents now. I mean, I do try to love them, but it is mostly brief and ends up dying because I'm like "Eh fuck it they're old. They're going to die, and I'm going to eventually cry like a little bitch when their time comes, so I'll just continually reject them and just pretend I care about them even though I should be grateful that they kept me alive yet I still don't want to accept that fact and just make a family of my own without passing on their behaviors and traits."Quote:
Originally Posted by Dianeva
I probably might just marry just for the sake of having heirs, but just for that, I find sexual experiences (and any lovey dovey feeling) can be satisfied without demoralizing a spouse. And trying to create that "spark" in marriages sounds like it's going to be a chore rather than an experience to really cherish. I'll probably love my children more than the wife because I want them to know how we're all passing off the hatred from previous generations. I know I have a lot of years ahead of me, but that's the thing, BLAH
I'll most likely regret this when I get older, but I hope androids become a household product soon. Technology is going to become so omnipresent that we'll be incompetent to feel human love again. :/
Haha Link I seriously love you. You just expressed that so well and I feel the same way.
My rant is my brother just tried to beat me up for changing the heat in the oven. Even though I had my food in there first and his was almost done so it wouldn't have made any noticeable difference whatever.
Then my mum got angry at ME for punching him in the head when he was the one that started the fight over NOTHING. Fuck that....
So I yelled at her too and walked out the front then had a smoke to cool off.
It sucks even more coz I was having the best day before that, getting high and sitting in the Sun and wind, listening to music. Then I was just enjoying the afterglow and people have to ruin it for me.
I have just one thing to say....
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
I have a new username! Now i just Need 1900 more points to change it
*Sigh*
I was planning to isolate myself but I'm just going to explain it here.
I feel like dying. If I knew that every day of my life would be as bad as this one, I would certainly kill myself. There's been a swelling feeling in my throat for the last 10 hours like I'm constantly about to cry, but never do. At the same time I feel numb to human interaction. I'm not sure how I'm even typing this, or why. Every person I try to interact with is falling into one of two categories. If it's someone I respect, I feel like they hate me and think I'm stupid, and if it's someone I don't, they irritate me. In either case, I desire to be away from them.
Lately, when I've not been feeling well, I've perceived there to be an understanding emanating from others, a caringness, an ability to relate. This has been relatively recent. Now, however, I feel as though I'm in a different universe, that I'm incapable of communicating properly with anyone. Most attempts to relate only succeed in making me feel further isolated, because I know they can't. I don't doubt that people have had experiences that might vaguely resemble parts of mine, but never the whole thing. There is no real caring. I believed for a while this forum to be a substitute for a companion, but it isn't. No one cares about me genuinely, not since I lost him. My parents care about me, for example, but it's only because I'm their daughter. They don't know my mind. What they care about is an illusion, an extremely flawed representation of me that exists within their minds only. The same can be said for everyone who claims to care about me, now.
And I'm weak - I see that now, realised it today. As a child, I was the most isolated of loners, but since I was fifteen I chanced upon forming a tenacious relationship someone who cared about me, whom I cared about and trusted, with whom I knew I would spend my life. Most of you are single, and have been, more or less, throughout your entire lives. You've acquired strength from it. You don't need anyone to love you. You are lone wolves, used to it and proud of it. You think that it might be nice to meet someone, someday, but it's of no immediate concern. I have felt this freedom, and do enjoy it. But in the back of my mind, the emptiness, the place where something used to be, is there, though I've become accustomed to pushing it to the back of my mind. There is little else I can do.
Today was the first operating systems lab. I am good with Linux, I did well last year in the first part of the course. But here I was completely lost. In the first lab, we had to install Gentoo Linux. He warned us that it would be extremely complicated. The teacher is an asshole who tries to make things complicated. No one actually got it done, so we're to finish it at home and in the next lab.
I was dreading it, but it turned out to be far worse than I expected. I had no idea what to do. The instructions that the lab instructor gave were extremely vague, and the handbook was far too detailed, and we weren't supposed to follow it exactly. I simply didn't know what I was supposed to do, and had to ask questions about every step of the way. I was behind everyone else. Worse, the lab instructor, who is normally even more of an asshole than the teacher, was being nice to me. Likely because I'm female. After a while, though, he stopped helping me, probably because he realised I was a lost cause.
I'd never done anything like it before. I don't think it's because I was slow or being stupid. The information I was given was simply not enough to figure out what to do from. Yet everyone else seemed to be getting it, somehow. Maybe I'm just supposed to know this stuff already. Perhaps, as a CS major, I'm expected to have partitioned hard drives and manually installed operating systems before. I've focused too much on the programming part. I felt my cheeks were red from stress the entire time, and caught myself unconsciously digging my nails into my skin a few times.
And it's worse, because I'm female, the only one in the class. Failing at this probably makes everyone else in the class think that it's for that reason. I feel like I'm failing all women, not just myself. I normally make sure I keep ahead of the class, and that is one of the primary motivators. And it isn't over. I have to do it on my own computer somehow, before the next lab. It will require so much work and I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't even know where I'd start in trying to figure it out. But I have to do it somehow.
When I left the class at the end, I turned a corner and punched a brick wall, and felt like screaming. I've felt this intense, straining stress ever since.
Over the last few weeks I have been hurting myself physically, and the desire to do so keeps increasing. New scars, bruises and other pains. A visible bruise on my face which both my boss and my parents noticed. I wonder how believable my excuse that I "bumped into something while drunk" is.
I was glad that my parents didn't try to say anything to me when I got home. I was sure that if they did I would end up yelling at them or something. When I got home, I slept, but only for three hours, not four. I'm keeping to my divided sleep schedule, but the four hour periods of sleep tend to be three instead, so I'm getting the equivalent of six hours a night, and I've always been fucked with only 6 hours. Until I do get four, I can't yet say that the divided sleep is responsible.
I did finally do all I could, for the time being, to get my transcripts submitted to the University. I've sent emails and am waiting for replies. The stress has diminished slightly. That is probably the only reason I've been able to write this.
I dreamed that I was running away from something, I don't remember what. I went outside and the moon was huge, about 3x the diameter as usual, full, and tinted blue. Some dark shape moved across the sky and began to move between the earth and moon. I felt realistic excitement, surprise and even fear, because I didn't know what it was. It then centered itself in front of the moon, producing something similar in appearance to a solar eclipse but with a blue outline. More dark shapes came, and glints of light began appearing in other places in the sky. I had no idea what was happening, and was afraid, but I was in such awe I started gasping in the dream, half yelling in ecstasy at the beauty, and woke up from the emotion. Coincidentally, when I went for a walk afterward, the night sky was clear and the moon was full.
When I woke up, I went on DV and it seemed everyone was cruel.
I am going to learn to play the violin, as I said. It wasn't an empty, momentary conviction. I have contacted an instructor and am going to rent a violin tomorrow, then phone her back and schedule the first lesson. My desire to learn to play it only increases by the day. I've been thinking about it absentmindedly for hours a day. I want to learn it so badly, the desire is hardly sane or healthy. I can barely stand the fact that the first lesson won't be for a few days, and that there will only be one a week. For the last three days, I have no longer been able to listen to music that doesn't have a violin in it, or at least a fiddle, and have been looking up countless YouTube videos of violin solos and such. I don't know why this is happening to such an extreme.
I've written this to vent, and nothing more. No one should feel obligated to respond nor to console me in any way.
So I'm super familiar with Adobe Creative suite and have an artistic talent to nab a well-paying graphic design job for this year, but all these places won't hire someone unless they've actually taken a proper course on graphic design and have the credentials. I do NOT want to make fucking minimum wage if I have the ability and skills to do more than that.
godless heathens complaining about god
really?Quote:
I've written this to vent, and nothing more. No one should feel obligated to respond nor to console me in any way.
Oh how wrong you are :/Quote:
You've acquired strength from it. You don't need anyone to love you. You are lone wolves, used to it and proud of it. You think that it might be nice to meet someone, someday, but it's of no immediate concern. I have felt this freedom, and do enjoy it. But in the back of my mind, the emptiness, the place where something used to be, is there, though I've become accustomed to pushing it to the back of my mind. There is little else I can do.
And how right you are heh.... :(Quote:
Originally Posted by OldSparta
That's simply not true. If you put together a good folio, nobody gives a single fuck what courses you took or didn't take. If they say on the job ad or whatever that you need a qualification, just send your resume anyway and cite previous work, if any.Quote:
Originally Posted by Puffin
Also send your folio to companies that aren't even advertising work opportunities because many ppl get work that way.
In fact it looks better for you because you weren't just sitting around waiting for something to come to you and chose their company or design firm specifically.
I hate being single. The fact that I've never been in a relationship hasn't given me any strength at all, it's slowly draining the life out of me. Back when I used to think about suicide a lot one of the big reasons was that I was afraid that I'd never find someone to be with. :/ Thinking about relationships still makes me very depressed. I don't know about here on DV, but I know very, very few people who prefer being single to being with someone they actually love.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dianeva
This is why I get depressed when I drink. I drink because I'm depressed and alone and I'm depressed and alone cause I drink.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyzarin
Juniper strikes again. I hate this firewall and I'm about ready to sink an axe through a $14,000 appliance. The only thing that could possibly make my day better is to yank this piece of shit out of the rack and replace it with a Cisco PIX/ASA device which I am familiar with.
I'm one of those odd ones who chooses to be single. I prefer to not have to answer to anyone, or ask permission to spend money, etc. etc. However, on the down side, it does get quite lonely from time to time. I often think that it would be nice to have some help warming up the cold side of the pillow, but I can't get past the problems I see everyone else dealing with in their relationships. All the drama, arguing, etc. makes being single seem not so bad. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyzarin
:bowdown: You described how I think in much simpler words.Quote:
Originally Posted by anderj101
I'm 17 and self-taught, so the fact that there will be people applying with college-level credentials is scaring me off. I even spoke with my mom's friend about a job and sent in my resume; he would have given me a job if it weren't for my lack of design education.Quote:
Originally Posted by tommo
Never hurts to just give your resume in. Just give your resume and portfolio in and hope for the best. Generally, they will go for the college graduates first, but the odd place will actually look at your experiences and work, not just based you off some marks that mean next to nothing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Puffin
Well you don't want to work for the closed minded asshole then.Quote:
Originally Posted by Puffin
Put it this way, someone people do not care, when you find the person that doesn't, you will be 100 times more likely to enjoy working for/with them.
Is everything taken for granted anymore?
That's a semantically null sentence.
The good news is that this either means that you're imagining that they hate you or you've simply not chosen well who to respect, both of which it is in your control to do something about.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dianeva
PS
Fiddles are violins.
oh good...Quote:
Originally Posted by Carrot
*phew*
Was gonna say this too but forgot. Although it's not always the case, there's no separate fiddle and violin. Although fiddle can also mean viola or cello etc.Quote:
Originally Posted by ♥Mark
Dianeva, sorry to hear that things aren't going so well. Maybe you should take a vacation or something? I'm no good at offering advice. :S
Anyway, hope things go better for you soon, I wish you luck.