Tragic Love Story - The dreams begin - long post

[journeyer]

First of all the story that led me here, along with the fact that I used to be into lucid dreaming, a long time ago, but I never really lost interest and the interest was rekindled recently... I really wanted a place to record my dreams now and I found this forum. I was stuck in a bad marriage for many years, and it continued to decline until the point that I could not bear it any more and filed for divorce from my now x-wife in July of 2007. My x is an ill tempered disaster waiting to happen suffering from a severe bi-polar condition, but refuses to seek treatment. It was painful to have to resort to divorce from someone I had been with for so long and with whom I had 2 children that I love so much, but our differences had become insurmountable. It was also a huge relief to me when she moved out of my house on August 1st of 2007. The next several weeks were strange indeed. My 17 year old daughter decided to go with her mom, although we were close, and I was living alone for the first time in over 20 years. I gradually got used to it and after a month or so, I even started to like the time alone. It was also nice to get up in the morning and come home from work without the constant apprehension of getting into a huge fight with my contentious x. I decided that I did not want to date for a while and that I needed time to think and get my life in order. I thought that maybe in a couple of years, I may be ready for another relationship, but I would be sure to get it right this time, or at least a lot more right than last time. That would take time and caution to figure out. I was alone a lot during this time and bored. I like the internet and have always been an avid forum poster and blogger on any number of topics. But one thing I was not looking for was romance. It was nowhere in my mind, and I did not go to any forums pertaining to relationships, and avoided any social situations that might lead to dating. One night I was on a technical related forum, I work in a technical field and I was responding to someones post about a software topic. The person I replied to, replied back to me and we just seemed to hit it off, and the next thing I know, we were talking about lots of things not related to software. One night she asked me if I wanted to IM, so I said 'yeah, I'm not doing anything else, so why not?' The emailing and Iming went on for weeks. There was no romantic interest from either one of us, we just liked to talk. She was actually married and told me so, and I told her I was just recently divorced. One day out of nowhere, she said that she had a friend that I should meet and that I would really like her. Let me just mention now, this person and her friend lived 600 miles away from me. I laughed and said 'no thanks, even if I were interested, it is too far away, no long distance relationships for me'. My newly found friend and I continued to chat and she kept bringing up her friend, asking me to just email her, that I would really like her. I continued to say no thanks, until one night she told me something about her friend. If I told you what it was, it would not make any sense, so I'll spare the details, but it got my attention, in a way I cannot describe, it was a dejavu type of moment, like I was suddenly hearing about someone that I somehow knew, but that I had never known. It was a very strange moment. I said no thanks and please give it up again, but the matter had my attention. I could not get it out of my mind. Over the next few days, it would just keep haunting me and I couldn't shake it off. So finally I emailed her friend and just said 'Hi, I'm xxxxx's friend and just thought I would say hi. The friend of my IM buddy finally emailed me back and we gradually started up a converstion. All I can say is that it was uncanny from the start. Everything that she would say would strike me with this surreal sense of familiarity, like I know this person, but I have never met her. One day she emailed me and ask me if I wanted to call her. I did. The first time we talked on the phone, it was 2.5 hours and it was unreal the amount of things we had in common and how the conversation was so enjoyable. We continued to call each other a couple times a week and each time, it was the same or better, 3 hours+ of just the most enjoyable conversations that I have ever had in my life, and that uncanny feeling of knowing her would not leave me. I knew I was in trouble here. I was falling deeply for someone over the phone even though my pragmatic self told me that it was rediculous and impractical to even be entertaining such an idea. But there was no stopping the forces in motion. We finally decided to meet each other, and it was more than I have ever dreamed of. I knew I loved her the first time I lay eyes on her. When we first touched and kissed, I am not making this up, I would not do so, it was like a surge of electriciy passed though my entire body, leaving me practically speechless. The weekend was fantastic, like a real life fairy tale, the best time of my entire life to that point. When we parted to drive our 600 miles aprart, I got about a mile from her and felt a gut wrenching pull like the tearing apart of souls that have became hopelessly intertwined. My phone rang, it was her, she felt it too. Tears were running down my face. We continued to drive and fly to meet each other frequently over the next several months. Each time it grew more intense. Finally, we decided that we could not be apart and I started making plans to move near her so we could start a new life. She has 2 children in high school, 14 and 17. My 2 children are older, my daughter now 18 and living in the home that I left, and my son on his own. So it was obvious that I should move near her. I did not like where I was living anyways and wanted a fresh start. On the day that I arrived here, I called my girlfriend, who lives only 11 miles away from the apartment that I secured the month before moving over and let her know that I had arrived. I was very excited. She was not feeling well, having a headache and I asked her if we should just wait until morning, it was aound 8pm in the evening. She said ok, but in a few minutes called me back and said she was on her way over. I was so excited, just like every time before I see her. When she arrived, she seemed to be acting strangely and I was very concerned. She had a headache, but also seemed a little confused and off balance. I wanted to take her to the ER, but she told me she was fine and had already made a doctors appointment for in the morning as she had not been feeling well and that we would drive there tomorrow to the appointment. The next morning, she had a bad headache and seemed even more disoriented so I took her to the local hospital ER. They ran some test and after about 45 minutes, a cat scan they did revealed an abnormal mass in the left portion of her brain. It was a tumor. She was transported to another medical facility and a biopsy revealed a malignant brain tumor that required emergency surgery. The surgery was a sucsess and she recovered remarkably fast. Over the past few weeks, I stayed with her at her home and cared for her, with her becoming stronger each day. The simple joys that we experienced during that time, just getting up in the morning, preparing meals, taking walks, and enjoying music and other entertainment in the evenings was very precious. On Thursday, June 19th, 2008, we retired early because she had a headache. At 2am in the morning, she went into seizures and I called 911 and they rushed her to the hospital and she was transferred once again, and had another surgery. Tragically, she never recovered. This is a true story, my girlfriend, Helen, was a beautiful 47 year old mother of 2 childern, 14 and 17. She passed away on June 25th at 10:25pm while we were alone in her hospital room at Johns Hopkins Bayview hospital in Baltimore, MD, as I held her closely to me. We were to be married on Sept. 21st, 2008, the one year anniversary of our first meeting. Last night, June 30th, 2008 I had my first dream of Helen after her passing. We were in a stange place that I did not recognize and she was laying on a wooden bench, I could not tell if she was dead or just sleeping. I called her name, but oddly enough I called her by a middle name 'Ann' which is not her middle name. She immediately opened her eyes, which were lighter blue than in real life and sat up. She looked at me and there was some recognition in her eyes, but it was not completely focused. She was wearing a light blue gown, which matched her light blue eyes. Her hair was gone except for a seeming slight regrowth of her beautiful dark brown hair. She got up and walked slowly away, and I walked along slightly ahead of her. I do not know where we were going, but suddenly she was followed by another clone or copy of herselft which was wearing a darker blue gown. I did not have time to focus on the 2nd her, and I woke up, immediately recognizing that this was my first dream of her after her passing. This was not a lucid dream, I did not recognize at the time that I was dreaming. I was introduced to lucid dreaming when I was only 17 years old, after reading several novels in a a series by the author Carols Castenada. I tried the concepts that I found in these books, there was no internet back then, and I quickly was able to lucid dream and learn that it was real. 30 years later, I have not had any more lucid dreams, but after meeting Helen, who was so spiritual of a being, I got interested again, and we discussed the topic. Interestingly enough, we had more than one conversation that we promised each other if either one of us passed from this life, that we would somehow find each other again.

[Creativename]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that lucid dreaming can help you recover from it. Best wishes.

[gaia]

The way you write suggests to me that you are already aware of the concept of what is called afterlife. There is no answer to be found here, guidelines perhaps.

[Abra]

Wow. It's going to be tough to live without her. Finding someone that special, against those odds. The bond you shared sounds very deep. But remember, she is not truly gone if you keep her in your thoughts and dreams. Also, she lives in her children, too. Good luck with coping. You have our condolences.