InTheLight dreams

I have been bad about keeping track of my dreams, and I'd like to start keeping track. But in any case, I'd like to discuss one.


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First Dream of my Father. Ever.
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I haven't known my father since the age of 4 or 5. I am 22. My mother is an extreme person. She is an Ares, very high mood swings, and her times of calm are short - only lasting a few days.

She divorced my father because he was irresponsible, he'd go to the bar a lot and wouldn't come home until the following morning on some occasions, or very late at night.

So my impression of my own dad is that he is a deadbeat. But I cannot personally draw that conclusion because I do not know him. I don't see him, I don't sense him.

My dream - At the start of the dream, I decided it was time to see my father. I went to visit him. He was very different from what I imagined. I had no concept during my dream that he was a deadbeat, or that he was poor. In fact, in my dream, when I arrived at his nice apartment, he turned out to look exactly like Ewan McGregor, wearing nice clothes and having all sorts of expensive things like a David Beckham or something. I'm American, and my family is all brunette, so this struck me as odd. Somehow, my father was of a completely different build, complexion, and hair color.

But, the aspect of not being there for me was apparent in the dream. He was very interested in leaving with his girlfriend for the evening. He was literally trying to go out the door, but was supplying me with the basic info of getting around his apartment and making myself at home, but barely - he was kinda rushed.

Next thing I know, I'm outside of the apartment with my step-dad, who is a grey-haired, cynical, curmudgeon asshole who doesn't get along with people very well, not even his own biological children, who are quite distanced from him. We were wandering around the the perimeter of the building, aimlessly, in the absence of my father. My step-dad has always given me shoddy advice and tried to bully me around and exact a bit of authority and discipline, but was devoid of honest love or compassion, which completely negates the advice, no matter how useful the advice may be.

I wish I wrote this all down, but I didn't. Here's my analysis then, it's short: I feel that I may still be expecting there to be good qualities about my real dad, perhaps this is why I envisioned him in the dream with nice clothes and nice things, even though I know he's a poor hick in plaid that works in construction or plumbing or whatever the fuck he's got himself into. Despite the good qualities, there was the abandonment. Secondly, the wandering episode with my step-dad was a snapshot of our entire life together - aimless, pointless, devoid of emotion, helpless.

The nice clothes and celebrity mirroring sort of disturbed me in the dream. I've been very big on returning to nature and dispelling the materialist delusion. BUT, all those nice things in the dream kinda struck me as nice! And I felt bad about this in the dream, and after the dream. Why would positive personality traits be represented as materialistic "wealth"? Am I more shallow than I think I am? I am weak, and need to be strengthened? Or is my dream spot on about materialism, and my views of nature are silly? Weird.