Wow, I can relate that with you because I did a similar memory-retrieving technique recently (my suppressed memories ended up being revealed in real live instead of inside a dream, it was very heavy). I will share what I have discovered/experienced so far and what was the key of retrieving my suppressed memories.
I, too, had heavy traumatic pasts that I, unconsciously, had them suppressed very deep in my unconsciousness. I was completely unaware I did that, but somehow at a certain point, I became more aware that I indeed had some awful pasts and I know I remember fragments of this and this, but it didn't make sense. I have noticed there were some time gaps that I could not remember (my friends would claim this and this and I would not remember any at all). I also developed first phobia ever out of nowhere after having a wisdom teeth surgery (let me share this so you can understand what I say later on).
The dentist surgeon and his nurse were getting me prepared to undergo the surgery by using an I.V. with general anesthesia. I was preparing myself to fall asleep consciously (at least that was my goal). As usual, I was very nervous that things might go wrong and I would never come out of deep sleep, but I know the odd is low since they seem to know what they are doing… although, I could not get rid of my anxiety so they put a relaxing medicine in my I.V. The surgeon said, “It will help you to relax.” He smiled and assured me that I didn’t need to worry. I was really curious how general anesthesia works on me and if I could fall asleep consciously like a lucid coma (lol)… I watched the surgeon getting up after giving me the relaxing medicine…
… Black void. My heart was beating slowly and in rhythm. In infinite distance, I felt a gentle tap. It came closer and closer, and then I realized that somebody was tapping my shoulder. Immediately, I opened my eyes and saw my mom’s face. I felt my mouth and realized that the surgery was already over. Suddenly, I felt threatened and started to bawl without knowing why. I freaked out about not remembering anything.
Ever since this experience, I panic every time I go to my dentist and it was my first phobia ever. I was aware that the fear was unreal, but I could not help it. Every time I reviewed on this experience, I would experience a very vivid flashback and become very emotional when I get to the “waking up” part. It was very awful. I didn’t know why I had this and I thought that was very strange.
Eventually, I felt ready to face whatever I have inside my suppressed memories. I started to try and confront my memories in my lucid dream. Slowly, I woke up and would have an insane flashback about pieces that I forgot later on in the day. It would send me shivering in the corner sometimes. I even hugged my blue teddy because sometimes I felt like I was a kid trapped in those memories while I was retrieving them. It was very intense and… cold? Yes, cold. Very dry, cold, and cruel. I felt like I was going insane mentally. At first, I wished I didn’t touch that and left it suppressed, but later as I retrieved more memories, I began to realize that I could use them to help other people. I have whole first-hand experiences on my hands that I can use to help. Time by time, I slowly confronted them and began to accept them as part of who I am (at first I tried to deny them because they were awful and I rather not share them now… they are very personal and mmm, well I still feel threatened if I share it).
Few weeks ago, I faced my last fear with suppressed memories. I was meditating and I became emotional because of the flashback of my wisdom teeth surgery. It was painful and intense at the end. At first, I was puzzled and confused about this then soon I came to understand that the source of my suppressed memories and fears were the source of my unconscious area! I hid them in there! It WAS the reason I woke up bawling. It was because I went to sleep and saw those memories and again suppressed them upon waking up! It made completely sense to me! I realized that they were just suppressed and that I have nothing to fear since I already have confronted my suppressed memories. At this instant moment, I no longer shiver when I retrieve that surgery moment! I felt free and still feel free from my fears!
It was the most wonderful feeling! Now, those suppressed memories don’t hurt me anymore like they used to. Now, I see them as my luxury side of who I am. I see them as my experiences so I can help others. And, I believe that it is one of the rare gifts that anybody can have because it make me wiser and more empathic toward others.
Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to share what I have experienced. Just don’t ever underestimate your suppressed memories. They ARE suppressed for a good reason! Although, if you feel ready to retrieve them, be sure to do it with supporting people. I have few online friends (including my boyfriend) that helped me through it. I don’t know how far I could go without them! I am very grateful for them!
If you feel the need to share, please feel free to reply here (or pm me), I will check here regularly. I can try to help only if you want. I wish you the best with your suppressed memories journey and that they will help you to become a stronger being.
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