He passed away in real life, now I had a nightmare about him.

I spent my childhood up until the age of 16 going to a camp for kids with cancer. 4 summers ago I met this kid named Robb (yep, with two b's.) He was amazing. I had a crush on him instantly and at the time, that first summer, it was simply because he was cute. After camp, I figured out he also "liked me" and we got to know each other. I liked him more and more and more and his personality was amazing. The summer after everyone knew we had a thing for each other, and so we decided to continue it outside of camp. We went on 1 date, and it was amazing. He was like my best friend, except I had feelings for him. I don't think I was ever in love with him, but I definitely loved him. Somehow, we stopped talking. I saw him at the hospital again, and that was the last time I saw him. Even though he was right across from me in the waiting room, we were texting. My mom said we were acting like idiots, and we were. I should have just talked to him. We started talking for a while, but school was getting difficult for me so I didn't really have time for my computer anymore, or my phone.

May 14th 2009, I got a call from my friend saying he passed away. Ewings sarcoma took his life. After a few months, I thought I could think about him and talk about him without crying. You know, reminiscing about the past and smiling at the memories? Well I realized this summer I hadn't healed. I was up at camp and crying most of the time because everything reminded me of him.

I've been thinking so much about him that I had a dream. t felt like it was supposed to be my closure, but I wasn't ready. I wish I could have become lucid since I've been trying to talk to him in a dream for a loooong time.

Basically he was swimming (irl he loved swimming) and I was sitting on the dock just talking to him, and at one point he told me he didn't have much longer to live. I started crying and asked him how I could go on without him. He just told me that I would be okay, and just smiled at me. I was confused at how he came to terms with the fact that his life was pretty much over. At that point I was crying even harder and I wanted to give him a hug but he wouldn't come out of the water, and I didn't want to go in. Not quite sure why. He just kept reassuring me that I would be fine eventually and that it's okay. Apparently he was happy with what life he had been given. He came close to the dock, and told me to lean closer and I did. He told me he would be okay, and kissed me. Later I realized his legs had been amputated (makes no sense, in real life his sarcoma affected his spine.)

Sometime that night he was hospitalized, and the doctor wouldn't tell me whether or not he had passed. I don't remember the details of the dream, but I know I was constantly harassing the doctor. The dream pretty much faded in my memory but I do remember seeing a glimpse of him near the end. If this was his way somehow of trying to give me closure, it didn't work.


I don't even know what to think of this. Should I be happy or upset? I don't know.

First off, I'd like to apologize, I'm not very good with sympathy...Though I'm sorry about your loss.


I would definitely take that as a form of closure...The beginning of that dream sounds divine...Even for the fact of not being able to touch him. I would personally see that as an upside considering the dream would have likely spiraled out and ended there (I don't know for sure, but that's the way mine tend..). I don't know him, but after reading what you wrote, I would only assume you know him fairly well...and could judge whether his attitude in the dream is akin to the personality you know and love. In either case, it's reassuring. It's either some form of connection between you two, in which case he's directly/indirectly trying to console you in the only way he can, or your mind is doing the consoling for you based on what you need to hear.

In either case, it could have gone another way, and your first dream with him could have been a horrible nightmare filled only with agony, for him and/or you.

It's going to take a long time to get over something like this to a point where you can function to par whenever he comes up in conversation, or thought, but I sincerely suggest you try your best to start now. There's a notorious snowball effect with these types of situations...It only gets worse if you dwell on it. You have great memories of him, and now a very vivid memory of him at his best. Try to use that as motivation.

I'm probably not helping in the least, but that's my two cents...I hope you feel better <3
Not sure what I could offer...but if you need to talk, feel free to pm..

I appreciate your reply. And I honestly did think I was able to think/talk about him and smile, and not be upset. But at camp there was that 1 guy who looked just like him, had a name that sounded like his, and it was very hard to keep my mind off my old friend. Also there was 1 guy who was in the same cabin with my friend for 3 years in a row, so he kind of understood how I felt. Somehow, he would always come up in conversations. Mostly from me, and I never realized how much I talked about him. Ever since then I realized I'm actually not okay the way I thought I was. This dream left an unsettling feeling. All these people tell me they've lost a sibling and I will never understand what it's like, and the thing is I do. He was that close to me. We shared this connection simply because we'd both gone through the same thing. It's hard to explain.

My pleasure...I'm actually glad it didn't come out in a bad way.

I could understand in those circumstances why it would be hard to leave things in the past, when you're constantly alongside reminders. Have you ever interacted with the guy that looks like your friend? Maybe you should talk to the guy that was in the same cabin...I'm sure it would be a relief to talk to someone who wants and possibly needs to talk about him as well. Even if he wasn't that close to him, he's still definitely got memories to get closure on. If you don't mind me asking, how do you bring him up when you're talking to people? Just curious =s Please try to do what you can though to take your mind off him for a little bit, even if it's as little as a few minutes an hour.

At least the people who tell you about their siblings (hopefully) mean well :P even if it's not in the best way...If a certain friend of mine died, I would honestly cry harder than if a sibling died, for the exact reason you said...been through the same thing, and formed a connection. I understand what you mean though...How are you doin today, anyways? Do you have anything to look forward to? :)

Well we were on a camping trip for 9 days, and we had a lot of time to talk and hang out. Sometimes people would talk about something and I'd be like "Oh I remember when Robb etc.." I'm not sure if people minded me bringing it up. The camp is also for bereaved siblings. So one of the guys on the canoe trip had his sister die when he was about 11 years old and he was always there for me. He was an amazing guy and always listened to me when I had an issue. And I did talk to the guy who was in Robb's cabin. He's definitely not as affected as I am. He was still a good person to talk to though.

Also, there's a guy I've known for as long as I've known Robb, and he understands 100% how I feel, without the romantic interest. His friend passed away last year also, and I wrote this long story about how I felt and everything and showed it to him and he said everything I wrote applied to him and how he felt. Although it happened a year ago, it feels so fresh in our minds. He's definitely been there for me, helping me cope. He's kind of like an older brother to me, and lately he's been so helpful. I can call him whenever I feel like, and he'll listen to me. Me, Robb, my friend, and his friend who passed away all went to the same camp. Except I didn't know this kid who passed away, but I'm sure he must have been a great kid.

What I hate about this camp is you make so many amazing friends, but some of them have extremely rare cancer and have a big chance of not making it. I've had a couple of friends die, but Robb has by far made the biggest impact in my life.

Today I'm a little shaken up, because of the dream and everything. But I'm anxious for school. I transferred half way through high school to a public school. No more uniforms, no more girls. So excited, but nervous as hell. And you?

Wow that's a long trip...I've never been to a camp, so that seems a little much lol..Either way, I'd think you would have noticed if it bothered people. I'd have to say if it doesn't bother you, than it's less likely to bother other people. I don't mean to sound rude, but how did you get introduced to this camp? It sounds to me like it's not exactly a normal one...Kinda makes me wonder. Still, it's good to hear you have people to talk to about things.

I'm really sorry to cut this short, but my roomate is bugging me to go do something...One last thing though...congrats on public school, it's gonna be great ;) and it's really easy to fit in...

Well it's a camp specifically for kids with cancer. So when I went to the hospital they told me about it and I decided to go. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Check it out.

Camp Oochigeas - Home Page

That camp is like my second home. I met my best friend there. (:

That seems like a pretty awesome place...I hope whatever you went to the hospital for wasn't too serious, however. Still, at least you had the chance to meet all those people. Again, I'm sorry for the short reply...I'm about to pass out...

I had leukemia.