memorable

I think I had a LD last night, though now that I'm fully awake, I've started to wonder if I dreamt it all up and if it was even real at all! I've confused myself!

I fell asleep around midnight, repeating to myself, "I will remember my dreams. I will become aware in my dreams," over and over. I remember vaguely drifting away and not being able to focus on the mantra, then waking up feeling some anxiety about not being focused on it. I fell asleep and, at least right now, don't recall any dreams I had before my alarm went off. At 5:00 AM, my alarm went off and I got up, used the bathroom, and crawled back into bed, checking my other alarms for work. I remember thinking, "Ok, time to try this DILD method you read about last night."

I laid on my back, which is not a normal position for me to sleep in, closed my eyes, and tried to focus on the mantra again. This time, I started to feel as though my arms and hands were very heavy withing a minute or so, and almost as though all of my muscles were twitching at once. It was as if there was a strong current running through my body - I assume this was the onset of sleep paralysis. I recall feeling somewhat frightened, as the feeling was so powerful, and I felt myself waking up in fear. Just as quickly, I reminded myself that there wasn't anything to be afraid of, closed my eyes, and felt the same current begin again. This time, I could see dozens of colors twisting and forming behind my eyelids - the shapes reminded me of the old slime from Nickelodeon shows - glistening, fluid in movement, big and small blobs. I think my breathing sped up a little, and then it was as if the colors in front of my eyes "shattered" away. The darkness lifted as if I was watching a scene in a movie where the camera "opens its eye."

I looked down and could see my left arm and hand at my side (which is *not* where they were, I had my arms crossed on my chest), and I remember thinking "Ok, go ahead and try to lift it without waking yourself up." I lifted my arm off of the bed and watched as an image of my arm and hand stayed in the same position, but the dream arm raised up. I noticed that I had on a pair of old PJ pants that I haven't worn in a decade. The feeling of thinking to myself that I was lucid was so powerful and then I opened my eyes and woke up.

I was disappointed at first but then ecstatic that I had finally experienced a LD. Shame on me, I didn't write anything down, but repeated over to myself the pattern of the pants I had seen in the dream, and curled back up to go to sleep. I thought about trying again, but I felt very worn out and thought it would be best to sleep soundly the last couple hours.

Now...upon waking, I wonder if I didn't just dream all of this? Or if it really was a LD? It felt so very, very real - but at the same time I know my history of dreams, and I know that I am capable of "feeling" very powerful sensations in them without being lucid. I want to say it was a real LD, and I believe that it was a real LD, but everything always seems so easily confused and distorted upon fully waking!

Time for a nap, and as I fall asleep with the cats nestled around me, I feel like I am sleeping soundly. I hear someone call from the other room to come look at something, and when I try to stand, I become tangled in the sheets and start to stumble. I am turned around, backward, and falling slowly. I know that my head is going to hit the ground, but I can't bring my hands out from the blankets to catch myself. The world seems to me moving in slow motion, and i am heavy. Very, very heavy. I can see, and my eyes are open, but I keep trying to pull them open more, as it feels as though my eyelids are being pulled down from exhaustion.

A man (my boyfriend, I realized when I woke up) comes in, because I am calling for help, and I know him, but I don't know him. He watches me fall and when I am resting on my back on the ground, he says he doesn't know who I am. I think, and I realize that I don't know who I am, either. In an instant, my father is there, though I don't recognize him either. The confusion is overwhelming, and I wake myself up. I never quite wake up all the way, but fall back into the same dream. This time when I stand, I'm not tangled in the sheets, I just don't have control of my limbs, and that heavy sensation is there again, as though every point on my body is being pulled to the ground. I try to tell myself that I am dreaming, and when I do wake up, it takes several minutes to gain enough confidence to try to stand up next to the bed.