I am new to this list so please forgive me if I'm in the wrong room.

I thought I wanted to become lucid so I joined a short time ago. Since then I have recorded maybe three or four dreams and every one of them concerns my deceased wife. In the past I have spontaneously remembered a few dreams and none of them were about her.

A little history: My wife was sick with something or other for many years. She passed away a year ago Christmas after two dreadful weeks in the hospital. She was a good woman and was always helping the aged widows in the neighborhood. She broke her back in 1977 helping an aged neighbor wash her windows.

I had this terrible dream last night and the thing that bothers me is that I had no emotion about it until I started thinking about recording it.

The thing that brought the dream to my attention was another dream. I dreamed that Lady, a dog we had many years ago, was barking for my attention. Lady was a stray that came to our house and simply refused to go away. She adopted my wife and never left her side. She always went with my wife when she made her rounds of the neighborhood.

Anyway I though maybe Lady was thirsty and I went to get her some water. She refused the water and kept running to the door, wanting out. This is when I woke up. I thought that this was all there was to it but I decided to lie there and try and remember if I dreamed before. Then this dream came back to me.

My wife was writhing in pain on the floor. Something had happened to her feet. They were crushed or burned or something. I started beating on them with something, a bat or a hammer I'm not sure which. She screamed for me to stop but I said I have to do this or you will die. I continued beating and bending her feet at the ankle until they fell off. All this time my wife was pleading with me to stop. That's all I remember.

Am I a monster or what?