What's the matter with me.

I am new to this list so please forgive me if I'm in the wrong room.

I thought I wanted to become lucid so I joined a short time ago. Since then I have recorded maybe three or four dreams and every one of them concerns my deceased wife. In the past I have spontaneously remembered a few dreams and none of them were about her.

A little history: My wife was sick with something or other for many years. She passed away a year ago Christmas after two dreadful weeks in the hospital. She was a good woman and was always helping the aged widows in the neighborhood. She broke her back in 1977 helping an aged neighbor wash her windows.

I had this terrible dream last night and the thing that bothers me is that I had no emotion about it until I started thinking about recording it.

The thing that brought the dream to my attention was another dream. I dreamed that Lady, a dog we had many years ago, was barking for my attention. Lady was a stray that came to our house and simply refused to go away. She adopted my wife and never left her side. She always went with my wife when she made her rounds of the neighborhood.

Anyway I though maybe Lady was thirsty and I went to get her some water. She refused the water and kept running to the door, wanting out. This is when I woke up. I thought that this was all there was to it but I decided to lie there and try and remember if I dreamed before. Then this dream came back to me.

My wife was writhing in pain on the floor. Something had happened to her feet. They were crushed or burned or something. I started beating on them with something, a bat or a hammer I'm not sure which. She screamed for me to stop but I said I have to do this or you will die. I continued beating and bending her feet at the ankle until they fell off. All this time my wife was pleading with me to stop. That's all I remember.

Am I a monster or what?

Sir. I'm sorry you've had that trauma.

I often find I dream my traumas out after a while, it helps with the healing to replay and confront emotions. What emotions do you think might be being brought up by the image of you killing your wife? Do you believe these emotions are present in your waking life? This might be something you might benefit from confronting.

I've never experienced anything that bad, but I find that my memories of how I felt at certain points play themselves out in diguised ways in my dreams when I am ready to listen.

Being able to fly and watch TV and all that stuff is cool and fun. But dreams can also be used for healing. Good luck and I'm sorry if this sounds patronising or something, I'm just giving my best guess based on my limited personal experience. I really do wish the best for you.

I am sorry to hear about your wife. I too have had quite a few dreams of an ex-girlfriend who died in a car crash. At least once a month. They always seem to be pleasant dreams though. I had a long talk with her once and even told her that she was dead and asked her how she was here. She responded with "I cant explain that right now". This dream stuck with me for a long time. As far as you being a monster, thats probably just frustration over losing her. It will get better.

Thanks for your thoughts guys. I am too inexperienced at this dream business to make anything of it. My wife had a very rough time before she passed on and I know I would never do anything to hurt her. I hope I don't have any hidden resentment for her for any reason.

Whatever it is, I'm sure you will be able to find a solution. Good luck. Are you recording dreams on this site?