Incredibly complex longterm recurring sexual frustration dream....

Okay so, I've been avoiding writing this up as it is probably the most personal and private struggle I have had to face, but I really need outer perspective/opinion so here goes:

I have been having a recurring dream for the past few years. It happens, at most, once every few days, but on average it would only happen quite occasionally maybe once every few weeks or even months.
It can come in a few different yet particular formats, but the basic theme seems to be sex. I am not sure if it is directly related to sex anymore though.. Here's the story as chronologically as I can manage.

Basically, the main theme of the dream is this.... I am trying to view pornography online, but sometimes I am either just masturbating or just watching someone else have sex. Occasionally I am even looking in the mirror at my own form. I am unable to reach climax. The longer I masturbate, the bigger the frustration gets. I have never been able to achieve orgasm during the dream,( didn't think it was actually possible for women to have "wet dreams" but apparently it does happen.) A lot of the time, and moreso over the years, it will be a case of someone coming into the room and preventing me to view what I'm trying top watch, I will have to hide it, and this will happen over and over again. The feeling I get is one of complete insane horniness but extrem frustration at never being able to satisfy it.
I used to view pornography on a pretty regular basis as a teenager, like most adolescents do (yeah, even girls...). I was also exposed to a lot of it as a young child. My mother was young and had really loud sex while I was in the house, never seeming to make an effort to be quit even though there were many nights that I shouted through the walls that I could hear her.
As a teen, I increasingly became aware of the exploitation a lot of the participants in porn face, I also grew to dislike how sexist, objectifying and violent a lot of the imagery and also language of the websites could be. I also noticed it having a real effect on having actual sex. Over time I stopped using it pretty much completely. Also my longterm boyfriend (and first person I ever slept with) at the time used a lot of it, a lot of really violently edged stuff. I asked him to stop because it made me feel weird to know he used this. He found it hard to stop and it ended up causing a lot of trouble in our relationship, we argued about it a lot. We broke up eventually, not just because of that but it probably did play a part.

(Let me please say at this point that I don't wish to get into a debate about porn in this thread, and I know some of you may wish to defend it, but I really don't think I could handle that right now with how extreme my anxiety and depression has been lately.)

Anyway, years passed and I was able to stay away from using porn. I had a few bad relationships, a few ok ones, but they all ended for one reason or another. Regardless of how fulfilling my sex life seemed to be, I still occasionally had this dream, but unfortunately I didnot keep a dream journal regularly enough to know when exactly the dream occured in relation to events in my waking life.

At first, I thought it was my brain telling me I had been too puritanical regarding my views on porn, and that I should just give in to my urges and watch it. So, I did, once or twice. But I still felt like porn was mostly quite an unrealistic and even ugly depiction of sex. When I viewed it I could climax very fast, but it did not feel that intense or fulfilling, always the feeling of just needed more straight away (and I've since read up a lot on brain reward-circuit chemistry and how porn affects this, anothr reason I choose not to use it). And, I still had the dream.

So I stopped again and I don't think I ever used it again. Still I have the dream. I remember one night a few years ago I had some version of it, while in bed with one of my exs. I told him about it the next day, and he said that I was actually masturbating while I was lying next to him, but only for maybe 30 seconds or so. He said he thought I was awake and just having a touch of myself... but I said no... I was asleep. So... I started to think maybe what was actually happening was, I was masturbating in real-time, and since dream-time is so much longer in comparison, it seemed like I was doing it for hours, when in reality it would never have been long enough to have been able to reach climax. I have never reachd any furthr conclusion on this as I have never had the same experience where a lover has noticed anything like this.

I started to think that maybe I was repressing homosexuality, since a lot of it seemed to be focused on looking at myself or the female form... but I've looked into studies that say even hetero women do get aroused by the female form. Also usually when that happens in the dream a lot of the focus is on making my breasts bigger... Somtimes struggling to keep them large, they go back down to their normal size (this seems to be a weird semi-lucidness). I have always been self conscious about being small chested, and I think watching porn had an affect on that... or popular media in general. Sometimes even during real sex, I would have had to think of myself having much larger breasts to be more turned on and even reach climax. Also there have been a few times when I've been lucid and the dream turns sexual, I've asked "am I a lesbian" and see myself kissing myself or another woman and the feeling is of revulsion, definitly not a turn on. I also am pretty certain that I am attracted to men, I don't really see women in the same way as I do men. So that ruled out that possiblity.

I started to think maybe it just meant that I was sexually frustrated in general. Lonely and having many failed relationships, never feeling truly fulfilled. Also never being able to climax during sex without focusing on stimulating my clitoris which was annoying at times, to say the least. Only two men have ever made me orgasm, through oral, and that was years ago. Most of the time now when a guy tries to touch me or go down on me I just think it will nevert work, because they can't touch it properly, or that it will take too long, so I just end up doing it myself.

The reason I am seeking answers for this now, is because I have been having the dream on a really regular basis over the past few weeks. I have started seeing someone new, though he lives far away and we havent seen eachother in a while. We spent the summer together though, and had some really amazing sex. Like really amazing. Still.. the dream......

Now when I have the dream, it has gradually become that I don't even get to the point of looking at sexual imagery. It has gotten to the point where, I will just be on a computer and decide that I am horny and want to look at porn, and either I struggle to find anything that actually arouses me, the website is down, the laptop stops working... or someone comes into the room, etc etc etc. It doesn't even get as far as me masturbating anymore!!
Despit having great sex with this guy, there were a few things he tried that I wasn't comfortable with, and we have had a few misunderstandings and disagreements about them. The dream has happened on days that we have had big arguments, also because he used porn but feels similarly about it to me and decided to stop for me (but I still have trust issues with that and have been really scared of him doing it behind my back like my ex did. Also I have self esteem trust issues in general and him living so far away, I've been scared of him finding somebody else.. somebody better. He has countless tims told me that he loves me and not to worry but still I did). I thought maybe it was somthing to do with this, not understanding people being into kinkier stuff and maybe being a bit judgmental about it, repressing th wilder side of my sexuality, that had caused the dream. So I felt like I had changd my perspective a little and maybe the dream would finally stop. Everything seemed to be resolved.

Yesterday, we decided to make things official. He wants me to eventually move to where he lives, which I would be willing to do since I am unhappy where I am living. However, I have had so much emotional turmoil regarding relationships over the years that I have been telling myself that I need to stay single to focus on myself. I told him this, and during our summer holiday together I actually had a dream where I asked my subconscious if I should stay single. It told me firmly, a voice in my ear "yes, otherwise you will know great pain."
But over the last few weeks we have been talking every day and we have a severely strong emotional, intellectual and sexual connection, stronger than I've felt in a very long time, maybe ever.

However... last night, the dream happened again. Another dream followed it where I was in my mum's old house, the one she has just recently moved out of (and I moved back home with her last month). The house was layed out strangely with alcoves leading to unseen places, furniture piled up procariously. I tried climbing some of it but it fell over. Then I entered my old bedroom which was in the attic. Two men were there, one I knew to be my father, however I have never actually met my father. The other was potentially my father's son, my half brother. I think I left the room, and when I returned, one of them had disappeared, but I can't remember which. To the remaining one, I asked, "why do I keep having this dream?" He was unable to answer and just looked at me.

Then, suddenly, I could not see anything. I knew that I was in direct dialogue with my subconscious as this has happened once before (when it told m to stay single...). Through thought I asked it the same question. An image started to form from the darkness. white lines, it was a celtic/norse knot, with both curved and sharp corners. Circular, but it had a single-lined diamond shape set behind it, with the edge of the knots overlapping it. I said that I did not understand what this meant, and asked if I could have an answer in words. The symbol disappeared and was replaced by a long word beginning with F, but I struggle to remember it. When I was trying to remember, the only word I thought it may have been was "future" but I am very uncertain. It also showed me the word "believe" and another one syllable word that I do not remember.

This was directly followed by another dream, starting with me seeing a crowd of feet, then my view rose up to see a figure on a cross. I looked back to the crowd and saw a pale woman with straight jet black hair, and pearls around her neck, crying horribly. She said something like.. "it's like watching myself burn. I have been burned a thousand times". Then I think she was singing. I had some weird sense that she was Jesus, or maybe a witch.. or both? I had the intense sensation that these were very important symbols.
After that it went into a dream of me being semi-lucid, trying to fly over the sea of an exotic beach. I kept falling to the ground, which is something that happens occasionally when I am lucid and try flying. But this was so much more frustrating than usual. I kept falling and kept trying. Then at one point I think I fell as hard as I could on purpose. I then fell into the sea and tried to swim against the wavs but they were too strong. I think this is when I woke up.

So....... yeah. Now I am thinking perhaps the dream is not about sexual frustration at all. I have spent all of today looking up celtic/norse knot patterns... The ones the symbol most resembled are the shield knot and the love knot. The shield not, quite self explanatory.. was used as a warning or to ward off negative energy. But I don't think it was ever drawn with the diamond shape around it. The love knot often is, and obviously represents love, fidelity.

Now I am so much more confused than ever before. I am thinking that obviously the most likely explanation is that the dream is serving as a warning. That I should not get into another relationship until I am truly ready. But then why the words "believe"... I've also had dreams that I interpretted as that I should trust this guy... so I just duno...

I am thinking that perhaps the element of me trying to watch porn/climax, generally trying to reach fulfillment, is not actually just about sex, but emotional fulfillment as well. Perhaps it is telling me to be patient, and to "believe" in the "future".....

I don't know anymore. Maybe it is staring me right in the face and I am just searching for a reason not to break up with this guy because I really wana be with him. I wish I could remember the things that had been happening in my life in the past every time I had that dream to put this into better context. I was really feeling hopeful that I could make a relationship work and that I had met this guy for a reason (we met under pretty remarkable circumstances, and we both had an instantly good feeling about eachother which neither of us gets very often).

Sorry this is so freakin long. If I can think of any more detail I will add it, but hopefully this will be enough to work with........

Dreams about porn, masturbation and sex, in general, don't have to be about the sex act. They can also represent emotional or spiritual longings and/or frustrations. I think you are beginning to wake up to that emotional aspect of your dreams on your own, as you indicate.

Charles McPhee, who has collected and interpreted dreams from around the world, says that flying is a "metaphor of personal power in dreams." Your inability to fly freely in a dream suggests obstacles in real life and doubts about your abilities. A lot of people share this dream, including myself! Lucky are the individuals who fly high and freely in dreams.

The house dream is another typical dream, and Carl Jung himself had a similar dream. He interpreted the house as a metaphor for his life, and I think it's safe to say the same for your dream house. You wrote, "The house was layed out strangely with alcoves leading to unseen places, furniture piled up procariously. I tried climbing some of it but it fell over." From what you have shared, this seems to describe your life pretty accurately. The men you found in the attic (this is a neglected part of your intellect/thinking) represent your Animus, to use a Jungian term. They are your feelings/attitudes as shaped by significant men in your life, but they are apparently of not much help. This could indicate an aspect of yourself that lacks wisdom or knowledge, specifically because it has been neglected (within the attic).

The other dream you describe with the female Jesus figure is of another type of dream experience, as you seem to understand intuitively. Your direct subconscious communications are also of another type.

Message me if any of this is helpful and you want to talk more. In any case, good luck and blessings. -Morningangel